140721 – Morning Pages

A quick note where I talk to self. And dump whatever is on the top of my head. Things like people, mentors, work, leverage and more.

7:05. Woke up groggy. And a choked nose. And soreness in the neck. Damn old age. I had decided that I will focus on three things yesterday and do just those. I am glad to say I could manage just one (being sarcastic) and the other two are now overdue. And this means that the three things that I need to work on today will get pushed. And I will miss a few more deadlines. Damn!

I now know what work stress is! In the sense, what the stress of non-delivery is. Need to pull socks and deliver the magic that I am known to have delivered in the past.

So that. There’s nothing else on the top of my mind. Oh, I walked up 8 stories yesterday. I need to be able to do 100 stories everyday without losing breath. The day I can do that is the day I can, well, breathe easy. I also ate three meals yesterday. And that too full of carbs. You know, Pizza. My guilty pleasure. How the F would I lose weight? Yesterday only VG was telling me that for someone my height and age, I need to be lighter by 17 KGs. 17! I don’t even know how I would get to that number. It’s not about starving but probably about burning the calories and then the excess fat.

Chalo, aaj fast. Come what may. Even if stress forces me to order shit and eat as if a famine is coming, I will NOT eat. Neither I would have coffee. Green tea, #ftw!

Apart from these two things (health and work), to be honest, there isn’t much on the top of my head. But then there are a couple of things that happened yesterday that I need to take note of.

One, I spoke to two of my mentors. And my sis. Each conversation was around a certain thing (work, emotion, etc). And while talking to each of these, I felt really really grateful that I have their patronage. And respect. And mindshare. I must have done something incredibly right to have this. Super grateful. Need to grow more such relationships. Where there’s mutual respect, no hidden agendas, and comfort. I know you can’t really do this with people. But I will do whatever it takes to deliver on things from my side to grow into such relationships.

Two, I realized yet again that on the work front (and even on the life front), I don’t want to be the person that executes. I don’t want to trade my time for money (work). I want to rather be the one the opens doors and gets things delivered. I want to be the one that leverages his relationships and trades the knowledge to make ends meet (time). You know, become that person that doesn’t need to have a laptop open ever. I should use my phone, team of people and deliver magic. Now, this is far easier said than done. Especially at the stage where I am at. In the sense, I am still not stable enough to get work that pays me consistently. Most of it comes to be after I put in an insane amount of time and effort. And what I do is not rocket science. So that means that I need to consistently deliver great things to keep the engine running.

In fact, the second one has been a recurring theme. I need to find a thing that can be done about it. Thankfully, with the current scheme of things at work, I have taken a step towards building a team that can do things in my absence. Let’s see when that comes together.

Oh, I have to write this. I was talking to my sis and while talking, I told her that I often abstract myself away from what’s happening to me. I sort of float over my body and look down upon me. I see this 38-year old struggling to make ends meet, trying to get better, striving on a day-to-day basis. And I see a dude trying to be cool, making mistakes, slacking, giving in to temptation on a regular basis. While there are both positives and negatives in the person I see, the abstraction allows me to help the person I am seeing. By giving him inspiration. You know, the kinds I am told I am able to. Others call this phenomenon self-talk. I call this, well, zooming-out. Irrespective. It works. Try it.

So that. That’s it for the day. See you guys tomorrow. I have a lot to do today and tomorrow and this week in general. And here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 125
  • #noCoffee – 14
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 215

130721 – Morning Pages

Quick update from how I spent yesterday. Some thoughts about my relationship with food. And then some about work.

8:24. Starbucks. I slept late. Not late really. At around 1. Had a lot of work and I decided that I will finish all that and then sleep. Of course, I couldn’t finish. But I still got late. Lol, adulting!

And then I got late in waking up. And then it was raining (oh, I love it!). And then I had to start the day and work and all that. So. Here I am at Starbucks. Must put on paper that despite my thing about working, I did not get myself a coffee. Pat on the back, Mr. Garg!

But then, I did eat a lot. I think it was stress eating more than anything else. I was not hungry. I did not even feel like eating. I was just stressed about work. So I ate.

In fact, lemme delve into this. I think there has to be a connection between growing up with scarcity and trying to eat like a mad man. I know this is anecdotal evidence at best (with a sample size of 1) but at least in my case, every time my system spots a scary thing (missed deadline, failure at something, knowing that the day’s gonna go to shit, etc), I tend to want to eat. Mind you, I don’t get hungry. I don’t get hunger pangs. I don’t get cravings. But for some reason, I want to stuff myself. As much as I can. Even though I know that after I eat, I will probably slouch and the thing that is scaring me, I will be less equipped to handle that. And yet I want to eat! I think it’s the body’s reaction that may be a famine is coming and it must load up on whatever it can get. I am not sure though.

So that.

Moving on. The day was a busy one. The highlight has to be a meeting with NT for the Aram Nagar documentary. I’ve known him for a while and this was the first time I met him. Even though this was an online meeting, he was candid, open, honest, and upfront about what he thought about it. The world needs more people like him. I am glad I know him.

For today, while I have a lot to work on, I am thinking I will spend the bulk of the time on just three things. No, I dont want to write those here (confidentiality and all that) but I have taken those notes, and let’s see how it goes. If I can deliver on these three things, a large part of the stress will get managed.

Lemme talk of work. Which I often dont talk about.

So on the work front, I do a few things. I write (yeah, I get paid to write). I think (marketing, strategy, etc). And I manage (people, things, etc). I am brilliant when it comes to writing. I am very good at thinking. I am terrible at managing. In the sense that I dont know what it takes to inspire others. So most of my time is spent juggling these things. Plus, I refuse to take up full-time engagements. This means that I need to be always on the lookout for new work, new connections, new things, new ideas, etc. And that also fills a large part of my time. And then I am the lesser half at a few other things. Not that I spend a lot of time there but it does take away attention. And thus, I am perpetually short of time. No, I am not bad at managing time. I think I am very good, to be honest. Just that I have filled my 24 hours (and head) with things that require 48 hours. You know, am trying to be a multipotentialite. Lol.

Of course am not. And thus I am failing at it. And thus I need to get my act together. And thus focus on a few things at a time. And thus the idea of doing just three things today.

Let’s see how it goes. Wish me luck.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 124
  • #noCoffee – 13
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 1. I will see if I can do this during the day to keep the streak alive.
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 214

120721 – Morning Pages

While talking to a friend last night, epiphany happened. And here’s a record of that.

6:20. Woke up a few minutes ago. I feel ok. Not as full of energy as I would want to be. But then, not drowsy either. It’s fascinating to see bodily functions come to life. On today’s agenda, before anything else (and after these morning pages) is Surya Namaskars. And if all goes well, 10K steps, at least. And unless I am running late, I am not taking lifts for up to 10 stories.

Today’s gonna be a busy day. A lot needs to be done. And most things were to be done as of yesterday. So, a busy day indeed!

Yesterday, they released information about a film based on Navrasa. The film is an anthology of stories, being made by Maniratnam. And that means it will be a great piece of cinema to watch. And that means people would be more aware of the concept from here on. And that means that my book2 will always be considered inspired by this. While I am ok with the comparison and all that, the lesson for me is that I need to do things fast. Soon. Even if I am not prepared.

In fact, I was having another conversation with someone about something similar. I was talking about how as an artist it is important to ship your work — books, paintings, poems, etc. And to be able to ship, you MUST seek whatever help you can get access to. I mean if you write, get an editor. If you paint, you must get apprentices to help you visualize. I believe that the lone genius needs an army of believers to enable the creation to come out. I can give many anecdotal pieces of evidence to support this. The point is, I needed to get the second book out in 2015. The first half of 2021 is over and even after 6 and half years, I am far from any sort of shipping. So that.

Anyhow. Let’s see when the book happens.

So, while chatting with SNR about work and life, I said something interesting. This is the first time I’ve said that out loud. In fact, it’s the first time I even thought about it – consciously or subconsciously. I actually said two things.

A, I like the idea of project business. You know, where you have a lot of work for some time. And then you have long periods of no-work time. I then said the second and more important thing.

B, Which is that I would thus love to be in the films business. When I am working on a film, I will have nothing else to work on and will be so busy that it’s not funny. And when I am not on a film, I will have such a large amount of idle time that I can while it away by reading, learning, reflecting, and all that.

And then I said something that was even a revelation to me. I said that over the next two years, I want to make enough and save money to be able to pay off the debt. And then save some more to last me two years. And in those two years, I will jump head-first into filmmaking. I will use the savings to pick up whatever work I can get and learn like an apprentice and then see where things lead me. So that!

I did not know that I wanted to make films this bad. That I am willing to let go of all that I have to be able to be part of the films business. May be it’s not the films per se but the lust to control how I spend my time!

So that. I dont know if I’d be able to do this in the next two years. Only time will tell. Let’s see where it goes.

So yeah. That. There are more things I can write about but that was the major epiphany that happened over the weekend. Guess it could happen because I didn’t do anything important or substantial over the last two to three days.

Other insignificant things that are worth noting are…

  1. Eating like a pig. Out of famine. Not cool. Today, I will try to fast. And if not that, OMAD for sure. And even with OMAD, will pick food that has less carbs.
  2. Slacking with work. To a point that I will probably get fired. So need to change that.
  3. Not using my time better. While there is a calendar that I use per se, I need to get attached to it so much that I don’t do anything that is not on my calendar.

Guess that’s about it. Can’t think of the 4th 😀

Need to get on with the day. And some Surya Namaskars to start with the day. Let’s see if I can do 12 😀 Update. I did 12. With this as a companion video!

And, as I start my day, here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 123
  • #noCoffee – 12
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0. Even though I did today, will add to streak from tomorrow.
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 213

110721 – Morning Pages

A summary of how I spent yesterday and things that I am thinking about.

7:52. I woke up a few minutes ago. Yesterday was tiring (walked 20K steps). And hard on stomach (ate like a pig coming out of a famine). And very hard on work. Apart from morning pages, I did not even switch on the laptop (a rare thing, considering how busy I am).

Lemme recap the day.

Went on a hike with a few friends to Kokanipada Waterfall (here). Been there a couple of times before this. This time we went without a guide to show us the way. A lot of guesswork, a lot of asking around, and with some luck, we managed to reach the waterfall. I realized that I can do these less strenuous hikes without breaking too much sweat. Which is a good thing. Need to prepare for the EBC. I have just about 2 months to go 😀

Then we got together at a friend’s place to catch up. And to say goodbye to a friend who’s moving out of Mumbai. No no, he’s not going back to his “gaon” cos of the issues with the lockdown. His family has an opportunity at another place and thus the move. Guess this is what life is. People move as and when they get opportunities. I hope wherever he goes, he remains happy and continues to learn and grow.

Played some poker. Miss the feeling of being on a poker table. And guessing and second-guessing and all that. Must start with it soon. Just that it takes away a lot of time and I need to find a way to make time.

Anyhow.

Then met another friend that I did my MBA with. This one after I think 3 years. Again, caught up with life and work and all that. Looked at some pictures from the good times we’ve had in the past. Reminisced about the past.

And then I came back. The ear continued (and continues) to hurt. I continue to refuse to go to a doc. I eventually slept.

And here we are. Morning after.
And here are some thoughts that have lingered since yesterday. I haven’t been able to think deeply about. Let’s see what comes out as I write those.

A. I can’t seem to hold attention in a room full of people. Not that I want to be the center of attraction per se but I like the idea of getting people together. I am not sure what’s the grand plan of this universe but I know that people talking to people and spending a relaxed time with each other is what makes life wonderful.

B. The idea of giving away time to make ends meet is not a good one. I need to find ways and means to not be this occupied. I mean I’ve had times and opportunities when I was in a projects business (you know, you’re busy for a long time and then you’re jobless) and I think that works the best for me. This entire idea of always-on work is not my scene. I need to find a way to get out of this.

Also, this has been a recurring thought in my head for the last few days. No, I am not complaining about money or work here. I am grateful that I have it. The issue is that I like the idea of idle time where I can daydream, plan, think, ideate, wander, and all that. This idle time is when I cultivate relationships, meet people, and all that. And this cultivation is what helps me stay sane.

So that.

C. I am conflicted. On one side, I want to meet friends, new people, strangers, and more. Even if conversations with those are fleeting. I love spending time with them. On the other, I like the idea of seclusion and staying by myself.

So that. I don’t know what I really am. You know, from the inside. I haven’t been able to think deeply about this. Maybe this is what I need to ponder upon next time I meditate. Let’s see.

D. I am still mindful about not letting too many negative emotions run through my system. And thus this blog. No, I am not hiding anything from anyone. Just that I am trying to acknowledge the negatives and focus on the positives.

So that. A lot to think about, munch on. Let’s see how it goes. Will do this over the next few days. For the time being, here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 122
  • #noCoffee – 11
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 212

100721 – Morning Pages

Reflections on the day gone by. Lessons I learnt. Thoughts I have.

6:14. Woke up a few minutes ago. Had a very very long day yesterday. And it was hard. Hard because I had to do a lot of things that I hadn’t planned for. Plus I anyway was stressed cos I was wearing pants and shirt and shoes for a large part of the day. Plus I ate McDonald’s at 12 and some random food (and a lot of that) at 6:30. So while I am still on about 18-6 time-restricted fast, I can no longer call it OMAD.

Moving on.

So yesterday, I met AG briefly. It’s amazing that even though I meet him rarely, each time I meet him, we can talk heart to heart. Either he’s amazing at putting the other person at comfort. Or he and I connect at a level that’s kind of tough for me to connect with, with others.

We talked about multiple things – some about him, some about me. Things that we talked about him shall remain hidden in the folds of my mind. The things that he talked to me about me, allow me to reflect on those here.

A. He said these morning pages are getting depressing.
My reaction to that is at three levels. One, someone but me reads these :D. Two, if it’s negative, I could say that people are welcome to stop reading. I merely want to pour out whatever is on top of my head. Three, these morning pages reflect what’s on top of my mind. And if a third party reader is feeling the sadness and negativity in what I am writing, may be I am sad and depressed and negative.

So, need to check my emotions. And become better in my day to day emotions. I know it may not happen overnight but at some point, inshallah, it will happen. Of course, I will continue to be honest in terms of what I write. I just need to control my emotions and not let the negatives overcome the positives.

B. Poker
He mentioned that he’s playing poker (recreational). And I crave for it. I need to get back to! I dont know how though. I dont have many connections here in Andheri. Powai is way too far to go and meet Anubhab. Let’s see what solution I find.

C. Importance of expanding the circle of people you know.
He gave me a literal discourse about how to meet more people and then try and learn from them. I was exactly like that till a few years ago. But then with time as confidence started dwindling, I stopped interacting with new people. I even stopped meeting the friends I cared for. In the sense, I started to stay away. I refused to spend time with them on frivolous pretexts.

Of course, I will want to be aware of where I spend time. And think hard about who I give my attention to. After all that’s what Dandapani has been teaching me since forever! In fact, I continue to watch videos from Dandapani. Saw this one. And this one.

So that.

Ok, I need to be going. Have to stop this post abruptly. Will be back tomorrow with more.

Meanwhile, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. Ate at 12 and 6. So, no the OMAD streak is broken.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 121
  • #noCoffee – 10
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 211

090721 – Morning Pages

Quick, short post on my chase of minimalism.

8:32. Starbucks. Not my usual one. I am at the one in Powai. I have to go to the end o the world for a meeting and since there is no Starbucks there, I am parked here till about an hour to go for the meeting. I hope it works out well and the ordeal of these clothes etc is worth it!

So something interesting happened yesterday. Prak was over and while talking to her, the distracted one I am, I started to clean things that I have at my house. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. You know, move to minimalism. Just that I hadn’t had the opportunity to even get started. I did make small starts by giving away a few things but it is those little trinkets that you hold close that you can’t seem to give away. So while talking to her, I sort of emptied various shelves out, took out things, thought about them, and then discarded a lot of those. It was scary for a bit but then after a while, it felt ok.

Some were tough to remove. Some were easy. Some I’ve continued to cling to. I will probably throw those away in the next pass (whenever that happens).

Thing is, my ambition is to own just 20 things. Including Passport, computers, phones, toothbrushes, first-aid, even undies, etc. It sounds impossible but let’s see if I can reach that point. If not that, then I have to be at a point when I just have enough that can fit in a carry-on bag in the most commercial of airlines in their cattle class.

More here

A couple of people asked me why am I doing this.

I think the answer is complex and there are multiple factors at play here.

For starters, I have wanted to live a simpler life where I think on a higher plane (whatever that means). Then, lately, I’ve been reading and consuming a lot of content from Dandapani. I think the final straw was when I thought deeply about life and death a few days ago. I was at a point where I realized that when I am gone, would I want to have my affairs in order? Or will I just go and leave things open.

Now, as someone who’s like the biggest loser I know and as someone that leaves so many things unfinished, when I go, I really want to have things in order. In the sense that there can’t be anything that expects someone to come back. The place has to be vacated. The lights need to be shut. All things discarded. At places where they can’t be attributed to me. In fact, in my will, one of the things I’ve mentioned is that all my digital footprint must be deleted. As much as possible, at least.

So that.

Also, I realized I think the best when I talk out loud to others. Not write, not think but when I talk out loud. But then I need people like Prak to talk to. You know the ones that would not judge and will not impose their thoughts and ideas on my situation. The trouble is, I dont know many people like her.

Anyhow. I have a very long Friday ahead. And even longer weekend. And the next week. The list of to-dos is almost reaching the moon. I need to either find a thing where I dont rent my time or I need to marry a rich heiress of an infinite fortune. Know anyone?

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 4
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 120
  • #noCoffee – 9
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 210

080721 – Morning Pages

Short post on things at the top of my mind on this Thursday morning.

6:18. Woke up at 5 something. Feeling unwell. Feverish I think. Maybe it’s the AC that spews cold air on me? Or maybe the kachra that I am eating? I don’t think there could be any other reason. I mean I didn’t get wet in the baarish, there hasn’t been any baarish lately. So I don’t know why I feel unwell. I didn’t get good sleep the night before. I was ok during the day. Yesterday I slept at around 10 and woke up without an alarm at 5ish. And I think I slept well. So dunno what’s wrong. Let’s see how the day goes.

So, over the last few days, I’ve been watching conversations and discourses by Dandapani. He’s one of those rare mystics / monks that speak to me. In whatever I have seen, he has remained away from commenting on what’s in vogue (you know, gender issues, politics, etc) and he seems to have the same thoughts about life and people as I (social media is bad for you, highlights of a stranger’s life making you narcissist, etc). I am inspired by his thoughts and ideas that I think I will ape him. You know, mimic him. In the sense that I will renounce all material possessions (I anyway have very few of those) and get detached from whatever emotional relationships I have (again, I have few of those). I will be available to serve the ones that seek my time / company et al. More on this as I start reflecting and seeing where I want to be.

Oh, I am noticing that my eyesight is kinda fading away. In the sense that the things that are in small fonts are blurred. I need to squint my eyes to focus my gaze and then read. Things in the distance are blurry. All my life I’ve taken pride in having good eye-sight. It seems to be going away. Guess this is what aging is. I am at the point in life where the body seems to be withering away with each passing day. I know a time will come when probably all of it will fall away and along with it will go my consciousness that sorts of makes me think, reflect, do, and all that. Wait. If this happens, it will be the best thing to happen. You will know that you are fading away. You can plan for the time when you are gone. You know, write a will, say your goodbyes, get and give closure. The worst way to go would be the one where you go all of a sudden. In the sense that you think all’s hunky-dory and the next instant, you are gone. Without knowing about the impending departure. And without having the opportunity to at least make that final comment or a note on how you lived!

Anyhow. Moving on.

I don’t know what else to write. Lemme come back in a bit.

8:15. Starbucks.
Since I took a break, have shat, showered, read a few pages of this book, reflected on what I saw in today’s video by Dandapani, spoke at home.

I still don’t know what to write. Guess I am exhausted after the flurry of texts and emails and notes and all that over the last few days. Time to get going and start with the work. The track of the day is Hotel California.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 3
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 119
  • #noCoffee – 8
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 209

[RANT] 070721 – Morning Pages

An unfiltered rant about a million things in my head that I cant seem to find a solution to. Do NOT read!

5:19. Woke up a few minutes ago.
Was in the bed at around 1. So about 4 hours. That too broken and intermittent. The day hasn’t really started and I am already tired. A million things are swirling around my head in a Brownian motion and each time one thought hits the wall of my head or each other, a loud explosion happens. The head right now is full of the noises that you would expect a battleground to have!

Lemme use freewriting to get the load off my head.
These are not in order.
And not meant to be taken seriously.

I am slowly inching towards the end of my useful time here on Earth. If someone makes the mistake to write a biography on my time here, they would probably finish it in half a sentence. It would be on the lines of, “He’s this person that day-dreamed about doing great things but did jackshit about it. He died a failure, pauper and under considerable debt. His legacy includes a million half-baked ideas who’s carcasses are strewn around everywhere.”

The funny thing is, I exactly know what my biography would contain and yet I am unable to do anything about it. I cant seem to do good work. I am unable to move the mountains. I am not making any meaning. I am not even losing weight. Heck, I can’t even walk for more than 2 minutes without huffing and puffing!

It plain sucks. Most people say that knowing what the problem is half the battle won. I exactly know my problem. And yet I am unable to do shit about it. I mean my problem is that I want to live a life where I am the master of my time and I am able to do what I want to.

Wait. What is it that I want to do?

A LOT!

Both at a personal level and for others. You know, a la, Kabir, make enough for myself, kutumb and yet have enough to ensure that no Saadhu goes back empty handed. Here. This is what he said – “Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye

On a personal level, here’s an indicative list of things that I want to do…
Teach.
Make Films
Write Books
Run. Marathons.
Entertain others
Travel the world
Be the shoulder to others
Have access to other interesting people

Matlab, sab karna hai.

Maybe that’s the problem? That there’s so much I want to do (and try to do) that I am unable to do any one thing?

I dont know.

No, I cant focus. At all. Even if it was for life. I just can’t. Even as I am writing this, there are a million thoughts that are running helter-skelter in my head. I have surfed timelines on Instagram and Twitter. Checked my email. Fussed over the music I want to listen to. Thought about the meetings during the day. And more!

DAMN YOU SG!

The other thing that I has not stopped banging against the inside walls of my head is the shortness and uselessness of life. You know, you do so much. You try and help others. You receive help from others. You take stands. You create this egoist self that’s larger than who you really are. You do so much for the world. And then when you are gone, nothing changes anywhere. Not for one person. Apart from one cursory mention about you where they would say RIP and Om Shanti or whatever is in vogue those days, nothing else will happen. The world moves on. People who you thought will miss you will make a fancy social media post to gather a million likes, bask in the glory of that eloquent eulogy they just wrote and that’s that!

While it’s ok, while the life needs to continue to move, I think it’s uncool what relationships and respect has come to. And no, it’s not cool that it does. And come to think of it, it’s awesome! People are individualistic and that means that we would see more inventions and more thrust for human race as such. See, that’s the debate. Individual’s king-ness and ambitions. Or the collective’s survival and perpetuity.

No, there are no easy answers. And it’s just plain sad.

Also, I am thinking about these morbid thoughts from my lens. If I were to go unplanned, I dont think apart from my parents and my sis probably, there’s anyone in the world that’d be affected by my absence. I mean everyone wants to be immortal and wants the world to stop and take note when you are gone. But I ask for a far smaller thing. I just want to have people tell me that they value me, while I am here. Once I am gone, I dont really care if they miss me. And that just doesnt fucking happen. I expect very few things but what I want, I want. And I cant get those. Despite me clinging to hard to people. To a point that I have stopped engaging with people. Even with those that I care for. Life’s a series of transactions and sooner I learn, better it is. No?

Next. Work.

So, most of the work I do is of transactional kinds. This means that I am renting my time out to make ends meet. This the worst kind of work that you could do. You are like a Kolhu Ka Bail. Sisyphus, if you will. Each day you are cursed to repeat that monotonous exercise that may or may not make meaning. But that’s all you do – repeat things. On the other hand, you must aspire for project-based work. This is that work that allows you to have large chunks of time to yourself where you could do whatever you want to (even if you want to sleep) and then some chunks of time where you work so hard that you can’t even die. You know, you could make films, produce events, paint, write books etc. You let your work create opportunities for you. You control how you spend time (and not the other way around).

Wait. And the time you have controlled to be on your side, what do you do with it? To what end?

Lol!

Damn so so mindfucked.

Anyhow. It’s almost an hour. Need to move on. And get working on the presentation. So so confused. And unhinged.

Hope this too shall pass. Soon.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 118
  • #noCoffee – 7
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 208

060721 – Morning Pages

Personal note about someone that passed away yesterday.

8:15. Starbucks.

Yesterday I lost someone who I considered a mentor, friend, bouncing board, and a father figure.

No, I was not related to him by blood. In fact, for most of my life, I did not know him. I started knowing him only around 2007 (or thereabouts – not sure of the timelines) when I started getting active on Twitter. He was one of the first people that I met IRL and from the first interaction itself, I knew I was going to cling to him for life. And I did. In the sense that every time I needed help, every time I needed inputs, every time I hit the wall, he would be one of those people that I would reach out to. And he would be around. To give counsel. To give consolation. And to most importantly, push me.

He is one of those rare people that believed in my potential. Each time I met him, he would tell me to try and do more in life than what I am. He was the never settle kind. And he knew that I could do more. He was very honest, upfront, and candid with his inputs to me. It was often harsh. I would complain but I would always walk out of the room inspired. Most times I’ve wanted to slack, I would try and imagine how would he react to my underachievements. And that would make me push myself harder. And to do more.

My first book wouldn’t have happened without my interactions with him! Here’s a page from the book.

Acknowledgments page from my first and only book, tnks

Now that I think about it, I think I put his name there to get his validation.

That’s the thing about the relationship between him and me. He was that strict father that would not say a good thing if you do average shit. But he would blast you if you slacked. He wanted you to only do the best. He wanted you to succeed. Be that massive success. I have to confess that since I’ve known him, I have wanted his validation. All the time. Off-topic, the two other people that I seek validation from are SC and sgMS (even though both these are now part of my past). More about these two in another post.

And I failed. All the time. Failed him. Failed myself.

No, we did not talk often.
No, we did not work together.
No, we did not share personal, deeper things.
I know he did not consider me a part of his close circle.

And yet somehow when I heard about him, I felt this massive, inexplicable loss.

Thing is, even though we’ve had the worst two years and have lost countless loved ones, I still don’t know how to process when someone passes away. I don’t know how to explain how I feel in such situations. If I can choose frivolous words, I’d say, it plain sucks.

Of course, I want to believe that I am an HFS and I can move on fast. I now know, I may not be. I am probably pretending. And fooling myself.

Yesterday, right after I heard the news, the first thing I did was to check with his partner. And once I realized it was not a rumor per se, I was dumbfounded. At loss. Of thoughts, words, actions.

No, I did not stop living. After I confirmed, I attended two meetings where I cracked those polite jokes and made small talk that you expect on such calls. I then went for a longish meeting for a film where I thought deeply about things, made jokes, got into an argument, and all that.

Once I was back, once the busyness of the day was over, it hit harder. I tossed and turned in the bed. Sleep was far. Even though no coffee during the day. I wanted to distract myself. I craved for that close someone that I could talk to. But then, what do you talk to them about? Maybe it’s not the conversation but the feeling of togetherness that matters? I don’t know. But I did something stupid. I randomly messaged some women on Instagram. Fucking conduct unbecoming. Need to be stronger than that.

I know he was not family or anything. For a bystander, he and I were just two guys that knew about each other via Twitter. But the bystander doesn’t know that he rooted for me and invested his time and connections in me and my life. He put his reputation at stake for me. He chose me at times when I did not choose myself. He inspired me. He was there for me.

And he’s gone. Poof!

I know this too shall pass.
I know time would heal.
I will be ok soon.

Heart goes out to his family and all the thousands of others who’s lived he had touched. The best thing I can do, in his memory, is to live to the values that he lived by.

The values of hard work, of honesty, of friendship, of being enterprising. Most importantly, of being that kind and selfless person that gives, gives, and gives without expecting anything in return.

I must do more, push harder, realize my potential and make him proud. From wherever he’s seeing me, if he sees me (I am one among thousands of beneficiaries of his kindness), he has to be fucking proud of me. And as Fobu told me a few minutes ago, be that nice stranger that roots for others.

That’s it for the day.

There’s no other reminder of the shortness of life than such moments.
Memento Mori.
Time is short.
Must do things. Now.
Must be nicer to others.
And push myself harder.
And, this too shall pass.

Regular rants tomorrow. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 117
  • #noCoffee – 6
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 207

050721 – Morning Pages

Made a tiny change in how I write my morning pages. I am not sure if the output is better but I think I am more at peace. Read on.

8:15 AM. There’s been a change in programming. I woke up at 7. Got ready. Read for a few minutes. I am reading the book on sleep. Thanks, VK. And then I came to a Starbucks and chit-chatted with the staff here. And then got me a Green Tea (see pic here on my alt Insta account). And then I fired up the editor to write the morning pages. And here we are!

So, last evening I had this epiphany, this revelation that I just can not work from a non-office, non-coffee shop place. I mean I knew this for a while now but it got reinforced yesterday as I was struggling to find a good place to work. I even shuttled between houses of friends but to no avail. So here I am. With a big decision. That I will restrict all my work activities to the hours that these establishments open. Which as of today is between 8 AM and 4 PM. Outside of these hours is when I would do all my calls and all that. Let’s see if I can c convince my clients. Oh, and should there be another lockdown, will see what to do about it.

Apart from that for some reason, I am very very calm about all the general fuckery I have experienced in life lately. I mean life’s good. As good as it could be. I am still unhappy, discontent, aching for action and all that. I don’t know how I will find a solution or an answer but I know that as of right now, at 8:38 AM at a Starbucks, I am at peace. The kinds I’ve not felt in a long time. I don’t know what has caused this but must do more of this.

Wait. Maybe it’s the ice cream I ate last night?
Yeah, I did. I was stressed when I was fussing about my inability to work and get things done on time. I even snacked on chips and all that. If I had eaten these things in the eating window, I would’ve been ok. But I ate all these things outside of that. And thus I broke the 4-day OMAD streak. And I did not go for a walk. Or did yoga. The balls still hurt. Two days after I tried to jog 🙁

Wait. I am ok. Let me not cry about it.
Right now, I am in the God Mode and nothing can touch me!

Fuck! God Mode!
Damn, I miss the Q3A days with kAgE where each time I fragged him in a Q3DM6, I would get ecstatic and jump around in joy! In a typical 15-min tourney, I was like an easy bot for him. He could kill me at a whim. He could remember the clock like a robot and knew exactly when Mega Health or the Red Armour would come in. And no, he did not use scripts. He was good. It’s a pity he couldn’t make a career out of competitive gaming.

I miss those simpler days when all we had to worry about was a ping of less than 200. On lucky days we would get a ping of less than 100. We even got the same Internet service provider so that we could be on an extended LAN and play the game more often. Damn those days!

Ok, enough of reminiscencing. Time to move on and get some work done. I only have till about 4 PM today. Actually, not even 4 to be honest. I would be bored of sitting at this place by 1. Or 2. And then I would want to go back, eat something and probably while the time away and crib about how I can’t work from a house. Lol! damn this vicious cycle.

Chalo, time to start working. Here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. Was stressed about work and thus ate a lot. Even sugar-laden ice-cream.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 116
  • #noCoffee – 5
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 206