280821 – Morning Pages

A quick post about the effort and horrors and mindfuckery that moving things from a house could be.

8:41. Moving day. Have packed my life. In one suitcase. One carry-on. One laptop bag that I carry around on day to day basis. Three Ikea bags. Four cartons. A writing table. Two chairs. And this blog. That’s all. My life. Funny how much self-important you consider yourself to be and at the end of it, what you are left with is just a handful of things. I mean if I were to die tomorrow, that’s all I would leave behind. No legacy, nothing of interest to anyone. Nothing that others could look at and wonder who was this guy?

There were things that till a few days away I would have killed to retain, save, take care of. But then I decided that I did not want to. In fact, this inventory that I made above? I want to be able to discard those as well. At some point in time in life. Let’s see when I do that. I still need a lot of work to be able to reach that place.

So anyhow. Yesterday I did an interesting experiment. I was forced to actually. I worked from the shelter (I think is what this house was – a shelter. I was never home) till about 4 and then went to Starbucks. And then stayed there till about 10. While I was there, I could get a lot of calls done and a lot of things that needed work. But then I must say that the place is a lot more vibrant at that hour. There were people all over. There was cheer and love and sadness and dreams and work and plans and everything else that you can imagine can happen at a place like Starbucks!

So this is the time when I am a little ok, a little at peace. In about an hour or so (if Paras is on time), I will be full of stress and full of anger. I hate the idea of moving. There are way too many things that are in motion. There is way too much intrusion into privacy. And I am one of those extremely private people. I mean I am ok to live in public but I dont like people peering into my house. I dont know why. It’s funny. I am ok with people knowing that my friends dont come around when I need them, but I dont want them to see how I live. It’s weird and eccentric, to be honest. But that’s how it is.

So today starts a longish weekend for people. Monday is a chutti. So the external parties demanding attention would be limited. That would help. Been working way too hard over the last few days and I think I can do with this non-intrusive life. Of course, I am working but at my pace, at my time, at my convenience. I am also on the road a lot. In the sense, I am shutting between two houses in Andheri today to move my things. Then I am in Bandra tomorrow in the morning (will have to ensure that I wake up early and write morning pages), I have a call right after that. I am in Powai on Monday morning. For almost the entire day. Then Ghatkopar on Tuesday. Again for an entire day. Post that I will have some sort of reprieve from travel. Till the train on Friday. And then madness in and around Delhi. I know I would be unhappy while in Delhi but there’s no other place I can truly call home.

What else am I thinking about?

Ummm… not sure. This moving around is such a big thing in itself that it occupies all the space in your head and soul. Oh, I have a podcast to record today. So that should be interesting. I like the idea of talking to people and listening to them and learning from them. So that’s gonna be cool.

Ok, I think this is about it for the day. I need to clean a few more things even before the boys I’ve called to help move come in. I hate the idea of dirt, mess, un-organization, and all that.

More tomorrow. Hopefully, I would have a few more things to talk about. Over and out. And here’s streaks

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 170
  • #noCoffee – 13
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 12686. Bought a Gimbal for the EBC.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 260

260821 – Morning Pages

A shortpost lamenting about lack of money, fancy things, audience and more. Damn these ranty and negative posts!

8:30. Starbucks. Somewhere in Lower Parel. I am here yet again. Second time in less than a week or so. Work. Sigh. I am now realising how incredible a waste of time this face to face meetings are, especially when it’s mere transactional work. TBH, today is not transactional per se. This one is an important meeting. But this could very well have been a Zoom call. But theek hai. Kaam hai. Karo.

So, yesterday I was supposed to start a 48-hour fast. But I ended up eating like a pig. That was coming out of famine. I ate whatever I saw. Even if the taste was BS and all I ate was fried in oil that was already heated and re-heated a million times. As a result, my stomach has revolted. I have this funny feeling in my gut. I dont know what to do to solve it. I remember Vijesh telling me that each time you are unwell, just fast for 3 days and have just coconut water. So lemme try that today. I mean today I will have to have a lot of green tea (aka ghaas ka paani) as I am on the road but I can have coconut water from tomorrow on. Let’s see.

Also, yesterday, a funny thing happened. I have to log it in here. I am part of the team that is making a short film. For that, since it’s an indie film, we need to save as much money as we can. The team decided that they would pick things from our respective homes and houses and decorate the set. They thus decided to come over to my place. And when they were decided that, I realized that I hate to let strangers come over to my space for inspection. I dont have anything to hide. I have just a handful of things. Even those, most are packed already. I keep my place mostly tidy. But when the decision was made to come over to my place, I was fucked in my head. And these were people that I trust and love and care for and all that. And for a project that would help me go beyond in life. And yet I heard my pit growl. I dont know what it is about getting people in places where I live.

I remember last year when I lived at a fancier place, during the lockdown, VG and AS came over on some frivolous pretext. I was mindfucked for a week after that. The same thing happened when I lived in a fancy locality but a fuckall house. I think it’s my insecurity at the inability to make enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers. I need to think more about this at some point in time in life. Let’s see when. #toThink

Oh, I got paid for a project that I had done in June. This means I can now fund the film that I spoke about earlier. And more importantly, I can pay my people. Yay!

Ok. Moving on. Next thing. Today.

For starters, I am gonna try and fast today.

Today looks like a bad day. In the sense that I am already in unchartered waters (wearing pants, formal shirt, carrying shoes, at a place that is known for poshness). Plus way too many things open with way too many projects for one of my clients. Plus the growling stomach and the parched heart. Wah. Parched heart. I wish I was more famous and my words found more homes.

I just hope that I can avoid the temptation to eat while I am zipping thru the town. Of course, I have discovered that as long as I am busy in my head, I can. So maybe I need to do that. Keep myself occupied. With what? I dont know yet. Let’s see.

Guess this is it for the day.
I shall report back how it is tomorrow.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 168
  • #noCoffee – 11
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1886
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 258

100821 – Morning Pages

Quick rant before I start the day. Nothing special in here. You may skip reading this.

7:27. Woke a few minutes ago. Feel ok. Void of any inspiration though. I dont know what’s wrong. The joie de vivre is gone. I am merely going through the motions per se. I hope it comes back at some point. Thing is, some days I am freakishly productive. And then somedays I am so so so inept that it’s a task to even get out of the bed. Today I guess it is more of the inept kind of day. Hope it picks up during the day. Oh, must mention that I have started to track things with Nomie. I am not regular but I like to log things in there.

Lemme talk more about how I spend my day. The best part of my day is when I am out of the house I live in. There’s only one place that I can go to that doesn’t make it weird. Starbucks. These are the times when I wish I had memberships to these fancy clubs where I could go and be myself. But then, money. Sigh. So back to the track. I hate it at this house. I am good when I am at a Starbucks. But then it’s a coffee shop. I can spend 3-4 hours tops there. To a point that I start feeling weird myself after about an hour or so. And then I am compelled to get out. And since the offices are still shut, I dont know what to do. In the sense, the only thing I can do is come back to the house. And the moment I enter, the energy levels droop so low that I dont know what to do about it. I literally sleep, procrastinate, get into this negative spiral that doesn’t have a bottom. The place where you live has such a large effect on your well-being. It’s not funny. And now that I am better informed, once I need to find a house for myself, I will ensure that I spend all the time thinking about it.

Ok. Done with the rant.

In the good things yesterday, I wrote for a bit on book2. It was the highlight of the otherwise drab day. And I loved it. I loved how I could create images in my head and all that. It was tough, to be honest, but I enjoyed the grind. The effort to think was taxing. And refreshing at the same time. I have to find a way to make a living with this! I plan to do the same today. From 8ish till about 10. Even though I dont write a lot of words per se but I like how a world gets created in my head. And then, of course, the effort to chart that world on paper.

And yeah, I am so looking forward to it. You know, going to a Starbucks and writing. In fact, the one I go to opens at 8. If I had my way, I would be at a Starbucks as soon as I wake up. And work for 4 hours or so and then do nothing (and do things like going for walks, working out, meeting people etc). Lol, wishful thinking.

Actually no. At some point, I will reach that point. I dont know when. I just hope it’s soon. I mean I am almost 40. And to date, I think about the future as if I am going to live forever. Right now, am half past my useful age and I dont know when that time would come when I would not work for money. Pretty somber. Damn.

Ok. I think I need to move on with things. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 152
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had one. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 3000 + 450 + 465 + 143 + 30 (4118)
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 242

070321 – Morning Pages

I talk about various things clouding my head. These include a car, search for a more spacious house and chess! Read on.

6:45 AM. Morning. Let’s dive head on. On things that are in my head. In bullet points.

A. Car.
Just woke up and for some reason, I am pining for a car. For some reason, been pining for the last few days years. I know I can’t afford one. Not for at least the next few quarters. But the thing is, there’s nothing that gives me more pleasure than a drive.

I think I know what’s the trigger here. A very old friend that I have sort of lost touch with called and asked if I’d want to drive out to Lonavala. Last I knew, he had a Volkswagen Polo and is among those few that share my love for drives. All these years, VG has been a constant companion for drives but then life happened and the drives dried down. This old friend, when he asked for a drive, like a druggie, I was salivating even before he mentioned Lonavala. I wanted it at that instant. Like now. But the dude asked me for a thing on the weekend. And when the weekend came, he bailed on me. Damn! Imagine you tell a coke-addict that he’d get a lifeline but when he doesn’t how would he feel? That! I wanted to scream out loud! It was like someone snatched candy from a kid that wants nothing but that. Like I said, I am the happiest when I am behind a steering wheel and I am on a road. I should’ve become an uber driver ;P

Unrelated. May be I am pining so much cos a couple of friends bought new cars in the last few days? I dont think so. I am definitely not jealous, rather, happy for them for these step-ups in life.

See this…

B. Aram Nagar
Finally made some progress on the Aram Nagar project. In the week that’s gone by, have had a couple of meetings already with Mudit on it. Oh, Mudit is a writer, director and has agreed to come on board and help. We have started to jam and see where it goes. We aim to shoot a few photos next week to see what we get. Idea is to capture the richness of the place that probably has the single largest contribution to the film industry. Let’s see how it goes. This is not a major project per se but I would like to see it happen. With Mudit on board, I hope it gets on a fast track.

C. Chess.
I am embarrassed to report that I just can’t seem to win anymore at chess. In the last 30 days, I’ve lost almost every game I’ve played. No, I don’t want to be a grandmaster. And I am very very average. But I don’t like the idea of a losing streak.

See this chart…

Do you see the slippery slope to the right? The fuck! I don’t know what to do about it. No, I don’t want to take tutorials. I don’t plan to play for a living and it will remain a hobby (and that too a non-serious one) for sure. I just need to end this streak.

D. Better House
So, I have decided that I want to be in Mumbai for the next few months (till I get some stability in life), I need to find a better place to live. The one I live in is not bad, to be honest. Just that it’s like a pigeonhole. I’ve not had fancy houses but whatever ones I had, they were always spacious and airy. Even in Mumbai. The ones that were not spacious, I made space by throwing away furniture. I like the idea of sleeping on a mattress. This one is neither spacious, not airy. And has so much furniture in it that I keep bumping into things even if I stretch my arms. So I need to change. Especially if I am going to WFH for the new few months.

The thing is, I am ok to change but I hate the idea of paying the exorbitant brokerage each time I want to move. But then the damn brokers do add value, to be honest. They rely on information asymmetry and give you numerous options that are otherwise impossible to find.

Plus moving comes with its own stress. You sort of leave a place and then if you are unable to find a place fast, you tend to make a hasty decision. I got lucky with the one before this. I loved the location and the space and the fact that it was a new building. Wait. That’s the thing. I don’t like those old houses that have been lived in. I like new constructions where I am either the first or the second tenant. This is for two reasons. A, since these are modern constructions, these tend to have a little better planned architecture. And B, since these are new, these places are cleaner and have lesser issues.

So that. Need to get started with househunting.

E. Jake Peralta and Gina Linetti.
I don’t know who told me about Brooklyn Nine-Nine. But the way I can’t stop winning at chess, I can’t quit seeing this. I mean this is as close to binge-watching things as I have been in the last three years. I don’t consume a lot of TV content and I am surprised at myself that I love this so much.

The two characters that stand out for me are Jake and Gina.

Jake, well, I want to be him. Lol. Goofy and funny and irreverent to authority and best part? Brilliant at what he does!

Gina, I want to date a Gina! Funny, opinionated, exuberant, outspoken and all that.

So that.

F. Fucking Book2
Lol. Book2 has taken the backseat for the time being. There are other larger issues to tackle.

With this, it’s over and out. See you guys tom!

The Confined Spaces Complexity

A rant on the new house that I have just moved to.

It’s no secret that I am not a big fan of confined spaces. And yet, I know that I need to embrace those. In fact, here are three situations I can think of where I actually look forward to trapping myself in these confined places!

  • I love airports and travel. And I thus need to be ok with confining myself in those metal tubes for hours as they hurl me through the skies. And if I am on the road, I need to of course get in them cars and navigate.
  • I love highrises and rooftops and the birds-eye view that these heights give you. And I thus need to use those lifts to reach the top and enjoy the view.
  • I love Mumbai more than I love Delhi. Actually, I am not sure of this one. But I do like to be in large port cities (at least the ones I have been to – Mumbai, Calcutta, HK, NY etc). And these cities are typically cramped. I have no clue why.

Staying with the bit about staying in Mumbai, lemme talk about this house that I just moved into.

Even though this is fairly decent for a house in Mumbai, this one is probably the smallest I have lived in (except the 1 tiny room where I was a paying guest for the first two years of my life in Mumbai between 2007 and 2009 — it had just half a bed, a tiny cupboard sized “thing” to be used as a washroom, one-half cupboard, and just enough space to stretch my arms).

Funnily, the day before yesterday (my second night at the new place), I realized that the new house gives me the same vibes as an airplane! The same that I get when I am in a lift. Or a car for that matter.

What vibes? Stay with me. Lemme talk about the house for a bit.

To be honest, it’s not bad. Just that it’s in an old building and it’s small and has all the paraphernalia that comes with a house that’s, well, well-lived in. You know, a bed that’s too high and big for the room that it’s been plonked in, those wall-to-wall wardrobes that are deeper than what they needed to be, fake ceilings that bring the roof lower, the weird color of paint that makes space feel even smaller. You get the drift?

Coming to vibes, so, when I was drifting to sleep, even though I was on a bed, it felt as if I was sleeping on a flight. And when I woke up, I realized I had curled into a foetal ball – I can’t recall when was the last time this happened to me (I typically sleep on my back). I felt as if those walls are closing in on me. Reminded me of that scene from some horror movie where the protagonist is trapped in a room, and the walls and roofs of the room are closing in on the protagonist, purportedly to crush him! That!

For some reason, I also was reminded of this quip by a friend about highrises in Mumbai. She says that these towers are merely urban chawls without any respect for humanity. These are made to stuff as many people in as less an area possible as if we were mere cargo and they had to optimize the storage. All this while, I did not agree – I’ve always had some space to move around in the places I lived at. Not in this one.

I was also reminded of my abhorrence for things like aquariums, birdcages, muzzles, leashes et al. And the hatred for clothes in general (and the ones that fit way too well). I’ve always wondered how do people operate in such cramped quarters. The experience at this house will probably teach me that.

As someone who’s been a sponge when it comes to learning, I think this house will teach me a lot over the next few months that I will live here. Like I said a few days ago, these are interesting times, indeed!

With this, it’s over and out. See you guys tomorrow.

This is part of 30 minutes of writing every day for 30 minutes challenge. I missed the post on the 7th. Yesterday, I wrote on the Hero’s Journey for Deewaar. Today’s is this. Others in the series are at 3010, 3110, 0111, 0211, 0311, 0411, 0511, 0611.

PS: Though I have not been able to cover this per se in the post, I will miss inviting friends and family over. To be honest, I don’t really extend the invitation to a lot of people over but the ones that I do invite, they OWN my house (and my life) as much as I do. And the one that I have moved into, I am not sure I can invite any 🙁