A dump of things that I spent a lot of time mulling over yesterday. I think this is what Living in Public really is!
8:28. Starbucks. Friday the 13th. I just hope this day goes ok! You know, superstition and all that.
So here are the things at the top of my head. In no order…
A. Walked 10K after ages. Even ran a bit. Not ran. Hobbled. For about 300 meters. And then panted like a cow in Delhi’s garmi. Did half-pushups. Just need to get consistent with it. Lol. This consistency is my Achilles Heel. I am great at doing great things in spurts. But I suck when it comes to doing things for long, I suck. #sgQuirks. So, need to fix this.
After the walk, I was missing Diet Coke so much that I decided that I will break the 150-day streak and have one. And I even made my mind to get a frozen one, pour in a glass and savor the taste.
And then I did not. Yay! #win
Here’s a promise. If I reach the Base Camp in one piece, I would get a Diet Coke for myself. So let’s see.
B. Away from Bom. It is starting to hit home that I will be away from Mumbai for some 2-3 months. I was away last year as well when I lived in Goa but I still had a house and my things were here. This time, I am moving lock, stock, and barrel. In the sense, I am putting my things in a godown and letting go of the house I have here. So, come to think of it, it’s like letting go of the city that I have come to love. For the freedom, access, opportunities, friends, love-interests, hopes, miracles, tears, sea, misal-pao, and more that Mumbai gave me.
No, I am not going away for good. I have to make it in the films business. And startups. And teaching. Lol. A million things yet again. Mumbai is where I would be.
Or maybe not. I mean if I get away from Mumbai, I would either be in Goa. Or out of India. Goa is more of a state of mind where things are slow and all that. But come to think of it, the only one thing that is keeping me back here is M. She may move on as well in the next few months. Post that, who cares where I am.
Wait. Isn’t life like that? You plan plan plan plan and more plan. For the future. And then it creeps up on you so slow that one fine day, you realize you are 38 and you are still planning for the future. What future? At 38, people retire!
C. Applied to a few jobs (I dont know why) last night on Linkedin. In exactly the same heart-less, mind-less manner that I approach my attempts to find a relationship on dating apps.
I mean I like the idea of a gig that gives me a lot of money. I like the idea of being in a relationship that gives me joy. Not that I am dying hungry. Not that I am joyless.
Thing is, I know I want to do better than where I am. I know I need to get more stable. I know I need a companion. I know I need more than what I have. And yet, all I do is heartless, half-baked attempts at fixing things.
I dont know a way out. But that.
D. Writing. I did not write on book2. Neither on SoG Book. Damn.
If I have decided that writing is going to be my thing, I must push myself. I must wake up each day with the intent of pushing my craft! For without that, I dont know why I exist.
E. Self-respect. Yesterday, I got into this weird conversation with someone I care for. Even though I know that my attempts at patching things will not lead to fruition, I still tried. And as a result, I was left with heartburn.
Not cool at all. I must work to get my self-respect quotient high. I shouldn’t do these stupid things. And these have been happening with increasing frequency. Need to fix it.
Will work on this over the next few days. Need to become more stoic.
So that. Living in Public! A list of things on the top of my head. A lot to fix. May be over the next few days.
Here’s streaks as I start the day.
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday as well. Missed for 2 days in a row.
#noCoke – 155
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 1. Finally got 10K steps in. After 2 weeks.
If you read this beyond the evident layer, you would see that I am literally screaming for help. Or am I?
6:20. Woke a few minutes ago.
Little mindfucked about how things are at my end. Both at work front. And on the personal front. Sadly I can’t talk about either on this post. I know I want to live in public and be open and honest about things but most of my misery and mind-fuckery has been caused by others. Or, should I say, my expectations from others?
That’s something I can fix. What I expect from others. And how I react to things when what I expect does not come my way. A large part of what Aurelius taught was this. You know, you suffer more in imagination than in reality. I am otherwise amazing. I am a man of free will (well, almost). I have enough food on my plate. I can afford expensive coffee on a daily basis. And yet I am miserable. So, I think I need to work on making my inner game strong.
I know. Easier said than done. I dont even know what to do to get stronger. Any clues anyone? Wait. No one’s reading these. I am by myself. So what clues. Sigh.
Ok. Changing tracks.
I used to write these letters to people where I would share things I’ve learned from others. You know, SoG Letters. Here’s a complete list. Yesterday someone replied to one of the letters from two years ago. In that email, she packed in so much advice and inputs in that email that I ended up doing 10 half-pushups (with my knees on the floor). If I can do 40 more during the day, I would’ve probably ganga-nahaoed. Ok. Wait. Lemme do 10 more. Done. I am a bit woozy. But done! Yay! 20 half-pushups! I just need to do this every day. Maybe I will stack it as a habit. Every time I publish this post, I will do 10. Lol! Who’d say I am 38! Anyhow. So, thanks to this email, I have decided that I will compile some of those letters in the book. I have tried multiple times in the past and have failed. I must compile these letters into SoG Book. Come what may! #toDo
Maybe instead of working on book2, I could work on SoG book every day in the morning for the next 30 odd days? At least I can make it publishing-ready? Hmmm. Interesting thought. Lemme think about this while in the shower. Sounds like a good idea. At least I would ship something. Book2 is anyway delayed by like 7 years. I dont think anyone is missing it. #toThink
Ok. I am back after a break. Showered and all that. At a Starbucks. Still on the fence about what I want to do (Book2 or SoG Book) till I go away from the grid. I mean I will be with a few other people but I would not be reachable apart from those people. I will work on SoG Book from 8:30 on. Let’s see if I am fully engaged with it.
Wrote for 30 minutes. Most of what I wrote today does not make sense. But I still had to write these pages. Streaks, you know.
7:17. Woke up about 20 minutes ago. Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Woke up three times to get water, when it got too hot, and one time for no reason. This is the second or third day on the trot when I haven’t been able to sleep well. Is it the coffee? Or some other stress? Or maybe I am not working out walking and thus I am not tired enough?
I’d try to reflect on this and see where this ends.
Apart from this, the mind’s blank. I mean there’s a lot happening at work. To a point that I have literally no time to think of anything else. And on top, I’ve added #book2. I’ve even tried to hire someone to be an assistant for the book. Let’s see if that works out. Matlab it’s on. Full power. Maybe I am too occupied to think these?
Ok, wait. Lemme use bullet points to talk about things am thinking about. A free stream of thoughts. Some of these could be rants. So please excuse.
Need to shift out things from this house in this week. So I need to call Paras to help me. Yeah, I need someone to help me with things. I am otherwise unable to do things.
Because I am so deeply engaged with a project, I have not been able to give time to other projects that are dear to me. It’s like choosing one child over others. There’s way too much load at work. I need to find a solution. I can be assertive and put on paper that I dont have the time to deliver. Or I can continue to let this run for another month or so. Post that I am anyway on a break and thus will get a reprive. But then the respite will be from this one project. All others would still remain pending. Dunno what to do. Either I compartmentalise my life. Or I let go of a few. Let go, I cant. I need the money. And I need to support the others. Compartmentalise, I can try. Let’s see.
Since I changed the website structure, the only person that reads this blog has been having a hard time reading. I need to find a solution. I am told its merely about refreshing the cache. But why should I be the one refreshing it?
I need to buy a new chappal. I got one from Bata. It’s heavy and uncomfortable. Maybe this is why I am not walking as much? I want to buy something light, something that doesnt fuck my feet as I try and walk 20K steps in a day. One option is to buy some expensive chappal. The other is to start wearing shoes on a day to day basis. But then, I hate shoes. Maybe I will buy some expensive brand, hoping that the research and design team at the expensive brand would’ve thought about comfort, ergonimics etc. Which one do you prefer?
The question like the one I asked above, normally, I would goto twitter and insta and I would use the hive mind of the Internet to give me the answers. While I did not get answers a lot, I would still get some. Since I am away from these SM platforms, I am sort of missing out on these answers. I thought about it. The trade-off works ok for me, to be honest. I mean I may not get the answers but I am not wasting time (which, increasingly I dont have time). I just need to figure out things when I do come back on twitter and instagram. The social networks clearly add value – you get to meet more people, you get a word out, a large community sort of helps you out. And so on and so forth. So that.
I need to make my writing better. In the sense that even though I have been writing for more than 17 years now, none of my pieces has gone viral. No, I dont chase virality per se. But I know that my words need to go beyond where they are right now. The reach is what will help me do more in life. And if I cant leverage my writing to take me to more places, I dont even know why am I writing. I mean I am writing to remain sane in this wierd world but there has to be more. No?
Ok. Time to get working on book2. But I am glad that I got a few words in. Here’s the streaks.
Quick rant before I start the day. Nothing special in here. You may skip reading this.
7:27. Woke a few minutes ago. Feel ok. Void of any inspiration though. I dont know what’s wrong. The joie de vivre is gone. I am merely going through the motions per se. I hope it comes back at some point. Thing is, some days I am freakishly productive. And then somedays I am so so so inept that it’s a task to even get out of the bed. Today I guess it is more of the inept kind of day. Hope it picks up during the day. Oh, must mention that I have started to track things with Nomie. I am not regular but I like to log things in there.
Lemme talk more about how I spend my day. The best part of my day is when I am out of the house I live in. There’s only one place that I can go to that doesn’t make it weird. Starbucks. These are the times when I wish I had memberships to these fancy clubs where I could go and be myself. But then, money. Sigh. So back to the track. I hate it at this house. I am good when I am at a Starbucks. But then it’s a coffee shop. I can spend 3-4 hours tops there. To a point that I start feeling weird myself after about an hour or so. And then I am compelled to get out. And since the offices are still shut, I dont know what to do. In the sense, the only thing I can do is come back to the house. And the moment I enter, the energy levels droop so low that I dont know what to do about it. I literally sleep, procrastinate, get into this negative spiral that doesn’t have a bottom. The place where you live has such a large effect on your well-being. It’s not funny. And now that I am better informed, once I need to find a house for myself, I will ensure that I spend all the time thinking about it.
Ok. Done with the rant.
In the good things yesterday, I wrote for a bit on book2. It was the highlight of the otherwise drab day. And I loved it. I loved how I could create images in my head and all that. It was tough, to be honest, but I enjoyed the grind. The effort to think was taxing. And refreshing at the same time. I have to find a way to make a living with this! I plan to do the same today. From 8ish till about 10. Even though I dont write a lot of words per se but I like how a world gets created in my head. And then, of course, the effort to chart that world on paper.
And yeah, I am so looking forward to it. You know, going to a Starbucks and writing. In fact, the one I go to opens at 8. If I had my way, I would be at a Starbucks as soon as I wake up. And work for 4 hours or so and then do nothing (and do things like going for walks, working out, meeting people etc). Lol, wishful thinking.
Actually no. At some point, I will reach that point. I dont know when. I just hope it’s soon. I mean I am almost 40. And to date, I think about the future as if I am going to live forever. Right now, am half past my useful age and I dont know when that time would come when I would not work for money. Pretty somber. Damn.
Ok. I think I need to move on with things. Here’s streaks.
Quick note before I dive head-on into a long day ahead.
6:41. Woke up a few minutes ago. Today’s gonna be a long long day. To a point that I dont have a single minute to spare till about 6 PM. It’s one of those when everything seems to have come together to pack the calendar so chock-a-block that I can’t even die!
So, my mind’s blank. Lemme talk of inane things.
It’s raining right now. It hasn’t rained in a few days. I just love it when it rains. I am not sure what about it though. I know things go wet. You catch a cold. The nose gets choked. The clothes dont dry and they start to stink. And yet I love it! Given an option, I would live at a place where it rains all the time. Lol. As they say, what you wish for.
Ok. I know what to talk about. Yesterday, yet another filmmaker rejected #tnks. He’s not the first and I know he’s not the last. I will keep trying. I know the film may not do well – there are way too many layers and the story is way too simple. But at some point in time, I shall get it made. Let’s see when. #lifeGoal, you know!
That reminds me, I have to start work on #book2 today. My millionth attempt. A lot of things have come together to make this happen. Lemme talk about those.
I need to have an incredible success to open doors for me. I need it. I want it. I deserve it. There is no other thing that I have in my hand that I control by myself that could get successful.
Logistically, the slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is vacant. So I need to fill that in.
I have a lot pent up inside me. I use this blog for venting a few feelings / thoughts. But I need to channelise my energy. So I shall.
Honestly, I dont even know where I am in the story. I mean I recall the broad plot that it’s a treasure hunt based in Goa that spans three timelines and there’s 9 characters inspired by Navrasas and by Mahabharata. I know I am trying a lot. I know I dont even have a story per se. But whatever it is. Will write. I will get a few words in every day. Build it up. And see where I land. The world celebrates and rewards success and output more than anything else. So need to do that.
My only worry is that I may fall off once I hit a wall. And then once I am incommunicado for 15 days in September. I am thinking, I will make a board of directors, etc that will help me stay on track (I will send them updates about the book every day). If you want to encourage me to write this book, lemme know. I will add you to a list of people that I use as beta readers as I write the book. Send me a message here.
In other news, at a whim, yesterday I decided that I will work out of Kathmandu for a few days in October. SG2 thinks that it may not be a good place to live (she says there’s too much pollution, too much traffic, a lot of disorganized mess et al). Let’s see what my research uncovers. Will start planning and figuring it out over the next few days. And if Kathmandu is not happening, I will for sure try to work from someplace apart from Delhi (even though I would love the Delhi mausam in October and beyond – you know, nip in the air and all that?).
Thing is, I am probably trying to run away. I think I have the inability to face my demons and every time I hit a crisis, I need a change in scenery. From moving out of the house (to a coffee shop), to hitting the road (at every opportunity I get), I like the idea of remaining on the move all the time. I think I am suited for becoming a long-haul trucker! In fact, may be this move away from Mumbai is a move in that direction? I am suffering clearly and there is no end in sight. Maybe this move will help me? Let’s see.
And here’s streaks…
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 151
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Both Americanos.
I talk about being Indian, Neeraj Chopra’s Gold Medal, Speaking Well, Dr. Peterson and more. And some shower-thoughts and wants!
6:34. Long day ahead. Lots of work. That’s what happens when I take a break for a day or so. But then I cant complain about how I spent yesterday. It was a good day, to be honest. I met M and it is fascinating to see her grow and discover and fight for and find her place in the world. I wish I had more understanding when it comes to kids and all that. And I wish I would assert more on how kids that matter to me are brought up. Wishful thinking.
Anyhow. I just wish I had the money and time and lack of ambition to live a day yesterday often. I mean a day spent with leisure and all that. More on #echochamber.
I woke up a few minutes ago. Two things that I am thinking about are, 1, Neeraj Chopra’s Gold medal at Olympics 2020. And 2, this video by Dr. Peterson as soon as I woke up. In this, he talks about how misery could be a source of your inspiration. Lemme talk about these two.
I saw the Tiranga getting raised to the top and then the national anthem being played at Tokyo. It was a heartening sight. Made me think about how things and time change. And how I have changed with time. There was a time when I was as staunch and as hardened Indian as they come. I believed in our supremacy. I was blinded to the mistakes we made as a country and as a society. I would dismiss the apparent flaws in our culture. I would love the “chalta hai” way to respond to things. I would take wows to make us proud and reclaim the lost glory we’d grown up reading about. You know, before the time invaders starting plundering our “great” nation.
But then, over the last few years, something changed me. May be I became more aware. May be I got more “educated”. Maybe society became more extremist, more hardened. May be, I saw how other cultures and societies are “better”.
Somewhere, I lost the fanaticism I had for India. Of course, I remain proud and grateful that I am an Indian. I know I can’t change that about myself. But I do now think and wish and hope and pray that I could live in a different country and a different place. There are multiple reasons for this. For starters, the very meaning of freedom / independence and being an Indian is lost. We are now a country of people blinded by religious dogma and blind extremism around religion. We are now a country where we celebrate the failure of others rather than the success of self. We want to become Atam Nirbhar in conduct and yet turn a blind eye to this conduct when faced with adversity. The right to speech is being taken away. The ability to do things is being made more and more difficult by the day. We are now deeply engaged in plastering everything we have with a photo of a man in a white beard and not concerned that the history books are re-written and laws of the land are being crafted that would put even the cavemen to recede deeper into the folds of the mountains. Even the athletes that are winning the medals are being ignored and the entire nation is captivated by the one phone call congratulating these athletes and their coaches.
Anyhow. I can rant for hours if I have to but I am not as well educated or informed. I am sure there are people that will justify the actions of people. After all, we know how to defend ourselves.
In this one, he says, resentment could be a great teacher. I think everything I feel that life’s being unfair and I am getting a raw hand in relationships or work and things, I would do 10 push-ups. Simple. I would make my resentment a road to fitness if nothing else. And then from there on, I will do whatever it takes to sort things.
I want to talk more about this resentment as fuel for life but not today. Need to start work. I do have to talk about something worth noting though. The ability to speak well. Dr. Peterson speaks so so well. It’s not funny how many times I let my rational / thinking mind ignore what he’s saying just because he speaks so well!
Staying this ability to speak well, yesterday I got talking about some of the best orators of Hindi as a language. Ashutosh Rana (this and this) comes to mind. Then VG told me about Kumar Vishwas (this). Rahat Indori Saab (I dont even know how many to link here) has been among the best orators ever. Even this from one of those nationalistic films is a great case of someone inducing goosebumps only via the power of words.
I really wish I could speak as well as these people.
I think I can decode these. There are two things at play here.
A, the content. I mean, these are great words, great poetry that is being narrated. The words themselves are goosebumps-inducing. The stories are inspirations.
And B, as important, the way they’ve been narrated. The passion, the pauses, the clarity of tone, the breathing, the speed, and all that. Ufff!
I need to get better at it. Point me to some source. PLEASE!
So yeah. That.
Lemme end today’s post with something that I have been thinking about, over the last few days. I even wrote about it on the 4th. The book I have been editing is done. And the time slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is now available. Should I just assume that it’s a sign (great proses, Dr. Peterson, my misery, my want for validation, my poverty et al) and create something for myself? I mean I am definitely not a one-hit-wonder and it’s high time I get going and work on something for myself. A book, a film, a large-ish project (like a Jigsaw Puzzle, a magnum opus or something). #note2self. Lemme try and start from tomorrow, even if I am supposed to take a break for a few days in Sep.
Let’s see. What. When. If.
That’s it for the day. Here’s the streaks.
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 150
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Tall. Americanos.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 250 + 250 + 1500 + 257 (2257)
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 240
PS: I speculated that yesterday that ink in my system has run dry. But then I got back to writing these today, I realized I can rant a lot. Yay!
PPS: #showerThoughts. Had this really cool thought while showering today. Lemme give context. While brushing my teeth, I realized that I have these huge bags underneath my eyes. And this is probably because of the last two-three days of lack of sleep. Which is probably induced by too much coffee. So, what if I go to my local Starbucks and talk to the store manager and ask him that I am gonna sit there for 4 hours each day and NOT buy a coffee. Of course, I dont want to be a freeloader and thus I am happy to buy their merch / food. Or even donate. But I dont want to consume. Would they then allow me to sit at Starbucks and work? Let’s see. Will try on Monday.
Struggled to write even 500 words! Minds gone blank 🙁
8:03. Living like a thug for the last few days. No work. No workout. No control over what I am eating. I even saw three films in the last 2 days. The Jackal, Nobody, and The 2nd. I am living like the ones with a comfortable salary. You know, working for large companies that allow for leisure and other such pursuits. And no, this is not cool. Need a whack in the back of the head. Come on, Mr. Garg.
Ok. I dont know what to talk about.
It’s 8 and I am blank. I can’t talk about yesterday. It was fairly pathetic. In the sense, lot of work, lot of food, lot of carbs, lot of procrastination, lot of longing, lot of lazing around, lot of unbecoming me. Sigh!
Today I plan to not use the laptop after these morning pages. I have somewhere to be. And I will be occupied till late night with it. So no work shall happen today. Will have to hustle up tomorrow. At the airport Starbucks. Lol, Mr. Garg.
I think I need some divine intervention or something. Too many days of too much chilling and all that. Guess I need to see more of Dr. Peterson!
Ok. I sincerely dont know what to write. Guess the ink has run dry? Or maybe it is the aftereffect of lazing for too long? Or maybe because I knew I was going to be chilling, I did not? Should I quit writing these?
Wait. This is all of 270 words. Lemme talk more.
So since I’ve woken up, I have done the following…
Had Maggi for breakfast. Hell yeah!
Helped a friend craft her CV.
Wrote an email that needs to be sent to a client’s clients.
Wrote a prompt for PPP. It is, “You and your partner land in a foreign land for your annual holiday. You are looking forward to a relaxed time where you are away from all the hustle and bustle. But as soon as you land, the cops come over. And…”.
Wow. A lot.
Ok. I am still at 400 odd words. Will not let the torture continue. Will take a break. Back tomorrow.
A list of things on the top of my head. This includes money, twitter, movement, Dr. Peterson and more.
6:42. Just woke up.
Less than a month to go when I leave this house. Couldn’t be happier. I just hope the next one I get to is better than this one. I think the way to make it better would be to find a house in a new building, on a higher floor with little furniture in it. Let’s see when I do that. Not till Diwali for sure. But whevever I do, these variables have to be kept in consideration as primary. And then secondary ones will include things like access to a Starbucks, commercial / cultural hubs, promixmity to whoever is the friend at that time. Etc. etc.
Chalo, lets start the day. And with things that I am thinking about.
Lemme start with the thing from the top of my head. Money. Mine. And others. Others that work with me.
Thing with money is, it enables you to do more. It makes you free. It gives you access to things that you did not have otherwise access to. It helps you push things and go into unchartered places. It helps you grow. It gives you confidence to do more things. It is the thing that moves you. Plus, the world also works in a funny way. It rewards people that alreday have the money! I mean it’s the rich that can create opportunties and make more money along the way. Of course a few poor ones make money as well but those are that. Few. Few and far between. Generally it’s the rich. Money gets you more money.
Ok. I am getting into a rant. Lemme track back. And talk about the money for others that I work with.
So, I am directly responsible for a team of almost 13 people. Indirectly many more. But these 13 people, I am their primary source of revenue. Each month, on the month end, I am thinking about how would I pay these people on time. Somehow it works out!
And no, I dont pay them a lot of money but I do pay them as much as I can. I know that it’s not enough. Not even enough for them to buy a coffee at Starbucks on a daily basis (what I do!). And I want to change this. I want to be in a utopian world where everyone has the money they need to live life the way they want to. You know, not worried about meeting the basics.
Thing is, I want to pay my people enough so that they can live happily and engaged and all that. I am lucky that most people I work with understand where I come from, see that I am doing the best I can and thus they support me. I am sure they feel the lack of money (I feel!) but they dont complain.
The thing is, this house of cards hangs precariously on my ability to get work. Last year, during the pandemic, the house literally crumbled and if not for a few friends that extended loan and gave me work, I would probably be forced to let go of people. That time’s passe.
Now that I have some work on my plate, I need to find opportunities to grow, make more and then make some more. And of course use whatever I make to support my people. Again in the best way possible.
Thing is, money is never enough. It’s like playing a game. You know, you reach a certain level. And then you want to move up to the more difficult and advanced ones. Similarly, you reach a certain stage in life and you want more from there on. And money fuels this never-ending ride that keeps going to the moon and beyond. And I dont want to be that rich dad that just keeps giving without a concern for how that is being spent. So, I have to be this judicious old man that can predict how much a certain person with their personalty and lifestyle needs. And wants. And then, I want to give them more than their needs. And yet, not feed their wants.
The other thing is that most people I work with are in this (with me) because they see me as someone who’s got his heart at the right place. So that’s a good thing. Plus, most of these are in it for their respective passions (and not just to have that “work-life” balance thing going for them). And I anyway want to run my team, my setup as an entrepreneurial one where each person owns the thing they work on. Even if there is no money to be made per se. They must own a piece of thing they work on. I want to show them the “the vast and endless sea” and make them “to yearn” for that.
Ok. Moving on.
B. Dr. Peterson
I am back to seeing Jordan Peterson’s videos. There’s this pattern that I’ve spotted. Everytime I am little fucked about things, work or otherwise, YT throws either Peterson or Seneca at me. Really. So I dont know how the algorithm knows how I am feeling but it does!
So, Dr. Peterson is controversial but his takes are fascinating and I think I like what he says. I am still not deep into what he says and I only see edited, highlights version of what he preaches but I can relate to a lot that he says. From male dominance to power to relationships to individuality and more. I wish I could attend some sort of a long-form course where he talks about life and philosophy and all that. I saw these videos over yesterday…
Fuck, the range of people that I am influenced by is so wide. Steve Jobs, Dandapani, Jordon Peterson!
Anyhow. Moving on. To movement.
In other news, I was talking to someone yesterday and I realised that I am a doer and a lazy bum at the same time.
Doer – I like to make things move. You know, cause movement.
Lazy – I dont want to do things myself. I’d rather put in some people to manage those ideas.
So this combination makes me a weirdo. Need to think more on this as I go along. Could be important. #note2self
D. No Twitter
So, I havent been on twitter for some 10-12 days now.
I do check it but I dont post it. I dont engage with people. I dont expect replies. I dont mindlessly scroll what people are posting. I dont bookmark threads hoping to never revisit / read those.
This staying off has been good. And bad. Lemme try to tabulate things.
Bad. Twitter was like my mouth piece. My echochamber. I would let a lot of unfiltered thoughts move onto paper in shape of tweets. And then basis of feedback (if any) I get from my followers, I would shape my thoughts and opinions. Now that I dont have Twitter to post emo-tweets and all that, I am thinking about things all the time. I am unable to get negative thoughts out of my mind. And thus I am regurgitating those all the time. You know, from concisous to the back of my head to back to the front again. And it’s not cool. I think I am losing my stoicism! Lol! ;P
Often these thoughts / ideas are temporary flares. You know, a car cuts your rick the wrong way? You want to rant about it quick. You do that on twitter and you move on. So those times, I think twitter served well.
Other times, the thoughts are tad deeper. For example, I am clearly suffering on the relationship front. I have no one to talk to. Twitter was my only solace. So, in past when I suffered, I would put something on twitter to cope up with what’s hurting me. More often than not, this act of writing a tweet and posting was similar to talking to a confidante. I would thus be over whatever was hurting me. So that helped. Muck was out of me. I was ok.
Of course, this temporal messages phenomenon is not good. You dont really go deep. You dont delve and mull over things. Worse. If I dont delve, I merely scratch the surface and I dont go deeper. At the level where I need to solve it. So, I need to fix this. If I am suffering, I need to layer down to the very bottom and try and find an answer to that. And then solve it. Even if, I need to move on, like Dr. Peterson says.
Bad. I no longer have access to a hive brain that can throw back ideas, links, suggestions, connections etc to me. Not cool at all. This probably is the single-largest thing I miss about not being able to post on twitter.
Good. My screen time is drastically lower. Probably at the lowest point in life right now. So that’s great! Need to find a way to keep the screentime low for when I come back on twitter.
So yeah. This is about it. Ya, a lot on my mind! And, here’s streaks…
A shortish post where I thought I would unravel the folds of my heart and talk about things. But I couldn’t! As they say, it’s a sign!
8:36. Starbucks. I got up late today. Which is ok. At times it’s cool.
However, the last few days, I have consistently not been able to work on the EBC things. No walks. No Surya Namaskars. No workouts. Nothing. Damn! The funny thing is that I am not working as much. I mean I am optimizing my time better, to be honest. And thus I am getting done a lot.
Lemme rant for a bit. I am in that mood, you know.
About things that I typically do not talk about. Anyhow, I have decided to live in public and today could be a good time to start.
So things on the personal front (relationships and friends) haven’t been great lately. The family department is doing ok, thankfully. So, relationships. Even though I am 38, I dont understand how to run these. I understand few things. The vocabulary I use is even more limited. I like the idea of giving space to people. I like to not impose myself, even at places where I must try and assert my presence. As a result, I often find myself standing in a corner, staring at a wall.
I’ve been trying to write this since 8:30. It’s almost 10. And I am hardly done with one para. No, not because I dont have enough to write. But because I keep getting interrupted by unplanned and inexplicable calls from people that I can’t hang up on. You know, Akshay, Paras, etc.
So maybe it’s a sign to not let the guard down on these things as yet. So, I shall refrain.
However, this means that this would become one of the shortest posts I’ve ever made on morning pages since I started writing last year (some 230 days ago. 237, if my calculation is right). In fact, lemme talk about this. I am surprised at myself that I have been able to write and publish every day since I started. This is now probably the longest streak on anything in life. I’ve been regular and it’s awesome. Of course, I haven’t been able to build an audience per se but I am sure this mad streak with writing every day is helping in some way or the other. I mean I am not sure. I am merely speculating. Let’s see.
Chalo that’s about this, I guess. Will be back tomorrow with more.
And since I dont want to publish less than 500 words, must mention this – I love empty Starbucks. You know, at 8 in the morning. It has yellow diffused lights, plush (and yet minimalistic) furniture, muted music (that is so indiscernible that you know something is playing but you can’t pinpoint what it is), and literally no one else. You are literally the king of the world Starbucks!
This is it. 500+ words. Including the ones captured with streaks.
There’s nothing specific that I’ve on my head today. So a list of random notes / things / ideas etc.
5:50. I had a sleepless night. I mean I was in bed by 1030 I think but I kept waking up. I dont know why but I did not sleep ok. It has to be coffee. I had a strong one yesterday. Even though I ate like a hog after that and had a lot of water, the residue was still in my system, I am guessing. Anyhow. I am up. Yawning like a baby. Lots to be done today. Let’s see how it goes.
Yesterday was ok. I did some work. I talked to some people. Troubleshooted a few things. Moved along. However, I did not do my 10K steps. I ate kachra. And I have anyway stopped working out. I am not even making pretenses that I will try and do anything. The only thing I am doing is regular walking. And trying to get enough sleep. Yesterday I didn’t do these two either.
So if I am serious about EBC and Everest eventually, I need to get my act together. And come to think of it, I had made a promise to myself that fitness will become my number 1 priority. Even if work suffers. I think what’s happening is that I am allowing work to suffer, and yet I am not doing anything for fitness. Must mend my ways.
Oh, I need to buy a new chappal. The one I bought from Bata is very very uncomfortable. In the sense that it’s heavy. It’s a good thing, to be honest – it is probably helping me prepare for trekking shoes that I will have to wear for 15 days. But on a day-to-day basis, walking around in bad chappals is probably gonna hurt me more. So need to buy some flip-flops.
Moving from the feet to the head. I have this void in my head. About not working on a book. I mean the book (biography) I am helping edit / write / research is sort of done. It’s with the publishers now and unless they come back with a lot of changes, my job there is done. I miss not working on it. I miss not thinking about it. I miss the narrative structures that I would draw. You know, putting a thought in a manner that it’s comprehensive and easy to consume. That. Maybe this is the right time to pick up the second book? Lemme try once I reach Starbucks.
Ok. What else is at the top of my head? I have spilled enough ink about how I am moving out of this house end of August. Oh yeah. The next short film that I am co-producing with Shikha and RCF is going on the floor soon. As early as the end of August. Yay!
Also, on the film, I am gonna make sure that I am the film photographer. I’ve been wanting to experiment with it and this is the opportunity that I have sort of created for myself. If I can make a mark, it will be a classic case of creating luck. In fact, I think I like this idea of playing with things and scratching my itch even if I have to put in my own money. I mean why else do I make money? To try new things. To spend on things that I like. To do things that others won’t allow me to. So that’s cool. And I must mention that all I am doing here is helping Shikha who’s the real reason why this film is happening. She (and a few others) are my Venue and Serena! Lol! Self-gloating max.
Ok. What else?
Guess rest is the regular humdrum of life. More tomorrow. Here’s streaks.