260721 – Morning Pages

I talk about how I am lagging on the road to EBC, some gyaan I doled out about writing and some random rant.

8:46. Starbucks, Versova. Woke up late. Slept late. I am playing too much chess. No, I am not good at it. No, I dont like it that much that I am playing it all the time. Just that I play chess instead of scrolling Instagram and Twitter mindlessly. You know, mind games :D.

The dark clouds dont seem to dispel. I know it will heal with time. I know time will take its own sweet time. I know I need to remain patient and wait for acchhe din to come back. I just hope they come back soon.

So, that.

Ok, the road to EBC is not smooth at all. Here’s my progress from the first week when I started thinking about it seriously.

Week of 19th July

The first few days were good. And then the next 3-4 were all downhill. In terms of what I am doing (eating!) and not doing (working out / walking etc). Apart from the walk goals, missing on all others. Need to pull up the socks. I don’t want to die on the mountain!

The only silver lining would be last night when I walked 24K steps (to complete 100K in the week). I think there are two things at play here. And I have to mention those.

A. AnAg created a group with a few friends on an app that tracks the steps that each person is putting on. I use that app to give competition to myself and that helps me do better. I’ve realized that I am hyper-competitive and I must keep this lesson in mind. Damn, this social proof is a thing!

B. I happened to hear Disha talk about her experience as a triathlete. And then she talked about other women that are mothers and yet find the time and energy to be competitive triathletes. She wrote a book about their stories. Here. I heard her talk while I was walking and I told myself that if there are people that can battle personal issues, societal biases, lack of money, and all that, why can’t I put in the 24K required to reach 100K!

I wish I was this competitive about making money. Or about using my time judiciously!

Anyhow. Moving on.

I spent some time with a few young writers that are helping me put a content engine at Podium. While talking to them, I realized yet again that I am a coach material than anything else. Or may be I am not and I am merely rationalizing? I dont know. But it was great fun to give gyaan. Here are the top three things that I told them…

a. Create a sacred space that you use specifically for writing. This could be within your house. Or could be a Starbucks. This space should not be mixed with other activities (specifically recreational) and each time you enter the space, you get in the zone. Think temples, churches, mosques etc. Each time you enter, you know you are now expected to behave in a certain manner.

b. Make writing your bitch. Simple. Inspiration must strike you when you want it to. Not the other way around. An easy way to do this is to ensure that you write every day. I picked this from Julia Cameron. And today is the 228th day on the trot that I have published a piece. So, clearly it works!

c. Don’t write to impress. Write because you want to express something. If you think words are not flowing, assume you are writing a longish message to your best friend. Or a colleague. Even if it’s a regular update on how the coffee today sucked, you better write. Plus, you should be ok if no one reads. The intent is to not get read. The intent is to write. Publish. The audience is the unintended side effect. Of course, at a point, you want the audience as well. But for the time being, write for yourself.

So that.

Guess this is about it for the day. Need to get going with things. This week is a busy one. And no, no photos from yesterday to show off. Should’ve clicked some.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 137
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 227

250721 – Morning Pages

SG’s shades of grey.

6:45. Just like the last few days, I woke up once again with this sense of sadness and tinge of melancholy in my head. I believe I am a strong person and if going thru what I am going thru is hard for me, I can’t imagine how it would be for a common person.

Nothing seems to be interesting. Or exciting. Not even watching Taarak Mehta, leave alone those complex films with characters that have shades of grey. Grey. Or Gray. Or whatever it is. That’s how I feel. Maybe I am not getting enough Vitamin D. Or B12. May be I am not getting enough human connection. Maybe I am not getting enough money. Maybe… I mean I dont even know what is lacking in life. I mean I know what is but I cant seem to pinpoint and get an antidote. I feel grey. Feeling blue, if you will.

And it’s affecting how I live. And who I am. I am eating like a pig. I have fallen off my exercise. Whatever little I do. I am avoiding friends and people I know. I was supposed to go for breakfast with a friend of 18 years. I skipped it. I am not delivering at work. I have book to edit. I have a deck to make. I have some emails to send. I havent even checked my emails in 2 days. Things are lagging behind. I am not honoring my commitments. I am being a dick to people that care for me. If they do actually care and not just faking it. I dont even know who’s for real and who’s not. Parents, yes. SG2, yes. M, maybe. Rest I dont know. Everyone can see that I am slacking. It’s affecting my relationship with those people. Wait. I am not being a dick. I am merely aloof. Dont think people care if I stay away. They havent told me if they do. Thing is, I am painting myself in a corner. I am running fast on the negative spiral that is probably at the rock bottom and there’s this dark abyss that seems to go as deep as the globe itself.

I dont know how to fix things. I dont know who to talk to. And what to talk about, if I get to talk to someone. Even if I found someone, I won’t know what to say. This blog, this morning page is an attempt to talk. And yet I dont know what to talk about. I mean can’t pinpoint. I just feel blank. You know what I am saying? I can’t afford a shrink. No fast cars for me. Fuck fast. I dont have a car that I could just take off on. And even if I had, where would I take off to? The roads are fine but then apart from the feeling of escape, I am not sure where I would reach? And why would someone care?

As the self-help, self-care, self-preservation measure, I have probably seen the whole of youtube that talks about Buddhism, Taoism, Stoicism, Nihilism, and all the other -isms. Even Dandapani’s videos aren’t helping. I’ve read about the stages of grief and I am probably between denial and catharsis. Of what, I am not sure. I know time will solve whatever is affecting me. I just need to get thru this phase. I know this too shall pass. I know nothing lasts forever and these ebbs and flows are part and parcel of life and death.

I hope soon.

Anyhow. Lemme try to get some cheer on these pages. Lemme try and write about good things from yesterday. There are a few, to be honest, but let me try nonetheless.

A. I found a Starbucks that was accepting customers.
The one at the airport. I went there and found a comfortable chair and table that did not wobble. That in itself is an achievement, considering how busy these outlets can get.

B. I heard a full podcast after a while.
On PradX’s recommendation. This one. Got some interesting ideas. No, despite the interestingness, I am not in the position to absorb those. Or react to those. Or act on them.

C. Wore shoes.
Trying to get used to the idea of feet stuck inside other things. Walked almost 18000 steps. As of today, I am at some 76K steps for the week. I would have loved to clock 100K steps for the week. But looks unlikely. Maybe next week.

Oh, while walking, took the jetty across to Madh and walked about for a bit there. Even though it’s 15-20 minutes away from all the hustle and bustle of Mumbai as a city, it’s still a village. I think Madh could be a good place to live. The only challenge is that it’s way too far from public places that I typically hang out at – Starbucks, Airport, M’s place, etc. I will think about it once I am back after Diwali. If I am back. Yeah, I am strongly considering quitting Mumbai. Even if my dreams of films and fame and bank balance can only happen here. Actually, I am at the place in life right now where I want to quit every damn thing that defines me. I need a fucking reset button.

D. Here’s a new thing.
Each day I will upload a selection of photos I click during the day. And write a line about those. Here are two from yesterday.

So yeah, this is about it I guess. Just a few good things. All forced. In attempts to get some sanity going in my head.

Anyhow.

I need to get going with the day. Which means I will go park myself at the Starbucks at the airport and work. At least pretend to. And then, maybe, try to.

Let’s see how much I can. There’s a lot open at my end. Can’t continue to slack for too long. Whatever I have is because I have worked hard and have proven to be a reliable person to work for.

I just hope I am back to being destiny’s child again where doors open for me and things happen without me trying real hard. Inshallah soon. I’ve had enough of this greys and sadness and mediocrity and all that. Pray for me, if you do.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. For the second day on the trot, ate so much crap that I’ve undone all the good work that I did in the first few days. I am already hungry. I will see if I can skip food today.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 136
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had coffee yesterday. Maybe that’s why I couldnt sleep?
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1. Walked 17K steps.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 226

240721 – Morning Pages

Thoda sad post. Maybe very sad. Read with caution. Please dismiss this as a rant of a sad man.

6:18. All the good work that I did in the first 4 days (3 actually, if I ignore the break) went to the gutter yesterday. I had a day where I was so buried in work that I did not get to make health the priority. I was working till late and then I ate carbs after 10 PM. I did not go for a walk. I did not do pushups. I did walk up to my house. I did nothing that would make me proud. I even wasted time on Chess and twitter (I stay away but did browse the website) and other such websites. Even though I spoke to V, I still am as spaced. I have absolutely no clue what to do about this instability in the head and this randomness that I am afflicted with!

Anyhow. I will try and pick up from where I left. Let’s see.

I have a lot to do on the work front. I plan to spend the day at the airport Starbucks, you know the one that’s open on the weekends. I plan to carry my shoes when I go and then on the way back, I plan to walk back. Let’s see if I can.

Even on the projects front, there are quite a few things open. Need to work on those. Hope I get those done.

Here’s a thought that just dawned on me while I was writing this. I think I am burying myself with work and random things to escape from things that are clouding my head and heart. I am sort of running away. From the house I live in. From the relationships I have. From the current life I live.

Thing is, I’ve always ran. Away. Metaphorically. And always to an unknown place. Of course, I can’t get away from a lot of things, some people are now part of me forever. Some things now have come to define me. Some relationships are as important to me as breathing is. In fact, this burying into non-stop work is probably my way to cope with whatever is happening with me on the inside.

I think I need to get stronger in my head. I also think I need to get away once again. Probably go live in a place where I don’t know anyone and there are no chances of any encounters with anyone I know. I tried that with Goa last year. No, it did not help. May be a move to another country? Lol. Or maybe I should just quit everything I am working on and go become a taxi driver or something. And read with whatever little time I get on the side.

I actually don’t know. Thoda muddled hai. I think I will let the thought stay in my head and maybe the answer will pop up. I just need to ensure that I, as Joseph Campbell said, follow my bliss. Maybe this struggle to stay sane and stay focussed and stay on the path is the reward in itself? Maybe this life where I continue to strive to look at larger things is the very reward that my life will get? And now that I already have, why bother seeking affirmations and validation from others?

Kind of dark.

Ok, an epiphany happened. While showering. Funny how many good ideas come in when I am in the shower. Funnier how little time I spend in the shower. Must take longer baths. Anyhow. So epiphany. I was thinking about the email that I want to send to Anjum Sir about Toofan. While I was thinking about it, I wanted to be polite when I ask him questions. I realized that may be, just may be, I know more than him? Of course, I am being a mere critic. And I am assuming that he had control over the script even after the production started. So this is when I realized that may be my destiny, my bliss is not in actually doing things but enabling others to do. You know, like Anjum sir. Like Drona. Like Mickey. Like other such illustrious teachers.

May be I was sent here to enable others.

And not that I haven’t tried to be that coach to others. I have in the past work with countless people as a friend, coach, mentor, etc. And with a few more with deeper engagement with projects like TRS, PPP, GP, and more.

Clearly, I have been ineffective with those. I mean none of those is a roaring success. They do ok but none of those has gone on to become an Arjuna or anything. They remain far from self-sustenance. I am glad they don’t need my intervention on a day-to-day basis but if I stop the funding, they will probably die.

I know that in a few years, they would be really big in terms of their impact and reach and money and all that. I hope I am there when that happens. They are literally my life’s work. The people that work on these are like my children. My babies, my creations. Instead of bearing kids with my DNA, I have given these all that I have. And more. More than I’d probably give to any other offspring in the future. Even M. Guess I am done with it. For the time being. Till something shakes me.

And no, I am not taking credit for their success. If they fail, I am indeed responsible but if they succeed, it would be an outcome of their hard work. aNd I know each of them will become large roaring successes. I hope soon. If not soon, then I know, in a few years. These things take time.

Ok, I digressed.

The point was, maybe my bliss, my raison d’etre is not making it big. But helping others make big. Maybe I need to accept that I will live in anonymity and poverty and I will help others make money. Maybe with this awareness, I need to change how I think, how I imagine, how I plan, how I evaluate myself, and how I work?

May be.

Let this mince around in my head for a few days.

Here’s the streaks though.

  • OMAD – 0. Ate like a pig yesterday 🙁
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 135
  • #noCoffee – 4
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0. Walked literally 0 steps yesterday.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 225

230721 – Morning Pages

A quick note about my love for aaloo. And a shortpost on how I spent yesterday.

7:43. Woke up late. While sleeping, I got late with work. Too much to be done in too little time. Even though I had decided that I will focus on health and nothing else but the thing I was working on is not regular dal roti work. Rather it is for the future and I am hoping it will bear fruit someday. So that becomes important.

However, I still slept 8 hours. So that!

Also, yesterday I took a break from working out. Lol, working out. I just do Surya Namaskars. And I call that workout!

So, I did not do SNs. But I did walk 12K+ steps and did walk up 19 flights of stairs. And I ate one time. And oh man, I ate like a man out of famine. Sandwiches, Upma, aaloo. Man, I love aaloo. I hadn’t had it in a while and loved the taste. I think it’s the best damn thing to eat. After rice. I know at some point in time in life I will quit both these all together but they will remain my favorite food and I will miss em.

Moving on.

I have to boast that while I was walking around last night, I was very tempted to order Egg Rolls and Samosas and Rice and all from various places that are my regular places to order from. I almost walked in. I even told myself that I will reward myself with em if I walked 12K steps. And like the 5-year old that could delay gratification for marshmallows, I did walk 12K and yet I delayed the gratification!

A very big win for someone like me who is very fickle with my concentration and decisions.

So that.

Oh, I finished watching Toofan yesterday. And I can see why it hasn’t done well. I think the way they positioned it (a boxer’s story), is where they went wrong. If they had positioned it as a love story, under the guise of a man’s search for respect and validation, people would have seen it independently and all the comparisons made with other “boxing” and sports films wouldn’t have happened. I plan to write a letter to Anjum Sir to ask about this thought. I hope he responds to the letter and makes me wiser.

Also, I had a hard hard day yesterday in terms of personal space. Life hasn’t been kind in terms of relationships and I don’t know what to do to fix those. More on echochamber.

Just that I was distracted with what I am doing at LHV. Grateful to AaGe and AnGo. Without these guys, I wouldn’t be doing an iota of things I am doing on LHV. Plus the call yesterday with one of the prospective companies was fascinating and looks very promising. Need to scale the effort on that front. Let’s see who that goes.

So that’s about it for the time being.

I am not thinking about anything, to be honest, but not eating crap and doing as much as I can do to get in shape for the EBC, which is in less than 2 months. Time to go do those 12 SNs before I start the day.

See you on the other side. Oh, and, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 134
  • #noCoffee – 3
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 4
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 224

220721 – Morning Pages

A short post on what I did yesterday. Not much to be honest. But a post none the less.

8:27. Woke a few minutes ago. I slept at around 11:30 last night and my body was probably so tired from all the workout I did. Lol. Workout. Walking 10000 steps. Mr. Garg is funny.

Anyhow, I just woke up and I think I will rest it out today. I will probably just walk around.

So here’s a recap of the day that went by. It was a chutti for most people but I worked more than I do on other days. It was an ok day, to be honest. But on the road to EBC front, I climbed up 19 stories. 8 in the afternoon, 3 to a friend’s place, and another 8 once in the evening. Walked 17000+ steps. I could do it as I decided to take a work call while I walked. I must do it more often. Any calls post 6 are to be taken while walking unless you need to be on camera. Today, at 6, am supposed to be on camera :D. But right after that, I will go for a longish walk. Even if it’s raining. I have found my groove with walks in the rain!

So, yesterday, I wrote a difficult apology mail to a friend that I started a business with but I couldn’t do my part. It’s one of those red spots on my CV. I start projects and I stop those but most of those reach a point where they stop making sense. This one, I did not even put my head or heart to after a point. I even ghosted the friend. And this is very very unlike me. In the sense, I like to face issues and take em head-on. I don’t run away from work-related problems. Rather, I try to find a solution and then I try to ensure that those mistakes are not repeated. With this one, I did none of these. I did what I hate the most – run away and hide. I am sorry for how I conducted myself with it. The sad part is that I can’t do anything to fix it. Apologies don’t make sense when a lot of water has passed under the bridge.

No, the load is not off my head.
No, I did not fix what was broken.

But I did face my fear and acknowledge that I was wrong.

So that.

Apart from this, met Aditya Save for a walk. He gave me a lot of inputs on where I lack as a professional. The highlight was that if I choose one of the things I am working on, I probably will scale it to a point where I will be financially free. I don’t agree but I will think about it and let’s see how this goes and what I conclude. Even if I were to focus on one thing, I don’t think I have the luxury to focus on just one. I make my money by juggling multiple balls in the air, while I am perched on a unicycle on a tight rope a million feet above the ground.

Towards the end of the day, I saw some more of Toofan. As I see it, I can spot some obvious errors. Will write a post about those. And maybe a letter to Anjum Sir. Not from the perspective of correcting those. But from the perspective of knowing why Anjum Sir thought those things would work. He must have thought those things would work. Let’s see when I get around to it.

So yeah. This is about it from yesterday. I am hoping to not work out today, except for some walking. Or stairs may be. If I change my mood towards the evening and go some Surya Namaskar, it would be a bomb!

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. Had chocolate at afternoon and some soup at around 10:30 in the night.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 133
  • #noCoffee – 3
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 3. Did 17K. Yay!
  • Surya Namaskar – 3
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 223