030821 – Morning Pages

A longish post on the darkness in my head and the light shown by the story of Richard Williams.

5:41. Woke up a few minutes ago.
Saw Whatsapp first thing in the morning.
Saw a video by Vijay Yadav. This one.

Then I saw Nobody’s trailer on AnSr’s recommendation. Here…

Almost cummed in my shorts. I mean the team from John Wick + Saul (aka Bob) + Music + Visual Delight. Wow.

Also, this is the second film since yesterday that I have been tripping over. The first one is King Richard sent by VG.

This film is based on the life of Richard Williams (better known as Venus and Serena’s father). King Richard touched me like no other film has, in the recent past. I mean it talks about an ambitious man that wants to see success through the success of his daughters. Will come back to this film in a bit. Lemme park it here. Point A.

So, I feel human after two days.

Human as in, physically, there are no lingering pains anywhere in the body. I feel refreshed, energized, and all that. It was probably aided by the fact that I have been resting last two days. I had slept at 10:30. So good 7 hours of sleep. Or maybe because I did not eat crap yesterday. Whatever worked yesterday, I hope it works today as well.

In contrast to this feeling of greatness in the morning, yesterday was bad. So bad that it was probably the darkest of the last few days. It may sound like hyperbole but I could only survive because of two things – 1, Naval. 2, my ambition. Will come back to this in a bit. Parked point B.

So, for some reason (money situation primarily), I spent all of yesterday questioning my life choices. I mean where I am is an outcome of the choices I’ve made and the way I’ve acted on those choices. Clearly, I did not do a good job at either (choices and actions). If things were bad just at work / career front, I would still be ok. But things have been pathetic at other ends also. Lemme share a chart that I maintain on my vision board. I don’t think I’ve ever made this public. But here it is. As of today morning.

A screengrab from my Vision Board

I don’t know where I found this chart from but I think it’s a great way to evaluate and measure where life is. And you can then reflect on what needs fixing. On my chart, I can see that I am failing at all 8 important things in life. The only saving grace is my family (and even on that, I choose to live away from my parents).

Of course, like any other thinking, feeling, evaluating individual, I want to fix these. And these dark days are occurring frequently and like Steve would say, if things arent good for a few days on the trot, maybe it’s the time to change those. Let’s see what I change. And how. And when.

Lemme talk about King Richard.

Coming to Parked Thing A, King Richard.

Here. See this. In case you haven’t.

I could relate so much to King Richard. I had tears flowing when I saw the trailer. I bet the film will win all the awards there are! I wager that it would get at least 10 Oscars.

It is after all a story of one man’s fight against odds, the chase of impossible, trust, faith, patience, hard work, grit and more. Oh, and of ambition.

For all the use of the word ambition in my head, thoughts, and actions, I am as big a failure as they come. To a point that it hurts. And it’s suffocating.

The days when I am not busy with the general humdrum of life, you know, the days when you can take a pause and think? Those days I spiral so bad into the literal abyss that I take literally a week to get out of. I must admit that the days I go AWOL on friends and family, I am not physically unwell. Rather I am suffering from dark thoughts about where I want to in life and how far away from that I am. In terms of money wealth, impact, reach, work, fame, notoriety, even fitness. And the worse is that from where I stand, I don’t see things improving at all.

As I age, these bouts of dark days are happening with more frequency (I know I’ve said this already) and it takes longer to get out of those. The escape mechanism I had of taking a car and hitting the road is no longer a viable option. The other escaping method was to eat like a mad man, switch off the phone, and sleep. Even that doesn’t help anymore.

This is where I lean on what I learned from Naval. Will come to it in a bit. I want to stay with King Richard right now.

So, the other thing that I picked from King Richard is the reinforcement of the belief that I will probably not be a massive success as an individual. Rather I may be cut for being that person in the shadows, the one that works with these superstars and shapes them. You know, someone that sees their success come to life via others. In Richard’s case, it was his daughters. In my case, I am not sure. I mean I do have a few young ones that I am investing into. But I am still far from seeing them reach anywhere. I just hope that I don’t end up like Vikramaditya in Sur. Anyhow. Who cares.

I like the idea of enabling others. I just hope I am able to contribute to their lives and make superstars and massive successes off them.

The other thing that I want to talk about, from King Richard, is this entire thing about giving a hard time to the ones that are working for you. Remember Whiplash? I mean the entire premise is this hard-love for talented apprentices. Of course, I remain conflicted about what I take away from that. On one side, I like the idea of hard work, determination, sacrifice to achieve what you potentially can. And on the other, I know that mental health issues are real, especially with the dopamine-laced brains of kids around us. After I saw King Richard, I think I am leaning towards being a tough mentor. But then, to be one, do I have what a Richard had? Or Fletcher?

I dont know. Time shall tell.

Parked Thing B. Lessons from Naval Ravikant.

Lemme talk about Naval and Ambition.

So I read this tweet from Naval that said something like this – you can’t control your thoughts but you can observe them and choose to react to those.

Yesterday was one such day. When I was mindfucked. Probably because I was unwell and there were other things playing on my head. So I went walking. I walked real slow. I did like 5K steps in 2 hours. And while I walked I did not have a companion with me. You know, things like phone calls, music, videos, chess and more. I did not even pause to take photos that I’ve been trying to last few days. I merely watched my thoughts. And I tried not to react to the non-stop dark thoughts about my inability to do things. Or my inability to hold onto friends / relationships etc. I merely observed the thoughts as they came and went. It was tough considering I had to observe traffic in / around Lokhandwala as well. Lol. Bad timing.

So I while I was observing my thoughts, my head kept swirling back to the definition of success that I want to live my life with. You know, the outcome of ambition. It dawned on me that I believe success is the long-forgotten Kabir Das ka doha. It goes…

Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye

Kabir the poet

Further, here are the things that I thought would look like success.

Mastery over time. When I can be the master of my time with 100% certainty. Right now, I am at about 5% in terms of how I plan my life and time. Long way to go.

Financial Freedom. When I no longer work for money. And I can choose to work on things that I want to, even if I am not rewarded for those things. Right now, I am in debt. So far far away from financial freedom.

Plus, I do not have those ambitions where I want to reduce consumption, etc. I really want a lavish life with all comforts and all that. I want to be able to buy anything from anywhere without thinking about the cost / price.

Giant with a shoulder. When I can support others around me with whatever they need / want. And then I want to help others in whatever way I can!

That’s it. Three things.
Wow, that simple!

Funnily, as I think and write about this, family (my family, not my parents) doesn’t feature in this. Maybe I will change with time. And my personal goals of Everest, Marathon, etc do not fit in here as well. Hmm. Funny.

So yeah.

This is about it from the walk yesterday. A lot of this was probably triggered by King Richard. And by the general failure that I’ve been. Films do have power like no other. Must must must fastrack the non-existent films career. Come on, Universe!

I guess this is about it for the day. Realized, I’ve been writing for almost 2 hours now! Oh, and here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 145
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 232. Adding this from today on.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 235

[RANT] 020821 – Morning Pages

A ranty post on the first-world problems that I am afflicted with.

5:20. Woke up a few minutes ago. Yesterday I slept at some 8:30 or something. I wasn’t feeling too well. I was on a podcast and then on a call and I could barely keep my eyes open. People on the other side could see that I was unwell. Through a Zoom window. Sigh. I think I was probably gassed, bloated, sleep-deprived, and tired.

So, what happened was this – a friend and I decided that we would go for a long walk on Sunday. For that, I had to be out of my house at 6. And that meant I had to wake up at 5. And that meant I had to sleep by 10. But I slept at 1 or something. I had some work to be done. So I was sleep-deprived. Plus right after the not-so-strenuous walk, I ate from Pancham Puri (the best damn place to eat kachra that gives pleasure to your senses). The very mention of it is making me salivate! The food we ate was so well “oiled” that I could see a thick layer of oil floating over the gravy. And then I ate some more crap from random places. And as a result, I was full. And despite that, I kept loading myself with chocolates and water and I dont know what all. And thus I was pukish. And it showed. Not just to me. But to others.

In fact, this seems to be a trend. Since I started walking. Once I am done with my walks, I sort of eat far more than what I am supposed to. And as a result, these walks are probably doing more harm than good. So, need to control these. And fix things. From today on, come hell or high water, if I can’t eat food made at a home, I will not eat. Enough of ordering from out.

I also need to stop ignoring that all this walking around is probably taking its toll on me. You know, it’s making me tired and sore (without any massage or stretching) and I need to let the body recover. Starting with sleep. Need to stop compromising on it.

So that.

In other news, the joy from life seems to have disappeared. You know, there’s not Joie de Vivre! I am not even playing chess, the thing that I had found comfort in after I realized I am friendless and loveless. In fact, I was talking to AnPa on Saturday and I realized that life seems to be going ok but there aren’t any large exciting things happening that I could live on top of. You know, there’s no dopamine hit. There’s no hedonistic treadmill that am riding on. I mean there’s nothing wrong with life per se. There’s some money coming on. Most things I work on are what I like. Side projects are going well. The friends and family column needs a little nudge but that’s ok. Or maybe that’s what I need to work on? Let’s see.

Moving on.

There’s less than 45 days to go for EBC. I am still not working out. Neither am I getting any breathing exercises done. Must start with Surya Namaskar and Push-Ups. Thing is, I am most productive in the morning, and if feel as if I have wasted my time and all that. I dont know the fix for this 🙁

Ok. Enough of rants. Lemme talk of other things that are, well, not rants.

Over the weekend, while I couldn’t do a lot of work, I did record a couple of podcasts. Each of those taught me so much and allowed me to learn so much. I am wondering why I dont do more of these. Probably the laziness? I am not sure. Must fix this!

Then, I talked to someone who’s living the life I want to live. You know, works at the intersection of writing, strategy, teaching, travel, and more. He is doing exactly what I want to do with my life. Makes money. Hold intellectually stimulating conversations. Knows people at “higher” places. He even told me about a VERY VERY famous writer on his writing style. He said the writer would spend a year or two researching his next book. And then check into a hotel for a month and crank out the manuscript of 100,000 words. I think that’s fabulous. I must do the same. Take a month out each year and take a break for a month. And come out with a book. The other lesson I took (and got reinforced) from this chat was that the world celebrates success like nothing else. Need to get there.

Then, I gave gyaan to another aspiring entrepreneur about writing and books and all that.

Ok. Enough. It’s 6:29. More than an hour since I started writing. Need to get on with the day. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 144
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 234

PS: Starting today, I will mark all ranty posts as [RANT]. I want to see how much I crib and rant and cry.

010821 – Morning Pages

A quick post about what I did yesterday and what I plan to do about those. More rant than anything else to be honest.

5:24. Woke up a few minutes ago. And I have less than 20 minutes to write today. Need to leave at 6 for a longish walk. I hope to do 20K steps today from 7ish till about 9ish. Let’s see how many I get in.

So let’s dive in. Here’s a quick recap of yesterday. And quick thoughts.

I took a break from walking. I averaged 15K steps this week before yesterday. I was on track to do 110K steps. Now, if I can get to 100K, I would be happy. And I am anyway eating like a mad man. Will stop from tomorrow on. I will also implement a no-call before 2 PM rule from tomorrow. At least I will not allow any calls to be scheduled before 2. The ones that are already on the calendar, I will honor those.

I realized yet again that success gets you friends like nothing else. If you are famous, rich, successful, funny, fit, good-looking, or anything on these lines, you would have FAR more friends than you’d normally have. I think I need to start working on this. I can’t change the way I look or my sense of humor. But I can work on getting rich and famous. So that’s next. After am back from EBC, I will focus on one thing only – getting famous. Come hell or high water.

I was forced to work from where I live in the morning as I had a podcast recording at an awkward time. And while I did that, I ate like crap, I wasted time like I was 19, I slept like I had all the money in the world. After the recording, I went to the Starbucks at the airport, and even though I spent like 3-4 hours there, I could get a lot done. I was in the zone while I was there. I need to find ways to get to a Starbucks or a co-working space as soon as I wake up. #note2self

I had a dark moment. At least two people I care for acted like dicks. They did not understand why I do things I do. They dont understand the sacrifices I am making to make ends meet. And not that I haven’t spelled it out for them. Despite that, they sort of piled onto me emotionally and made me lose track. I know they dont do it intentionally. And I know I need to be stoic enough to not let that affect me. I am working on it. I honestly dont really care what people tell me and how they behave with me. But when the ones I care for and want to care for me pile emotional baggage on me, I lose it. I need to find a way to not get swayed by these things.

Recorded a podcast. Loved it. Even though the conversation could be richer, I absolutely loved it. Must do more podcasts. If I have my way, I can do a podcast a day. But the thing is, I am one of those perfectionists and I want things to be perfect. And that means I dont allow my team to release these conversations. And thus affect the output. Maybe I will rely on my team for releases and then we’d see where it goes?

So yeah, these things. There’s more that I want to write but that’s all the time I have right now. Need to leave for a walk.

And here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 143
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0. Did not walk at all.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 233

310721 – Morning Pages

Today’s post is about walking, discipline, work, gifts, photos and other random things. Read on!

7:35. Woke up a few minutes ago. I feel ok as I woke up. There’s a lot going on in my head. And I can’t pinpoint any of it. I mean there’s work that needs attention. There’s money that I need to find for more projects that I want to cook. There’s people that I am responsible for. There’s nails that I need to clip. There’s all the food that I am eating that I must avoid. As I type this, I am craving some random food. And as soon as I am done writing this, I know I will step out and order so much that I will be sleepy. And then I would curse myself for eating. I mean I know myself well. Funny humanness 😀

Ok, so quick recap of yesterday.

  1. Did about 17K steps. Walked up to Bandra (Popley’s showroom). And then took a rick back. So +1 on that.
  2. I ate three means. Including ice cream and dal makhani and roti and all the jazz. So -1000 on that.
  3. Saw this documentary about some great art heists over the last few years. It’s so fascinating that I want to retell these stories in #book2. I mean there could be a character that knows about the world of art and that could inspire the heist that I am planning in my book. No? Let’s see.
  4. Did some work but I continue to lag on all the work that I am supposed to be doing. Like crazy. I hope I can cover some backlog this weekend.
  5. I am recording a couple of episodes for Marketing Connect. So that should be cool. There’s nothing like talking marketing at a relaxed pace with other marketers that have interestined perspectives to share.

So that.

Coming back to steps. As of writing this, I am at 83K steps for the week. My goal is 110K steps. Let’s see if I can push and do 120. Looks unlikely with all the work and unwinding I need after a longish day at work. But let’s see. You never know. I may as well do it.

Thing is, the rigor and discipline I’ve shown with walking every day, if I can do the same with my calendar and tasks and work and other things, I would be in the same league at Elon and Jeff and Bill and Steve and all those. It’s just that I am unable to do it. I mean it’s just the walk. I am not even doing Surya Namaskar. Or push-ups. Or anything else for that matter. I know the long-term advantages of things. I know that my time is limited and I need to find better use of that. I know that I need to make money and try and become debt-free. I know that I need to earn to support all the dreams and ambitions of people that work with me. I know the deeper purpose, the higher reason, and all that. And yet I am not disciplined about things.

Ok. Rant. Anyone has any fixes here?

Lemme change tracks. Yesterday was hot. AF. I dont know what changed but I was sweating more than I would on regular days. I was more tired. The old tees that I wear pricked me as they used to in Delhi summers. I felt suffocated even without the mask. Was it more humid yesterday? Was it hotter? I think I must find a colder place to live in. You know, like near the poles? Maybe if things dont work out this year, I will go live higher up in the mountains. Lol, wishful thinking.

Wait.

I just realized that once I have my lunch, I dont really work. I merely while about and kill time. Maybe I should plan and fix all my meetings at this time? Good idea! As in, do all the work in the first half (from 8 AM to 2 PM). Have lunch. And then do all the meetings from 3 PM onward. Good idea. Will try to implement it from the next week itself. All my co-workers, beware!

So that. Oh, I may get to drive a car (VG’s) to Delhi. Towards the end of August as I wrap my house. I’ve always wanted to do a Mumbai Delhi road trip. And take pictures. And write about it. So that’s cool. Plus, it would help to take my mind off things, think about what I want to (which is a lot). And ship some things that I want to park in Delhi (specifically, some paintings that SG2 left behind). Looking forward to it. Most probably, it will be the weekend of 3-4-5 September. More than a month. Let’s see how it goes.

Before I end this post, I have to write about Nappa Dori. It was a friend’s birthday a few days ago and I ordered a small passport holder for her. And I put a message along with. You know, am a writer and all that! So while the order took more than 10 days to deliver (not everyone is Amazon), when it did get delivered, the way they had gone about it was superlative. To a point that I have become a fan of them for the rest of my life. Yeah, they are expensive. Yes, they may feel like overpriced gifts for rich people. But all we are, to be honest, is mush balls. And if a gift (or anything else for that matter) can’t make you feel good about things, what’s the point? So, Nappa Dori, you guys have my heart. And patronage.

And finally, as I end this, here are some pics that I clicked through the day yesterday.

Wait. I love the coffee one so much that I will repost it. Here.

Love this one. Would’ve made it to my Instagram if I were active there.

So that’s about it from today’s morning pages. See you tomorrow. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 142
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 7
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 232

300721 – Morning Pages

Quick dump on whatever I have on the top of my head.

6:09. Up! Feel surprisingly ok even though I did not sleep for too long. Legs hurt – I think it’s all the walking I’ve engaged in. Like yesterday, I did 21K steps. The last 3K steps, I had to call a friend and force her into a conversation with me so that I don’t get bored. So, if there’s something that keeps my head engaged, I can walk for like, forever! I just need to be able to add more to the routine. You know, breathing, pushups, yoga, etc. And stop eating kachra. Yesterday I had three meals and some 5000 calories. I mean whatever I am losing by walking, am piling more! Sigh!

Coming back. The highlight of the walk was when I spotted this building called Sholay. Really. Like the film. I couldn’t take the photo as some people were standing right there and it would be intrusive to their privacy. Found this on the internet. Source here. See…

🙂 Damn the power of films! And here’s the photo’s source.

Anyhow. So, in other news, I am back on coffee. And I don’t want to not admit but I enjoy the taste. Far better than green tea. And thanks to all the walks I am engaged in, it probably doesn’t stop me from sleeping well. So that.

Oh, I am also off FB. I have to stop embarrassing myself by trying to act cool on a platform that I don’t understand. The experiment lasted a few days but I am glad that it’s over. I do get bored at times and want to check what’s on Twitter or Insta. I do want to share all the thoughts that I have (like I want to post a scathing rant about Lucky Ali on Twitter) but I think between this blog, the echochamber, and altsaurabh, I am ok.

In terms of work, the book I am helping edit / write is finally off to the publishers of their inputs. This marks a closure in my head. It could come back with more inputs from the publishers but then that’s cool. Edits are ok. Life is like that. Stages and all that. So that’s cool.

This also means I have one less project to work on. And this means I have the bandwidth to take more. Know of any people wanting to hire a writer? Or a marketer? Or a brand manager? Or someone like that?

I also saw this ad on Youtube yesterday where Lucky Ali was promoting White Hat Jr. Damn old age. Forcing legends to support shitty businesses. I don’t think I can blame Lucky Ali per se. He may not understand what he’s pushing. It’s probably his managers that are to blame! In fact, brings me to another rant. The talent management business in India is broken. There are companies like Kwan and Exceed and all that but they are literally booking agents more than anything else. They merely block calendars and act like the rude elder brothers that no one wants, no one likes, no one cares for. They don’t think from the talent’s brand perspective. They don’t think of longevity. They don’t know how to build brands that could go beyond the next month’s calendar. Damn. This has been a rant forever. I wish I could fix it. The mere thought makes me sad.

Ok. Deep breath. Not my monkey. Not my circus.

Today looks like an easy day. I need to churn out a presentation before 10 (which should be easy enough if I reach Starbucks by 8 and work on it without distraction for an hour or so). I need to then deliver that at 2. And then a couple more things that should be manageable. And then some smaller pieces. So there’s some work but should be ok. The thing is, I am still exchanging my time for money. And this is neither sustainable, not right. Need to find ways to make money when I sleep. Any ideas anyone?

So yeah. That. Two things on the top of my mind all the time. A. Eating better and adding workouts to my routine. B. Making money while I sleep.

And as I end this, here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 141
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 6
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 231

290721 – Morning Pages

Recap of yesterday. Thoughts about today. Thoughts about attempts at becoming financially free!

6:51. Woke up a few minutes ago. I think I slept well. I had two dreams that I cant recall p[properly but I know in one, there was Rana Sir giving me some dope about a new client I am pitching to. And in the other, I had a negative dream about some MF client. Otherwise, I feel rested and ok. So that’s a good thing.

Yesterday I was at the beach and I remembered Goo Goo Dolls and I was haunted by the images from the film (City of Angels) that featured that track. Look at this.

I mean I was at the secluded beach per se and there were people sprinkled all over the beach. Each busy with their loved on. Or with their friends. Or something. I just couldn’t get the image out of my mind. I think I need to write a post on that. If only I had the time! #parkedIdeas #toWrite

I also walked some 17K steps during the day. I think I am on track to doing another 100K steps this week. The 17K I did yesterday were in two sets (2K and 14K). It helped that I had a few work calls and I kept going. The good thing was that while walking, I clicked a few pictures.

Here are a few unedited ones.

I have stopped Yoga altogether. I am not even attempting push-ups. Apart from the walk, I am not doing shit. I have learned that I need external motivation to do things. Damn it sucks. And since I am at self-loathing, I am eating a lot. And yesterday I had to fast and I ate three meals. And all ordered from outside. I think I can control this part for sure, if not other things. Let’s see how it goes.

So anyhow. That’s the recap from yesterday.

Today is probably going to be a good day. In the sense that I dont have too many calls planned during the day. I know as the day progresses, things would change and people would demand my time. But I remain committed to controlling my time as much as I can. Let’s see how it goes.

A thought that popped into my head yesterday was that I need to become an influencer for sure. In the traditional sense. And in the non-conventional sense. The deal is, being an influencer gives you a reach that anonymity can’t. And it gives you opportunities that you otherwise would not get. I was talking to someone yesterday and she mentioned that they had used a stand-up comic for a medical brand. Imagine a person who knows how to crack jokes doling out advice on medicine. Ludicrous. But true. Just because she’s an influencer. So that.

I know I dont have what it takes to become one. You know, looks, gift of gab, ability to make conversations, lot of time, narcissism et al. But I know what I have. The desire to be financially free. And I think the path to that is either via a business that works when you sleep. Or your reputation, that works for you while you sleep.

Yeah. For me, influence = reputation.

Naval captured it best in this how to get rich thread. If you haven’t read that yet, here.

So yeah. That.

Oh, I have a recording to do today for the Marketing Connect podcast. I am recording after a few weeks and I am looking forward to it. Let’s see how it goes. The issue would be to get the steps in after the recording. I mean it takes me 2 hours to get in 10K steps and if I finish the recording at 8:30 or so, I will need to be out till 1030 and with all the strays bugging you at all corners of the city, I really dont want to. Anyhow. Let’s see how it goes. If I cant even get the steps in, I should quit the ambition of Everest someday. And closer, the EBC.

Guess this is about it for the day.
Time to get ready and head to Starbucks.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 140
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 5
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 230

280721 – Morning Pages

Some crazy thoughts from a day when I cant seem to concentrate.

8:45. Woke up at 7:45. Right now at Starbucks. Lemme show you the view that I have right now.

From the vantage point of where I am sitting at this Starbucks.

Ya, that laptop is not more than 6 months old and looks withered. That is coffee. I am tripping on it for 2 days. Enough with ghaas ka paani.

So, here’s things that are at the top of my head.

A. When I woke up, I was more tired than usual. Probably walked too much. Probably stressed too much. Probably it was all the food I ate yesterday. Oh, I would have had some 5000 calories yesterday, if not more.

B. I can’t seem to concentrate at all. I don’t know what’s wrong. As I am writing this post, I am thinking about my relationships. When I am delivering a presentation, I am playing chess. When I am showering, I am thinking of ideas. When I am walking, I am on the phone. And all this after I’ve seen Dandapani videos like there’s no tomorrow. So clearly, there’s no effect on me. Need to think about it. Let’s see how or when.

C. I am not proud that I have moved to FB. Without any Twitter, I am not making any connections. Without any Instagram, I am not getting inspired. And FB sucks. I can’t put my thumb on what’s wrong with it but there’s something terribly wrong with FB as a platform. It’s making me do things that I typically would not do. I mean I am adding random people as friends and then am getting into small talk. I mean I do that on Twitter and Insta as well but that’s more to do with appreciating someone’s work or something cool. But on FB, am being exactly what I don’t want to be. I am also getting sucked into conversations that make no sense. Like this writer wanted help with his book. He wanted people to review. I volunteered. And then he sends me a long-ass message saying that he would only send the book if I agree that he can sue me if I plagiarise it. I am like, WTF!

D. Been writing a prompt a day for PPP for the last few days. Here’s the prompt for the day. “You are a cop and you recently read a story about a gang of art thieves that specialize in stealing figurines from remote temples. You need to lay a trap and capture the gang. How would you go about it?”

E. The road to EBC is looking harder with each passing day. I am not working at all. The only thing I have remained consistent since I started tracking is the walks. I think it is because I don’t need to put in any additional effort to walk. Plus it allows me to see the scenery. Wait. With that argument, I should be able to run /jog as well. But for some reason, I can’t seem to!

So yeah. That’s about it. Moving on with the day. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0. Ate like 5000 calories yesterday.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 139
  • #noCoffee – 0. Been having coffee last two days.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 4
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 229

270721 – Morning Pages

Did not have a lot to write today. Wrote a disjointed post about things on the top of my head.

6:30. Up a minute ago. I have fogged eyes, sore body. I think it’s because of all the walking I’ve been doing. No, I am not doing anything. I had plans to do push-ups, yoga, Jal Neti, stairs and I dont know what else. But for some reason, I am not doing anything except walking. There has to be a deeper thing at play here. I mean why am I willing to endure sore legs and blisters in my toes and I am shying away from other things? Maybe because walking around allows me to see the world outside? Maybe there’s a change in scenery? Maybe it’s effortless? I dont know. I will have to think deeper. Let’s see when.

So I have some disconnected thoughts from here on. Lemme use bullets.

A. Jetha (one of the coolest young people I know that is also very ambitious) decided to start a periodic letter to his connections. He says that I have inspired him. I am not sure though. Each person knows inherently what they want to do. And how they do those things. People like me only show the path. It’s the choice of the recipient if they want to walk on it.

B. While I was thinking about relationships and how to make things work, I stumbled upon an idea. If and when I get into another one, I think I will gamify it. I mean any relationship is a lot of hard work. But I am learning that someone like me needs to put in all the more hard work than others. I have very high expectations from life and thus from my partner. And of course, I am willing to do a lot – I hope I do. I mean others can only tell. Looking at things from my lens, I think I will only spot good things.

C. The initial excitement about EBC has now waned off. Now it’s the rigor needed to get there. You know, working out and all that.

Wait. I have covered this already when I lamented that I am not doing enough. Must buckle up. Because once I am up there, I will probably not have anything to fall back on.

D. I was watching something on Youtube (or was it Facebook; yes I am spending a lot of time on FB) and I saw this lady making a castle with a form board. I think it reminded me of that one large project that I want to pick where I do things by hand. You know, solve a big jigsaw, create a painting (even though I am not a painter), make a table. Something. Where I see tangible improvements on a day-to-day basis. And I use my hands (rather than just brains, like you do in a book). I really want to pick a project like that.

The thing is, however, that such a project goes against the ethos of having a house full of things. Even to make a jigsaw, I need to have some space in the house where I could lay the pieces out. If I have to make something, I need tools, paints, colors, and whatnot. So, this goes against the very ethos of what I want to stand for – you know, minimalism.

A few days ago (160721) I had decided that I will keep a running counter with arguments in favor of and against minimalism. I had said,

Wait. I have an idea. I will keep a running score of arguments in favor of and against minimalism. By the time I come back to Mumbai (after Diwali), depending on where the score is, I will move in that direction. So, the in-home chef is against minimalism. I am at -1 on that.

Wrote on 160721.

So, I add another -1 to the streaks. Let’s see where I end up once I am back.

E. Here’s a photo from yesterday. The only one I took while walking. I was out and about for more time but this is the only one I took.

An unplanned shot on the streets where I was telling friends about a sale at Ikea.

So that. I dunno what else to write. Time to get going and get started with the day. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 138 (I will start with this soon)
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 3
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 228

260721 – Morning Pages

I talk about how I am lagging on the road to EBC, some gyaan I doled out about writing and some random rant.

8:46. Starbucks, Versova. Woke up late. Slept late. I am playing too much chess. No, I am not good at it. No, I dont like it that much that I am playing it all the time. Just that I play chess instead of scrolling Instagram and Twitter mindlessly. You know, mind games :D.

The dark clouds dont seem to dispel. I know it will heal with time. I know time will take its own sweet time. I know I need to remain patient and wait for acchhe din to come back. I just hope they come back soon.

So, that.

Ok, the road to EBC is not smooth at all. Here’s my progress from the first week when I started thinking about it seriously.

Week of 19th July

The first few days were good. And then the next 3-4 were all downhill. In terms of what I am doing (eating!) and not doing (working out / walking etc). Apart from the walk goals, missing on all others. Need to pull up the socks. I don’t want to die on the mountain!

The only silver lining would be last night when I walked 24K steps (to complete 100K in the week). I think there are two things at play here. And I have to mention those.

A. AnAg created a group with a few friends on an app that tracks the steps that each person is putting on. I use that app to give competition to myself and that helps me do better. I’ve realized that I am hyper-competitive and I must keep this lesson in mind. Damn, this social proof is a thing!

B. I happened to hear Disha talk about her experience as a triathlete. And then she talked about other women that are mothers and yet find the time and energy to be competitive triathletes. She wrote a book about their stories. Here. I heard her talk while I was walking and I told myself that if there are people that can battle personal issues, societal biases, lack of money, and all that, why can’t I put in the 24K required to reach 100K!

I wish I was this competitive about making money. Or about using my time judiciously!

Anyhow. Moving on.

I spent some time with a few young writers that are helping me put a content engine at Podium. While talking to them, I realized yet again that I am a coach material than anything else. Or may be I am not and I am merely rationalizing? I dont know. But it was great fun to give gyaan. Here are the top three things that I told them…

a. Create a sacred space that you use specifically for writing. This could be within your house. Or could be a Starbucks. This space should not be mixed with other activities (specifically recreational) and each time you enter the space, you get in the zone. Think temples, churches, mosques etc. Each time you enter, you know you are now expected to behave in a certain manner.

b. Make writing your bitch. Simple. Inspiration must strike you when you want it to. Not the other way around. An easy way to do this is to ensure that you write every day. I picked this from Julia Cameron. And today is the 228th day on the trot that I have published a piece. So, clearly it works!

c. Don’t write to impress. Write because you want to express something. If you think words are not flowing, assume you are writing a longish message to your best friend. Or a colleague. Even if it’s a regular update on how the coffee today sucked, you better write. Plus, you should be ok if no one reads. The intent is to not get read. The intent is to write. Publish. The audience is the unintended side effect. Of course, at a point, you want the audience as well. But for the time being, write for yourself.

So that.

Guess this is about it for the day. Need to get going with things. This week is a busy one. And no, no photos from yesterday to show off. Should’ve clicked some.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 137
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 227

250721 – Morning Pages

SG’s shades of grey.

6:45. Just like the last few days, I woke up once again with this sense of sadness and tinge of melancholy in my head. I believe I am a strong person and if going thru what I am going thru is hard for me, I can’t imagine how it would be for a common person.

Nothing seems to be interesting. Or exciting. Not even watching Taarak Mehta, leave alone those complex films with characters that have shades of grey. Grey. Or Gray. Or whatever it is. That’s how I feel. Maybe I am not getting enough Vitamin D. Or B12. May be I am not getting enough human connection. Maybe I am not getting enough money. Maybe… I mean I dont even know what is lacking in life. I mean I know what is but I cant seem to pinpoint and get an antidote. I feel grey. Feeling blue, if you will.

And it’s affecting how I live. And who I am. I am eating like a pig. I have fallen off my exercise. Whatever little I do. I am avoiding friends and people I know. I was supposed to go for breakfast with a friend of 18 years. I skipped it. I am not delivering at work. I have book to edit. I have a deck to make. I have some emails to send. I havent even checked my emails in 2 days. Things are lagging behind. I am not honoring my commitments. I am being a dick to people that care for me. If they do actually care and not just faking it. I dont even know who’s for real and who’s not. Parents, yes. SG2, yes. M, maybe. Rest I dont know. Everyone can see that I am slacking. It’s affecting my relationship with those people. Wait. I am not being a dick. I am merely aloof. Dont think people care if I stay away. They havent told me if they do. Thing is, I am painting myself in a corner. I am running fast on the negative spiral that is probably at the rock bottom and there’s this dark abyss that seems to go as deep as the globe itself.

I dont know how to fix things. I dont know who to talk to. And what to talk about, if I get to talk to someone. Even if I found someone, I won’t know what to say. This blog, this morning page is an attempt to talk. And yet I dont know what to talk about. I mean can’t pinpoint. I just feel blank. You know what I am saying? I can’t afford a shrink. No fast cars for me. Fuck fast. I dont have a car that I could just take off on. And even if I had, where would I take off to? The roads are fine but then apart from the feeling of escape, I am not sure where I would reach? And why would someone care?

As the self-help, self-care, self-preservation measure, I have probably seen the whole of youtube that talks about Buddhism, Taoism, Stoicism, Nihilism, and all the other -isms. Even Dandapani’s videos aren’t helping. I’ve read about the stages of grief and I am probably between denial and catharsis. Of what, I am not sure. I know time will solve whatever is affecting me. I just need to get thru this phase. I know this too shall pass. I know nothing lasts forever and these ebbs and flows are part and parcel of life and death.

I hope soon.

Anyhow. Lemme try to get some cheer on these pages. Lemme try and write about good things from yesterday. There are a few, to be honest, but let me try nonetheless.

A. I found a Starbucks that was accepting customers.
The one at the airport. I went there and found a comfortable chair and table that did not wobble. That in itself is an achievement, considering how busy these outlets can get.

B. I heard a full podcast after a while.
On PradX’s recommendation. This one. Got some interesting ideas. No, despite the interestingness, I am not in the position to absorb those. Or react to those. Or act on them.

C. Wore shoes.
Trying to get used to the idea of feet stuck inside other things. Walked almost 18000 steps. As of today, I am at some 76K steps for the week. I would have loved to clock 100K steps for the week. But looks unlikely. Maybe next week.

Oh, while walking, took the jetty across to Madh and walked about for a bit there. Even though it’s 15-20 minutes away from all the hustle and bustle of Mumbai as a city, it’s still a village. I think Madh could be a good place to live. The only challenge is that it’s way too far from public places that I typically hang out at – Starbucks, Airport, M’s place, etc. I will think about it once I am back after Diwali. If I am back. Yeah, I am strongly considering quitting Mumbai. Even if my dreams of films and fame and bank balance can only happen here. Actually, I am at the place in life right now where I want to quit every damn thing that defines me. I need a fucking reset button.

D. Here’s a new thing.
Each day I will upload a selection of photos I click during the day. And write a line about those. Here are two from yesterday.

So yeah, this is about it I guess. Just a few good things. All forced. In attempts to get some sanity going in my head.

Anyhow.

I need to get going with the day. Which means I will go park myself at the Starbucks at the airport and work. At least pretend to. And then, maybe, try to.

Let’s see how much I can. There’s a lot open at my end. Can’t continue to slack for too long. Whatever I have is because I have worked hard and have proven to be a reliable person to work for.

I just hope I am back to being destiny’s child again where doors open for me and things happen without me trying real hard. Inshallah soon. I’ve had enough of this greys and sadness and mediocrity and all that. Pray for me, if you do.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. For the second day on the trot, ate so much crap that I’ve undone all the good work that I did in the first few days. I am already hungry. I will see if I can skip food today.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 136
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had coffee yesterday. Maybe that’s why I couldnt sleep?
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1. Walked 17K steps.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 226