7 Jul 2024 – Morning Pages

Wrote this on the 6th Jul. Publishing it now.

Its 6 AM. I have about 30 minutes before I leave for a meeting. And here are the things that I want to write / talk about.

1/ Last few days have not been the best for my head. Money, health, relationships. Let’s just say a lot is on my mind. No, I dont need help, yet. If I do, I shall take proactive measures. I think if I fix my food, a large part of my issues would be fixed. 

1.1/ On the food, I think I will try to eat mindfully from today on. This is my perpetual struggle. I dont know why I want to eat it all. I was talking to someone about it and I realised that my insecurity from the times I have been jobless are so deep-seated in my subconscious that I want to eat it all.

2/ I missed the walk yesterday despite publicly committing to it. I could’ve but I dont know what came over me and I did not. I had the time. I had the inclination. I even made a public commitment. 

3/ 5 days without coffee. If I can manage today, it would be the 6th day. Lets see how it goes. 

4/ I am carrying only the iPad and a book as I step out today. So that’s cool. Let’s see how it goes. I am increasingly trying to go without a laptop. An iPad is a poor compromise for not having a laptop – it’s like a phone and very ineffective. But I am willing to experiment. 

5/ I can feel my age now. I can’t stay alert post 9 PM. I find it tough to wake up. I am not alert at times. Yesterday I noticed in at least 3 calls that I was unable to talk well. 

6/ Track of the day is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pHFJELNKZk. I really want to discover new music. 

7/ I’ve been trying to write a letter to a friend for more than a week now and I can’t seem to find inspiration. I plan to work on it today before my 915 meeting. 

8/ I want to get back to a standing desk routine. I have discovered that I can use a makeshift setup at home and use it. I am writing the second part of this letter from this jugaad standing desk. And I can see myself doing more of this.

9/ 730. I am now at a Starbucks. The chairs here are sucky. I think I will walk a kilometer to go to a Starbucks that has better chairs. I can’t sit here for 3 hours as I wait for a friend to arrive. The only good part is that am not carrying my laptop. So that. 

10/ 7:48. I am at the other, smaller Starbucks where the chairs are nice. 

11/ I had a chat with my folks while I was on the way here. It sucks that they continue to ask me tough questions about money even at this age. I don’t know when would I reach a point where money would stop being a bother. I know I am not prudent with money and I must be. And I will find a way to do so. But at this time, today, my folks are not happy about my money situation and it sucks. 

12/ I think that I am unable to make people around me understand how I operate and how I think. I mean I don’t know how to explain to my friends why do I want to organise even lunches with friends on a Saturday. And then at the same time, I take off for 4 days without explanation to people that I hardly know. I am unable to talk about how I am probably not suited for fancy places and I find myself at home at mid places. This concept of mid-places is also a tad unclear to explain. In my head, I know what a mid-place is. If you are reading this, you know me and you don’t know what a middle place for me is, well 😀 

13/ At #CSS04, one of the attendees told me that I need to stop with the self-deprecating humour. Yesterday I was talking to a young coder and she told me the same. Two very different people who’ve met me in very different contexts have told me the same thing. And I don’t think the two of them even talk to each other. 

Of course, I know that I revel in playing down myself but I didn’t know that it was not serving me. Now I know. I will thus make a conscious effort toward it. I am not sure if there’s a specific way to do this. But I will. May be next time you see me play down, please point it out to me and I will correct myself. 

These playing down things could be one or more of these – “I may not know it all”, “I could be wrong”, “i don’t have a lot” etc etc. 

14/ Do you think getting the subscription to YT Premium worth it? I think it’s 200 bucks a month and I lot more than that right now (I can think of three – 650 for Google One, 650 odd for Netflix, 650 for Apple Storage – and I am sure there are more). 

15/ This working on iPad is not cool. I am unable to get in the flow. Even though there are no distractions (multi-tasking sucks on iPad), I can’t think straight. May be this needs getting used to? I don’t know. I will give this a few more days before I quit. Let’s see. 

All things above this, I wrote on 6 Jul. Now, we are at 7 Jul. Here’s the notes in continuation. 

16/ I slept for 8 hours yesterday. But my recovery is still 50%. I need to journal more religiously to understand why it’s that bad. One large component would be food. That I am fixing from today on. 

I slept 8 hours on the 6th night as well but the recovery is still less than 50%. I think its the diet that I need to now work on. Let’s see.

17/ Deleting all the food ordering apps from my phone. Let’s see how we survive.

18/ I am writing this from a Blue Tokai (and not a Starbucks). BT opens at 7, SBux at 8. This one hour is important.

The only problem is that at BT, the charging ports are less (and my laptop needs to be charged (old you see)), the wifi is poor (and the mobile network is also not the best). So it is not the most optimal place to work out from. Let’s see.

I wish there was a 24/7 cafe around my house. I would have loved to work from there. I can go to the airport but it’s too far from where I live. May be on some days I will go there and work the entire day.

Let’s see what I end up doing.

So, that’s about it for the day (and yesterday).

Over and out.