090421 – Meditations

Took almost an hour to write this one. Damn writing is hard! Lemme know what you think.

6:09. Andheri.

I woke after a sleep of 7 hours. No, I am still not as energized as I would want to be. But I am definitely ok. The good thing I did yesterday, amidst all the craziness around COVID is that I walked some 10K steps. Around the beach. So, small win.

I will start with #book2 before I get to the morning pages. This is the only way I will get some writing done!

[START]

“What’s the point of all this?” The loss, the grief, the pain, the suffering, all over again, for Rujuta, was way too much to bear. Why would the universe do that to her? Wasn’t she the best a human being could be? True she had done some inexplicable things in life but she was forced to do those. Knowingly she wouldn’t! Her values were better than that!

Raunak did not have any answers. The universe hadn’t been kind to him either. He never knew his family. He spent a large part of his life in jail. He’s always got close to where he wanted to and yet he never got to it!

They were still perched on top of the Betul Lighthouse. Even though it was inaccessible to the general public, Rujuta had her way with the government officials. It was like a scene out of Amir Khan’s 3 Idiots. Just that Rujuta and Raunak made for an odd pair. And instead of a water tank, they were on top of a lighthouse. While it was far from where they lived, the lighthouse had become Rujuta’s secret hiding spot. She liked to see the world from a height. That’s one thing that she missed about the highrises of the US. This was the first time she had got Raunak there.

Ranuak, of course, had no love for anything that gave him a bird’s view of things. He had had enough of that from that window in his jail. He wanted things to be a lot more real. Lot more tangible. Lot more earthy. He had to feel the texture, the place, the cracks, the smoothness with his feet, his hands, his body. He often wondered how much his life stayed still for almost 30 years and how much it changed in the last 3 months. It was straight out of the movies! He chuckled if Amir Khan would play his character if they ever made the film!

They continued to

[END]

So, on to morning pages meditations.

The thing I want to talk about right now is that humans are funny people. If not all humans, I am funny for sure. All this while I have cribbed about how this house is not the best that I have lived in and here I am, adjusting to its shenanigans, adapting myself to suit to space, cleaning the house, scrubbing it as much as I can, fight a losing battle against the birds and insects and lizards and cockroaches to keep them at bay and repeating to myself that it’s ok. If this continues, I may even begin to love this place!

If I can extrapolate this to other people, I am sure most others are rationalizing and tend to get comfortable in whatever they get. I think I have revolted against comfort but then I guess that’s how it is.

Also, the COVID situation is getting grimmer by the day. I know there’s the vaccine and all that but I am not sure it’s helping. I think I need to think about moving away from Mumbai. I don’t want to – I want to be in the middle of an ecosystem of interesting people that are hustlers and actually want to make money and there’s no way I will get that at any place other than Mumbai. Goa has loads of them but most of them are lost in their worlds.

The other thing I want to talk about is this friend. Let’s call him SK1979. So he is like me and unlike me – like me, he has a job that has nothing to do with films and like me, he wants to get into the business of films and like me, he is willing to put his money where his mouth is. Unlike me though, he gets paid a bomb, unlike me, he is focused (wants to do only films) and unlike me, he is clear about his fascination for films.

So last night for a project that we could potentially invest in, I got talking and I found that he and I were sort of completing each other’s sentences. And not in terms of specifics but in terms of values that we want to establish. I was in awe. Of course, he and I share values and that was reflected in our conversation. I am super lucky to have found him! I need to somehow find more such people and connect with such people and work with such people.

Unrelated, I got myself a Bluetooth keyboard for the computer. Oh man, this is life-changing. I need to get a Bluetooth mouse and with that, I think I can fix my back! And if I can hook the TV one of these days, I would be sorted!

I think whoever said that you need to invest in tools that make your life and work better was so right! Ok, by the time I finished this post, I placed an order. And damn, the Bluetooth mice are expensive! I got this one from Logitech! Also, if I may indulge, now that I am, may be I can get myself AirPods all over again once I have some more money to spare?

So yeah that.
This is about it for the day. Like all other days in the recent past, this is also going to be a long one. See you guys on the other side.

What else? Nothing much!

Here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 119
  • #aPicADay – 99
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 30
  • #noCoke – 30
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0

060321 – Morning Pages

Update on new projects, personal board, irrational attempts at finding peace in religion, chase of fame and more. Read on.

4:42 AM. Yeah. That early. I just woke up. Eyes are still groggy. I am yet to even wash my face. I slept early last night. Actually not slept. I forced myself to sleep. There’s a lot on my head but I am not sure I want to write about it here. I know I promised to live in public but there are a few things that I am still not ready to share with the world. There are other things that I can talk about. Let’s go!

So I have decided that am going to be in Mumbai for the next three months. At least. So the Goa experiment is done for the time being. Unless I can do things from here. Not sure if that’s meaningful. Or may be I will travel there on this weekends as I stabilize things. Let’s see. For the time being, I need to get some stability in life in terms of money (not career) and that may not happen when I am in Goa. So, Mumbai.

At a new project level, I have started to work two things. I’ve been working on these for a while now but made a promise in my head over the last few days about these and then actioned baby steps on these.

  • A, An anthology film project. If there’s anyone that wants to contribute, happy to share more details. I will need to hustle like mad to get it going. Let’s see what I do. I am giving myself this year for it.
  • B, The Investor Thesis Podcast where I plan to record with investors and see what they’re up to.

More on both these in next few days.

In other news, went to one of the marquee address in Mumbai yesterday for a meeting. I was bowled over by the lavishness. This is exactly the kind of place i had hoped I would get to live in life. May be this is life’s way of showing me that acche din are around the corner? #lifeGoal

After the meeting, I walked around for a bit yesterday. And it felt good. Even though the chappal I walk in is broken and all that, I walked and it felt really nice. Now that I have decided to be here, may be I will add at least the commitment to walk in the list of things that I do? In Goa, to be honest, I didn’t really walk. Even to pick up water, I would take a scooty.

Oh, yesterday, I was so fucked in the head (about the thing that I refused to talk right at the beginning that I needed to let the steam). And there was no way to do so. I mean there’s no one who understands me or who I can talk to about. So I walked around. And took a step in the direction of being irrationally religious. It sucks. I can see myself falling down the rabbit hole and I don’t know how to stop it. I know that the concept of God and religion and a higher power is flawed and for the weaklings. But when I walked, I moved in the direction of Siddhi Vinayak. I have scoffed at religion and temples and all that all my life but for some reason, I felt compelled to walk there. I even looked up direction on maps. All this while I did not want to go there. And yet I continued to walk there. And then I reached. No, I did not go outside. No, I didn’t feel anything special. No, I was not elated. But I did walk till there. But I walked till there and then took a cab home. And I did. I think this is how people become superstitious. Weak moments make men do funny things. Let’s see if I do this again.

Yesterday, I took Krishna’s advice where he said that every time I spend any discretionary money, I must save an equivalent amount. I started already with it. Let’s see if I can continue with it.

Oh, I connected a mouse to this computer and wow, I love it! Lol.

Ok, each passing day I realize that I need to get famous. No one appreciates what you do and what your ideas amount to. But if you are famous, even your discarded napkins are useful. I know that I am not inherently talented and I thus need to work hard. And that means I need to up my creation and distribution game by multiple notches. Yeah yeah, easy thing is to work on #book2. But then I am sort of unable to even start it! Maybe just like today, I will wake up at this ungodly hour and I will dedicate these few hours to book2? But what about the time I need to deliver on three jobs that am juggling at the same time? Arrgghhh, damn these questions. Life would be far simpler if I had a rich father, rich girlfriend, or a cushy corporate naukri where I would push papers and live easier. I don’t praise myself a lot and I am not trying to compare myself to others but I think the way I have been able to cope with disappointments one after other, I am good! Lol! Vain, Mr. Garg, fucking seeking validation all the fucking time!

I also spoke to VK about random things yesterday. With her, I have actioned that idea where I want to make my personal board a little more active. She has consented to be the first member. Yay! I will add more people over the next few days. I am hoping to have about 10 people there. Each has to be honest, upfront, invested in my success, and must want to help me reach greatness. Let’s see how it goes.

So, this is about for the day. Need to get moving with work. Quite a few things on my plate. Over and out.

020321 – Morning Pages

A quick post about how I dont have to write a post 😀

8:29. This is not the first thing am doing today. Work has picked up (yay!) and that means that time is at a premium now. And I have decided to push the limits and do podcasts and films and books and work!

I woke up at 6ish and went straight to my computer. And belted out a few emails, proposals, and other generic things. Then I had a longish chat with my sis. Then I bought a toothbrush, well, you know why. And then I had another work call. And another work call. And one more. Sigh. Will probably have to get up earlier.

I knew I had to talk about something but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.

I think one was that I am for some reason, ok to work from this home in Goa. Sir got Internet installed and now I don’t have to run helter-skelter. The latency and reliability are still an issue but I have internet. The other reason I think is that the place is spacious. Or maybe because this is in a quiet part of the most populous beach in India!

The other thing is that I am still on the fence about being in Mumbai or Goa. Truth be told, I am leaning more and more towards Mumbai. Simple reason is that I need to be in the middle of an ecosystem. Mumbai allows me that for sure.

What else? I cant think of anything. I think these pages are great braindumps only if you work on these in the morning.

Guess, will wrap this here and jump into the day. Over and out.

PS: I know this doesn’t amount to much. I am just glad that even if I get 300 words, I am able to write and publish. I want to keep this streak going for as long.

200221 – Morning Pages

Quick and dirty post today to talk about things that are clouding my head. Damn the cloud.

9:21. Starbucks, Versova.

There is no feeling better than an empty, cold Starbucks store with fast Internet! I just came here, got myself a coffee, and now parked on a chair as I type this. This is what an ideal day would be like for me. Have my mornings to myself. Ease into the daily grind. Manage things. And then sleep.

Yeah, I have a lot of work today as well. But since it’s a Saturday, no one is chasing me and thus I can plan my time the way I want to. This does not mean that I can slack. I just need to ensure that I use the time optimally. And work needs to be done. And thus I will keep this short.

Lemme see what’s on the top of my head.

1 Goa. I am going “back” to Goa next week. I am still on the fence about living in Mumbai or Goa. Thanks to this week in Mumbai, I am nudging towards Mumbai. The work ecosystem is incredible here and the phones work and people are available to meet. Yeah, am done with virtual jams, a handshake (or even a fist bump) is irreplaceable. The place allows for serendipity to happen. I could meet AS the other day cos he “guessed” that I would be at the Starbucks. I bumped into Nirav because we were hanging out at the same place. With both these people, I would never ever be able to chat on Zoom and get into interesting conversations.

I think this virtual world of working from anywhere is not sustainable. Us humans are social animals and we need to serve our primal urges. Of course, we are changing but at the core we are primal! But then, I could be wrong. I have been famously wrong about a lot of things in life. My most glorious failure is when the touch phones came in. I stuck to my Blackberry Bold because I loved the feedback that the buttons gave me when I typed like a maniac! I wrote off touch-screen phones. Look at them now. The other thing that I was terribly wrong about was fashionable masks. Rishi told me that we can work on making fancy, glittery masks but I told him that no one would use the fancy ones. People would want safety over anything else. But look at them now. They now make wedding dresses and matching masks. I know people that have some 10 different masks to go along with what they are wearing!

2. aPicADay. I have been on this streak since the beginning of the year where I am posting a pic a day on my public Instagram profile. I am beginning to lose interest in that. May be cos am holed up inside a lot? Maybe I am so busy with daal-roti efforts that I am stuck for inspiration? I dont know. But I need to reset it. No, I will not stop with it. Even if I dont have anything interesting to say, I will continue to post whatever boring ones I can click.

3. Ankur Tewari. I am listening to him croon on his guitar as I type this. And I love it! Here’s the track for the day.

4. Saurabh Garg’s IPO. Here’s the mad idea of the day. I have been thinking about this for a few days. And I will put this in action today. The idea is fairly simple. I will go to all the people that trust me and can “bet” on me and ask them for a 5 lakh rupee investment in me! I will create this fund and take bets on things that I’ve always wanted to do. In exchange, I will promise half of whatever I make in life to those who invest (to be distributed in proportion to what they invest in me). Of course, there is no chance that any of these ideas will work out (remember am wrong a lot?) but I will take a shot. One life.

Most of these ideas will be ludicrous but that’s ok. And I will ask only the closest friends. And the ones I reach out to are the ones that will have enough and more lying around to allow me to play. And if I lose their money, they would not feel bad about it.

One of my principles in life is to never mix money and relationships but I am lately realising that I need to depend more on people that care for me, rather than seeking solace in strangers.

Let’s see how this goes. In case you want to invest in me, lemme know.

5. Nothing else. Time to get back to work. These last few days have been maddening. So much so that am unable to focus on my babies. Fuck focus, am unable to even read emails, respond to texts or return phone calls. This is not like me. I hate when people go incommunicado (I got the spelling right by myself!!!) and I would never ever do this. But I haven’t been able to. It sucks. Deep down I cry about it. But I don’t know what to do about it. There’s no excuse for this and it’s the worst thing ever. But thanks for the patience and understanding of my partners, things are ok. I hope this phase passes soon. And I am back in action.

This is it for the time being. And no, no #book2 today either.

Over and out.

PS: I must write someday how my best work happens when I have the money to not bother about basics! #note2self

180221 – Morning Pages

A note on my scattered-ness and a dump of things in my head.

8 AM. Starbucks Worli.

This trip to Mumbai, I am having a bit of a bad run. Busy more than bad. I am so busy with work that I don’t have time to do anything at all. And old age is not helping. I get tired easily and I need those 7 hours of sleep. The house continues to be a mess. Ok. This is beginning to look like a rant. Lemme not do this.

Back to morning pages.

So, I am at Worli right now. I have a meeting at 1030 and to avoid traffic, I came in early and have parked myself at this Starbucks. I can do whatever in life but I can NOT get stuck in traffic. It takes my soul away like mad. So, Starbucks.

I am kinda scattered in my head right now. I don’t know what to do or write. There are way too many thoughts in my head. This is the first time am feeling scattered and overwhelmed. Of course, the entire world can see my problem with attention. They call it a problem, I call it diverse interests. Listening to this. On loop. Thinking about things. Oh, I am wearing pants. After I don’t know how many years. And I am carrying shoes. For the two meetings that are up next, I need to be in my formal best. And it sucks, especially after you come from Goa where the best formal attire is shorts and chappal. No, the locals don’t dress up like that. They are actually among the most well-dressed people I know. But they accept with open arms if you choose to wear shorts and a tee. Unlike Mumbai and other places.

A large part of this scatteredness is that the work has picked up. And I am juggling three things right now. And there’s so much to do that am scrounging for time. I am making calls from taxis and ricks. I am eating while working. I am sleeping and thinking about things. I can now relate to those Americans that talk about how they need to do 2 jobs to make ends meet. I know that I will have to cut on my sleep if this continues.

So on work, like I said, work has picked up. And that means that I no longer have to seek help (if I can continue to deliver to existing clients). Just that the work I do is low-value and thus I get paid shit. No, this is not even building my brand per se but it’s helping me tide through. This tide through is important. A friend told me something cool. She said when her husband quit his job to do a startup, they cut their expenses so much that they would take buses and trains and avoid taxis, etc. They decided that they need to lay low for a few years and consolidate and build from thereon. They did all of that and more. And they did tide through. And today they are doing great with three houses, fancy cars, and whatnot. May be I am in that place right now. Even if the work I do is low value, it allows me to survive. And that’s what matters. I need to lay my head low, work hard and try to upgrade the value of work, and do more.

And yes, I continue to look for more work. Higher value. Point me in the direction!

Apart from this, I need to book my Goa travel. While the decision to live there and create a coffee shop is still not firmed up, I need to help a friend manage an event on the weekend and I need to be there for that. The good news is that events are making a comeback in Goa at least. The bad news is that the ticket size remains dismal. Acche din aane wale hai 🙂

Oh, I met Ashima and Parijat yesterday at their house. It’s a big feat, considering they have a dog at home that hates me. But I survived the day and we got some work done and Ashi stuffed me with some of the best Rajma Chawal (my comfort food) I’ve ever imagined in the world and we talked about all the decisions that I need to take in life.

What decisions? Here’s a list that I chatted with Ashi on…

  1. Where to live (Mumbai? Goa?)?
  2. How to get fit and live for long?
  3. How to manage money?

There were 2 more things that I have redacted.

I have to say that a simple conversation with her is so so therapeutic! I could speak freely without any fear of any judgment or bias. And while I don’t have answers but I do have direction. For example, for the Mumbai vs Goa decision, she simply asked me why do I want to get out of Mumbai and I realized I don’t have an answer, except seeking a cheaper place to live. And suddenly, places more than Goa opened up! I mean why not Delhi? Pondicherry? Pune? Thane for fuck sake! Yeah, yeah, Goa gives me access to eclectic people and creative crowds, and newer opportunities. But that’s that. If this is my years to lie low and consolidate, why get stuck on Goa?

Yes, I am more confused than ever. But I do know that the variable I was looking at was incorrect. I need to fix it. Let’s see what I decide.

Before I move onto the next thing, here’s a plug. Ashi is a homeopathic doctor for people like you and me. And pets. I have referred her to a few friends that need help with their pets and EACH person has great things to say about Ashi. You must see her website and in case you want a homeopathic opinion for your pet, do reach out to her.

Next. Car.

So I was in a car yesterday that was as big as a lavish1BHK in Mumbai. I pine for a time when I’d have a car. I am not materially attached to it. It could get scratched, bumped, and all that. It could be any make, model etc. But I need a vehicle to get around. In fact, I think I should actually live in a car and shower at the hostels and all that. After all, my best ideas come to me when am either showering or I am in transit! Lol!

What else? Nothing I guess.

I started this with a rant on Mumbai and lemme end with another Mumbai rant. This trip, I am having a bit of a lucky run. Oh, I have to mention that I am having a bit of a lucky run! I said that I am scrounging for time. Every time I miss the deadline, somehow, magically the client would push it! I know this is not sustainable and a time would come when everything would come on my head at the same time. So, need to pull socks! I have used this pulling of socks a few times. Need to expand my dictionary.

That’s it for the day.

Over and out. And no, nothing on #book2. 🙁

150221 – Morning Pages

I talk about how I spent the weekend, think I am thinking on and new things am planning!

8:18. I thought it was 8. Time flies. Anyhow. Morning Pages. A new week.

This one comes from, well, a Starbucks! The one at Versova. I cant imagine to tell you what a relief it is to have a business that is operational and allows you to work in peace (and offers Jazz music as background noise). I wont be surprised if I decide to stay back in Mumbai just for a Starbucks! Really!

Or maybe create something similar in Goa? I wish I had the money and I would have done that!

Anyhow, so, the weekend was spent like a thug. Watching TV, eating like a man who’s been starving for years, going to dinners, lunches, coffee dos, taking pictures, tracking the sunset, making phone calls etc etc. Primarily with friends from MDI (more on this later). I think that’s not a bad life to have if you have a stable job. I mean you get paid a bomb and you spend all that money on fancy things at fancy places with fancy people. What’s wrong with that? Who cares if young activists are being jailed? Who cares if people are losing their jobs over tweets? Farmers are anyway not our problem. So let them stay camped on the borders of Delhi. COVID is no longer a threat. Let’s party.

Damn. I feel so so so guilty of wasting time over the weekend. I should have simply worked and finished things that were open on my plate and used the time to meet people while I am in Mumbai. Damn I need to be less critical on myself 🙁

But then what’s gone is gone. I can make sure today is better! Will try to not waste time. Let’s see how it goes. On to morning pages. As I write this, I know I will not have the time to work on #book2. I will try to but I can’t promise. Let me get on with it and unlike a journal, lemme try to write about things that are clouding my head. You know, the original purpose of morning pages.

A. Mumbai vs Goa
I don’t have very structured thoughts here. Ofcourse. Lemme just dump things here. So, when I am in Mumbai, I feel I have more time on my hands. I don’t know why. It just feels like that. Maybe because I spend less time chasing the Internet? And the entire city around me trying to work and get things done and all that? Maybe because of moving around / traffic etc, I think I am a lot more planned with time and all? I haven’t been able to pinpoint. Let’s see how this week goes. And I’ll hopefully figure out the answer.

But I have to say that I spend a lot more time in traffic when I am here. I mean, on the weekend I spent 9 hours commuting. Really. 9ish hours. Andheri to Worli. Worli to Bandra and back. Worli to SoBo to Worli to Bandra to Andheri. In Goa, maybe cos I don’t venture out of North Goa, I spend far less time on travel?

So that. Guess this week will help me add many more dimensions to how I am thinking about Mumbai vs Goa thingy.

B. Friends from MDI
Like I said, over the weekend, I met friends from MDI and it was nice. I was myself and there was this tacit camaraderie that I think I miss when I am with others. I guess that’s what shared backgrounds do. I guess this is what they mean when they say that relationships compound.

The other thing I realised that I am not the life of the party. I was with friends and most of our conversations were dry, drab, philosophical and you know, boring. JKB came in and suddenly, the place and mood was so much lighter and better and funner. JK is amazing. Glad that I can call him a friend. But the point is, I am not that. No, I dont want to be that. I am just stating.

The other thing that I realised is that I do not have a lot of friends or people that I go back so long with. While its fairly easy for me to meet new people, I think I shouldve invested more in people. No, it’s not too late. I will invest starting now. I think the drive I was on where I would prioritise myself over others need changing. I need to be there for my friends when they need me. I think Vivek will laugh at this 😀

C. Starbucks.
How can I write something and not praise Starbucks? So we were at this new coffee place in Bandra where all the hipsters were hanging out. This group of friends and I were trying to find a place to sit. There was this lady sitting on the table next to it. We asked her if the table we wanted was empty. She politely said, yes it was. And we sat. And then I thought I knew her. I asked her if we’ve met. Lol, no, not as a pickup line. She said she worked at a Starbucks in BKC and now she’s here. And then, she told me that she remembered me (and not my name, which is ok) and told me that my regular order was an Americano and I would come in early and I would take the only chair and table at the outlet. And then she said you are still dressed the way you were all those months ago (formal shirt, linen shorts, chappals).

Insane how well trained these people at Starbucks are! The lady remembered how I dress up, what order I had and where I sat. And I havent been to that particular store in

Oh, here’s a pic from that new place…

Clicked by Saurabh Garg, at JavaPhile Bandra

D. My first Clubhouse
After lurking in the shadows for so long, I finally made my Clubhouse debut. In a room where we talked about books. We were to talk about a passage from a book that has left an impression on you. I talked about a para from Jack Kerouac’s brilliant para from On The Road. It goes…

…the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

From On the Road by Jack Kerouac

I think I enjoyed being there. Need to use it lot more.


So yeah, that’s about it for today I think. Have a crazy day / week ahead. I like this rushed life to be honest. I am not made for taking it easy!

Chalo, more tomorrow. Over and out.

120221 – Morning Pages

Large part of what I wrote today is a rant. You may want to skip reading this. Nothing interesting or insightful here 🙁

7:45.

I am at the Starbucks where I wrote #tnks from. Powai one. I have some really incredible memories of this place. In fact, I love Powai better than all of Mumbai. I wish I would live here. If I do choose to move to Goa, I will probably find a few friends in various parts of Mumbai and make a shacking arrangement with them. This is very unlike me where I have wanted my privacy and my room and my comfort. But then, desperate times call for desperate measures. What to do.

Ok. Morning pages for the day. Like yesterday, I am rushed af. There is like a million things that I need to do. I have never been this rushed in life. I mean I am sure I would have been but I feel the pressure. The sad part is that all this pressure is neither giving me enough to make my ends meet nor creating a brand for me that I can leverage in the future. I often think that I should’ve taken the easy way out of Naukri and by this time I would be making a pot of money and would have had a comfortable house and a fancy car and those two foreign holidays. And no, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a very comfortable position to be in. What if you need to manage random politics? What if you are loaning the best years of life to help others realize their dreams? Won’t it be better from wake-shit-shower-work-work–work-work–work-work–work-work–work-work-eat-quickily-work-work-tindering-aimlessly-hoping-for-matches-sleep cycle that never seems to end? Ok rant ho gaya.

Moving on.

So Mumbai. Day 2. After almost 3.5 months. There are quite a few thoughts in my head that I want to pour on paper here but I don’t know where to start.

Do I like being in Mumbai?
I don’t know yet. But I like that Internet works. Things are easily accessible. Internet works. I mean the Internet at a random Starbucks in Mumbai works better than the co-working space in Goa that has the best internet!

Do I miss Goa?
Hell yes. I do.

Will I choose Mumbai over Goa?
I don’t know yet. I am undecided. Like VK said, I need to chase money. I’d go wherever money takes me. So that.

Chalo, lemme take a random track altogether. I’ve been asking people on Twitter for music that I could listen to. Vijesh (someone that I’d NEVER EVER ignore) recommend that I listen to Osho Jain. The dude’s called Osho! So I decided I would check him. Cut to the Mumbai house. Around the new year, I had participated in a couple of Secret Santas and there were a couple of books waiting for me. I opened those today in the morning. One of the books in there was by the Osho. Too many Osho’s in life happening too fast. I don’t know what to make of it. But what I do know is that Osho Jain’s music sounds like the kinds I would want to listen to! I love it! Here’s some

So that.

What else.

Ok. The house is in a mess. And I don’t even have the time to clean it. Since I have not really lived there, I don’t even have a house-help that I could rely on for all the chores. And I need to find one pronto. I hate hate hate hate mess. I should’ve probably called ahead and got it cleaned but I am yet to unpack all the boxes that my stuff is wrapped in since I moved. I thought I would spend a couple of days cleaning things but I am not sure that I have the time to do so. I am on a clock you know (need to back in Goa by 20th max).

Guess this is it for the day. Too much on my head. To a point that I was tired exasperated last night.

I was so fucked that for a change, I felt the need to have someone around me. Guess old age is catching up. Need to become more stable, more stoic, more detached, more atamnirbhar.

Come on, Mr. Garg!

No, no #book2 today either. I am slacking like a bitch. Sorry, Krishna.

100221 – Morning Pages

Nothing significant to report, except for a rant here and there. Mostly about old age and other people’s coolness 😀

0801. I woke up 10 mins ago. I have a lot to do and then I have a train to catch. I am thinking why am I even taking the train? Why am I going to Mumbai? Apart from one or two people that I may want to meet, I don’t know what else is in store for me there. I mean Mumbai has been home for a while now and there is no way I will quit it completely – I have to do films at some point in time in life and films can not move out of Mumbai for a bit. So that.

Lemme talk about the train. I have thought that while I am on the train, I will get some writing done. The inspiration comes from my experience in the flights. Every time I have taken a flight longer than 2 hours, I have realized that since I don’t have the phone beeping on my face all the time, I think deeper and I do better work. Some of the grandest and maddest thoughts come to me when I am holed in a plane.

So, I am thinking, on this long train, can I actually try and write? And unlike the plane, the train will probably offer me some space to walk around. Assuming that seats are as plush in the train and the AC is as “controlled” and the train doesn’t sway like a pendulum. Writing in turbulence has always been a, well, crazy experience. So, let’s see if I can get some writing done. If I can, this could become a great #lifehack where I take these long-distance trains to get the writing done. I have put my headphones, my Jio phone, my battery back, and every other device on charge. I want all the juice, you know. Let’s see how it goes. Will report tomorrow.

In other things, yesterday, I had a meeting at 11 PM yesterday and by the time it started, I was yawing like mad even though the person I met was among the most interesting ones ever. He must have hated the meeting. But to be honest, I had a blast of a time. It was after a while that I met someone who’s a combination of writing, emerging tech, hustle, global audience and much more. Need to be like him. And yeah, like all the cool people, he’s younger than me! Being old sucks. Really. For both reasons – no energy to do things after a certain hour and far fewer opportunities in front of you. Sigh!

What else. I don’t know what else to write. Oh yes, time. So, work has been picking up (yay!) but yet to be substantial enough to start paying the bills (damn!). The time is thus increasingly at a premium. So yesterday, I promised myself that I will wrap morning pages in 30 minutes or less. Including what I write for book2. Today, I have another idea. How about I play this track everyday and start and stop morning pages with it? This is about 23 mins long and I’ve heard it so many times that I remember every beat, every up and down from here! If nothing else, this will help me get into the groove easy. Let’s see. I played it some 15 minutes after I started writing and let’s see if I can finish this with the track. So today’s would be about 38 minutes. Which is ok I guess. Here is the track for your listening pleasure…

So yeah, that’s about it, I guess. I have 8 minutes on the track. Lemme try to write some for #book2. Here we go…

How could she take the plunge? How could she take the easy way out? Wasn’t she the kind to fight things out? She finally understood what Nidhi would have gone through to do things she did. Your back is against the wall so bad that you are left without a choice. But then Nidhi acted. Rujuta was merely reacting. Just because she’s been so unlucky in love so often, how can she let those rocks below smash her bones to pieces? How could she become a feast for the fishes? How could she let the sea engulf whatever was left of her after the rock and fishes had their way with her?

Ok, the words are not flowing. Publishing with just one para. Apologies 🙁

060221- Morning Pages

Nothing special today. Just a rant. And a post that I just did not want to write – blame it on laziness and general ennui.

9:36

No, this is not the first thing I am doing. Not even the second. Am showered, powdered, and at a coffee shop already. I’ve just placed an order for a black coffee and a sandwich. No, I don’t like such a “healthy” breakfast but I felt like ordering. So, gave in. Anyhow. Onto morning pages. I am still doing this before I get any work done or have any of my thoughts interrupt how things are going.

So, last night, I slept at a new place. This one is a serviced apartment and they had a Medimix to bathe with. I saw it and a million memories from the age-old travels to popular touristy and religious places came back. As a kid in a middle-class family, I think we traveled a fair bit. If nothing else, we went to places like Haridwar and Shimla and all that. Most times we stayed in cheap hotels, dharamshalas and other such places. Of course, these were nice, familial places and always had a variation of Medimix or Lux or one of those bathing bars. Even in trains that we used to travel to reach these places had these paper-thin soaps. Fuck that paper soap was a thing. It like a tiny book with soaped pages. You could tear one, wash your hands with it and see it disappear with the lather. Man, what days!

So coming back to the new place, it’s actually not bad and I think I can live for the rest of my life in serviced apartments.

Brings me to the all-important question. Mumbai vs Goa.

I don’t know the answer. I like it here and I don’t want to miss the opportunities I can potentially get in Mumbai. Living in Goa gives me that reset button that I’ve wanted for a long long time. But Goa doesn’t give me the kind of opportunities that can fix the puraane paap. So that. There are more things am thinking about. I even made this big-ass mindmap and yet I don’t have an answer. It sucks to be in limbo. But, it’s cool. Life’s a game. Let’s play.

The other thing that am thinking about is that maybe if I can find a way to support my kutumb[1]Kabeer famously said, “Sai itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye and myself, I will transition to becoming a full-time writer. No, I am yet to prove myself with writing. Plus I am not sure if I have the talent to do so. I don’t even have content or a body of work that helps me establish myself as that. I have famously failed at selling #tnks as a script to.

But then, I can try! I can take a million shots and see which one sticks. No? Let’s see.

What else? What else? Lemme make bullet points of things on the top of my head and make a list…

  1. I am in Mumbai in the next week. I have a couple of IRL meetings. So, if you are in Mumbai and want to meet me, lemme know.
  2. The poster of the next short that I helped come to life is out! I loved to see my name up there on the poster. More than anything else, it sends a message that I am around to support indie filmmakers. Yay!
  3. I drove a friend’s car yesterday in Goa and I hated it. I thought I would never say this, but I did. Maybe its the roads here, maybe its the traffic. Maybe cos I haven’t driven in a while?
  4. I worked from Design Centre yesterday and on the way back I thought things and for some reason, while I was riding, I had this surprising clarity of thought. I could even un-layer a few things that I was thinking on. I can’t seem to get this clarity when I am walking. Or running. I think it’s about using your body in some mundane chore and that helps your mind be active enough to start thinking on this. You know, how people go in those dreamy states? Must go on more such rides.
  5. An old contact resurfaced and offered me a job. I am not sure if I want to work for someone else. But then Kabeer and Kutumb! Sigh!

That’s about it, I guess. No, there’s no #freewriting for #book2 even today. I know I know I am being tardy. I am sorry 🙁

PS: Happy Birthday, Arti. I couldnt do half the things that I have managed in the last few months without you around.

040221 – Morning Pages

A page-full of self-talk, random updates and nothing special to report per se. Avoid if you want to.

7:28. Feel ok. Not too happy. Not too sad. Not too. confused. Not too content. One of those states where I am just being. Which is a good thing. Contentment is nice. For whatever it is worth.

And I have nothing to write about. Lol.

Really. I can’t think of a single thing to write about. Fuck fuck fuck. Lemme try. I am sitting outside Rajesh Sir’s house. Listening to Berklee’s rendition of Kun Faya Kun. Have some 25 tabs open. On the new M1. Tethered to the Vodafone connection that is surprisingly working today. The Jio Phone is not. Lol. The mysteries of the Internet and mobile phones in Goa. Reminds me I have an important call. And in Goa, that is giving me jitters. What if the Internet decides to stop working at the last minute? Lol. When did I become the kind to think so much about work? Managed a fast yesterday. The last thing I ate was at 3 AM or so yesterday (not today) before I went to sleep. So as we speak, I haven’t had a thing for more than 24 hours now. Except litres of water and more liters of lemonade. And chewing gum. I think a chewing gum is the secret ingredient you need to fast for long hours. I had told myself that I would fast for 48 hours. Let’s see if I can manage today without eating. If I can, I will gun for 72. And then 96. Kunal has challenged me to fast for 7 days. My longest has been 50 something, if I am not wrong. I tend to forget these things. Lol, king of wishful thinking I am.

Ok. What else?

I cant still think what to write.

Mumbai vs Goa? Work? Relationships?

Lemme take a stab at each. In reverse order.

Relationships – nothing home to write about. Lesser spoken the better. Like I said a few days ago, I miss the physical proximity of people that I care for (which is like 2 people and I know they don’t want me around – I mean they want me but not all the time). So, that.

Work – I seem to be un-hireable. Which is a good thing. I mean I am tempted to live an easy life with a packed calendar, fat salary and PF and company laptops and petty politics and flings with people you work with and year-end bonuses and all that. With all these, you have an option of those foreign travels, fancy cars, lavish buffets, designer clothes, and whatnot.

Mumbai vs Goa – I remain undecided. I like it here in Goa. But I miss the predictability of Mumbai. I love the opportunities that a large city like Mumbai offers for creating a large business that can have a global reach and can impact billions. And I crave connections with creative people in Goa that no other place has. This is the first time I am thinking this hard about such decisions. I think when I moved to Mumbai in 2013 (or was it 14?), I just one day announced that I am going. I slept on the floor of Satya’s bedroom and then eventually took a house. Life was easy, simple. But then I was 6 years younger. I had the time to do whatever I wanted to. People respected my ideas. I probably had some money to get thru tough times. Not any more. I am older, poorer, behind the times. I…

Wait!

Remember life’a a game?

Lemme play this game and piece together a solution. WTF! I can not be in this limbo.

Wait and watch.

Bas ho gaya.


There’s no #freewriting for #book2 today. Rather, I will use the time to work on SoG on playing the game (subscribe here). And the Goa working guide that I have been working on for 2 months. I Will ship both today and update links here.

Let’s fucking start.

Shipping.

Enough.


PS: Wrote these sidenotes (things that popped into my head as I wrote this piece). I can’t seem to fit these anywhere in the narrative and thus keeping them here. Yeah, it fucks the reading experience for you. But then these are my morning pages. These are what I need to save and think on and act on and all that. So ignore if you have to.

  1. I need to accept that I am a failure – a public one at that (lol, even in this, am trying to sound like Steve Jobs! What a loser you are, Mr. G.)
  2. I need to choose between a start-up that reaches a billion, films that reach millions, writing that reaches thousands, etc.
  3. I need to start happening to things (and not let things happen to me). It’s funny that I give this advice to everyone around me and often fall prey to this.