230521 – Ennui and my attempt at fending it off!

A quick post on my attempts to fend off the boredom that has set in. And an attempt to find some sanity.

8:13 AM
Woke up a while ago. The alarm first rang at 5. I was supposed to record a podcast at 830 but canceled it last night. There’s so much pain around me that I was in no position to make a coherent conversation. It’s really affecting my work and all 🙁

In fact, the last night I was on the bed for hours and couldn’t find sleep. I was so fried that even playing a game of chess was a pain. I just couldn’t even surf Youtube or any other website. I think ennui is back.

Actually, come to think of it, it’s not ennui per se. I think it was the mental fatigue that you feel after you spend a hard day at work. While it was not a hard day per se, I did do a few things. In fact, during the day yesterday, I had a breakthrough of sorts. Since I was sleeping all the time while I was home house, I decided I will go to a friend’s place.

And I did.

I went to a friend’s place to work. While the table there was cramped and the chair was uncomfortable, I managed to spend enough and more time on a computer. To a point that I even put the writing page live! Of course, I need to add a lot more to this page. But I made the start.

Plus I was not sleepy. I did not sleep. I did not feel drowsy. Maybe it was the venti Americano that I had. And all this despite the place not being to my liking. He did not have an AC in the hall and I was sweating like a pig with all the garmi. But I managed to stay alert till about 6 and I spoke to new people. I was as much in the zone as I would be on a regular working day. I plan to go to his place today as well. Let’s see how today goes. I have to finish three large presentations today. If I can manage these, It would be awesome and I would know that things that

In other news, yesterday, I attended the pitching session of DocEdge. It was awe-inspiring, spell-binding, and eye-opening to say the least. Filmmakers from across the world presented the projects they are working on, on subjects that ranged from personal stories to communities to even national boundaries. I realized that I am living in a cocoon and the cinema I want to stand for is probably in the non-fiction space. I mean I do want to entertain the world and all that but I really want to inspire the world as well and what better way to do that than cinema?

Oh, and in attendance was a filmmaker that has won a Palme d’Or. Adding that to my #lifeGoals!

So that.

Like I said, I have three decks to write today. And attend DocEdge sessions. And think of how I can make a dent in the world. I plan to go over to the friend’s place again today and see how I perform.

So yeah. That’s about it for the day. Over and out. And here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 161
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0 (had coffee yesterday. Will have more today as well)
  • #noCoke – 73
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 1 (did 12 rounds)

120521 – Morning Pages

A shortish rant that took me forever to write.

9:21 AM. I woke up about 10 minutes ago. Yeah, I slept till late today. After a lot of days I slept at 2ish and like most of these days, I slept intermittently. I’ve washed my face, downed a liter of water, and sitting on my chair, and yet I am drowsy and droopy and sloppy and all that. I am making typos like I was a child still learning how to type.

So, its 10. All I’ve written is one para above with some 50 words. Lol!

I think something’s off with me. There’s no joy in life. You know, excitement. Nothing seems to affect me anymore. To a point that I am not moved by anything. I have close friends losing their parents and I am untouched by their pain. I have classmates donating a million doses of vaccine and while I marvel at their work, I am not proud that I know such people. I am working on my first angel deal (something that I’ve wanted to do all my life) and yet there’s no excitement. Guess this is what they call ennui. Or even languishing. Am oscillating between so many emotions, all over the place, all the time that this cocktail of emotions and hormones in my head is not helping. At times, I see Instagram feeds and I get inspired that I want to get fit and dream of running 10o-mile marathons. At times I see awesome work done by others and I want to do more than what I am doing right now. At times, I get sad about the meaninglessness and randomness of this entire thing called life. At times I wish I was one of those lucky ones to have won the Ovarian lottery and born as a kid with a silver spoon up my ass. At times I want to work so hard and game the systems and make money like a mad man. At times I want to give away whatever little I have and become a monk. Actually no. This is not right. I would never be a monk. I would never sell my Ferrari. I am a capitalist at heart. But may be a conscious capitalist.

I think this capitalist in me is not getting a release and that’s causing the feeling of sadness, grief, and listlessness. I don’t know how to help.

The only good thing happening these days is the docedge sessions. When I am in those sessions, I see WIP work from other participants and I get the hope that at some time in life even I can tell stories that need telling. I think when I am learning new things, I am happier. I think the lust for being a perpetual WIP is what gives me hope and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. I think I need to find more opportunities like that. You know, meet other creative people, get inspired, and shoot for the Moon Mars.

Ok, more words are not flowing. Guess I will break. Let’s see if during the day I feel any better. Hope others are not in this zone.

Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 150 (this is 151st post)
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 62
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

P.S.: While reviewing this before I hit publish, I realise that a big cause of my grief is piled onto me by others. When I say others, I mean people I know and care for. Not strangers. You know, friends and colleagues and others. Thing is when people I care for, when they talk to me rudely or curtly, I lose it. Each time this happens, I get affected for like a week and takes me forever to recover. Need to become a lot more harsher with self and stop this loop of expectations. May be that’s a way out?

Not sure. Way too much on my head. Later.