160821 – Morning Pages

A shortPost on what I am changing in my life from today on!

8:09. Starbucks.
I changed something today. I dint write as soon as I woke up. Rather, I puttered around. Played some chess (lost both the games). Did 12 Surya Namaskaras (yay!). And then reached Starbucks.

And here I am. On my morning pages. And I will write till 8:30. Sharp. And then 5 minutes to tag things in my notes. And then work. I think I can do with this routine.

So the highlight of yesterday has to be that I walked for a bit and went and sat at the seaside at Versova. This is what I will miss once I am not in Mumbai. To be honest, it was tough to be with myself. But I managed for a few minutes and it was indeed a good thing.

I also had a Frooti (or was it a Slice?) yesterday once I came back from the walk. I was dying to have a Diet Coke. I dont know what it is about staring at the sea and Diet Coke. I had to have one. But then, streaks. So I replaced it with whatever non-fizzy, non-sugary thing the store had. And somehow I settled on a mango-drink.

And yeah, it was tasty. I had had one after I dont know how long.

In other news, I did a session with a few young people I work with. The youngest was 19. Oldest, 25. There were 6 of them and I talked to them about SoG Book. This was my attempt at researching for the book. The kind of things they want to read and understand. It was fascinating to talk to them. I realized that what I have on SoG is not something that these kids would want to read. They of course have questions and doubts and all in their heads. But what I have is entirely different from what they want. So, back to the drawing board.

Starting Keto from today. And I started SNs as well. Enough. I think the darkness of the last few days is being caused by the kachra I am eating. So I am going to fix it. It is tough with all the ease and accessibility and all that. I will fall back to the age-old tested methods of chewing onto chewing gum all the time, drinking water all the time, and eating OMAD. I somehow need to stop with the stress eating. I can’t really control stress – there are things in my life that I am missing. There are things in life that could be better. But I know that I can’t control those. So, why bother.

Rather, fix the reaction to the stress. You know, not succumb to stress!

So that.

Ok. 8:32. Time to get on with the day. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 1. Did some work on SoG Book.
  • #noCoke – 158
  • #noCoffee – 1. Had none. Had chai rather.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 4540
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0. Did 12 rounds today. If I manage tomorrow, I will add to the streaks.
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 248

150821 – Morning Pages

A shortnote on how yesterday was. And the good and bad and the ugly of being me.

8:44. Starbucks.

Yesterday was a bad bad day. Kept faking that things are ok. They weren’t. Couldn’t focus on work. Couldn’t center my mind. Couldn’t get attention on one thing. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t function. Was to meet someone. I chose to not do it. Thankfully it was a Saturday and no one needed my attention. So I could get by without talking to anymore. I can’t afford to have these dark days on a workday. I would get rogered.

Come to think of it, there’s nothing wrong with me per se. Life seems to be going ok. People I care for are healthy and happy. I have some money in the bank (even though it’s still debt) and I know more is on the way. There is some work that keeps me engaged. There are challenges with it but none that I would lose my sleep over. Or get spaced out the way I am right now was yesterday. Today I am far better.

I dont even know what triggered it. I was awesome in the morning. Spoke to a friend that I would shack up with in Japan if I go there. Made myself Maggi for brunch. Ate some more kachra. Caught an afternoon nap. And then was back to work. Somewhere between making myself Maggi and getting to work, the switch just flipped. The equanimity in my head turned into darkness. And it kept me engulfed. Till I woke up today.

I was fucked to a point that I couldn’t breathe. Not exaggerating. I had to step out in the afternoon. I went to the Starbucks at the airport. I had to be outside. Could it be the lockdown that’s taking a toll on me? Now? After when everything is open? Lol, Mr. Garg.

Anyhow. It’s a thing of the past now. I am ok now. As I write this.

Lemme talk about some good things that happened yesterday.

A. I worked on SoG book.
I am still not clear about how the output would look like but I did make a tough structure. This is how it looks like…

If you have any thoughts on this, please do feed me. I am still not sure of how the book will take shape. But I really want it to be a life manual for kids in their late teens, early 20s.

Any thoughts?

B. Saw this video about Miyamoto Musashi and his life and his teachings.
Super super inspired. I think these Japanese were ahead of their times and the lessons are still relevant. Of course, how they lived is literally impossible for someone like me to ape but I can pull some lessons from there and implement them in my life.

Among other things, I am amazed at the similarities between his life and that of stoics and non-religious ascetics. In the absence of any attachments, you probably get to a higher plane and do more with your life!

C. Saw some documentaries before I slept.
And I think it worked well. In the sense that from despair and cluelessness, I was immediately transposed into a zone where I was left amazed and inspired. I mean there’s so much about the world that I dont know about. And like a child in the candy bar I was left wanting more.

D. I wandered on my Roam.
Most of my life is now cataloged on Roam. Even if there are things that are out of Roam, they are all linked in there. Yesterday when I was spaced out, I whipped out my Roam and spent an hour or so flipping from one page to another and fixing things, tinkering things, and thinking about those things.

It was fascinating to see my brain in action. Lol. It’s not a comment on the greatness of my brain. But the way interconnected thoughts pop-up. In a loose manner, it was great to see how one thought could trigger another. And then another. Without any apparent effort. The human brain is a kickass thing. I wish I had in me to go beyond the basic curiosity!


Guess this is it for the day. Like I said, I am ok now. Time to get on with the day and get some work done.

Oh, today is India’s independence day. From being that jingoist nationalistic patriot to almost forgetting the importance of 15th August, I have come far! Yeah, judge me. But I think I am done with showing off these affiliations. More on this #someday.

Guess this is about it. Over and out.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0. Ate like a pig yesterday.
  • #book2 – 0. Worked on SoG Book.
  • #noCoke – 157
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had three. 2X Venti. Tall. All three Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 4703
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 247

140821 – Morning Pages

A shortPost to start the day. Minds blank and I dont know what to write. So, short post.

7:00. Woke up a few minutes ago. The highlight of yesterday has to be that I could manage OMAD. Even though I ate a ton of crap while I ate yesterday, but I ate it all in one go. And no ice cream. No sandwiches. No snacks before or after that. If I can do OMAD today again, I think I can start a streak. Plus, it’s a well-established fact that unless I have someone apart from me, I can’t work out. I will need a coach or something for when I start the workout. The only thing I can do for the time being is to control what I eat. So that. Need to try and eat only one time today. And maybe, whatever I decide to eat, I will try and order something “healthy”.

So that.

The highlight of yesterday was a meeting with a writer to talk about a short film that we may get to make at RCP and C4E. While I may not agree with a lot of things that people are doing with the film, I think I am one of those that let others decide and do things. You know, I dont interfere and pile on random ideas that I am brimming with all the time. I just hope that I am able to make my own film someday. The way things are going, I think it’s tough.

Brings me to another thing that is buried somewhere in my conscious. A head-on plunge into the world of films. I have thought that once I have taken care of my debt and I have enough in the bank to live without pay for 3 years, I will plunge into the world of filmmaking. Like head-on. And do things for free if I have to. But will be in the thick of things and start from the bottom up, if required. I would be 40+ in all probability unless some miracle happens. But whenever that happens, I will be there. Late bloomers you know. #lifeGoal!

And then I will give 5ish years or so to films before jumping the gun and going back to the next profession. Lol! WTF am I on? I think I remain as fickle-minded as I was since I was a kid.

Sigh. No more words.

Anyhow. Time to get going with the day. Here’s streaks

  • OMAD – 1
  • #book2 – 0. Have missed this three days in a row. Thankfully Starbucks is open today. And thus I can try and get some words on. Let’s see.
  • #noCoke – 156
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1030
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 246

130821 – Morning Pages

A dump of things that I spent a lot of time mulling over yesterday. I think this is what Living in Public really is!

8:28. Starbucks. Friday the 13th. I just hope this day goes ok! You know, superstition and all that.

So here are the things at the top of my head. In no order…

A. Walked 10K after ages.
Even ran a bit. Not ran. Hobbled. For about 300 meters. And then panted like a cow in Delhi’s garmi. Did half-pushups. Just need to get consistent with it. Lol. This consistency is my Achilles Heel. I am great at doing great things in spurts. But I suck when it comes to doing things for long, I suck. #sgQuirks. So, need to fix this.

After the walk, I was missing Diet Coke so much that I decided that I will break the 150-day streak and have one. And I even made my mind to get a frozen one, pour in a glass and savor the taste.

And then I did not. Yay! #win

Here’s a promise. If I reach the Base Camp in one piece, I would get a Diet Coke for myself. So let’s see.

B. Away from Bom.
It is starting to hit home that I will be away from Mumbai for some 2-3 months. I was away last year as well when I lived in Goa but I still had a house and my things were here. This time, I am moving lock, stock, and barrel. In the sense, I am putting my things in a godown and letting go of the house I have here. So, come to think of it, it’s like letting go of the city that I have come to love. For the freedom, access, opportunities, friends, love-interests, hopes, miracles, tears, sea, misal-pao, and more that Mumbai gave me.

No, I am not going away for good. I have to make it in the films business. And startups. And teaching. Lol. A million things yet again. Mumbai is where I would be.

Or maybe not. I mean if I get away from Mumbai, I would either be in Goa. Or out of India. Goa is more of a state of mind where things are slow and all that. But come to think of it, the only one thing that is keeping me back here is M. She may move on as well in the next few months. Post that, who cares where I am.

Wait. Isn’t life like that? You plan plan plan plan and more plan. For the future. And then it creeps up on you so slow that one fine day, you realize you are 38 and you are still planning for the future. What future? At 38, people retire!

C. Applied to a few jobs (I dont know why) last night on Linkedin.
In exactly the same heart-less, mind-less manner that I approach my attempts to find a relationship on dating apps.

I mean I like the idea of a gig that gives me a lot of money. I like the idea of being in a relationship that gives me joy. Not that I am dying hungry. Not that I am joyless.

Thing is, I know I want to do better than where I am. I know I need to get more stable. I know I need a companion. I know I need more than what I have. And yet, all I do is heartless, half-baked attempts at fixing things.

I dont know a way out. But that.

D. Writing.
I did not write on book2. Neither on SoG Book. Damn.

If I have decided that writing is going to be my thing, I must push myself. I must wake up each day with the intent of pushing my craft! For without that, I dont know why I exist.

E. Self-respect.
Yesterday, I got into this weird conversation with someone I care for. Even though I know that my attempts at patching things will not lead to fruition, I still tried. And as a result, I was left with heartburn.

Not cool at all. I must work to get my self-respect quotient high. I shouldn’t do these stupid things. And these have been happening with increasing frequency. Need to fix it.

Will work on this over the next few days. Need to become more stoic.


So that.
Living in Public!
A list of things on the top of my head.
A lot to fix. May be over the next few days.

Here’s streaks as I start the day.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday as well. Missed for 2 days in a row.
  • #noCoke – 155
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1. Finally got 10K steps in. After 2 weeks.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 245

120821 – Morning Pages

If you read this beyond the evident layer, you would see that I am literally screaming for help. Or am I?

6:20. Woke a few minutes ago.

Little mindfucked about how things are at my end. Both at work front. And on the personal front. Sadly I can’t talk about either on this post. I know I want to live in public and be open and honest about things but most of my misery and mind-fuckery has been caused by others. Or, should I say, my expectations from others?

Wait.

That’s something I can fix. What I expect from others. And how I react to things when what I expect does not come my way. A large part of what Aurelius taught was this. You know, you suffer more in imagination than in reality. I am otherwise amazing. I am a man of free will (well, almost). I have enough food on my plate. I can afford expensive coffee on a daily basis. And yet I am miserable. So, I think I need to work on making my inner game strong.

I know. Easier said than done. I dont even know what to do to get stronger. Any clues anyone? Wait. No one’s reading these. I am by myself. So what clues. Sigh.

Ok. Changing tracks.

I used to write these letters to people where I would share things I’ve learned from others. You know, SoG Letters. Here’s a complete list. Yesterday someone replied to one of the letters from two years ago. In that email, she packed in so much advice and inputs in that email that I ended up doing 10 half-pushups (with my knees on the floor). If I can do 40 more during the day, I would’ve probably ganga-nahaoed. Ok. Wait. Lemme do 10 more. Done. I am a bit woozy. But done! Yay! 20 half-pushups! I just need to do this every day. Maybe I will stack it as a habit. Every time I publish this post, I will do 10. Lol! Who’d say I am 38! Anyhow. So, thanks to this email, I have decided that I will compile some of those letters in the book. I have tried multiple times in the past and have failed. I must compile these letters into SoG Book. Come what may! #toDo

Maybe instead of working on book2, I could work on SoG book every day in the morning for the next 30 odd days? At least I can make it publishing-ready? Hmmm. Interesting thought. Lemme think about this while in the shower. Sounds like a good idea. At least I would ship something. Book2 is anyway delayed by like 7 years. I dont think anyone is missing it. #toThink

So that.

Ok. I am back after a break. Showered and all that. At a Starbucks. Still on the fence about what I want to do (Book2 or SoG Book) till I go away from the grid. I mean I will be with a few other people but I would not be reachable apart from those people. I will work on SoG Book from 8:30 on. Let’s see if I am fully engaged with it.

That’s about it. See you guys on the other side.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday.
  • #noCoke – 154
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 244

110821 – Morning Pages

Wrote for 30 minutes. Most of what I wrote today does not make sense. But I still had to write these pages. Streaks, you know.

7:17. Woke up about 20 minutes ago. Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Woke up three times to get water, when it got too hot, and one time for no reason. This is the second or third day on the trot when I haven’t been able to sleep well. Is it the coffee? Or some other stress? Or maybe I am not working out walking and thus I am not tired enough?

I’d try to reflect on this and see where this ends.

Apart from this, the mind’s blank. I mean there’s a lot happening at work. To a point that I have literally no time to think of anything else. And on top, I’ve added #book2. I’ve even tried to hire someone to be an assistant for the book. Let’s see if that works out. Matlab it’s on. Full power. Maybe I am too occupied to think these?

Ok, wait. Lemme use bullet points to talk about things am thinking about. A free stream of thoughts. Some of these could be rants. So please excuse.

  1. Need to shift out things from this house in this week. So I need to call Paras to help me. Yeah, I need someone to help me with things. I am otherwise unable to do things.
  2. Because I am so deeply engaged with a project, I have not been able to give time to other projects that are dear to me. It’s like choosing one child over others. There’s way too much load at work. I need to find a solution. I can be assertive and put on paper that I dont have the time to deliver. Or I can continue to let this run for another month or so. Post that I am anyway on a break and thus will get a reprive. But then the respite will be from this one project. All others would still remain pending. Dunno what to do. Either I compartmentalise my life. Or I let go of a few. Let go, I cant. I need the money. And I need to support the others. Compartmentalise, I can try. Let’s see.
  3. Since I changed the website structure, the only person that reads this blog has been having a hard time reading. I need to find a solution. I am told its merely about refreshing the cache. But why should I be the one refreshing it?
  4. I need to buy a new chappal. I got one from Bata. It’s heavy and uncomfortable. Maybe this is why I am not walking as much? I want to buy something light, something that doesnt fuck my feet as I try and walk 20K steps in a day. One option is to buy some expensive chappal. The other is to start wearing shoes on a day to day basis. But then, I hate shoes. Maybe I will buy some expensive brand, hoping that the research and design team at the expensive brand would’ve thought about comfort, ergonimics etc. Which one do you prefer?
  5. The question like the one I asked above, normally, I would goto twitter and insta and I would use the hive mind of the Internet to give me the answers. While I did not get answers a lot, I would still get some. Since I am away from these SM platforms, I am sort of missing out on these answers. I thought about it. The trade-off works ok for me, to be honest. I mean I may not get the answers but I am not wasting time (which, increasingly I dont have time). I just need to figure out things when I do come back on twitter and instagram. The social networks clearly add value – you get to meet more people, you get a word out, a large community sort of helps you out. And so on and so forth. So that.
  6. I need to make my writing better. In the sense that even though I have been writing for more than 17 years now, none of my pieces has gone viral. No, I dont chase virality per se. But I know that my words need to go beyond where they are right now. The reach is what will help me do more in life. And if I cant leverage my writing to take me to more places, I dont even know why am I writing. I mean I am writing to remain sane in this wierd world but there has to be more. No?

Ok. Time to get working on book2. But I am glad that I got a few words in. Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 2
  • #noCoke – 153
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had one. Venti. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 424
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 243

100821 – Morning Pages

Quick rant before I start the day. Nothing special in here. You may skip reading this.

7:27. Woke a few minutes ago. Feel ok. Void of any inspiration though. I dont know what’s wrong. The joie de vivre is gone. I am merely going through the motions per se. I hope it comes back at some point. Thing is, some days I am freakishly productive. And then somedays I am so so so inept that it’s a task to even get out of the bed. Today I guess it is more of the inept kind of day. Hope it picks up during the day. Oh, must mention that I have started to track things with Nomie. I am not regular but I like to log things in there.

Lemme talk more about how I spend my day. The best part of my day is when I am out of the house I live in. There’s only one place that I can go to that doesn’t make it weird. Starbucks. These are the times when I wish I had memberships to these fancy clubs where I could go and be myself. But then, money. Sigh. So back to the track. I hate it at this house. I am good when I am at a Starbucks. But then it’s a coffee shop. I can spend 3-4 hours tops there. To a point that I start feeling weird myself after about an hour or so. And then I am compelled to get out. And since the offices are still shut, I dont know what to do. In the sense, the only thing I can do is come back to the house. And the moment I enter, the energy levels droop so low that I dont know what to do about it. I literally sleep, procrastinate, get into this negative spiral that doesn’t have a bottom. The place where you live has such a large effect on your well-being. It’s not funny. And now that I am better informed, once I need to find a house for myself, I will ensure that I spend all the time thinking about it.

Ok. Done with the rant.

In the good things yesterday, I wrote for a bit on book2. It was the highlight of the otherwise drab day. And I loved it. I loved how I could create images in my head and all that. It was tough, to be honest, but I enjoyed the grind. The effort to think was taxing. And refreshing at the same time. I have to find a way to make a living with this! I plan to do the same today. From 8ish till about 10. Even though I dont write a lot of words per se but I like how a world gets created in my head. And then, of course, the effort to chart that world on paper.

And yeah, I am so looking forward to it. You know, going to a Starbucks and writing. In fact, the one I go to opens at 8. If I had my way, I would be at a Starbucks as soon as I wake up. And work for 4 hours or so and then do nothing (and do things like going for walks, working out, meeting people etc). Lol, wishful thinking.

Actually no. At some point, I will reach that point. I dont know when. I just hope it’s soon. I mean I am almost 40. And to date, I think about the future as if I am going to live forever. Right now, am half past my useful age and I dont know when that time would come when I would not work for money. Pretty somber. Damn.

Ok. I think I need to move on with things. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 152
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had one. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 3000 + 450 + 465 + 143 + 30 (4118)
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 242

090821 – Morning Pages

Quick note before I dive head-on into a long day ahead.

6:41. Woke up a few minutes ago. Today’s gonna be a long long day. To a point that I dont have a single minute to spare till about 6 PM. It’s one of those when everything seems to have come together to pack the calendar so chock-a-block that I can’t even die!

So, my mind’s blank.
Lemme talk of inane things.

It’s raining right now. It hasn’t rained in a few days. I just love it when it rains. I am not sure what about it though. I know things go wet. You catch a cold. The nose gets choked. The clothes dont dry and they start to stink. And yet I love it! Given an option, I would live at a place where it rains all the time. Lol. As they say, what you wish for.

Ok. I know what to talk about. Yesterday, yet another filmmaker rejected #tnks. He’s not the first and I know he’s not the last. I will keep trying. I know the film may not do well – there are way too many layers and the story is way too simple. But at some point in time, I shall get it made. Let’s see when. #lifeGoal, you know!

That reminds me, I have to start work on #book2 today. My millionth attempt. A lot of things have come together to make this happen. Lemme talk about those.

  1. I need to have an incredible success to open doors for me. I need it. I want it. I deserve it. There is no other thing that I have in my hand that I control by myself that could get successful.
  2. Logistically, the slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is vacant. So I need to fill that in.
  3. I have a lot pent up inside me. I use this blog for venting a few feelings / thoughts. But I need to channelise my energy. So I shall.

Honestly, I dont even know where I am in the story. I mean I recall the broad plot that it’s a treasure hunt based in Goa that spans three timelines and there’s 9 characters inspired by Navrasas and by Mahabharata. I know I am trying a lot. I know I dont even have a story per se. But whatever it is. Will write. I will get a few words in every day. Build it up. And see where I land. The world celebrates and rewards success and output more than anything else. So need to do that.

My only worry is that I may fall off once I hit a wall. And then once I am incommunicado for 15 days in September. I am thinking, I will make a board of directors, etc that will help me stay on track (I will send them updates about the book every day). If you want to encourage me to write this book, lemme know. I will add you to a list of people that I use as beta readers as I write the book. Send me a message here.

In other news, at a whim, yesterday I decided that I will work out of Kathmandu for a few days in October. SG2 thinks that it may not be a good place to live (she says there’s too much pollution, too much traffic, a lot of disorganized mess et al). Let’s see what my research uncovers. Will start planning and figuring it out over the next few days. And if Kathmandu is not happening, I will for sure try to work from someplace apart from Delhi (even though I would love the Delhi mausam in October and beyond – you know, nip in the air and all that?).

Thing is, I am probably trying to run away. I think I have the inability to face my demons and every time I hit a crisis, I need a change in scenery. From moving out of the house (to a coffee shop), to hitting the road (at every opportunity I get), I like the idea of remaining on the move all the time. I think I am suited for becoming a long-haul trucker! In fact, may be this move away from Mumbai is a move in that direction? I am suffering clearly and there is no end in sight. Maybe this move will help me? Let’s see.

And here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 151
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Both Americanos.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 200 + 200 + 135 + 140 + 381 + 206 + 445 + 190 (1897)
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 241

080821 – Morning Pages

I talk about being Indian, Neeraj Chopra’s Gold Medal, Speaking Well, Dr. Peterson and more. And some shower-thoughts and wants!

6:34. Long day ahead. Lots of work. That’s what happens when I take a break for a day or so. But then I cant complain about how I spent yesterday. It was a good day, to be honest. I met M and it is fascinating to see her grow and discover and fight for and find her place in the world. I wish I had more understanding when it comes to kids and all that. And I wish I would assert more on how kids that matter to me are brought up. Wishful thinking.

Anyhow. I just wish I had the money and time and lack of ambition to live a day yesterday often. I mean a day spent with leisure and all that. More on #echochamber.

Moving on.

I woke up a few minutes ago. Two things that I am thinking about are, 1, Neeraj Chopra’s Gold medal at Olympics 2020. And 2, this video by Dr. Peterson as soon as I woke up. In this, he talks about how misery could be a source of your inspiration. Lemme talk about these two.

I saw the Tiranga getting raised to the top and then the national anthem being played at Tokyo. It was a heartening sight. Made me think about how things and time change. And how I have changed with time. There was a time when I was as staunch and as hardened Indian as they come. I believed in our supremacy. I was blinded to the mistakes we made as a country and as a society. I would dismiss the apparent flaws in our culture. I would love the “chalta hai” way to respond to things. I would take wows to make us proud and reclaim the lost glory we’d grown up reading about. You know, before the time invaders starting plundering our “great” nation.

But then, over the last few years, something changed me. May be I became more aware. May be I got more “educated”. Maybe society became more extremist, more hardened. May be, I saw how other cultures and societies are “better”.

Somewhere, I lost the fanaticism I had for India. Of course, I remain proud and grateful that I am an Indian. I know I can’t change that about myself. But I do now think and wish and hope and pray that I could live in a different country and a different place. There are multiple reasons for this. For starters, the very meaning of freedom / independence and being an Indian is lost. We are now a country of people blinded by religious dogma and blind extremism around religion. We are now a country where we celebrate the failure of others rather than the success of self. We want to become Atam Nirbhar in conduct and yet turn a blind eye to this conduct when faced with adversity. The right to speech is being taken away. The ability to do things is being made more and more difficult by the day. We are now deeply engaged in plastering everything we have with a photo of a man in a white beard and not concerned that the history books are re-written and laws of the land are being crafted that would put even the cavemen to recede deeper into the folds of the mountains. Even the athletes that are winning the medals are being ignored and the entire nation is captivated by the one phone call congratulating these athletes and their coaches.

Anyhow. I can rant for hours if I have to but I am not as well educated or informed. I am sure there are people that will justify the actions of people. After all, we know how to defend ourselves.

Lemme move on. Saw this video.

In this one, he says, resentment could be a great teacher. I think everything I feel that life’s being unfair and I am getting a raw hand in relationships or work and things, I would do 10 push-ups. Simple. I would make my resentment a road to fitness if nothing else. And then from there on, I will do whatever it takes to sort things.

So that.

I want to talk more about this resentment as fuel for life but not today. Need to start work. I do have to talk about something worth noting though. The ability to speak well. Dr. Peterson speaks so so well. It’s not funny how many times I let my rational / thinking mind ignore what he’s saying just because he speaks so well!

Staying this ability to speak well, yesterday I got talking about some of the best orators of Hindi as a language. Ashutosh Rana (this and this) comes to mind. Then VG told me about Kumar Vishwas (this). Rahat Indori Saab (I dont even know how many to link here) has been among the best orators ever. Even this from one of those nationalistic films is a great case of someone inducing goosebumps only via the power of words.

I really wish I could speak as well as these people.

I think I can decode these. There are two things at play here.

A, the content. I mean, these are great words, great poetry that is being narrated. The words themselves are goosebumps-inducing. The stories are inspirations.

And B, as important, the way they’ve been narrated. The passion, the pauses, the clarity of tone, the breathing, the speed, and all that. Ufff!

I need to get better at it. Point me to some source. PLEASE!

So yeah. That.

Lemme end today’s post with something that I have been thinking about, over the last few days. I even wrote about it on the 4th. The book I have been editing is done. And the time slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is now available. Should I just assume that it’s a sign (great proses, Dr. Peterson, my misery, my want for validation, my poverty et al) and create something for myself? I mean I am definitely not a one-hit-wonder and it’s high time I get going and work on something for myself. A book, a film, a large-ish project (like a Jigsaw Puzzle, a magnum opus or something). #note2self. Lemme try and start from tomorrow, even if I am supposed to take a break for a few days in Sep.

Let’s see. What. When. If.

That’s it for the day. Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 150
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Tall. Americanos.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 250 + 250 + 1500 + 257 (2257)
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 240

PS: I speculated that yesterday that ink in my system has run dry. But then I got back to writing these today, I realized I can rant a lot. Yay!

PPS: #showerThoughts. Had this really cool thought while showering today. Lemme give context. While brushing my teeth, I realized that I have these huge bags underneath my eyes. And this is probably because of the last two-three days of lack of sleep. Which is probably induced by too much coffee. So, what if I go to my local Starbucks and talk to the store manager and ask him that I am gonna sit there for 4 hours each day and NOT buy a coffee. Of course, I dont want to be a freeloader and thus I am happy to buy their merch / food. Or even donate. But I dont want to consume. Would they then allow me to sit at Starbucks and work? Let’s see. Will try on Monday.

070821 – Morning Pages

Struggled to write even 500 words! Minds gone blank 🙁

8:03. Living like a thug for the last few days. No work. No workout. No control over what I am eating. I even saw three films in the last 2 days. The Jackal, Nobody, and The 2nd. I am living like the ones with a comfortable salary. You know, working for large companies that allow for leisure and other such pursuits. And no, this is not cool. Need a whack in the back of the head. Come on, Mr. Garg.

Ok. I dont know what to talk about.

It’s 8 and I am blank. I can’t talk about yesterday. It was fairly pathetic. In the sense, lot of work, lot of food, lot of carbs, lot of procrastination, lot of longing, lot of lazing around, lot of unbecoming me. Sigh!

Today I plan to not use the laptop after these morning pages. I have somewhere to be. And I will be occupied till late night with it. So no work shall happen today. Will have to hustle up tomorrow. At the airport Starbucks. Lol, Mr. Garg.

I think I need some divine intervention or something. Too many days of too much chilling and all that. Guess I need to see more of Dr. Peterson!

Ok. I sincerely dont know what to write. Guess the ink has run dry? Or maybe it is the aftereffect of lazing for too long? Or maybe because I knew I was going to be chilling, I did not? Should I quit writing these?

Wait. This is all of 270 words. Lemme talk more.

So since I’ve woken up, I have done the following…

  1. Had Maggi for breakfast. Hell yeah!
  2. Helped a friend craft her CV.
  3. Wrote an email that needs to be sent to a client’s clients.
  4. Played a few games of chess. Lost most of those.
  5. Saw a few TED videos. There was one on Dunning-Kruger effect. Something that I think I suffer from.
  6. Send a few books to Rege. It was pending for a while.
  7. Read news. There’s nothing new in there.
  8. Seen this documentary on sextortion.
  9. Wrote a prompt for PPP. It is, “You and your partner land in a foreign land for your annual holiday. You are looking forward to a relaxed time where you are away from all the hustle and bustle. But as soon as you land, the cops come over. And…”.

Wow. A lot.

Ok. I am still at 400 odd words. Will not let the torture continue. Will take a break. Back tomorrow.

Here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 149
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Tall. Americanos.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – ?? (did not track)
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 239