270821 – Morning Pages

I longish post on how work, social constructs, luck, self-flagellation, travel and more. Kind of depressing. Read with caution.

7:05. Lokhandwala. Even though I am mere 7 days away from quitting this place (and I’ve had this for almost a year now), I still can’t seem to call this place home. There’s nothing home-like here. Too many old things from the landlord. Too few people that I would’ve liked to invite to make this into a home. No memories, no routines, no customizations were created. And it’s ok. I dont think I will miss this place at all. This one remains the second most worse house I’ve ever lived in, in Mumbai. The one in Peter Apartments takes the cake. The common thing between the two is that both are old houses with older furniture piled by the landlord to expect more rent. The lesson is that the next house that I move in, has to be empty, barring the ACs. And I refuse to own things till I know I will not have to move. Shifting a house is probably more stressful than managing an event.

Anyhow. It’s gonna be gone in less than a week. I will move most of my things out tomorrow. Leaving behind a change of clothes, a couple of bedsheets, and some toiletries. Will move everything (writing table, books, etc etc) tomorrow. So, the dream of living in a bare house shall come true. I actually did it with the last house as well. I slept in the empty house after I had moved all my things. And it was discomforting and weird and interesting af. Let’s see how is the experience in this house.

So, yesterday was a good day. From 8 till about 3 I was at a Starbucks (not my regular one though) and had some 242 green teas. Then I met a friend for another tea. The highlight of that meeting is that the friend told me that he’s for a membership to the MCA. Wow! So so cool! Also reminded me of the challenge thrown by Rana Sir. #lifeGoal! Among other things, I gave a lot of gyaan to this friend about life and all. And I realized that I enjoy doing that. Who doesn’t 😀

Then I had a work meeting where I had to present something. Oh, and I enjoyed it! It went ok, to be honest, we could’ve done more. But I loved that I was in a conference room, talking about things. I must do it more often. I mean, while I hate this concept of inter-city travel, I love the idea of being able to jam intelligently on things. I wish I could do it more often. I am ok even life makes me a traveling salesman that is on the road all the time talking. I am ok with having no home to come back to. There’s actually nothing I can call home. Probably apart from my parent’s house in Delhi. That too is fading away soon – you know, I’ve been away for too long, I am used to this weird lifestyle where I dont want anything or I want it as plush as an Ambani would have. So yeah.

Post the meeting, went out with colleagues for dinner. Till that time I had refrained from eating. Even though I was on the road. And then I gave in. The time when I had to show my biggest restraint, I gave in. But then, I only ate in that one window. So OMAD nonetheless. Will try yet again today for a 48-hour fast. Lol!

The other thing I realized is that I am unable to hold conversations that are about worldly matters. I did not know the cricket score. I had no clue what is the ideological difference between Taliban and ISIS. And how are they different from others. I had no inkling of the films and Netflix series that they were talking about. But when the topics swung to work, I could talk and I was unstoppable. This uni-dimensionality to my life needs to either become more pronounced. Or needs to go. I don’t know which. But one of these has to happen. #note2self

So that was yesterday.

Today looks a little ok. I mean I dont have any rushed meetings anywhere. I do have a few presentations to make. I do have some slides to write. But that’s that. A lot of time will be spent packing whatever little needs to be packed. So far my life is contained in 3 Ikea bags full of books, a carton full of paper, a big suitcase full of clothes and that’s all. I will probably have one more carton and one more suitcase. Of course the writing-table and all that.

Oh, almost forgot. In the big news, the road trip that I was super excited about for the last month or two? It got canceled. Technical reasons. I will no longer be able to meet all those people that I had promised to meet en-route Delhi. I will no longer be able to do the long-planned atma-manthan. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to happen in the first place? Maybe it will happen while I am walking towards EBC? But then, who knows if that gets canceled as well? You know how life could be. Despite me being a destiny’s child, life does hand me lemons when I least expect it to. I think I should get this “Expect the best. Prepare for the worst.” tattooed on me. Apart from “this too shall pass”. Good that I sat with SJ2 and got my will actioned. In case he forgets, in the worst-case scenario, if I am gone, I want my digital footprint wiped. I’d have no way of knowing if that happens but I trust custodians of my will to manage that.

Oh, btw, I decided to make a vlog of the trip to EBC. I am going to buy a few gadgets – a camera, gimbal, battery packs, etc. I am not sure if I want to go all-in and think about the vlog (rather than being in the moment and walking and thinking). But the idea has taken seed. I need to think over the next 5-6 days if I want to do it. Let’s see.

So, I am taking a train to Ahmedabad to meet Krishna. And then from there on, I’ll take a flight to Delhi (will or shall?). This means that all the things that I wanted to dump in Delhi, I can no longer carry. I will have to trust SJ2 or Paras with those things. They are reliable people but then those things are not mine and I am a mere custodian and I want to thus be super careful. Also, I had thought I would take a few things that my parents could use in Delhi (read TV) but then that may not happen. These are the times when I sort of crave for a lot of money. You know, I would’ve bought a car and then dumped it in Delhi. The experience of being on the road for 5 days is what I was looking forward to. Wish I was resourceful enough to do this.

Wait. Fuck my misery.

The talk of resourceful reminds me of the Jeff Bezos quip. He says that the single largest quality he seeks in his partners / teams is resourcefulness. I think he said something like, “if I get trapped in a third-world country prison, I want my partner to be able to rescue me from there.” This is EXACTLY what is happening in Afghanistan. I am thinking if this were to happen in India tomorrow, do I have resourceful people to get out of India? Or if my favorite person was trapped in Af right now, could I’ve got her out? No. And No. So that means, I need to put in more work. And I need to inculcate this in every young person I meet.

To the thing above, if I need a balancing thought, I can say that I did get some help from a couple of loose connections (Jash and another writer) on a new project that I am pitching for. And both of them are willing to work on it without seeking any upfront compensation. So, in a way, I do have access to people that can help me if needed. Even last year when I needed help, I was surprised that loose connections were more approachable and helpful than the ones I share a strong bond with. Life’s funny like that. Actually, not life. Us humans are funny. We look at patterns and try and seek evidence in support of the ones we believe to be true. And I somehow manifest them to repeat. I can put forth a lot of examples. My romantic partners lose interest in me after a bit and consider hanging out with me an “embarrassment” in the worlds they live in. My “boy gang” continues to march forward on frivolous conversations and is hardly around to help with fuckeries of life. I seem to quit work right when I was just supposed to reap the benefits. I’ve lived almost 40 years with this pattern. This cycle. Dunno when and how I would break out of it.

Ok enough. Rant. Damn this promise to live in public.

Guess this is about it.

Felt amaze to write 1000+ words after a while.

Thing is, when I have things to write about, I can write fast and I can make sense. I just need to be able to do this even when I have nothing in my head. That’s when magic would happen!

Chalo with that, it’s over and out. In less than 35 minutes, I have 1500+ words. Well done, Mr. G!

Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 169
  • #noCoffee – 12
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 6770
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 259

250821 – Morning Pages

Quick post on tabs pandemic, people, proximity, photos, pains of traveling in Mumbai.

7:43. In shelter. I am here till about 11. Have a few calls where I need to be in a silent, quiet room and defend a case per se. I can’t really take calls from Starbucks. I am thinking, the days I am gonna be in Delhi, I would not have a quiet room per se. I do have a separate room per se but I am not sure how quiet it is going to be. Let’s see when we reach there.

So the largest thing, on the top of my head, is the pandemic of unclosed tabs. I have some 1200 tabs open that need work on. I mean not open per se but the ones that I need to act upon. I dont even know how to close those. Some are videos to be seen, some are things to be read, some are things to do. I dont know what to do about it. I am in that circle where I open tabs like my life depends on those and then keep pushing them back. Any solutions anyone?

The highlight of the day has to be the walk on the Versova beach with AdiSave. We talked about life, work, projects, and all that. And then a quick meeting with SJ and him. We talked about TRS, the future, and all that. I love such meetings, such conversations. I love the idea of sort of planning where I want to be. And then actually making things happen that take us there. Also, I love these in-person meets. There’s something about being able to see someone from up close that a Zoom call does not cut.

Oh, and here’s a pick from the walk yesterday. I think this is among the best pics I’ve clicked in a long long time.

Tell me when you spot the guy. He was supposed to be the focal point 😀

The thing is, I could meet Adi Sir cos he lives close by. It’s not really walking distance but I can meet him fast enough if required. I also called Rana Sir. He lives far from where I am and thus it was a phone call (and not an in-person meeting). I spoke to Hemant Sir about things. While these phone calls are awesome, they’re not really my thing.

In fact, I wish everyone I care for, lived within walking distance from me. That’s the thing. At a point in time, VG made plans that all of us friends must live together as grow old. I am not sure if that will pan out. Let’s see if it does. I just hope it’s not in India. And if it is in India, it has to be a beach. Or mountains.

Actually, I can’t do a laidback life. I would want to be bang in the middle of the action! So let’s see.

What else?

Oh, I sat with SJ2 the other day and gave him dope on what to do in case I dont come back from EBC. I dont want to be the guy that leaves a mess behind.

Of course, I ate kachra like a man coming from a famine. No, not a good thing. But I can not seem to control what I eat and how I eat and where I eat and all that. I need to figure out a solution to this food problem. Ok. Here’s a promise. I will make another attempt at a 48-hour fast from today on. I had the last thing at around 1 AM last night. So I will try to eat the next thing on the morning of the 28th. Let’s see if I can manage.

Today looks like a longish day with a few meetings, few calls, and a lot of other small errands. Like I said, the first one is important enough for me to stay back and not go to a Starbucks. So that.

Guess this is about it for the time being. More tomorrow. I have to travel to Lower Parel tomorrow and need to stay there till 7:30 PM at least. Bummer. Dreading it already. The good part is that I have a train pass / ticket and that means I dont have to get stuck in the traffic. In the morning, it’s anyway ok. The evening is what I am worried about. Chalo let’s see how it is.

Oh, before I end, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 167
  • #noCoffee – 10
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1385
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 257