241021 – Morning Pages

Quick, short update about things at the top of my head.

10:19. Woke up a few minutes ago. Ya, I know it’s late. But then I slept late. And I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now. So there.

Anyhow. I dont have a lot of time today. Need to get going with the day. I am anyway running late. Here is the morning pages.

So, the thing at the top of my mind is the love for airports. I was at one yesterday. It was amazing to see so many genuine and authentic hugs at one place. I realised what human emotions could be. Although I am not sure why I dont see this genuineness at bus-stands, railway stations and other transit places. Any clues why?

The other thing that is worth cataloging on the morning pages is the fact that I am growing old. I mean I have said this a lot of time that I am old and all that. But yesterday I realised that age is catching up faster than what I had imagined. I had to stay up to finish something but I was unable to. I had I don’t know how much coke, coffee, water and all that and yet I could not stay up. Plus I am eating like a mad man. So may be that’s affecting me.

Anyhow. That’s about it. Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|. While I have a lot on my mind, I am surprisingly calm. I need more of this!.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1. Better than yesterday for sure. Need to make this better.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. The fact that I am rushed and yet I have the time to write something on these morning pages.
  4. Things that would make my today greatJust one thing.
    1. I am gonna meet people from Team SG. So looking forward to it.
    2. There is no urgent meetings that I need to be at. So that’s great. I can plan my life and things 🙂
  5. A daily affirmation.
    I will be able to finish all the work that has been open for the last few days.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I met my sis after almost 2 years. She’s here and while I havent spent time with her yet, I am hoping to. And while I do that, I need to find a lot of answers as a family when I do that. So that.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I could go home with my sis, it would have been amazing.
    2. The hotel I slept at last night was not the greatest. I need to find a better one for tonight.
  8. Quote for the day
    This one’s from Shawshank Redemption. It goes, “Some birds are just not meant to be caged.” Also see the video in case you havent. And in case you haven’t seen the film, you MUST. 

This is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 0. Had a few. Regular ones. Not Diet. Damn!
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had a LOT!
  • #aPicADay – 15. Yesterday’s here. It’s a shot of a Diet Coke. Partially because I couldnt click anything. Partially because I loved it!
  • Daily Journal – 17
  • Money spent – 3710
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 17
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 17

231021 – Morning Pages

A longish post about random things, thoughts and ideas that I had yesterday. And some plans for the day.

6:35. Just woke up. Slept really late. The last few days have been a blur. I am not sure when a day would start. And when that day would end. While I enjoy such a life, the rewards that I seek for such a life are not really there. If I could fix the reward bit, I would be a changed man. Right now I am groggy. I am literally yawning like no one’s business. And there are so many sore spots on the body. No, it was not a restful sleep.

So, the morning pages. I have some lingering thoughts about a dream. In the dream, I am on top of some hoverboard or something and that’s going so damn high that I can see the entire world. The hoverboard is tethered to an aircraft. Along with me, on his own hoverboard is VG. And while he’s there, he’s on the phone. Where else.

I think this is after a while that I have remembered a dream. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad.

Yesterday was otherwise ok. Did some work. Avoided some work. Got some praises. Got some brickbats. Made a few tough phone calls (have even tougher calls to make today). Had decided that I would fast. Could fast till about 4. And then ate so much that an average human being would eat in like a week! Had infinite cups of coffee. That is probably acting up and making me feel so blah about myself.

But hey, here’s the thing. I’ve been at this and the email to Team SG since 6:35. It’s 7:15. The last 45 minutes have actually made me happy, cheerful, and all that. Just because I am typing and letting things that are clouding my head on a computer. And sharing with a few people that I genuinely care for. And want to be cared by.

And while I am doing that, I am sipping onto the water. I’ve had almost one liter of water. Will have another liter. Oh, lemme talk of another thing that may construe as TMI. I am done with an electric toothbrush. For the last two days, I have been using a good old hotel toothbrush. The kinds that you dispose of away after you are done. I have been giving my teeth a vigorous rub down. And while I am not sure if it cleans anything but I love the experience. Something that I did not get with an electric one. So that was the big reveal of the day 😀

In other things, I have to write about the filmy day I had yesterday. Made me realize how important films are as medium and how much I long to be a part of the business.

So three things happened.

A. I saw the second trailer of King Richard (2021). The first one is here and the new one here.

And I realized how powerful stories could be. I mean just the trailer moved me the first time I saw it. And now, with the second one, I know that I relate to that father to a T. The film, the story made the life purpose clear to me. I made me realize that I want to be King Richard! You know, the kinds that help create a Serena and a Venus! And more. I really want to be the shoulder to multiple giants. All those random acts of kindness that I engage in, all the artists that I try and support, the Team SG itself is an attempt in that direction. Let’s see if I can do it.

You may want to see this thread on Twitter.

B. While looking for a reference for work, I happened to look at the trailer of Love Actually and I realized I want to make a film like that. Where simple stories of love are brought to life. Of course, there is Modern Love and all that. But Love Actually is a brilliant example of hyperlink cinema and I think it is among the greatest films ever. I’d love to make a film like Love Actually.

Here’s a random trivia. Love Actually is by Richard Curtis. Who also wrote Notting Hill. And I quoted Richard Curtis in a line in the acknowledgments section of #tnks.

Here’s an idea. What if I make a film about love? Maybe about a person trying to find love? I remember I was at DocEdge a few months ago a lady was filming her experiences of how she’s going about finding love. It was a non-fiction documentary and I think there is merit in doing something similar. But then, do I want to copy? Nah. Let’s see what cut can I identify.

C. One of the crew members on Bil Bulaaye reminded me that around this time in 2019, my first short film was released at MAMI. It was among the highlights of 2019. It allowed me to amplify what I do with films. Of course, I have a very little hand to play in its success (or not such a large success), but it is my first. And it’s special.

And here’s a bonus 4th. I read about the story of Rockstar (2011) and I loved it. WHAT AN INTENSE STORY! Of course, the word is on the street that it’s a shitty film but I loved the story. Must must must get in the business of stories, Mr. Garg. #note2self.

So yeah!

Guess this is about it. Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|. I woke up groggy and sad and miffed. But as I wrote the morning pages and daily mail to Team SG, I am little more cheerful.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 0. Super duper distracted.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I have found a set of people (Team SG) that I can rant to. While there is no commercial transaction per se for being that, I love that I have a few people that I can be myself with.
  4. Things that would make my today greatJust one thing.
    1. If I can salvage a tough client situation that I am in, it would be great. In fact that would make this entire week, entire month great.
  5. A daily affirmation.
    My happiness and sadness is controlled by no one but me. I need to become un-fuck-withable.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I had decided that I woudl fast. I could control myself till about 4. It was amazing. Need to try and see if I can try to not eat till 4 today as well.
    2. I gave gyaan about EBC to a senior from MDI (Visham). I loved it! That was great.
    3. I loved that there was a car at my call to drop me to the hotel. I realized that I love having such conveniences.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. Work. I am missing deadlines on various projects. I need to find a way to not do that. I know I am juggling multiple things. But there has to be a way to manage things better. Maybe not sleep enough. Maybe start the day early. I dont know. I need to find a solution. The life I have chosen will make me chase every opportunty I get. Maybe there is an answer somewhere?
    2. If I could speak to AS, it would have been great. She and I have been trying to talk for almost a week now.
  8. Quote for the day
    You are what you do. Not what you say you’ll do. This is very very important to me. I am often on the side of merely saying. I need to tick over to the do part.

This is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 0. Had one. Regular. Not Diet. Killing myself softly 😀
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 15. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 16
  • Money spent – 2512. Thankfully I am spending less!
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 16
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 16

221021 – Morning Pages

I talk about how my dreams of a nation are getting shattered! And more.

8:54. Some hotel in Gurgoan. Before you ask, no I am not sick or tired of sleeping on a different bed each night. I actually like it. Let’s see how many days this continues.

Ok morning pages. I have to start by “declaring” that today I am fasting. Come what may. And I will not even have coffee. Or Coke. Only water. And chewing gum. I dont feel good. There’s way too much kachra that I have been feeding myself. I mean there’s nothing that comes close to eating the perfect Chole Bhature in Delhi and the after-taste is great and you feel good. But after a while, all the maida sort of blows up my belly. So, I am done. At least today. Not sure about tomorrow. But today, I am on a fast. If I eat something today, I will donate 5000 to a charity of Krishna’s choice.

With that out of the way, let’s talk the real morning pages.

So, unless you live under the cave, you would know that SRK’s son is in jail. And there was this Fab India ad that created a storm. And yesterday I discovered there was another ad by Ceat that made people mad. And I think I mentioned on morning pages that an email exchange on my alumni group sort of showcased the rift in the society and the angst that is simmering just below the surface.

And, it SUCKS. To a point that I have decided (and it’s a #lifeEvent for me) that I will move on. And I regret that I did not move on earlier. I don’t know what I would do (the skills I have are not really transferable) but I will move on. Even if I have to become a cabbie. I know it’s one life and time doesn’t turn back and I am closer to my death than how many years I have been around. I know my biggest “career” bet (with films with TRS, in terms of efforts, money, emotions) is right here. I know that I wouldn’t be able to start from scratch. But I know that I am out. I will probably plan the move. I mean it may take a few months. Or a few years. Or whatever. But I will move on. Here’s a promise to self. #sgLifeGoal. I will not die in India. Unless I can “affect” how India is.

So that.

Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|. It’s tough being who I am. Conflicted. All over the place. Spread out. Etc etc.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. The fact that I can decide on how to spend my time.
    2. The fact that I can use the gift of the gab decent enough to get things done and create opportunities.
  4. Things that would make my today great. Just one thing.
    1. If I can fast, it would be great. I’ve been up for 40 odd minutes and I’ve just had water. Need to sustain this for another 14 or so hours 😀
  5. A daily affirmation. I can control my urges and wishes. I am the master of my sense. If I decide to stay hungry, I can go for hours. And even days.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I ate Chole Bhature yesterday. Loved the taste. I realised that I am not as taste-dead as I thought I was.
    2. It was amazing to sit by myself in an empty office of a friend and get a few things done.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. Work. Funnily, there is nothing on the top of my mind but work. I would have loved to get more things done than what I got done yesterday.
    2. Food. If I could control the food that I ate, it would be better.
  8. Quote for the day
    Dar ke aage jeet hai! Lol!

Guess this is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 3
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 14. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 15
  • Money spent – 11268
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 15
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 15

211021 – Morning Pages

No morning pages per se. Just the journal. Read if you want to.

9:17. Gurgaon. Was at home in the morning. Came over in the morning. Have too much work. Next two days I need to show myself that how cool I can be.

I dont really have morning pages per se. I mean I dont have the time. But I do have the journal format that I will fill in. The good part of the journal is that it’s akin to the morning pages and that allows me to think about how the day was.

Here we go. Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|. I was mindfucked last night about a few things. But then I am ok now. This travel within Delhi is being a bitch. While I enjoy meeting people this travel is a problem.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 2. Did 10 minutes meditation yesterday. Havent got the time to do it today. Let’s see if I can manage 10 minutes during the day.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I am grateful that I have access to enough and more work for the next few days.
    2. I am grateful that I have someone like Krishna that is invested in my success. He took time out to talk to someone else. Just to help me succeed.
  4. Things that would make my today great
    1. I need to tick more than 50% of things from my todo list.
    2. I need to not eat anything for the rest of the day. I will try to have a lot of black coffee and some chewing gum. Let’s see.
  5. A daily affirmation. I will be be able to manage my time and deliver on all the projects that are open.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I met a friend yesterday for coffee and it was amazing to be honest and upfront about life and all that. Even though I am not close with her, she is the best-est friend of another great friend. And thus I could be candid.
    2. I went back home and met my parents after 3-4 days
    3. Spoke to Vanita after a few days. That was amazing!
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I could have stayed back in Gurgaon, it would have been better.
    2. If I could stick to OMAD, it would have been amazing. I tried to. But once I went home, I had to eat what my mom had prepared.
  8. Quote for the day
    “Invest in yourself. It will pay you back with interest.”

Guess this is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 2. Avoided it yet again.
  • #noCoffee – 0.
  • #aPicADay – 13. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 14
  • Money spent – 12413.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 14
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 14

201021 – Morning Pages

A short note on how the day was and what’s on the top of my head. Not a lot apart from work.

7:19. Yet another hotel room. Loving this life where I work for a large part of the day. And then I drag the small suitcase to the hotel that I want to. And while I do that, I catch up with a friend. And then I sleep. And then I wake up and get writing these morning pages. I could get used to a life like this. In fact, this entire movement around and not having a stable place to be at is giving me the feels! Yeah, man. The feels!

Ok. In terms of yesterday. Work and all. Thoughts and all. Life and all.

So the second day of the workshop went ok. It wasn’t as good as the first one. But went ok. I can improve on a few things. Let’s see how the next one is. One thing is for sure. I need to talk more about this to people. I mean I think I do a good job and this deserves to reach more people. Need to make it more popular and known. #note2self #sgTodo

The other things that I was supposed to, I did work on a lot but I could not find to close all of those. I’d say I could’ve done more. Let’s see when I get to a day when I have done enough to be able to have a big smile on my face when I am writing these morning pages.

Today I have a lot on my plate. Let’s see what I deliver on it. It’s 7:40 right now and once it’s about 9, I will have to literally dive into work! And I have a few lot of things that are open ever since I’ve come back from the base camp. Including a travelogue that I want to write about the basecamp trek!

In things that I want to capture is the intolerance and the worst and the best that religious conversations bring out. Yesterday, on the alumni group of my business school, the alumni committee wishes everyone on the occasion of Eid. Someone responded and asked why did they skip wishing on other festivals. It was not long before it took a communal angle. And then from there it just went downhill. People that have gone to a premier business school engaged in heated exchanges, name-calling, questioning, and dunno what else. And this is a group of highly educated, reasonably smart people that are probably more aware than an average joe.

I dont know what has happened to the country that I’ve grown in. I dont know what to do about it. Can’t blame others. Can’t find the problem. Can’t fix it. DAMN!

Anyhow. This is about the morning pages. Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :). I feel good. Even though I did not sleep ok, I am at a desk, staring into the sun, appreciating it as it comes up and fills me with life. No photo can do justice to how it is.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I am grateful that I have this sun coming up as I am writing this. I am so so so content in this moment. I have no worries and even though things I am working on need urgent attention, I am not anxious.
    2. I am grateful that I love water so much. I have had 2 litres since I woke up.
    3. I am grateul that I am able to plan a large part of my day.
  4. Things that would make my today great
    1. I would love if I can deliver on open projects. If not all, some.
    2. I would be great if I could actually go back home. Only to meet my parents. And nothing else.
    3. Like yesterday, If I can skip coke, it would be great. In fact, I would love it if I could do OMAD.
  5. A daily affirmation. I look great and I have this brilliant sense of clothing and dressing.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I could yet again make things happen for people around me. This time I did not create opportunties per se but helped people close on projects that they needed help with.
    2. I had a tough conversation with someone else about things that needed to be done. I am typically the kinds to avoid tough conversations. But I managed one. I should lean more into such tougher chats more often. #note2self
    3. Got CM to agree to spending sometime everyday on helping me with where I want to be in life. I have tried to have multiple people like that but none seems to be panning out. Let’s see if CM sticks. Wish me luck.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I could deliver on more things at work, I would have liked it. I had decided that I would not sleep last night till I finish various projects. But I could not. The day would’ve been better if I could.
    2. If I could have got about 10 minutes of meditation in, it would have been better. I would try to get it in today. Right after shower. Let’s see.
    3. Again, if I could skip coffee, it would have been amazing. To be honest, I would not be able to do it today either. But I can definitely skip Coke. And gun for OMAD.
  8. Quote for the day
    “Discipline not desire, determines destiny.” – Anon. Thanks to Harshit for sending me this. Must say that he sends me a quote everyday and I read those and they are really unlifting. He’s been doing it for 1069 days as we speak. I am amazed as his consistency!

Guess this is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 1. Avoided it. I almost had one. But then skipped.
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had quite a few. Let’s see if I can quit today on.
  • #aPicADay – 12. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 13
  • Money spent – 19501. Again, random expense. From today on, need to get these in order.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 13
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 13