080921 – Morning Pages

A short note on mortality and how I would want to leave this world. When I do.

9:38. Home. The only home I’ve ever known. Except in the embrace of the ones I that I’ve loved. And the ones that have loved me. So this home, the one I have grown in, am here after a while. Almost a year! The last time I came here, it was Diwali of 2020 and then I went to Goa. And then I was in Mumbai and then the pandemic hit us again and all that. So that.

Ok. Time to get into some somber mood. This is probably one of the most important posts I’d ever write. I hope words can do justice.

So yesterday, I went to a hospital to meet a relative who’s just had heart surgery.

Lemme give some context. I’ve known him since I was a child and I have spent enough and more time in his backyard. Even in his lap. And he’s given me no less love than he would give to his children. And in life, he’s been a pillar to the entire family. And beyond. He has been an icon of righteousness, selfless service, and everything that you want in a man. No, he’s not really one of those people who’d inspire you with his tales of courage or exploits in business. He is as simple as they come and yet as special as they could be.

Yesterday, he was bedridden. Which is ok. I have seen him when he’s asleep.

But then he had a million wires and hoses and pipes running through his body to the machines that sort of keep the vital functions alive. He looked frail. Fragile. He still had his confidence and his neck held high, the one that I remember him for. But he was clearly putting in a lot of effort to do that. And oh man, did he put the effort!

Of course, he would recover and would be back to action before we know it. Of course, this is part and parcel of life. Of course, I need to be strong and get used to seeing my loved ones in that state – after all, age is catching up.

But that’s not what this post is about. It is about how I do NOT want to be like that. Articulation happened when I was talking to Krishna yesterday. So, the thing is, most people that know me, know me as someone hyper. Someone that can’t sit idle for a minute. Someone that is so fidgety that he’s moving all the time. Someone so full of energy that it’s literally impossible to control. Or contain. Someone who’s so infectious, so disturbing, so all over the place that you can’t ignore him. I dont know if this is good or bad. But this is how I am. If you have any other impressions of me, please do let me know.

So, if I were to fall sick and I am forced onto a bed, bondage-d by pipes and cables and all that, I do NOT want anyone I know to see me decapitated like that. Before any of those people that I love (there are just a handful of those) were to see me like that, I would want the plug to be pulled. Really. I have thought hard about this. For all the zest I have for life, for all the things I want to do with our limited time here, if I am ever in a position like that, I really want my dreams, my hopes, my existence to be wiped out. I am ok to go without saying my goodbyes. The good part is that hardly anyone cares for me outside my parents and probably my sis. So there is no question of giving closure to people. They would find it. Time anyway heals.

Coming back. So, I dont want the ones I love to have the last memory of me to not be of a person that couldn’t sit still and not have child-like enthusiasm or energy. Come what may.

So yeah. That.

Over and out.

And here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 181
  • #noCoffee – 25
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 3109
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 271
  • NOFAP – 7

070921 – Morning Pages

A short post about how I spent yesterday. Some rants about life, time, health, massages and other things.

8:40. Ahmedabad.

Today I leave Ahd and go to Delhi.

No my work here is not done. But I am done with the place. I can stay longer and all that but need a change in the scenery.

Taking a train. No, I dont like it. But desperate times call for desperate measures. So this is as desperate as it goes. All the money I made in the last few months has been poured into LHV and the next short film. No, it’s not a bad thing. It’s a tradeoff at best. And I am ok with it.

Both these things are exactly where I want to be in life – venture capital, films. These are the building blocks that I am putting in right now for the future. Just that I am almost 40 and there is no future in sight. Sigh!

Anyhow.

So yesterday was fairly ok. I was at a Starbucks in the first half. Got done a lot of things that needed to be done. And then I met a few friends. Pitched the idea for C4E Base. Got rejected. Met more friends. Jammed on other things that could be done. Caught on an afternoon nap (must get regular with these). Woke up and worked again.

I think it was the perfect day.

Except that when I went to bed, I was in that #foreveralone fetal position till I found sleep. Need to do something about it. No, I dont want shaadi. Neither do I want steady love. Have had enough of those and dont think I want to invest energies anymore. Unless some miracles happen. Never say never, as they say.

So, the good part or bad part of being on the road is that you know that you are short of time and you try to make the max of whatever you have. I mean I am writing this from the breakfast table. Otherwise, I would have waited to get to a Starbucks and then write. You know, am trying to max out my time. I anyway like this life where I am rushed all the time. Just that the rush has to be caused by me and not by others. The slow life is not for me.

I must mention that most of my conversations with people here in Ahmedabad have reinforced the belief that life is short. Time is shorter. Especially for people like me who are old, un-rich, almost intelligent, and still do not know where they want to land in life.

So that.

Ok. Let’s move to frivolous things.

The other day my mom told me to meet one of my relatives here in Ahd. Her specific instructions were to wear pants and be well-groomed when I went. Lol. She knows me too well. So, I went for a haircut and all that. While I was there, I was tempted to get a head massage. And I did. And oh man, it was the worst massage in the history of mankind. I mean I would have questioned the very existence of the masseuse if I was in the mood. But then I let go. The good part is, I realized how much I love massages. I must must make it a part of my daily routine and life once I get back to a regular life post the trek. #note2self

The thing with the trek is, I have less than 10 days to go and I am not in great shape at all. The deviated septum is getting deviated all the more. I am eating like a pig. I haven’t walked at all in the last 10 days. Once I reach Delhi tomorrow, I am hoping I would try and get some semblance going. I can at least try breathing exercises if nothing else. I really want to come back alive and do more things with my time :D.

So yeah. I guess this is it for the day. See you guys tomorrow. Hopefully. I mean it’s 270 days. I wish I could extend it to 300 but theek hai. Such is life.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 180
  • #noCoffee – 24
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 2025
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 270
  • NOFAP – 6

060921 – Morning Pages

A note on what I am seeing and experiencing in Ahmedabad. From the lens of a people watcher and a consumer behaviour enthusiast.

9:12. Starbucks. Ahmedabad.

Last night, could not get to sleep. Kept fiddling with apps and all that. Hoping someone would give me attention. Guess this thing about loneliness is real. And it sucks. I mean I’ve never felt the need but if I am feeling it now, well, God bless me.

But then, I woke up refreshed. And better. Guess the cold is sort of gone and thus I feel more human. So all in all, it was a good night.

Yesterday was interesting. Did not do much. Killed time on random things. Spoke with Krishna about things that I would otherwise not admit. There’s something about meeting people face to face that brings out the super candid honest dude in me out. I mean I am honest most days most times but when I am face to face with people, I am even more open.

Ok. Lemme try and talk about something that I fail to understand as a consumer behavior expert enthusiast. I dont understand Ahmedabad. There are clearly a lot of rich people here. I am guessing per capita GDP would be the highest here. I am assuming all luxury brands would be here. And yet, people dont sort of spend money. I have been parked at a Starbucks for the last three days and I have never seen it more than 30% full. Maybe it’s not their culture to work from coffee shops. Or maybe people are stingy. But then these are “rich” people. Lemme talk of others.

On the other side, for all the expected richness, I see as many poor people around. I mean there are beggars on the streets. Every crossing, every intersection, every empty patch of land has people loitering around. There are numerous roadside markets that hawk the kinds of things that I’ve not seen in a long long time. The behavior of “aam aadmi” on the road is of the ones that are tentative with money. As a third-party, casual observer, I feel that things are not as hunky-dory as you would imagine them to be! And yet everyone is content.

So that.

And lemme talk about the weather here. It is hot. AF. To a point that I am literally sweating as soon as I step out of the AC. I am told this is how it is throughout the year. And yet people eat out. I mean they sit outside in the sun. They are, as a friend says, “simmering in their own juices” while they wait for food to be served to them. I dont know how they manage this. If we were in Europe, I get that people want sun and thus they do this. But we are in Ahmedabad. It’s sunny even at night. How do they even do this? Of course not that Delhi or Mumbai has any better weather. But then there are few months in the year when it’s pleasant. I dont think it’s ever pleasant here!

The last thing about this place is the peculiar absence of chemist shops / pharmacies. I needed to buy Vicks. You know, for my throat. And I could not find a chemist for a good 40 minutes. And I am in a fairly central part of Ahd. For all the food that gets eaten here by people, in the quantity they eat, it’s amazing they don’t need a chemist as often!

And finally, Starbucks. It is uncanny how Starbucks is able to offer such consistent service, experience, and ambiance at places that are not mainstream for the coffee junta. This is my third day here and I haven’t felt for a single second that I am not in a Delhi or a Mumbai. Kudos to them! Must learn from them! I wish I could see how things work at the backend. How they manage the diversity and yet offer a consistent experience.

So yeah. This is it. Time to get going with the day. Today marks the beginning of the week. So I will probably have a lot of work. And that too while I manage things in Ahmedabad.

Let’s see how it goes. Meanwhile, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 179
  • #noCoffee – 23
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 5523
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 269
  • NOFAP – 5

050921 – Morning Pages

A recap of how I spent yesterday in Ahmedabad. I met people, thought a lot and then learnt a few lessons. It was awesome!

9:19. Starbucks. Ahemdabad.

I had an eventful day yesterday. No, not in the sense of things happening to me but meeting new and interesting people, face to face. I’ve done this after a while. You know, meeting loose connections, talking to them about everything under the sun, and dreaming about possibilities. I’ve missed this meeting with new people and jamming with them. Damn, COVID! Of the people I met, there were a couple of fund managers, an entrepreneur, another aspiring entrepreneur, and another person that runs his family’s business.

While talking to people I realized my limitations. I learned where I am often wrong. I even saw places where I was more right. I missed the fact that I was not carrying a notepad and thus couldn’t take notes. There were some really interesting conversations. I must do this often!

So, for posterity and note-taking, lemme make a list of things that I learned yesterday. About myself and others.

  1. I know the names of a lot of people. And a lot of people know my name. This is a good thing. I just to find a way to convert this knowledge into transactions and work and business.
  2. Most people that are loose connections dont know what I do. I need to fix this. #sgP1. Simply because opportunities do not come to me if people dont know what I do. I need to have a singular definition. I know I want to do a million things but the world works in a manner where they want a singular answer to problems. So, that.
  3. I am a bit wierd. I want to operate in greys. And I want to operate in black and white. These are two different things and there is no way both can go hand in hand and yet I want to have these work in sync. I need to think more on this.
  4. A third-party person seeing my twitter feed recalls the negatives that I have posted about. Even though I have stayed away from rants for a long long time, people still tend to remember that. So, need to be careful about rants. On twitter. On FB. On every possible social outpost. Except here. And on echochamber. This is where I post things to sort of get my head clear. I can bury this link deep. I mean if I were someone with huge successes, people would probably celebrate my outbursts. But then, I am not. And thus.
  5. One of the people I met mentioned about Max Gunther’s work on luck. I am going to spend time on it today. Here’s the book, in case. This link summarises the book well, in case. Even this is not bad.
  6. Another person said out loud that you need to have the balls to call a spade a spade. I dont have this at all. I am the kinds that makes people into soy. Even though I believe in “good job”, I still spoil my people rotten. To a point that they become, well, soy. I need to get better at this for sure. #sgP1

Guess this is all I recall from my meetings. If I remember something else, I would make changes in my Roam graph (and not here :D)

Oh, I have this fuckall cold for the last three days. Running nose, heavy head, and sore throat. Today’s the third day so I should be hopefully better by tomorrow. No, I did not take medicines. And yes, I have been feeding the cold. I hate being unwell. I hate being sick. I hate when I dont have the energy to perform. I mean the very act of living is an ongoing performance that I am on. I just hope I can regain some strength and still have some leftover as I go for the walk up the EBC. I would’ve liked to be a far stronger shape but I will have to do with whatever I have.

Guess this is about it. I am glad that I could find the time and energy to write this. More later. If I can.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 178
  • #noCoffee – 22
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 7396
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 268
  • NOFAP – 4

040921 – Morning Pages

A quick post from my first day in Ahmedabad. Nothing specific to be honest but since I had the time, I wrote.

8:24. Ahmedabad. Starbucks. Where else?

I am here to meet Krishna. There are a couple of business ideas that we want to jam on. And if things go well, I may go on board as his partner. If not that, an investor for sure. So that. I also want to start getting into the mood for EBC. Start using fewer devices. Reduce screen time as much as I can. Staying more offline. Thinking deeply about things. And so on and so forth. I feel I am at this juncture in life where I want to get things to work and move. I have had enough of an unsuccessful life. I think that quote comes to mind.

एक ज़बरदस्त तूफ़ान आए और उड़ा दे ये चुप्पी की दुनिया

I think Faiz. Not sure.

So yeah. I need that zabardast toofan in life. I dont know how or when it would happen, if left to self. But I want to bring it as soon as I can. And I am willing to shake the damn tree and see what falls out of.

Oh, I am slightly under the weather. I have a runny nose, a little cold, and a sore throat. I do have somebody ache as well. But not something I cant manage. I just hope it would be ok soon. Must be all the in and out I did from the coffee shops of Mumbai.

I think this is about it for the day. Super short post. I dont even know if this counts at a morning page. Maybe tomorrow.

And here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. Ate a lot yesterday. Blame it on cold.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 177
  • #noCoffee – 21
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1201
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 267
  • NOFAP – 3

PS: I was not going to write this, to be honest. The post I made yesterday was going to be the last one. But now that I have some time, I thought why not? Habits die hard. Let’s see if I can write tomorrow.