Writing Archives | Page 8 of 34

200821 – Morning Pages

Quick update that I am not even sure that counts as morning pages. I am supposed to start my day with these but I did not.

10:03! Really.

This is probably the most late I’ve been on morning pages. Multiple things are at play. Woke up late. Client calls that I couldn’t avoid. Work calls that I could not avoid. And then general fuckery in life and all. But der aaye, durust aaye.

So, yesterday was quite ok. The day was ok. Did some yoga. Did some work. Slacked a bit. Walked a bit. Met Prak. Gave away things that she owned. Packed another bag. Couldn’t go to the beach. Which is ok. If I could only eat less, it would’ve been perfect!

Today looks like a busy day. Not too many calls but quite a few things need to be done. Let’s see when I get those done. Once I am done with those, I need to finish whatever is left to pack. I plan to move this weekend. Let’s see.

In things at the top of my head, I am thinking about something that’s been gnawing at me for long. My inability to create a roaring success. Lemme spend a min on this. There are two kinds of successes – mild and wild. Mild – comfortable house, pension, a loving family, and all that. Wild – change the world kinds. I crave wild success more than anything else in the world. And I am yet to even see even a glimpse of mild success. I can’t even put myself and wild success in one sentence. I want it so bad that I am willing to give an arm and leg for that. Really. I can. I will, if someone shows me the way!

Side Note: Read my SoG on mild success vs wild success.

I do know that there’s some variance needed for wild success. And that may happen today, tomorrow. Or never. But I am surprised that even mild hasn’t happened to me. Plus, saw this yesterday and was triggered…

I do think I am smart.
I do think that I am resourceful.
Ok, I may be a dreamer but I do think I have the chops needed to make it rich and see mild success, if not wild.

And yet I dont have.
Ankit Pandey tells me that “Dhan yog aur rajyog ki dasha nahi aai hai. Simple.”

But then, the question remains, kab aaegi ye dasha?

So let’s see. If you believe in God, or Universe or whatever, please pray that I get to it soon. A lot needs to be done in life 😀

The other thing that I need to capture for posterity is that I reached out to Team MML and shared with them what I am going thru. These boys are like the last resort that I can confide in. I mean who else will I go to? Anyhow. So, even though most of us don’t talk anymore as much as we should, it was really comforting to have a set of people that trust me, that will not judge me for all my failures and shortcomings. I wish I had was better at making and retaining friends.

That’s about it for the time being. I hope I am not this late next time on.

Here’s streaks.

OMAD – 0. Ate 10 times. 10 things 🙁
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 162
#noCoffee – 5. Wow! Let’s see if I can make it without coffee till Nov.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 659 (and bought three flight tickets)
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. Havent done as yet.
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 252

P.S.: Technically morning pages had to be the first thing I do in the morning. Today I did not. So technically my streak is gone :(. But then, I did publish this in the first half. So, cutting myself slack 😀

190821 – Morning Pages

In today’s post, I talk about how I enjoy meeting people f2f, local trains in Mumbai and benefits of taking a pause.

5:58. Woke up a few minutes ago. And I slept for good 12 hours or so over the last 24 hours. Lemme come back to it. So I had a meeting at Lower Parel yesterday. I came back at around 4. Ate. Slept for a couple of hours. And then ate and then slept again for a couple of hours. And then finally, I slept. Was in bed by 11. So that’s 2 + 2 + 7. So 11. Not 12.

But then, the highlight of yesterday has to be that I wore shoes. And pants. Denims. And traveled for 3 hours to attend an hour-long meeting. Total waste of time to be honest. But then I also realized how much I love meeting people. And how much I suck at small talk. I mean talk to me about work, I can yap for hours. But talk to me about films and all, I can’t do shit.

Oh, I took a train on the way back. Must have taken one after I dont know how long. Thankfully I had that universal pass and all that. I had forgotten my art of finding the queue with the shortest length, the platform nearest to the exits, the grind of walking up the stairs to change tracks. You may hate em but the local trains remain the fastest way to travel within Mumbai.

So, as I said, I was back by 4. Dint do must after that. Was not tired per se to be hoenst. But was in this weird sa zone where I did not want to do anything. More on why I was in this zone is on echochamber.

I did manage some packing. Mostly books. There isn’t a lot anyway. The decision to get Ikea’s Frakta (this and this) turned out to be a good one. Most of the books are now in bags that can be easily managed, stored and carried around. Actually, cartons are better for storage but I am not really concerned about storage at this point.

While packing, I made separate bags for books that I need to take to Delhi. And books that I need to store here in Bom. Wait. Why do I even want to store things in Bom? I don’t plan to have a house that has a toothpick more than what I need. But then why do I even take them to Delhi? I mean that house is small and there’s any way a loft full of books. Should I just dump them in some godown? Paras has one. Or at SJ2’s place. Or maybe keep waiting to have enough money to start a co-working space wherever I decide to spend my time and then make a library of sorts there? I dont know yet. Will think over the next few days. All I know is that I need to get things in boxes / bags so that I can move those easily.

Ok. Plans for today?

Well, the calendar looks kind of empty for the time being. But I am sure as the day progresses, it will get filled with meetings and all that. I need to buy myself shoes for the trek today come what may. If I want to come back in one piece from EBC! There’s a Decathlon in Bandra. Will probably go there if I am not too fried during the day. So far, I think my mood is ok.

I will go to Starbucks as soon as it opens. Reminds me. Yesterday, I was at another Starbucks in the morning (one in Lower Parel – you know I did not want to travel in peak hours) and it had giant windows overlooking a construction site. And before I started work, I put Anne Reburn’s track on my headphones, sipped onto the green tea, slowly, for as long as the track ran. I was literally in that moment. I dont know what made that moment magical. Music? Pause? The feeling of no-rush? I loved it! Those three minutes were lovely. I think I need to do this every day. I mean most times when I start the day, I am rushing to get things done. I dont pause per se. Maybe I need to do this. Maybe Naval isn’t wrong after all!

Ok. Been at this for an hour now. Need to take a break. Get ready for Surya Namaskars. Was on a two-day streak before I had to take a break yesterday.

Back. Done. 12. Felt easy today for some reason.

Time to get ready and head to a Starbucks. Also, I think I’ve written enough for the day. Ending it. Here’s the streaks…

OMAD – 1
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 161
#noCoffee – 4
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 1097
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. If I do tomorrow as well, will update as 2. Dont want to get too ahead of myself.
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 251

180821 – Morning Pages

A quick note about things on the top of my head. I talk about moving on from this house, relationships, music, life and death!

6:24. This one is going to be short and sweet. I have to be on the road at 7:15 tops. Have a meeting at Worli and I need to find a Starbucks for that. And then have another meeting at 11. There itself. And then another meeting at 1 after that. This day shall be spent on the road. And in talking. Much like a large part of yesterday. Sigh. No, I am not enjoying this. But theek hai. This is where we are. This is what I have to do till I figure the next steps.

The thing with the f2f meeting is that I need to wear pants and shoes. The two things that I have come to hate more than anything else. Especially since the lockdown. I will of course carry a pair of chappals in a bag that I will wear as soon as I am out of the meeting. Thank God I dont have smelly feet. So that helps.

Today’s post has no structure. I will merely dump things that are on top of my head. Let’s go…

A. Have started to pack the house. I am now in that stage where I have accepted that I am moving on. I have accepted that this place is a thing of the past. The problem-solving mind in me has taken over and now I am thinking of the best way to pack and move on. I could choose cartons. Or I could choose suitcases. Or bags. I need to optimize for sturdiness, convenience, cost, and more. So I settled on those big Ikea bags. Have ordered a few of those (and some more things). Let’s see if I can pack when they come. I am also making stacks of things that I need to send to various people – one for SG2, one for PM, one for SJ, one that needs to be given away, and then some more for more people. If all goes well, I will move my effects by this weekend.

I am thinking, will my life be this organized when I finally move on? You know, all things stacked neatly in bags / cartons? No spec of dust around. Whoever walks through my effects would be amazed to find that I was always this planned. Oh, btw, the other day I starting making a sheet of all the things I own. So far I have just touched the tip of the iceberg and I am already tired. When you live, you dont spot those things but when it comes to making a list, you realise how much you have. Need to reduce drastically. For the ones curious, the sheet is here. Do lemme know what you think of this.

B. Good part of yesterday is that I went to the beach and sat there for a bit. While I was there, I reaslied that for all the stoic things I read, I am probably as un-stoic a person as they come. I am attached to people. I expect things without expecting them. I crave their attention. I seek their validation. A lot of my misery in the last few days is a direct result and outcome of this very thing. You know, on one side, not expecting. And on the other, expecting a lot. I am trying hard to detach. I have started with things. I have moved on from most people. Need to move on from whatever handful I am left attached to.

Another lens is that till about 6 months back I was thinking about how would I make ends meet. Now that that’s not a problem, I am now at a higher-level problem. Of belonging and all that. Maslow, you bugger!

And thus the snafus in my head. More on this someday.

C. I want to now come to a point in life where I dont need a laptop. I should be able to merely get things done from a phone. You know, I dont want to do. I want to manage. Which I was, for the most part when I did events. But since I pivoted to marketing / content, a lot needs to be done. By me. You know, quality. So that’s one of the things I am working towards.

D. Day 250. This is the 250th day of a non-stop streak of writing morning pages. I have not missed these even one day! I think I am incredibly proud of this. I dont think I have shown this much rigor, this much attention, and this much perseverance with anything ever. I hope I can continue this till the 16th of Sep (when I go for my annual break). The bigger challenge would be to pick this up once I am back. Because once that rhythm is broken, you know how it is.

E. Anne Reburn. I am hooked on this cover of Country Roads. By an artist called Anne Reburn. She is so good! The track has a tiny twist. Do see it.

I have to meet Anne at some point in time in life and I will probably request her to play this for me. #lifeGoal. Of course, the keyword is “request”. As an artist, she chooses what she showers on me. In fact, this is the shift that has happened in my head. Rather than “demanding” from people that I adulate, people I am in awe of, people I admire, people I take inspiration from, I now “request” them to give me whatever they can spare. It is no longer about “taking” from them. It’s about “learning” from them.

Guess this is about it. It’s 6:51. I need to be out of the house in less than 15 mins. Over and out.

I know this is a short post. But I am glad I got it in. Had a lot on my head. Phew!

Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. Streak. 000
#noCoke – 160
#noCoffee – 3
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 4647
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. Not doing today either. Unless some miracle happens.
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 250! Yay!

170821 – Morning Pages

A ranty post about work, Starbucks and how I am dependent on public places to get things done.

7:21. Woke up a few minutes ago. Little groggy. Tired as well. I dont know why. I did not do anything that would leave me like this. Plus, I have a long day ahead. And a lot of what I am busy with, I need to be the one talking. So, it’s going to be a long and interesting day. And by the end of it, I would probably be exhausted. Not exactly the kind of busyness that I like but theek hai. That’s where life is right now and can’t complain. Or rejoice. Let’s see how it goes.

Oh, because I am the one talking, if I talk well and I see that people are enjoying what am saying, I would end the day on a high. And if everything goes flat, I would be sad. Yeah, my work is what guides my happiness and sadness.

Ok, yesterday. This amazing thing happened. I worked for more than 12 hours! I mean I am not proud but I realised that that’s all I have to my life. And I could only do this because stores are now allowed to remain open till 10 PM.

I started at 830 with morning pages. Took a break around 12 for lunch etc. And then went back to a Starbucks at 5ish or something. And stayed till 945. So I was up and about for longer. And rather than sleeping by 945, I actually did more things. I must say that the vibe at a Starbucks in the morning is way different than the Starbucks in the evening. There are many more people merely chilling, catching up, gossiping in the evening. The crowds are more effervescent. There are larger groups, noises are louder. Morning is more intimate. People are mostly working and trying to get things done. I think I am indifferent to this vibe per se, as long as I get a place to sit and bury myself in my laptop. And of course, being a morning person and all that, I prefer mornings. Even if the vibe was wild like a club!

Thing is, this dependence on public places to work from is not really cool. I need to be less dependent on things. You know, walk on my journey by myself. Plus, It’s not cheap at all. I mean I spend almost 1000 bucks each day there. Making it the most expensive indulgence I have. But then, I am thinking, if it allows me to get things done, why not? Plus I am sure once offices are open and I get back to a WeWork or something, I would manage it cheaper.

Let’s see.

The point remains that I am more effective when I am not alone. And definitely far far better when I am not at this house. The good part is that I am gonna be out in less than 15 days. Yay!

In other news, I restarted with a lo-carb diet. I mean it’s just been one day but I plan to continue with it till the time I am in Mumbai. Once I go to Delhi, I am sure I would want to eat all the street food strewn out there on every nook and cranny!

Nothing else to report per se. As always, I have way too many ideas. Way less time. And I still dont ship. Sigh. Need to fix it. Somehow. And before I spiral down into a full-blown rant and a depressive cave, must move on. Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. No work on any book yesterday.
#noCoke – 159
#noCoffee – 2. Had none. Had 2 chais.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 1880
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 2. Did 12 rounds today as well.
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 249

160821 – Morning Pages

A shortPost on what I am changing in my life from today on!

8:09. Starbucks.
I changed something today. I dint write as soon as I woke up. Rather, I puttered around. Played some chess (lost both the games). Did 12 Surya Namaskaras (yay!). And then reached Starbucks.

And here I am. On my morning pages. And I will write till 8:30. Sharp. And then 5 minutes to tag things in my notes. And then work. I think I can do with this routine.

So the highlight of yesterday has to be that I walked for a bit and went and sat at the seaside at Versova. This is what I will miss once I am not in Mumbai. To be honest, it was tough to be with myself. But I managed for a few minutes and it was indeed a good thing.

I also had a Frooti (or was it a Slice?) yesterday once I came back from the walk. I was dying to have a Diet Coke. I dont know what it is about staring at the sea and Diet Coke. I had to have one. But then, streaks. So I replaced it with whatever non-fizzy, non-sugary thing the store had. And somehow I settled on a mango-drink.

And yeah, it was tasty. I had had one after I dont know how long.

In other news, I did a session with a few young people I work with. The youngest was 19. Oldest, 25. There were 6 of them and I talked to them about SoG Book. This was my attempt at researching for the book. The kind of things they want to read and understand. It was fascinating to talk to them. I realized that what I have on SoG is not something that these kids would want to read. They of course have questions and doubts and all in their heads. But what I have is entirely different from what they want. So, back to the drawing board.

Starting Keto from today. And I started SNs as well. Enough. I think the darkness of the last few days is being caused by the kachra I am eating. So I am going to fix it. It is tough with all the ease and accessibility and all that. I will fall back to the age-old tested methods of chewing onto chewing gum all the time, drinking water all the time, and eating OMAD. I somehow need to stop with the stress eating. I can’t really control stress – there are things in my life that I am missing. There are things in life that could be better. But I know that I can’t control those. So, why bother.

Rather, fix the reaction to the stress. You know, not succumb to stress!

So that.

Ok. 8:32. Time to get on with the day. Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 1. Did some work on SoG Book.
#noCoke – 158
#noCoffee – 1. Had none. Had chai rather.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 4540
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0. Did 12 rounds today. If I manage tomorrow, I will add to the streaks.
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 248

150821 – Morning Pages

A shortnote on how yesterday was. And the good and bad and the ugly of being me.

8:44. Starbucks.

Yesterday was a bad bad day. Kept faking that things are ok. They weren’t. Couldn’t focus on work. Couldn’t center my mind. Couldn’t get attention on one thing. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t function. Was to meet someone. I chose to not do it. Thankfully it was a Saturday and no one needed my attention. So I could get by without talking to anymore. I can’t afford to have these dark days on a workday. I would get rogered.

Come to think of it, there’s nothing wrong with me per se. Life seems to be going ok. People I care for are healthy and happy. I have some money in the bank (even though it’s still debt) and I know more is on the way. There is some work that keeps me engaged. There are challenges with it but none that I would lose my sleep over. Or get spaced out the way I ~~am right now~~ was yesterday. Today I am far better.

I dont even know what triggered it. I was awesome in the morning. Spoke to a friend that I would shack up with in Japan if I go there. Made myself Maggi for brunch. Ate some more kachra. Caught an afternoon nap. And then was back to work. Somewhere between making myself Maggi and getting to work, the switch just flipped. The equanimity in my head turned into darkness. And it kept me engulfed. Till I woke up today.

I was fucked to a point that I couldn’t breathe. Not exaggerating. I had to step out in the afternoon. I went to the Starbucks at the airport. I had to be outside. Could it be the lockdown that’s taking a toll on me? Now? After when everything is open? Lol, Mr. Garg.

Anyhow. It’s a thing of the past now. I am ok now. As I write this.

Lemme talk about some good things that happened yesterday.

A. I worked on SoG book.
I am still not clear about how the output would look like but I did make a tough structure. This is how it looks like…

If you have any thoughts on this, please do feed me. I am still not sure of how the book will take shape. But I really want it to be a life manual for kids in their late teens, early 20s.

Any thoughts?

B. Saw this video about Miyamoto Musashi and his life and his teachings.
Super super inspired. I think these Japanese were ahead of their times and the lessons are still relevant. Of course, how they lived is literally impossible for someone like me to ape but I can pull some lessons from there and implement them in my life.

Among other things, I am amazed at the similarities between his life and that of stoics and non-religious ascetics. In the absence of any attachments, you probably get to a higher plane and do more with your life!

C. Saw some documentaries before I slept.
And I think it worked well. In the sense that from despair and cluelessness, I was immediately transposed into a zone where I was left amazed and inspired. I mean there’s so much about the world that I dont know about. And like a child in the candy bar I was left wanting more.

D. I wandered on my Roam.
Most of my life is now cataloged on Roam. Even if there are things that are out of Roam, they are all linked in there. Yesterday when I was spaced out, I whipped out my Roam and spent an hour or so flipping from one page to another and fixing things, tinkering things, and thinking about those things.

It was fascinating to see my brain in action. Lol. It’s not a comment on the greatness of my brain. But the way interconnected thoughts pop-up. In a loose manner, it was great to see how one thought could trigger another. And then another. Without any apparent effort. The human brain is a kickass thing. I wish I had in me to go beyond the basic curiosity!

Guess this is it for the day. Like I said, I am ok now. Time to get on with the day and get some work done.

Oh, today is India’s independence day. From being that jingoist nationalistic patriot to almost forgetting the importance of 15th August, I have come far! Yeah, judge me. But I think I am done with showing off these affiliations. More on this #someday.

Guess this is about it. Over and out.

Here’s streaks.

OMAD – 0. Ate like a pig yesterday.
#book2 – 0. Worked on SoG Book.
#noCoke – 157
#noCoffee – 0. Had three. 2X Venti. Tall. All three Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 4703
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 247

140821 – Morning Pages

A shortPost to start the day. Minds blank and I dont know what to write. So, short post.

7:00. Woke up a few minutes ago. The highlight of yesterday has to be that I could manage OMAD. Even though I ate a ton of crap while I ate yesterday, but I ate it all in one go. And no ice cream. No sandwiches. No snacks before or after that. If I can do OMAD today again, I think I can start a streak. Plus, it’s a well-established fact that unless I have someone apart from me, I can’t work out. I will need a coach or something for when I start the workout. The only thing I can do for the time being is to control what I eat. So that. Need to try and eat only one time today. And maybe, whatever I decide to eat, I will try and order something “healthy”.

So that.

The highlight of yesterday was a meeting with a writer to talk about a short film that we may get to make at RCP and C4E. While I may not agree with a lot of things that people are doing with the film, I think I am one of those that let others decide and do things. You know, I dont interfere and pile on random ideas that I am brimming with all the time. I just hope that I am able to make my own film someday. The way things are going, I think it’s tough.

Brings me to another thing that is buried somewhere in my conscious. A head-on plunge into the world of films. I have thought that once I have taken care of my debt and I have enough in the bank to live without pay for 3 years, I will plunge into the world of filmmaking. Like head-on. And do things for free if I have to. But will be in the thick of things and start from the bottom up, if required. I would be 40+ in all probability unless some miracle happens. But whenever that happens, I will be there. Late bloomers you know. #lifeGoal!

And then I will give 5ish years or so to films before jumping the gun and going back to the next profession. Lol! WTF am I on? I think I remain as fickle-minded as I was since I was a kid.

Sigh. No more words.

Anyhow. Time to get going with the day. Here’s streaks

OMAD – 1
#book2 – 0. Have missed this three days in a row. Thankfully Starbucks is open today. And thus I can try and get some words on. Let’s see.
#noCoke – 156
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 1030
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 2
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 246

130821 – Morning Pages

A dump of things that I spent a lot of time mulling over yesterday. I think this is what Living in Public really is!

8:28. Starbucks. Friday the 13th. I just hope this day goes ok! You know, superstition and all that.

So here are the things at the top of my head. In no order…

A. Walked 10K after ages.
Even ran a bit. Not ran. Hobbled. For about 300 meters. And then panted like a cow in Delhi’s garmi. Did half-pushups. Just need to get consistent with it. Lol. This consistency is my Achilles Heel. I am great at doing great things in spurts. But I suck when it comes to doing things for long, I suck. #sgQuirks. So, need to fix this.

After the walk, I was missing Diet Coke so much that I decided that I will break the 150-day streak and have one. And I even made my mind to get a frozen one, pour in a glass and savor the taste.

And then I did not. Yay! #win

Here’s a promise. If I reach the Base Camp in one piece, I would get a Diet Coke for myself. So let’s see.

B. Away from Bom.
It is starting to hit home that I will be away from Mumbai for some 2-3 months. I was away last year as well when I lived in Goa but I still had a house and my things were here. This time, I am moving lock, stock, and barrel. In the sense, I am putting my things in a godown and letting go of the house I have here. So, come to think of it, it’s like letting go of the city that I have come to love. For the freedom, access, opportunities, friends, love-interests, hopes, miracles, tears, sea, misal-pao, and more that Mumbai gave me.

No, I am not going away for good. I have to make it in the films business. And startups. And teaching. Lol. A million things yet again. Mumbai is where I would be.

Or maybe not. I mean if I get away from Mumbai, I would either be in Goa. Or out of India. Goa is more of a state of mind where things are slow and all that. But come to think of it, the only one thing that is keeping me back here is M. She may move on as well in the next few months. Post that, who cares where I am.

Wait. Isn’t life like that? You plan plan plan plan and more plan. For the future. And then it creeps up on you so slow that one fine day, you realize you are 38 and you are still planning for the future. What future? At 38, people retire!

C. Applied to a few jobs (I dont know why) last night on Linkedin.
In exactly the same heart-less, mind-less manner that I approach my attempts to find a relationship on dating apps.

I mean I like the idea of a gig that gives me a lot of money. I like the idea of being in a relationship that gives me joy. Not that I am dying hungry. Not that I am joyless.

Thing is, I know I want to do better than where I am. I know I need to get more stable. I know I need a companion. I know I need more than what I have. And yet, all I do is heartless, half-baked attempts at fixing things.

I dont know a way out. But that.

D. Writing.
I did not write on book2. Neither on SoG Book. Damn.

If I have decided that writing is going to be my thing, I must push myself. I must wake up each day with the intent of pushing my craft! For without that, I dont know why I exist.

E. Self-respect.
Yesterday, I got into this weird conversation with someone I care for. Even though I know that my attempts at patching things will not lead to fruition, I still tried. And as a result, I was left with heartburn.

Not cool at all. I must work to get my self-respect quotient high. I shouldn’t do these stupid things. And these have been happening with increasing frequency. Need to fix it.

Will work on this over the next few days. Need to become more stoic.

So that.
Living in Public!
A list of things on the top of my head.
A lot to fix. May be over the next few days.

Here’s streaks as I start the day.

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday as well. Missed for 2 days in a row.
#noCoke – 155
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 1. Finally got 10K steps in. After 2 weeks.
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 245

120821 – Morning Pages

If you read this beyond the evident layer, you would see that I am literally screaming for help. Or am I?

6:20. Woke a few minutes ago.

Little mindfucked about how things are at my end. Both at work front. And on the personal front. Sadly I can’t talk about either on this post. I know I want to live in public and be open and honest about things but most of my misery and mind-fuckery has been caused by others. Or, should I say, my expectations from others?

Wait.

That’s something I can fix. What I expect from others. And how I react to things when what I expect does not come my way. A large part of what Aurelius taught was this. You know, you suffer more in imagination than in reality. I am otherwise amazing. I am a man of free will (well, almost). I have enough food on my plate. I can afford expensive coffee on a daily basis. And yet I am miserable. So, I think I need to work on making my inner game strong.

I know. Easier said than done. I dont even know what to do to get stronger. Any clues anyone? Wait. No one’s reading these. I am by myself. So what clues. Sigh.

Ok. Changing tracks.

I used to write these letters to people where I would share things I’ve learned from others. You know, SoG Letters. Here’s a complete list. Yesterday someone replied to one of the letters from two years ago. In that email, she packed in so much advice and inputs in that email that I ended up doing 10 half-pushups (with my knees on the floor). If I can do 40 more during the day, I would’ve probably ganga-nahaoed. Ok. Wait. Lemme do 10 more. Done. I am a bit woozy. But done! Yay! 20 half-pushups! I just need to do this every day. Maybe I will stack it as a habit. Every time I publish this post, I will do 10. Lol! Who’d say I am 38! Anyhow. So, thanks to this email, I have decided that I will compile some of those letters in the book. I have tried multiple times in the past and have failed. I must compile these letters into SoG Book. Come what may! #toDo

Maybe instead of working on book2, I could work on SoG book every day in the morning for the next 30 odd days? At least I can make it publishing-ready? Hmmm. Interesting thought. Lemme think about this while in the shower. Sounds like a good idea. At least I would ship something. Book2 is anyway delayed by like 7 years. I dont think anyone is missing it. #toThink

So that.

Ok. I am back after a break. Showered and all that. At a Starbucks. Still on the fence about what I want to do (Book2 or SoG Book) till I go away from the grid. I mean I will be with a few other people but I would not be reachable apart from those people. I will work on SoG Book from 8:30 on. Let’s see if I am fully engaged with it.

That’s about it. See you guys on the other side.

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday.
#noCoke – 154
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 244

110821 – Morning Pages

Wrote for 30 minutes. Most of what I wrote today does not make sense. But I still had to write these pages. Streaks, you know.

7:17. Woke up about 20 minutes ago. Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Woke up three times to get water, when it got too hot, and one time for no reason. This is the second or third day on the trot when I haven’t been able to sleep well. Is it the coffee? Or some other stress? Or maybe I am not ~~working out~~ walking and thus I am not tired enough?

I’d try to reflect on this and see where this ends.

Apart from this, the mind’s blank. I mean there’s a lot happening at work. To a point that I have literally no time to think of anything else. And on top, I’ve added #book2. I’ve even tried to hire someone to be an assistant for the book. Let’s see if that works out. Matlab it’s on. Full power. Maybe I am too occupied to think these?

Ok, wait. Lemme use bullet points to talk about things am thinking about. A free stream of thoughts. Some of these could be rants. So please excuse.

Need to shift out things from this house in this week. So I need to call Paras to help me. Yeah, I need someone to help me with things. I am otherwise unable to do things.
Because I am so deeply engaged with a project, I have not been able to give time to other projects that are dear to me. It’s like choosing one child over others. There’s way too much load at work. I need to find a solution. I can be assertive and put on paper that I dont have the time to deliver. Or I can continue to let this run for another month or so. Post that I am anyway on a break and thus will get a reprive. But then the respite will be from this one project. All others would still remain pending. Dunno what to do. Either I compartmentalise my life. Or I let go of a few. Let go, I cant. I need the money. And I need to support the others. Compartmentalise, I can try. Let’s see.
Since I changed the website structure, the only person that reads this blog has been having a hard time reading. I need to find a solution. I am told its merely about refreshing the cache. But why should I be the one refreshing it?
I need to buy a new chappal. I got one from Bata. It’s heavy and uncomfortable. Maybe this is why I am not walking as much? I want to buy something light, something that doesnt fuck my feet as I try and walk 20K steps in a day. One option is to buy some expensive chappal. The other is to start wearing shoes on a day to day basis. But then, I hate shoes. Maybe I will buy some expensive brand, hoping that the research and design team at the expensive brand would’ve thought about comfort, ergonimics etc. Which one do you prefer?
The question like the one I asked above, normally, I would goto twitter and insta and I would use the hive mind of the Internet to give me the answers. While I did not get answers a lot, I would still get some. Since I am away from these SM platforms, I am sort of missing out on these answers. I thought about it. The trade-off works ok for me, to be honest. I mean I may not get the answers but I am not wasting time (which, increasingly I dont have time). I just need to figure out things when I do come back on twitter and instagram. The social networks clearly add value – you get to meet more people, you get a word out, a large community sort of helps you out. And so on and so forth. So that.
I need to make my writing better. In the sense that even though I have been writing for more than 17 years now, none of my pieces has gone viral. No, I dont chase virality per se. But I know that my words need to go beyond where they are right now. The reach is what will help me do more in life. And if I cant leverage my writing to take me to more places, I dont even know why am I writing. I mean I am writing to remain sane in this wierd world but there has to be more. No?

Ok. Time to get working on book2. But I am glad that I got a few words in. Here’s the streaks.

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 2
#noCoke – 153
#noCoffee – 0. Had one. Venti. Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 424
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 243