Quick rant before I start the day. Nothing special in here. You may skip reading this.
7:27. Woke a few minutes ago. Feel ok. Void of any inspiration though. I dont know what’s wrong. The joie de vivre is gone. I am merely going through the motions per se. I hope it comes back at some point. Thing is, some days I am freakishly productive. And then somedays I am so so so inept that it’s a task to even get out of the bed. Today I guess it is more of the inept kind of day. Hope it picks up during the day. Oh, must mention that I have started to track things with Nomie. I am not regular but I like to log things in there.
Lemme talk more about how I spend my day. The best part of my day is when I am out of the house I live in. There’s only one place that I can go to that doesn’t make it weird. Starbucks. These are the times when I wish I had memberships to these fancy clubs where I could go and be myself. But then, money. Sigh. So back to the track. I hate it at this house. I am good when I am at a Starbucks. But then it’s a coffee shop. I can spend 3-4 hours tops there. To a point that I start feeling weird myself after about an hour or so. And then I am compelled to get out. And since the offices are still shut, I dont know what to do. In the sense, the only thing I can do is come back to the house. And the moment I enter, the energy levels droop so low that I dont know what to do about it. I literally sleep, procrastinate, get into this negative spiral that doesn’t have a bottom. The place where you live has such a large effect on your well-being. It’s not funny. And now that I am better informed, once I need to find a house for myself, I will ensure that I spend all the time thinking about it.
Ok. Done with the rant.
In the good things yesterday, I wrote for a bit on book2. It was the highlight of the otherwise drab day. And I loved it. I loved how I could create images in my head and all that. It was tough, to be honest, but I enjoyed the grind. The effort to think was taxing. And refreshing at the same time. I have to find a way to make a living with this! I plan to do the same today. From 8ish till about 10. Even though I dont write a lot of words per se but I like how a world gets created in my head. And then, of course, the effort to chart that world on paper.
And yeah, I am so looking forward to it. You know, going to a Starbucks and writing. In fact, the one I go to opens at 8. If I had my way, I would be at a Starbucks as soon as I wake up. And work for 4 hours or so and then do nothing (and do things like going for walks, working out, meeting people etc). Lol, wishful thinking.
Actually no. At some point, I will reach that point. I dont know when. I just hope it’s soon. I mean I am almost 40. And to date, I think about the future as if I am going to live forever. Right now, am half past my useful age and I dont know when that time would come when I would not work for money. Pretty somber. Damn.
Ok. I think I need to move on with things. Here’s streaks.
Quick note before I dive head-on into a long day ahead.
6:41. Woke up a few minutes ago. Today’s gonna be a long long day. To a point that I dont have a single minute to spare till about 6 PM. It’s one of those when everything seems to have come together to pack the calendar so chock-a-block that I can’t even die!
So, my mind’s blank. Lemme talk of inane things.
It’s raining right now. It hasn’t rained in a few days. I just love it when it rains. I am not sure what about it though. I know things go wet. You catch a cold. The nose gets choked. The clothes dont dry and they start to stink. And yet I love it! Given an option, I would live at a place where it rains all the time. Lol. As they say, what you wish for.
Ok. I know what to talk about. Yesterday, yet another filmmaker rejected #tnks. He’s not the first and I know he’s not the last. I will keep trying. I know the film may not do well – there are way too many layers and the story is way too simple. But at some point in time, I shall get it made. Let’s see when. #lifeGoal, you know!
That reminds me, I have to start work on #book2 today. My millionth attempt. A lot of things have come together to make this happen. Lemme talk about those.
I need to have an incredible success to open doors for me. I need it. I want it. I deserve it. There is no other thing that I have in my hand that I control by myself that could get successful.
Logistically, the slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is vacant. So I need to fill that in.
I have a lot pent up inside me. I use this blog for venting a few feelings / thoughts. But I need to channelise my energy. So I shall.
Honestly, I dont even know where I am in the story. I mean I recall the broad plot that it’s a treasure hunt based in Goa that spans three timelines and there’s 9 characters inspired by Navrasas and by Mahabharata. I know I am trying a lot. I know I dont even have a story per se. But whatever it is. Will write. I will get a few words in every day. Build it up. And see where I land. The world celebrates and rewards success and output more than anything else. So need to do that.
My only worry is that I may fall off once I hit a wall. And then once I am incommunicado for 15 days in September. I am thinking, I will make a board of directors, etc that will help me stay on track (I will send them updates about the book every day). If you want to encourage me to write this book, lemme know. I will add you to a list of people that I use as beta readers as I write the book. Send me a message here.
In other news, at a whim, yesterday I decided that I will work out of Kathmandu for a few days in October. SG2 thinks that it may not be a good place to live (she says there’s too much pollution, too much traffic, a lot of disorganized mess et al). Let’s see what my research uncovers. Will start planning and figuring it out over the next few days. And if Kathmandu is not happening, I will for sure try to work from someplace apart from Delhi (even though I would love the Delhi mausam in October and beyond – you know, nip in the air and all that?).
Thing is, I am probably trying to run away. I think I have the inability to face my demons and every time I hit a crisis, I need a change in scenery. From moving out of the house (to a coffee shop), to hitting the road (at every opportunity I get), I like the idea of remaining on the move all the time. I think I am suited for becoming a long-haul trucker! In fact, may be this move away from Mumbai is a move in that direction? I am suffering clearly and there is no end in sight. Maybe this move will help me? Let’s see.
And here’s streaks…
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 151
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Both Americanos.
I talk about being Indian, Neeraj Chopra’s Gold Medal, Speaking Well, Dr. Peterson and more. And some shower-thoughts and wants!
6:34. Long day ahead. Lots of work. That’s what happens when I take a break for a day or so. But then I cant complain about how I spent yesterday. It was a good day, to be honest. I met M and it is fascinating to see her grow and discover and fight for and find her place in the world. I wish I had more understanding when it comes to kids and all that. And I wish I would assert more on how kids that matter to me are brought up. Wishful thinking.
Anyhow. I just wish I had the money and time and lack of ambition to live a day yesterday often. I mean a day spent with leisure and all that. More on #echochamber.
Moving on.
I woke up a few minutes ago. Two things that I am thinking about are, 1, Neeraj Chopra’s Gold medal at Olympics 2020. And 2, this video by Dr. Peterson as soon as I woke up. In this, he talks about how misery could be a source of your inspiration. Lemme talk about these two.
I saw the Tiranga getting raised to the top and then the national anthem being played at Tokyo. It was a heartening sight. Made me think about how things and time change. And how I have changed with time. There was a time when I was as staunch and as hardened Indian as they come. I believed in our supremacy. I was blinded to the mistakes we made as a country and as a society. I would dismiss the apparent flaws in our culture. I would love the “chalta hai” way to respond to things. I would take wows to make us proud and reclaim the lost glory we’d grown up reading about. You know, before the time invaders starting plundering our “great” nation.
But then, over the last few years, something changed me. May be I became more aware. May be I got more “educated”. Maybe society became more extremist, more hardened. May be, I saw how other cultures and societies are “better”.
Somewhere, I lost the fanaticism I had for India. Of course, I remain proud and grateful that I am an Indian. I know I can’t change that about myself. But I do now think and wish and hope and pray that I could live in a different country and a different place. There are multiple reasons for this. For starters, the very meaning of freedom / independence and being an Indian is lost. We are now a country of people blinded by religious dogma and blind extremism around religion. We are now a country where we celebrate the failure of others rather than the success of self. We want to become Atam Nirbhar in conduct and yet turn a blind eye to this conduct when faced with adversity. The right to speech is being taken away. The ability to do things is being made more and more difficult by the day. We are now deeply engaged in plastering everything we have with a photo of a man in a white beard and not concerned that the history books are re-written and laws of the land are being crafted that would put even the cavemen to recede deeper into the folds of the mountains. Even the athletes that are winning the medals are being ignored and the entire nation is captivated by the one phone call congratulating these athletes and their coaches.
Anyhow. I can rant for hours if I have to but I am not as well educated or informed. I am sure there are people that will justify the actions of people. After all, we know how to defend ourselves.
In this one, he says, resentment could be a great teacher. I think everything I feel that life’s being unfair and I am getting a raw hand in relationships or work and things, I would do 10 push-ups. Simple. I would make my resentment a road to fitness if nothing else. And then from there on, I will do whatever it takes to sort things.
So that.
I want to talk more about this resentment as fuel for life but not today. Need to start work. I do have to talk about something worth noting though. The ability to speak well. Dr. Peterson speaks so so well. It’s not funny how many times I let my rational / thinking mind ignore what he’s saying just because he speaks so well!
Staying this ability to speak well, yesterday I got talking about some of the best orators of Hindi as a language. Ashutosh Rana (this and this) comes to mind. Then VG told me about Kumar Vishwas (this). Rahat Indori Saab (I dont even know how many to link here) has been among the best orators ever. Even this from one of those nationalistic films is a great case of someone inducing goosebumps only via the power of words.
I really wish I could speak as well as these people.
I think I can decode these. There are two things at play here.
A, the content. I mean, these are great words, great poetry that is being narrated. The words themselves are goosebumps-inducing. The stories are inspirations.
And B, as important, the way they’ve been narrated. The passion, the pauses, the clarity of tone, the breathing, the speed, and all that. Ufff!
I need to get better at it. Point me to some source. PLEASE!
So yeah. That.
Lemme end today’s post with something that I have been thinking about, over the last few days. I even wrote about it on the 4th. The book I have been editing is done. And the time slot from 8 AM to 9:30 AM is now available. Should I just assume that it’s a sign (great proses, Dr. Peterson, my misery, my want for validation, my poverty et al) and create something for myself? I mean I am definitely not a one-hit-wonder and it’s high time I get going and work on something for myself. A book, a film, a large-ish project (like a Jigsaw Puzzle, a magnum opus or something). #note2self. Lemme try and start from tomorrow, even if I am supposed to take a break for a few days in Sep.
Let’s see. What. When. If.
That’s it for the day. Here’s the streaks.
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 150
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Tall. Americanos.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 250 + 250 + 1500 + 257 (2257)
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 240
PS: I speculated that yesterday that ink in my system has run dry. But then I got back to writing these today, I realized I can rant a lot. Yay!
PPS: #showerThoughts. Had this really cool thought while showering today. Lemme give context. While brushing my teeth, I realized that I have these huge bags underneath my eyes. And this is probably because of the last two-three days of lack of sleep. Which is probably induced by too much coffee. So, what if I go to my local Starbucks and talk to the store manager and ask him that I am gonna sit there for 4 hours each day and NOT buy a coffee. Of course, I dont want to be a freeloader and thus I am happy to buy their merch / food. Or even donate. But I dont want to consume. Would they then allow me to sit at Starbucks and work? Let’s see. Will try on Monday.
Struggled to write even 500 words! Minds gone blank 🙁
8:03. Living like a thug for the last few days. No work. No workout. No control over what I am eating. I even saw three films in the last 2 days. The Jackal, Nobody, and The 2nd. I am living like the ones with a comfortable salary. You know, working for large companies that allow for leisure and other such pursuits. And no, this is not cool. Need a whack in the back of the head. Come on, Mr. Garg.
Ok. I dont know what to talk about.
It’s 8 and I am blank. I can’t talk about yesterday. It was fairly pathetic. In the sense, lot of work, lot of food, lot of carbs, lot of procrastination, lot of longing, lot of lazing around, lot of unbecoming me. Sigh!
Today I plan to not use the laptop after these morning pages. I have somewhere to be. And I will be occupied till late night with it. So no work shall happen today. Will have to hustle up tomorrow. At the airport Starbucks. Lol, Mr. Garg.
I think I need some divine intervention or something. Too many days of too much chilling and all that. Guess I need to see more of Dr. Peterson!
Ok. I sincerely dont know what to write. Guess the ink has run dry? Or maybe it is the aftereffect of lazing for too long? Or maybe because I knew I was going to be chilling, I did not? Should I quit writing these?
Wait. This is all of 270 words. Lemme talk more.
So since I’ve woken up, I have done the following…
Had Maggi for breakfast. Hell yeah!
Helped a friend craft her CV.
Wrote an email that needs to be sent to a client’s clients.
Played a few games of chess. Lost most of those.
Saw a few TED videos. There was one on Dunning-Kruger effect. Something that I think I suffer from.
Send a few books to Rege. It was pending for a while.
Wrote a prompt for PPP. It is, “You and your partner land in a foreign land for your annual holiday. You are looking forward to a relaxed time where you are away from all the hustle and bustle. But as soon as you land, the cops come over. And…”.
Wow. A lot.
Ok. I am still at 400 odd words. Will not let the torture continue. Will take a break. Back tomorrow.
A list of things on the top of my head. This includes money, twitter, movement, Dr. Peterson and more.
6:42. Just woke up.
Less than a month to go when I leave this house. Couldn’t be happier. I just hope the next one I get to is better than this one. I think the way to make it better would be to find a house in a new building, on a higher floor with little furniture in it. Let’s see when I do that. Not till Diwali for sure. But whevever I do, these variables have to be kept in consideration as primary. And then secondary ones will include things like access to a Starbucks, commercial / cultural hubs, promixmity to whoever is the friend at that time. Etc. etc.
So that.
Chalo, lets start the day. And with things that I am thinking about.
A. Money
Lemme start with the thing from the top of my head. Money. Mine. And others. Others that work with me.
Thing with money is, it enables you to do more. It makes you free. It gives you access to things that you did not have otherwise access to. It helps you push things and go into unchartered places. It helps you grow. It gives you confidence to do more things. It is the thing that moves you. Plus, the world also works in a funny way. It rewards people that alreday have the money! I mean it’s the rich that can create opportunties and make more money along the way. Of course a few poor ones make money as well but those are that. Few. Few and far between. Generally it’s the rich. Money gets you more money.
Ok. I am getting into a rant. Lemme track back. And talk about the money for others that I work with.
So, I am directly responsible for a team of almost 13 people. Indirectly many more. But these 13 people, I am their primary source of revenue. Each month, on the month end, I am thinking about how would I pay these people on time. Somehow it works out!
And no, I dont pay them a lot of money but I do pay them as much as I can. I know that it’s not enough. Not even enough for them to buy a coffee at Starbucks on a daily basis (what I do!). And I want to change this. I want to be in a utopian world where everyone has the money they need to live life the way they want to. You know, not worried about meeting the basics.
Thing is, I want to pay my people enough so that they can live happily and engaged and all that. I am lucky that most people I work with understand where I come from, see that I am doing the best I can and thus they support me. I am sure they feel the lack of money (I feel!) but they dont complain.
The thing is, this house of cards hangs precariously on my ability to get work. Last year, during the pandemic, the house literally crumbled and if not for a few friends that extended loan and gave me work, I would probably be forced to let go of people. That time’s passe.
Now that I have some work on my plate, I need to find opportunities to grow, make more and then make some more. And of course use whatever I make to support my people. Again in the best way possible.
Thing is, money is never enough. It’s like playing a game. You know, you reach a certain level. And then you want to move up to the more difficult and advanced ones. Similarly, you reach a certain stage in life and you want more from there on. And money fuels this never-ending ride that keeps going to the moon and beyond. And I dont want to be that rich dad that just keeps giving without a concern for how that is being spent. So, I have to be this judicious old man that can predict how much a certain person with their personalty and lifestyle needs. And wants. And then, I want to give them more than their needs. And yet, not feed their wants.
The other thing is that most people I work with are in this (with me) because they see me as someone who’s got his heart at the right place. So that’s a good thing. Plus, most of these are in it for their respective passions (and not just to have that “work-life” balance thing going for them). And I anyway want to run my team, my setup as an entrepreneurial one where each person owns the thing they work on. Even if there is no money to be made per se. They must own a piece of thing they work on. I want to show them the “the vast and endless sea” and make them “to yearn” for that.
Ok. Moving on.
B. Dr. Peterson
I am back to seeing Jordan Peterson’s videos. There’s this pattern that I’ve spotted. Everytime I am little fucked about things, work or otherwise, YT throws either Peterson or Seneca at me. Really. So I dont know how the algorithm knows how I am feeling but it does!
So, Dr. Peterson is controversial but his takes are fascinating and I think I like what he says. I am still not deep into what he says and I only see edited, highlights version of what he preaches but I can relate to a lot that he says. From male dominance to power to relationships to individuality and more. I wish I could attend some sort of a long-form course where he talks about life and philosophy and all that. I saw these videos over yesterday…
Fuck, the range of people that I am influenced by is so wide. Steve Jobs, Dandapani, Jordon Peterson!
Anyhow. Moving on. To movement.
C. Movement
In other news, I was talking to someone yesterday and I realised that I am a doer and a lazy bum at the same time.
Doer – I like to make things move. You know, cause movement.
Lazy – I dont want to do things myself. I’d rather put in some people to manage those ideas.
So this combination makes me a weirdo. Need to think more on this as I go along. Could be important. #note2self
D. No Twitter
So, I havent been on twitter for some 10-12 days now.
I do check it but I dont post it. I dont engage with people. I dont expect replies. I dont mindlessly scroll what people are posting. I dont bookmark threads hoping to never revisit / read those.
This staying off has been good. And bad. Lemme try to tabulate things.
Bad. Twitter was like my mouth piece. My echochamber. I would let a lot of unfiltered thoughts move onto paper in shape of tweets. And then basis of feedback (if any) I get from my followers, I would shape my thoughts and opinions. Now that I dont have Twitter to post emo-tweets and all that, I am thinking about things all the time. I am unable to get negative thoughts out of my mind. And thus I am regurgitating those all the time. You know, from concisous to the back of my head to back to the front again. And it’s not cool. I think I am losing my stoicism! Lol! ;P
Often these thoughts / ideas are temporary flares. You know, a car cuts your rick the wrong way? You want to rant about it quick. You do that on twitter and you move on. So those times, I think twitter served well.
Other times, the thoughts are tad deeper. For example, I am clearly suffering on the relationship front. I have no one to talk to. Twitter was my only solace. So, in past when I suffered, I would put something on twitter to cope up with what’s hurting me. More often than not, this act of writing a tweet and posting was similar to talking to a confidante. I would thus be over whatever was hurting me. So that helped. Muck was out of me. I was ok.
Of course, this temporal messages phenomenon is not good. You dont really go deep. You dont delve and mull over things. Worse. If I dont delve, I merely scratch the surface and I dont go deeper. At the level where I need to solve it. So, I need to fix this. If I am suffering, I need to layer down to the very bottom and try and find an answer to that. And then solve it. Even if, I need to move on, like Dr. Peterson says.
Bad. I no longer have access to a hive brain that can throw back ideas, links, suggestions, connections etc to me. Not cool at all. This probably is the single-largest thing I miss about not being able to post on twitter.
Good. My screen time is drastically lower. Probably at the lowest point in life right now. So that’s great! Need to find a way to keep the screentime low for when I come back on twitter.
So yeah. This is about it. Ya, a lot on my mind! And, here’s streaks…
A shortish post where I thought I would unravel the folds of my heart and talk about things. But I couldn’t! As they say, it’s a sign!
8:36. Starbucks. I got up late today. Which is ok. At times it’s cool.
However, the last few days, I have consistently not been able to work on the EBC things. No walks. No Surya Namaskars. No workouts. Nothing. Damn! The funny thing is that I am not working as much. I mean I am optimizing my time better, to be honest. And thus I am getting done a lot.
Lemme rant for a bit. I am in that mood, you know.
About things that I typically do not talk about. Anyhow, I have decided to live in public and today could be a good time to start.
So things on the personal front (relationships and friends) haven’t been great lately. The family department is doing ok, thankfully. So, relationships. Even though I am 38, I dont understand how to run these. I understand few things. The vocabulary I use is even more limited. I like the idea of giving space to people. I like to not impose myself, even at places where I must try and assert my presence. As a result, I often find myself standing in a corner, staring at a wall.
Ok. Wait.
I’ve been trying to write this since 8:30. It’s almost 10. And I am hardly done with one para. No, not because I dont have enough to write. But because I keep getting interrupted by unplanned and inexplicable calls from people that I can’t hang up on. You know, Akshay, Paras, etc.
So maybe it’s a sign to not let the guard down on these things as yet. So, I shall refrain.
However, this means that this would become one of the shortest posts I’ve ever made on morning pages since I started writing last year (some 230 days ago. 237, if my calculation is right). In fact, lemme talk about this. I am surprised at myself that I have been able to write and publish every day since I started. This is now probably the longest streak on anything in life. I’ve been regular and it’s awesome. Of course, I haven’t been able to build an audience per se but I am sure this mad streak with writing every day is helping in some way or the other. I mean I am not sure. I am merely speculating. Let’s see.
Chalo that’s about this, I guess. Will be back tomorrow with more.
And since I dont want to publish less than 500 words, must mention this – I love empty Starbucks. You know, at 8 in the morning. It has yellow diffused lights, plush (and yet minimalistic) furniture, muted music (that is so indiscernible that you know something is playing but you can’t pinpoint what it is), and literally no one else. You are literally the king of the world Starbucks!
This is it. 500+ words. Including the ones captured with streaks.
There’s nothing specific that I’ve on my head today. So a list of random notes / things / ideas etc.
5:50. I had a sleepless night. I mean I was in bed by 1030 I think but I kept waking up. I dont know why but I did not sleep ok. It has to be coffee. I had a strong one yesterday. Even though I ate like a hog after that and had a lot of water, the residue was still in my system, I am guessing. Anyhow. I am up. Yawning like a baby. Lots to be done today. Let’s see how it goes.
Yesterday was ok. I did some work. I talked to some people. Troubleshooted a few things. Moved along. However, I did not do my 10K steps. I ate kachra. And I have anyway stopped working out. I am not even making pretenses that I will try and do anything. The only thing I am doing is regular walking. And trying to get enough sleep. Yesterday I didn’t do these two either.
So if I am serious about EBC and Everest eventually, I need to get my act together. And come to think of it, I had made a promise to myself that fitness will become my number 1 priority. Even if work suffers. I think what’s happening is that I am allowing work to suffer, and yet I am not doing anything for fitness. Must mend my ways.
Oh, I need to buy a new chappal. The one I bought from Bata is very very uncomfortable. In the sense that it’s heavy. It’s a good thing, to be honest – it is probably helping me prepare for trekking shoes that I will have to wear for 15 days. But on a day-to-day basis, walking around in bad chappals is probably gonna hurt me more. So need to buy some flip-flops.
Moving from the feet to the head. I have this void in my head. About not working on a book. I mean the book (biography) I am helping edit / write / research is sort of done. It’s with the publishers now and unless they come back with a lot of changes, my job there is done. I miss not working on it. I miss not thinking about it. I miss the narrative structures that I would draw. You know, putting a thought in a manner that it’s comprehensive and easy to consume. That. Maybe this is the right time to pick up the second book? Lemme try once I reach Starbucks.
Ok. What else is at the top of my head? I have spilled enough ink about how I am moving out of this house end of August. Oh yeah. The next short film that I am co-producing with Shikha and RCF is going on the floor soon. As early as the end of August. Yay!
Also, on the film, I am gonna make sure that I am the film photographer. I’ve been wanting to experiment with it and this is the opportunity that I have sort of created for myself. If I can make a mark, it will be a classic case of creating luck. In fact, I think I like this idea of playing with things and scratching my itch even if I have to put in my own money. I mean why else do I make money? To try new things. To spend on things that I like. To do things that others won’t allow me to. So that’s cool. And I must mention that all I am doing here is helping Shikha who’s the real reason why this film is happening. She (and a few others) are my Venue and Serena! Lol! Self-gloating max.
Ok. What else?
Guess rest is the regular humdrum of life. More tomorrow. Here’s streaks.
A longish post on the darkness in my head and the light shown by the story of Richard Williams.
5:41. Woke up a few minutes ago. Saw Whatsapp first thing in the morning. Saw a video by Vijay Yadav. This one.
Then I saw Nobody’s trailer on AnSr’s recommendation. Here…
Almost cummed in my shorts. I mean the team from John Wick + Saul (aka Bob) + Music + Visual Delight. Wow.
Also, this is the second film since yesterday that I have been tripping over. The first one is King Richard sent by VG.
This film is based on the life of Richard Williams (better known as Venus and Serena’s father). King Richard touched me like no other film has, in the recent past. I mean it talks about an ambitious man that wants to see success through the success of his daughters. Will come back to this film in a bit. Lemme park it here. Point A.
So, I feel human after two days.
Human as in, physically, there are no lingering pains anywhere in the body. I feel refreshed, energized, and all that. It was probably aided by the fact that I have been resting last two days. I had slept at 10:30. So good 7 hours of sleep. Or maybe because I did not eat crap yesterday. Whatever worked yesterday, I hope it works today as well.
In contrast to this feeling of greatness in the morning, yesterday was bad. So bad that it was probably the darkest of the last few days. It may sound like hyperbole but I could only survive because of two things – 1, Naval. 2, my ambition. Will come back to this in a bit. Parked point B.
So, for some reason (money situation primarily), I spent all of yesterday questioning my life choices. I mean where I am is an outcome of the choices I’ve made and the way I’ve acted on those choices. Clearly, I did not do a good job at either (choices and actions). If things were bad just at work / career front, I would still be ok. But things have been pathetic at other ends also. Lemme share a chart that I maintain on my vision board. I don’t think I’ve ever made this public. But here it is. As of today morning.
A screengrab from my Vision Board
I don’t know where I found this chart from but I think it’s a great way to evaluate and measure where life is. And you can then reflect on what needs fixing. On my chart, I can see that I am failing at all 8 important things in life. The only saving grace is my family (and even on that, I choose to live away from my parents).
Of course, like any other thinking, feeling, evaluating individual, I want to fix these. And these dark days are occurring frequently and like Steve would say, if things arent good for a few days on the trot, maybe it’s the time to change those. Let’s see what I change. And how. And when.
Lemme talk about King Richard.
Coming to Parked Thing A, King Richard.
Here. See this. In case you haven’t.
I could relate so much to King Richard. I had tears flowing when I saw the trailer. I bet the film will win all the awards there are! I wager that it would get at least 10 Oscars.
It is after all a story of one man’s fight against odds, the chase of impossible, trust, faith, patience, hard work, grit and more. Oh, and of ambition.
For all the use of the word ambition in my head, thoughts, and actions, I am as big a failure as they come. To a point that it hurts. And it’s suffocating.
The days when I am not busy with the general humdrum of life, you know, the days when you can take a pause and think? Those days I spiral so bad into the literal abyss that I take literally a week to get out of. I must admit that the days I go AWOL on friends and family, I am not physically unwell. Rather I am suffering from dark thoughts about where I want to in life and how far away from that I am. In terms of money wealth, impact, reach, work, fame, notoriety, even fitness. And the worse is that from where I stand, I don’t see things improving at all.
As I age, these bouts of dark days are happening with more frequency (I know I’ve said this already) and it takes longer to get out of those. The escape mechanism I had of taking a car and hitting the road is no longer a viable option. The other escaping method was to eat like a mad man, switch off the phone, and sleep. Even that doesn’t help anymore.
This is where I lean on what I learned from Naval. Will come to it in a bit. I want to stay with King Richard right now.
So, the other thing that I picked from King Richard is the reinforcement of the belief that I will probably not be a massive success as an individual. Rather I may be cut for being that person in the shadows, the one that works with these superstars and shapes them. You know, someone that sees their success come to life via others. In Richard’s case, it was his daughters. In my case, I am not sure. I mean I do have a few young ones that I am investing into. But I am still far from seeing them reach anywhere. I just hope that I don’t end up like Vikramaditya in Sur. Anyhow. Who cares.
I like the idea of enabling others. I just hope I am able to contribute to their lives and make superstars and massive successes off them.
The other thing that I want to talk about, from King Richard, is this entire thing about giving a hard time to the ones that are working for you. Remember Whiplash? I mean the entire premise is this hard-love for talented apprentices. Of course, I remain conflicted about what I take away from that. On one side, I like the idea of hard work, determination, sacrifice to achieve what you potentially can. And on the other, I know that mental health issues are real, especially with the dopamine-laced brains of kids around us. After I saw King Richard, I think I am leaning towards being a tough mentor. But then, to be one, do I have what a Richard had? Or Fletcher?
I dont know. Time shall tell.
Parked Thing B. Lessons from Naval Ravikant.
Lemme talk about Naval and Ambition.
So I read this tweet from Naval that said something like this – you can’t control your thoughts but you can observe them and choose to react to those.
Yesterday was one such day. When I was mindfucked. Probably because I was unwell and there were other things playing on my head. So I went walking. I walked real slow. I did like 5K steps in 2 hours. And while I walked I did not have a companion with me. You know, things like phone calls, music, videos, chess and more. I did not even pause to take photos that I’ve been trying to last few days. I merely watched my thoughts. And I tried not to react to the non-stop dark thoughts about my inability to do things. Or my inability to hold onto friends / relationships etc. I merely observed the thoughts as they came and went. It was tough considering I had to observe traffic in / around Lokhandwala as well. Lol. Bad timing.
So I while I was observing my thoughts, my head kept swirling back to the definition of success that I want to live my life with. You know, the outcome of ambition. It dawned on me that I believe success is the long-forgotten Kabir Das ka doha. It goes…
Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye
Kabir the poet
Further, here are the things that I thought would look like success.
Mastery over time. When I can be the master of my time with 100% certainty. Right now, I am at about 5% in terms of how I plan my life and time. Long way to go.
Financial Freedom. When I no longer work for money. And I can choose to work on things that I want to, even if I am not rewarded for those things. Right now, I am in debt. So far far away from financial freedom.
Plus, I do not have those ambitions where I want to reduce consumption, etc. I really want a lavish life with all comforts and all that. I want to be able to buy anything from anywhere without thinking about the cost / price.
Giant with a shoulder. When I can support others around me with whatever they need / want. And then I want to help others in whatever way I can!
That’s it. Three things. Wow, that simple!
Funnily, as I think and write about this, family (my family, not my parents) doesn’t feature in this. Maybe I will change with time. And my personal goals of Everest, Marathon, etc do not fit in here as well. Hmm. Funny.
So yeah.
This is about it from the walk yesterday. A lot of this was probably triggered by King Richard. And by the general failure that I’ve been. Films do have power like no other. Must must must fastrack the non-existent films career. Come on, Universe!
I guess this is about it for the day. Realized, I’ve been writing for almost 2 hours now! Oh, and here’s streaks…
OMAD – 1
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 145
#noCoffee – 0. Had two.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 30 + 232. Adding this from today on.
A ranty post on the first-world problems that I am afflicted with.
5:20. Woke up a few minutes ago. Yesterday I slept at some 8:30 or something. I wasn’t feeling too well. I was on a podcast and then on a call and I could barely keep my eyes open. People on the other side could see that I was unwell. Through a Zoom window. Sigh. I think I was probably gassed, bloated, sleep-deprived, and tired.
So, what happened was this – a friend and I decided that we would go for a long walk on Sunday. For that, I had to be out of my house at 6. And that meant I had to wake up at 5. And that meant I had to sleep by 10. But I slept at 1 or something. I had some work to be done. So I was sleep-deprived. Plus right after the not-so-strenuous walk, I ate from Pancham Puri (the best damn place to eat kachra that gives pleasure to your senses). The very mention of it is making me salivate! The food we ate was so well “oiled” that I could see a thick layer of oil floating over the gravy. And then I ate some more crap from random places. And as a result, I was full. And despite that, I kept loading myself with chocolates and water and I dont know what all. And thus I was pukish. And it showed. Not just to me. But to others.
In fact, this seems to be a trend. Since I started walking. Once I am done with my walks, I sort of eat far more than what I am supposed to. And as a result, these walks are probably doing more harm than good. So, need to control these. And fix things. From today on, come hell or high water, if I can’t eat food made at a home, I will not eat. Enough of ordering from out.
I also need to stop ignoring that all this walking around is probably taking its toll on me. You know, it’s making me tired and sore (without any massage or stretching) and I need to let the body recover. Starting with sleep. Need to stop compromising on it.
So that.
In other news, the joy from life seems to have disappeared. You know, there’s not Joie de Vivre! I am not even playing chess, the thing that I had found comfort in after I realized I am friendless and loveless. In fact, I was talking to AnPa on Saturday and I realized that life seems to be going ok but there aren’t any large exciting things happening that I could live on top of. You know, there’s no dopamine hit. There’s no hedonistic treadmill that am riding on. I mean there’s nothing wrong with life per se. There’s some money coming on. Most things I work on are what I like. Side projects are going well. The friends and family column needs a little nudge but that’s ok. Or maybe that’s what I need to work on? Let’s see.
Moving on.
There’s less than 45 days to go for EBC. I am still not working out. Neither am I getting any breathing exercises done. Must start with Surya Namaskar and Push-Ups. Thing is, I am most productive in the morning, and if feel as if I have wasted my time and all that. I dont know the fix for this 🙁
Ok. Enough of rants. Lemme talk of other things that are, well, not rants.
Over the weekend, while I couldn’t do a lot of work, I did record a couple of podcasts. Each of those taught me so much and allowed me to learn so much. I am wondering why I dont do more of these. Probably the laziness? I am not sure. Must fix this!
Then, I talked to someone who’s living the life I want to live. You know, works at the intersection of writing, strategy, teaching, travel, and more. He is doing exactly what I want to do with my life. Makes money. Hold intellectually stimulating conversations. Knows people at “higher” places. He even told me about a VERY VERY famous writer on his writing style. He said the writer would spend a year or two researching his next book. And then check into a hotel for a month and crank out the manuscript of 100,000 words. I think that’s fabulous. I must do the same. Take a month out each year and take a break for a month. And come out with a book. The other lesson I took (and got reinforced) from this chat was that the world celebrates success like nothing else. Need to get there.
Then, I gave gyaan to another aspiring entrepreneur about writing and books and all that.
Ok. Enough. It’s 6:29. More than an hour since I started writing. Need to get on with the day. Here’s streaks.
OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 144
#noCoffee – 0
#aPicADay – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 1
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 234
PS: Starting today, I will mark all ranty posts as [RANT]. I want to see how much I crib and rant and cry.
A quick post about what I did yesterday and what I plan to do about those. More rant than anything else to be honest.
5:24. Woke up a few minutes ago. And I have less than 20 minutes to write today. Need to leave at 6 for a longish walk. I hope to do 20K steps today from 7ish till about 9ish. Let’s see how many I get in.
So let’s dive in. Here’s a quick recap of yesterday. And quick thoughts.
I took a break from walking. I averaged 15K steps this week before yesterday. I was on track to do 110K steps. Now, if I can get to 100K, I would be happy. And I am anyway eating like a mad man. Will stop from tomorrow on. I will also implement a no-call before 2 PM rule from tomorrow. At least I will not allow any calls to be scheduled before 2. The ones that are already on the calendar, I will honor those.
I realized yet again that success gets you friends like nothing else. If you are famous, rich, successful, funny, fit, good-looking, or anything on these lines, you would have FAR more friends than you’d normally have. I think I need to start working on this. I can’t change the way I look or my sense of humor. But I can work on getting rich and famous. So that’s next. After am back from EBC, I will focus on one thing only – getting famous. Come hell or high water.
I was forced to work from where I live in the morning as I had a podcast recording at an awkward time. And while I did that, I ate like crap, I wasted time like I was 19, I slept like I had all the money in the world. After the recording, I went to the Starbucks at the airport, and even though I spent like 3-4 hours there, I could get a lot done. I was in the zone while I was there. I need to find ways to get to a Starbucks or a co-working space as soon as I wake up. #note2self
I had a dark moment. At least two people I care for acted like dicks. They did not understand why I do things I do. They dont understand the sacrifices I am making to make ends meet. And not that I haven’t spelled it out for them. Despite that, they sort of piled onto me emotionally and made me lose track. I know they dont do it intentionally. And I know I need to be stoic enough to not let that affect me. I am working on it. I honestly dont really care what people tell me and how they behave with me. But when the ones I care for and want to care for me pile emotional baggage on me, I lose it. I need to find a way to not get swayed by these things.
Recorded a podcast. Loved it. Even though the conversation could be richer, I absolutely loved it. Must do more podcasts. If I have my way, I can do a podcast a day. But the thing is, I am one of those perfectionists and I want things to be perfect. And that means I dont allow my team to release these conversations. And thus affect the output. Maybe I will rely on my team for releases and then we’d see where it goes?
So yeah, these things. There’s more that I want to write but that’s all the time I have right now. Need to leave for a walk.
