A quick post on insignificant things that could only be important to me! Such as rechristening of Morning Pages to Meditations.
7:51. Andheri .
It’s official. I am rechristening morning pages as meditations. I am not sure what Morning Pages was supposed to capture but I do know that these short posts that I write before I start my day are like meditations. Quite discussions with myself where I think by writing about things that are clouding my head. I talk about my fears and hopes and ambitions and ideas and thoughts and I am very very naked while I do that. This is what people like Naval and Marcus would call meditations. Probably. I am calling it these pages meditation. Took me just 105 days to do so ;P
So the COVID situation in Mumbai continues to be scary. Another day when we had more than 5000 cases. And yet I continue to hang out at Starbucks. I have one eye on the clock as I write this. I like the idea of an empty cafe, AC on full blast, and me pacing around while I think about whatever I am working on. Which is a lot of things ;P
The other thing that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about is this film that I wanted to make during the lockdown about those universal 36 questions that apparently bring people together (even though it has never worked for me). With the Aram Nagar piece on its way, I think it’s time I start thinking about the 36 Questions as well. Wait. Am I not repeating the pattern where I start a new thing before I finish an old one? Grrr, Mr. Garg.
In other news, I’ve been fasting since 1 AM of the 25th. So I am over 24 hours. I am thinking if I can manage to fast today as well, I will start Keto from tomorrow for about 2 weeks. If nothing else, it will help me lose weight. Keto works for me for sure. Everytime I’ve done it, I have seen results (only to gain the weight back) but may be this time it’s different? After all each day when you wake up, you get up with the hope that today is different. No?
This is about it for the day. I do have a LOT to write (I met a friend yesterday and she made me realize all the things that I do wrong and I need to work on those. I need to write about those, think on those and fix those). But not today. I need time to process (those inputs were pointed at the very core of who I am and how I operate in life. I need to either go on a drive or think deeply about those before I can being to put them in open. Need to take a few hours to write that piece. Let’s see when I get to do it. I may go for a drive with VG tonight. If that happens, I will get all the time to think about things.
Makes me realize how bad I want a car and the ability to take off without waiting for something, someone. Damn, Mr. Garg. Control your horses.
Chalo, gotta go. Before I go, here’s the streaks…
Morning Pages – 105
#aPicADay – 85
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0. Been fasting since 1 AM of the 25th Mar. So 24+ hours. Gunning for 48.
A quick post about ambitions, expectations, hurt, bitterness and COVID.
6:46 AM. I woke up a minute ago. Made my bed. Opened the window to the world outside and put on some music. I felt like listening to this one. And here I am typing this morning meditation.
Yeah, the morning pages need to be rechristened as morning meditations. That’s what these are. Thoughts from things that are clouding my head. For example, I slept last night thinking about how humbling the entire idea of life is. About how success is the only way you get to make great friends. About how the action (and not perfection) is what makes the world go round.
Something happened and I was fucked in the head last night. To a point, I thought I would quit things that trigger it. You know, social media. More than that, expectation from people. But then I don’t know if it was Louise Hay or Morgan Housel or Seneca or even Prof. SG that told me that all misery is in expectation. And once you stop expecting things, you are sort of free. So that happened.
The other thing that caught my eye is this tweet from PG. He postulates that people like me are “bitter and highly effective at realizing that bitterness.”
It seems to be a very poisonous combination to be smart and ambitious and yet not to have achieved very much. Such people are both bitter and highly effective at realizing that bitterness.
Now, I know that I am smart. I also know that I am ambitious. And I have yet to achieve anything, leave alone “very much”. If PG says such people are bitter, they ought to be. However, in my case, I am anything but bitter. Rather, this non-achievement makes me do more. Push more. Open more doors. May be, secretly I am. Maybe this bitterness is that part of my life that I don’t know that exists. You know, the ‘unknown self’ of Johari Window. So I need to think about it.
The other thing I am worried about is rising COVID cases in Mumbai. Now we officially have more cases than we ever had. More than when the pandemic was at its peak and we were banging bartans and lighting candles and chanting mantras and all that. Yesterday we had more than 5000 cases in Mumbai alone (out of 40000 odd that were tested). When you look at the number, it looks small, considering we have almost 2 crore people in the city. But when you juxtapose (I love this word) on people like me that are super-social (even if I am pseudosocial) that meet thousands of people, the risk gets real.
So that.
I think this is about it. There are more things that I’ve written on my echoChamber about the thing that I was fucked in the head about. Someday all of it will go in my biography. If I ever become someone whose story is worth telling the next generations. Lol. Everyone wants to be immortal.
Anyhow, that’s it for the short post. At some point in time I need to get back to writing till my heart’s full. May be when I actually start waking up at 5. Or when they start a Starbucks that opens at 5. Morning is the best damn time ever.
And here’s the streaks…
Morning Pages – 104
#aPicADay – 84
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0 (ate 4 full meals – damn stress eating).
#noCoffee – 15
#noCoke – 15
10 mins of meditation – 0
#book2 – 0. I still haven’t been able to wake up at 5.
Quick post on things that are at the top of my head. And what I am doing about those.
8:26 AM. Starbucks. I dont have a lot of time today to write a long-drawn post. This will be a short post.
First things first. Yesterday, I got myself a financial planner.
No, I don’t have a lot of money to invest, barely any, come to think of it. But I realized I need some discipline. And thus the planner. In all of yesterday, I opened an MF account, activated my stockbroking account, made a spreadsheet to track money, and a few more things. Took me an hour but I did it. If you are reading this and do not belong to the Ambani-Adani clan, you must do this. No, I am yet to see any benefit but I know it would be useful next time we have a COVID kind of crisis.
To augment what she tells me, I think I will read more and more about practical finance. You know, things like Rich Dad, Poor Dad et al. Like I said earlier. I am reading Psychology of Money. Lemme talk about it a bit. The funny thing is that there is NOT one thing new that this book tells me. I know most things that MH has written. Really. I don’t mean to be boastful. But I know. However, the thing is, despite knowing all that, I am poor. I am in debt. So there’s something wrong for sure. Maybe I just have the academic knowledge and I lack what it takes to translate ideas into action? May be combined with the financial advisor, I would see some change? I am hoping I will figure out soon. Maybe the importance I gave to the freedom of time needs to be coupled with knowledge and action about the importance of money? Lets see.
Talking of reading, I am also reading You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This is again a self-help book and again, as I read this, I am nodding at every line and I think I know most of what she’s talking about. Lol.
Here’s a thing. I have oscillated on the two extremes about self-help books. There are times when I love them and recommend those to people. And there are times when I abhor them to a point that I scoff at people that I spot reading these books. I know, I shouldn’t do this but then that’s how I am.
The next I want to read is 48 Laws of Power. I had read it when I was a kid and I need to re-read it. This rereading was a project that I started with Anubhab. He’s read the entire thing but I did not even start. Need to action it. Once I finish either the money book or the life book.
After this, I think I will spend all of 2021 reading as many self-help books around money as I can lay my hands on. What books would you recommend? Repeat. Selfhelp. On money. You know, books like Rich Dad, Poor Dad, etc. #help!
To be honest, the only good thing is that I am back to reading. Last few daysweeksmonths years, I hadnt read anything serious. Except long-form pieces on blogs and websites. Its so good to hold a book and carry it around. Like a companion. In fact, last evening I walked around with just a book. Just like the old times when I was far younger and far more hopeful about life and world and all that.
So that.
I think this is it. Oh, I did make some progress on various projects – Syndicate, SoG Grant, the Aram Nagar documentary. On the documentary specifically, let’s see if we can shoot some this weekend. I think it’s time to make a page about it on the website! No?
And, here’s the streaks…
Morning Pages – 103
#aPicADay – 83
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 14 . Lot of tea though, which I am assuming is better. I have to order something at Starbucks.
#noCoke – 14
10 mins of meditation – 0
#book2 – 0. I still haven’t been able to wake up at 5.
How these morning pages have sort of become a blog of sorts. And no, I am not complaining. Rather, grateful.
Read on.
7:04. Andheri. 8:39. Starbucks.
Even though I decide each day that I will work from home and not go to Starbucks, like an addict, I automatically move towards it. And this move is not a simple jab in the arm that gives me the hit. But requires me to wake up early, shit, shower, wear socially acceptable clothes, take a rick and then walk into one! I don’t think I’ve made this much effort for a date in a while. I don’t think I will make it either. Unless it’s Priyanka Chopra. Oh, forbidden fruit! Oh, things out of reach!
So, last night, I slept at 10ish (I think so), to be able to wake up at 5. And I did wake up at 5:15 types, only to go back to sleep. Lol. I will try again today. Let’s see. The intent is to wake up at 5, work on #book2 (lol) for a couple of hours and then get on with the day. Lol, wishful thinking. I am in that mood today, you know, where I want to, well, mock everyone. Starting with me. I wish I could be like this every day. Must investigate what has happened that I am becoming this!
Lemme list things that I did yesterday and see if I can see any patterns.
Ate one meal. I mean, I ate twice but in the 4-hour window. So that’s technically OMAD. Ordered from Bikaji and had chana masala. I love Indian, spicy food.
Had a few meetings and I was questioned in some. And in others, I questioned others. In toto, I would have spent about 6 hours in meetings (and thus, no productive work happened).
Made some progress with the Aram Nagar documentary with Mudit. Spent time walking around Aram Nagar. Connected with some people that can connect us with some people that may know more about Aram Nagar.
Played a LOT of chess. And lost a LOT of games. Lol. I need to quit it.
Did NOT spend as much time on Instagram. And did NOT stalk those #instacrushes.
Wrote an investment thesis (in the morning) for the Angelist Syndicate that I want to create with a few friends. Very early days right now. Let’s see how it goes.
Stayed away from the negativity imposed by constant comparisons with people that are more fortunate. Reminded myself what Dr. Peterson says – you don’t need to compare yourself to others but to what you were a year ago. I really think I have stagnated in the past year but my personal trajectory would be more or less upward.
Slept for 7 hours. Like a log. Did see some dreams but I can’t recall those.
I cant spot any. Can you? Let’s see how I am doing tomorrow.
Also, I realize that these morning pages are becoming more of a personal blog. Which is ok. The idea is to get in some words out every day. For a couple of reasons.
A, Keeps the writing muscle going.
B, Allows me to pour my heart out to someone, something (in absence of that significant other). I think if there’s one thing I can recommend to people, it would be that they need to write. In public.
Bonus C. It allows me to be more accountable to myself. As I know that what I write is on public platforms and anyone can look at what I am thinking and saying and call bullshit.
So that.
Ok, I don’t know what else to write. The track of the day is this. Saw this for the first time on the Instagram feed of an #instaCrush and while I’ve moved on from her, the track has been added to the list of my favorite ones. There’s another track am thinking of right now is Bocelli crooning Can’t Help Falling In Love.
I think that’s about it. Time to get on with the day and seize the fucking day. Oh, here’s the streaks
Morning Pages – 102. Now its a game on when I drop this 😀
#aPicADay – 82. Aim to do about 100. And then 365. Even on 9/22. Let’s see.
I just woke up and my eyes are groggy and all that. Nothing new with that. What is new is that I am not sure what to write. A lot has been happening with me and there is this general sense of overwhelm that’s shrouded me. Things both at work and personal level. Things at heart and head level. I dont even know how to report those here.
Anyhow. Moving on. Monday is here. That means the world is back to action. And that means I need to be back in action as well. And that means I will have a busy sort of a day. And that’s a good thing. I am thinking I will try and fast today and if I am busy, I can often forget about food and all. So that.
In other news, I made the first draft of SoG Grant live. Here. Read it if you want to and lemme know what you think. I will formalise it over the next few days and then roll out. This is one of those ways to pay it forward.
I dont have anything else to write or report. The head’s way too blank. Maybe I will write more tomorrow.
And, here’s the streaks.
Morning Pages – 101. I made a mistake in count. This is the 101th post for Morning Pages.
A longish rant on things that are fucking with my head. You may want to skip. You’ve been warned.
8:21. Starbucks, Versova.
This will be a rant. I guess a long one at that. Let’s see when I get around to writing it. The next engagement is at 1030 so I have plenty of time. Please bear. Skip if you have to. Shit’s happening around me and I need to talk to someone and there’s no one but this blog. Of course no specifics here. Will talk in as broad strokes as I can. I am listening to this on loop as I write this.
Lemme start with a simple metaphor that someone once told me (I think it was Hemant). He said think of a giant, spacious room bang in the middle of the city, next to a busy road. The room has floor-to-ceiling windows that give you an expansive view of the world outside. You can open those windows in the mornings to let the sunlight and the fresh morning air come in and make the place a pleasant one. But, if you forget to close those windows during the day, the freshness and the morning cheer will get replaced by the incessant honking of the traffic, dust, and grime from the world out there and may be some stench, some stink from the world beyond your house. Would you as a logical person, not close these windows when it starts getting noisy?
That!
I need to start closing the windows to my life and brain. Lemme elaborate. Thing is, I think of so many ideas, things, businesses, impact areas, and whatnot that are so forward-looking that it takes forever for those to reach a conclusion. Like it would happen with almost anything, with time, some most of those fall along the way (plenty of reasons – I am unable to keep up, the people I work with realizing that I am not the best partner, the timing is not right, I lose steam, I find a shinier object, shit happens, etc etc.). As a result, I often fail to close those loops. And thus, the metaphorical windows to my brain are left often. And instead of helping my brain get fresh air, I am left with the noise and dust. The windows need closing!
You know, I have often thought about myself being that person that had immense potential to do things that could change the world but I feel that I am not living upto that with what I do. I merely hop from one thing to another and along the way I leave behind unfinished projects, half-baked ideas and unfulfilled promises to the world, friends, connections and myself. When I die (which I hope is not before I am 120), I would probably look like that sculptor that has a million unfinished pieces in his repertoire, each with a potential of becoming a David. It would be such a crime that I would waste all the potential. Assuming I have the potential.
I mean I can focus on one thing, one statue that goes onto outshine David and others of the ilk but my magic, my method, the madness comes from trying new things, new experiences, talking to new people, seeding new ideas, seeing new possibilities, and well, chasing the new shiny toy. Lol, the number of times I used “new” in that sentence has to be a world record of sorts.
So, I dont want to stop creating new things, opening new doors. After all, each thing I have in life is a result of all the million shots that I take without any purpose or anything. So that’s not stopping.
What I will do is try and close each loop window that I open in a predictable amount of time. Or once I reach some sort of conclusion. Or when I know the time has come to move on (which is tough to know to be honest). But I will close for sure. I think I have written about this earlier as well on one of the SoGs (I think). Let’s see if I find a link when I come around to editing this. Can’t find.
Also, while I will close all the new loops, new projects, new ideas and all that going forward, I know I cant roll back time to undo all that I should’ve done. I’ll see which ones I can. Even if they aren’t that many.
This is also a good time to tell myself to revisit Dr. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, a book that has been like a ‘bible of life’ of sorts for me. The funny thing is that a lot of intelligent, aware, educated people don’t agree with him. But to me, he makes immense sense and everytime I read it, I take away a life lesson from it.
The antidote to the shit in head, I think the rule that is most pertinent is about setting my own house in order before I try and change the world.
I mean I do want to change the world and each thing I do is from that lens but since I am unable to close the ideas, the loops and other things, I am unable to make even an iota of dent.
I think this is about it. No, I am not any lighter since I started writing this. But I do know that I have vented out and I can move onto the next things. Like Dr. Peterson says in Rule 6, I need to take responsibility for the misery that has been inflicted upon me by my actions / inactions. Here on, I shall take responsibility and put the house in order. I have to play a role in helping the world become better.
Ok enough. Time to get on with the day. Here’s streaks.
Morning Pages – 99
#aPicADay – 80
10K steps a day – 1. The monthly average is 9K steps. I’ll see if I can take this up to 10K by the time month ends.
OMAD – 0 (stress ate ice-cream late night). Trying to fast today. Though I am tempted to stuff myself with food.
A shortPost on how I spent yesterday and what I plan to do today.
8:52. I just woke up. I slept early but slept for long. Which is ok.
So the highlight has to be that I successfully did a 48-hour fast. It was surprisingly easy. To a point that I think I can do it often. In March, I’ve tried this multiple times and I have failed every time, except this one. In fact, I want to try and move to that 6 meals a week kind of diet where I eat once a day and then keep a 48-hour fast. Let’s see how it goes. The critical thing would be to not eat today till about 2 PM when I will have the meal of the day and then not eat anything till 2 tomorrow. Why 2? I saw an Instagram post by Dave Asprey where he says that’s apparently the human gut is designed to work the best at 2 PM. Let’s see how that affects me.
Ok. Moving to the next things.
For a change, I want to take a break and not do any actual work. Lol. Arti would be so so happy reading this!
I have a few options.
a, I can either spend the day reviewing various things / projects that I am working on and the next steps that I need to take on those. I typically do this once every month towards the end and for some reason, I feel like doing this today.
b, I can just sit and read. Since I need to take a break from actual work, I can do this. On reading, I am back to physical books. I recently bought two – Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Yourself and Morgal Housel’s Psychology of Money. Both are in the self-help category and I think that’s what I need right now. Let’s see if I can finish reading those today (at the speed at which I read, I think I can). Let’s see how this goes.
c, I can go for a super-long walk. You know a 20K-step walk and plugin to some podcast or something. In the past, I have wanted to walk all the way from Andheri to Siddhi Vinayak. I think I did manage it once (see next para). Though I can’t recall with surety. May be I will do it again today.
I don’t know which one would I choose. But I do know that I will go to Starbucks in a bit and get done with a work call that ends at 12. See I can never not work 😀
Wait. Here’s a thing. I just realized that I suck at remembering these teeny weeny things. Which is ok. I just need to ensure that I note those things. For example, thanks to my Roam, I discovered that I walked on the 24th of Sep 2020. And I have also listed things that I thought of when I walked. Wow! I am impressed in myself ;P
Ok. Enough. The words are clearly not coming out. Time to take a break, shower, and go to Starbucks.
Quick and yet longish post. Mostly in response to a longish phone call with a friend about morning pages.
6:48 I woke up a minute ago. And I slept at like 3 AM. For some reason, I was not sleepy at all last night. For a large part, I couldn’t figure out why. And then it dawned onto me that I had an iced tea at around 9. And since I have been away from coffee for all these days, maybe this tea played havoc with my schedule? Maybe. Maybe not.
So, morning pages. Quite a few things to write and talk about. Lest I forget, here’s what I want to talk about. Screen Time. COVID. Chat with PM. Book2.
Let’s go.
Screen Time. Yesterday I met someone for a walk and while talking about things, I realized that I have been spending an insane amount of time on my computer and my phone. Here’s a screenshot.
And this is down 24% from last week! I have to have to reduce this. A deeper analysis revealed that I am spending a lot of time on Chess, Twitter, and Instagram. I will probably uninstall these. I mean I anyway don’t have time and I definitely don’t want to “invest” that time on these non-value-add things. I mean they do add value. But at this stage, I have other things to work on.
So that.
Next up is COVID. The number of new cases in Mumbai is touching 3000. I am alarmed, scared, and confused. I don’t know if this is a second wave or not but now I do know that I will also get it one of these days. There are so many people that I know that got COVID in the last few days. And each of these people has been super super careful. To a point that some weren’t even stepping out. I just hope that I don’t get it. Not because I am worried that something weird would happen to me. But because I meet a million people and I don’t want to be the one spreading. I mean I will definitely be the superspreader!
This one is important. I had a longish chat with PM about various things. We talked about my first ever video on Youtube, Founder Thesis Podcast, Investor Thesis Podcast, Life, Morning Pages, and a lot more. While the others may not be relevant, lemme talk about our chat about morning pages per se. For context, PM is one of the daily readers of my pages. So what he says carries a lot of weight. He said, and I agree with each thing he said, that…
a, the morning pages have started to get boring. Agree.
b, these pages seem to paint a picture of a person that is not happy with his life (he did not use the word unhappy but he implied that). PM, correct me if I am wrong.
c, I need to stop with the streak. It adds no value to the reader.
d, I need to restart work on #book2. 😀
e, I can write things that are a lot more value-adding. For example, I am working on a podcast where I want to chat with investors. PM mentioned that I could write about that and showcase my thinking on that.
Lemme try and address each. No, I don’t mean to give explanations or defend anything but lemme think out loud about each thing he mentioned.
Boring – agree. Even as a writer, I feel that my pages are getting repetitive. A simple explanation is that on a day-to-day basis, very few things change. So I don’t know what to report per se. Assuming that morning pages are supposed to be a journal. I think the original intent with which Julia created the idea of morning pages was to merely exercise your writing muscle and not create something new each day. I am not sure. I will get back to the book and figure it out. The other dimension is that I don’t really write these for anyone to consume. I mean I do post these on a public forum but these are not supposed to, lest you get feedback. That is exactly what’s happening right now. Friends are well-meaning creatures and they want you to do well and they give you feedback (negative or positive) and you shift behavior! That is what morning pages is not supposed to be. So, that.
One of his suggestions was to write more on book2 and less on journal per se. I agree. But the way I can dump my thoughs, I may not be able to write new things. But I will try. Not today. My first meeting is at 8 and then I have back to back things.
Unhappy person. This is important. Till a few years ago, I was the kinds who could find a problem with even Maryada Purushotam, Bhagwan Shree Raam. I mean his character is fairly problematic if you were to look at him objectively. The point is that I would find problems and then crib about those all the time. Most people that would interact with me would be able to see that. I was shrouded in negativity. Not negativity per se but critical. I hope you get the drift.
Once I realised that I was cribbing, ranting all the time, I worked very hard to change my personality. I became a people pleaser, I stopped voicing my opinions that could be critical, I avoided confrontations, I ceded control, I stopped questioning things that were wrong, I got aware of what I put out on public platforms. And eventually with time, started getting lot more equanimous with things. If someone did something that I did not approve of, rather than passing my opinion, I would zoom out and try to look at things from that person’s perspective. And that in itself would solve half the things. I think I have become a lot better and I want to remain that.
So there is no way I want the morning pages to postulate that I am a negative person that only rants and cribs and is struggling with things. I could write a lot more about things that I could consider happy but I think writing allows me to think better and I often need to think about things that I need to change. And these are often the things that are broken. And may be this is why the pages come across as unhappy rants. I will see if I want to change the tone or fix. Let’s see.
Next. Streaks. Well, here it is. Totally ignoring PM’s opinion.
Morning Pages – 97
#aPicADay – 78
10K steps a day – 2. I actually did 19K steps!
OMAD – 1. Yay! In fact, the last meal was around 11 PM on 17th! If I can manage today, I would have done a 48-hour fast!
#noCoffee – 9
#noCoke – 9
10 mins of meditation – 0
#book2 – 0
Thing is, if I publish things on a public medium, I feel a tad more compelled to stick to it.
#book2. I don’t know when I’d be able to start on this. But I do know and do realize that I need to get started. I have realized that I crave for nothing but respect (not fame; respect) and I can not command respect. I need to earn it. And you earn it by the virtue of your actions. And your output. And not just thoughts. The world values outputs. Not ideas. So I need to move my ass.
Value-Adding Things. I agree on this one. I can ensure that each post adds value to the reader. But then, do I need to worry about the reader with the morning pages? I am not sure. This is my space and these are my reflections and ideas and thoughts. Like I said, the reason I make these public is because I like the idea of public accountability. I do want to write things that move the mountains. But I think that’s not what the morning pages is for.
So yeah. That’s it for the day. See you tomorrow.
Over and out.
@PM, do read and lemme know what you think. I think I am better when it comes to communicating with the written word and please please please don’t hold feedback and inputs. I value each piece of input that you’ve shared with me.
The morning pages has evolved into a friend of sorts where I go and rant and cry and wail about things that I cant talk to anyone else about. Here’s one such post.
6:38 AM
For all the ‘living in public’ that I want to do, there’s something that I want to talk to someone about and I don’t know who to. And it involves someone else and without putting names or context, it would be of no use. So, at some point of time in life, I want to be able to write about it in public. But as of today, it will go on my echoChamber. It is big enough that it’s making me rethink my entire way of working / living / thinking / doing. Anyhow. Later.
Next. The folks at Producerland announced their lineup of people that they have selected. I saw their profiles and I am slightly disappointed with it. Of course, one large reason is that I did not get through, but the other big one is that a lot of those people are from established production companies in India. I don’t think those people need networking. They are anyway in the market with access to capital, ideas, and talent. It is people like me that need it. Oh, Debasmita, the writer and producer at Bin Bulaaye made it. So that is nice. I don’t work with her anymore but she is exactly the kind that will benefit from this. Super ideas, talented at multiple things, great human being, interested in telling stories that have legs beyond song and dance.
Oh, while writing this, an epiphany happened. I use this blog as a friend. In the sense, I talk about things that I don’t know who else to talk about. Most of my friends do not understand the world I operate in. My family has no clue what I do. My Board of Directors often does not get context. The significant other is almost non-existent. And in absence of all these, I think it is this blog that gives me some sort of grounding. I can blurt out what’s on my head. I get the load out of the way and I can do more things. In fact, each morning, I look up to waking up and writing on morning pages. I often make notes while I sleep, about things that I would write the next day. And then I write! And then I feel so light that I could fly away ;P Ok. Enough.
So, food. Remember how I spoke about my izzat being at stake yesterday? I said…
I have to have to HAVE TO avoid hospitals at all costs. I need to get going. So, here’s the thing. I will gun for a 2-days fast. And then I will go on for as long as I can. Really. This time I will do it. Izzat ki baat hai. I will eventually add some sort of workout to my regimen. But I need to get the hernia operated on before that. Maybe I will start with dance or yoga?
I ate breakfast, a lunch, an evening snack, an ice-cream around dinner, and then a dinner! There is no way I am going to lose weight :(. The saving grace is that I did walk some 14K steps. And that too purposefully. Phew!
The excuse I gave myself is that I had a COVID scare and I need to eat and get nutrition but now the test has come out and it tells me that I am negative. So that’s ok. And yeah, the test is as uncomfortable as you imagine it to be. I hate hospitals!
Wait. I will try again today. I will try and not eat. Let’s see how it goes. I just need to get started.
I think this is about it. No. Wait. Another thing. Yesterday I learned the importance of money. Or the lack of it.
While I was fuming and I did not have anyone to talk about it, I took to Twitter and posted a rant about how I am gareeb and all that. The trigger was that that there are way too many things I want to do and none of them will probably make money and thus I will have to keep pouring money into those things and that means I will need to have infinite money. Right now, I am very far from it. And there’s no way I can seem to find a solution to my money woes. I mean I have some work on my plate these days and if this continues, I will be ok. But the large, infinite source of capital that I may need is still missing 🙁
While I was wailing in misery, Ajeet Sir had an interesting perspective on my quandary. Here…
Now, this is super duper interesting. Multiple reasons. A, he validated that I have the ability! Yay! External validation #ftw! B, he slapped me on the face that I dont put in the effort. I dont know how to put efforts. I need to get out of the current financial mess that I have got myself into and along the way find an answer to this. I think I need to relook at how I operate in life. I think I am ok with taking risks. The thing that I suck at is ability to convert those risks into actionable, tangible steps that take me closer to where I want to be. I need some sort of a coach or something. Damn…
Anyhow, I am done with the pages. Feel a little relieved that what I was earlier. Let’s see how today is. So that. And to end the post, here’s the streaks…
A report on how I spent yesterday. No forward-looking statements in this one, except my attempt at fasting for at least 48 hours.
7:16
I just woke up. Still tired. Groggy. Listening to Jagjit Singh talking about Teri Khushboo wale khat.
I got my COVID test yesterday. It was painful, at least for me. I am told that it’s not really bad and I can see why it’s not bad. But to be honest but then my pain tolerance is pathetic. More than physical pain, my tolerance for any other kind of pain is even lesser. Like I was at the emergency ward at Kokilaben when I took the test (yeah, the swabs for COVID tests are collected at the emergency ward) and I saw various emergency cases being rolled into the hospital. There was an elderly woman who wasn’t breathing. A young girl had fractured her legs. A patient was being moved from emergency to general ward.
And since the test is done by the doctors in the emergency, I had to wait for about an hour. Which is understandable. And then the test was done. And it was painful af, like I told you guys already. And no, this test was not required. I am not at risk but I still wanted to rule out any possibility. So that.
But when I was filling the form at the hospital, they asked me to fill in the names of two people that they could inform in case of emergency. This is when you realize who really matters for you. You know, who you want around you when you are probably facing a life and death situation. And truth be told, I could think of just one name and I put that one name. I mean I wanted to put my sister’s name but she’s like a million miles away and there’s no way she can be bothered in case of emergency.
So that. The other highlight of the day has to be all the food that I ate. You know, like a regular human being, I had breakfast, lunch, evening snack, dinner, and few in-betweens. I think the reason I feel groggy this morning is probably because I ate all those carbs and processed things shit. I have to have to HAVE TO avoid hospitals at all costs. I need to get going. So, here’s the thing. I will gun for a 2-days fast. And then I will go on for as long as I can. Really. This time I will do it. Izzat ki baat hai. I will eventually add some sort of workout to my regimen. But I need to get the hernia operated on before that. Maybe I will start with dance or yoga?
The other thing I want to talk about is my inability to afford a better house. I’ve been meaning to shift from the current house and get to one that is a little more spacious. And I want to live in a newish building. But then aukaat tells me that I cant. I also have to get it off my head that I actually saw some houses with a broker. I almost finalized a house that was as plush as houses get in Mumbai and at least as spacious as I wanted. I made an offer that the landlord accepted. I had almost given the token to block it. But at the last minute, I pulled back. I had to apologize to the broker and the new landlord and the universe. I felt really bad and it was one of those tough decisions that I’ve had to make.
If I zoom back and look at it from up top, I think my decision-making muscle was fucked. I should have considered the costs upfront. And then never got into a hunt. Then, while I looked for a place, I should’ve done the maths and not went to houses that I couldn’t afford. Then, even when I looked at places, I shouldn’t have made an offer. I should’ve thought about it. And once I made the offer, I shouldn’t have cancelled. Zubaan ki damn keemat, bro! Anyhow. So that.
Work seems to be picking up on all the projects that I am on. This means I will have some more money to play with. And cause movements with. Yay! I just need to figure out how these continue to grow and accrue.
So that. And to end the post, here’s the streaks…
Morning Pages – 95
#aPicADay – 76
10K steps a day – 0 (couldn’t manage 10K)
OMAD – 0 (ate a million meals)
#noCoffee – 7
#noCoke – 7
10 mins of meditation – 0
#book2 – 0
With this, its over and out. See you guys tomorrow.
