170321 – Morning Pages

A report on how I spent yesterday. No forward-looking statements in this one, except my attempt at fasting for at least 48 hours.

7:16

I just woke up. Still tired. Groggy. Listening to Jagjit Singh talking about Teri Khushboo wale khat.

I got my COVID test yesterday. It was painful, at least for me. I am told that it’s not really bad and I can see why it’s not bad. But to be honest but then my pain tolerance is pathetic. More than physical pain, my tolerance for any other kind of pain is even lesser. Like I was at the emergency ward at Kokilaben when I took the test (yeah, the swabs for COVID tests are collected at the emergency ward) and I saw various emergency cases being rolled into the hospital. There was an elderly woman who wasn’t breathing. A young girl had fractured her legs. A patient was being moved from emergency to general ward.

And since the test is done by the doctors in the emergency, I had to wait for about an hour. Which is understandable. And then the test was done. And it was painful af, like I told you guys already. And no, this test was not required. I am not at risk but I still wanted to rule out any possibility. So that.

But when I was filling the form at the hospital, they asked me to fill in the names of two people that they could inform in case of emergency. This is when you realize who really matters for you. You know, who you want around you when you are probably facing a life and death situation. And truth be told, I could think of just one name and I put that one name. I mean I wanted to put my sister’s name but she’s like a million miles away and there’s no way she can be bothered in case of emergency.

So that. The other highlight of the day has to be all the food that I ate. You know, like a regular human being, I had breakfast, lunch, evening snack, dinner, and few in-betweens. I think the reason I feel groggy this morning is probably because I ate all those carbs and processed things shit. I have to have to HAVE TO avoid hospitals at all costs. I need to get going. So, here’s the thing. I will gun for a 2-days fast. And then I will go on for as long as I can. Really. This time I will do it. Izzat ki baat hai. I will eventually add some sort of workout to my regimen. But I need to get the hernia operated on before that. Maybe I will start with dance or yoga?

The other thing I want to talk about is my inability to afford a better house. I’ve been meaning to shift from the current house and get to one that is a little more spacious. And I want to live in a newish building. But then aukaat tells me that I cant. I also have to get it off my head that I actually saw some houses with a broker. I almost finalized a house that was as plush as houses get in Mumbai and at least as spacious as I wanted. I made an offer that the landlord accepted. I had almost given the token to block it. But at the last minute, I pulled back. I had to apologize to the broker and the new landlord and the universe. I felt really bad and it was one of those tough decisions that I’ve had to make.

If I zoom back and look at it from up top, I think my decision-making muscle was fucked. I should have considered the costs upfront. And then never got into a hunt. Then, while I looked for a place, I should’ve done the maths and not went to houses that I couldn’t afford. Then, even when I looked at places, I shouldn’t have made an offer. I should’ve thought about it. And once I made the offer, I shouldn’t have cancelled. Zubaan ki damn keemat, bro! Anyhow. So that.

Work seems to be picking up on all the projects that I am on. This means I will have some more money to play with. And cause movements with. Yay! I just need to figure out how these continue to grow and accrue.

So that. And to end the post, here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages – 95
  • #aPicADay – 76
  • 10K steps a day – 0 (couldn’t manage 10K)
  • OMAD – 0 (ate a million meals)
  • #noCoffee – 7
  • #noCoke – 7
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0

With this, its over and out. See you guys tomorrow.

190221 – Morning Pages

Quick post today. Did not have time to write, format, edit, spell-check etc.

Read at peril.

4:59 AM

I slept at 2ish. I was up at 4ish. I have way too much work on my plate and thus this thievery of sleep. I know this is not good but I have to juggle this. On top of this, people I care for are being dicks and that’s affecting my output. But I shall remain calm and carry on.

I will write this alongside work. I will steal moments and every time I take a break I will write this. I have a question to start things with. What to do about morning pages on days like today? I mean I don’t have a minute to die and yet I want the non-stop streak? Do I just log in and post a para and get over with it? Or do I actually prioritize this over others? Do I not count the days I don’t write 1000 500 words?

5:43. Met ASTwitter yesterday. He gave me a reality check. I am lucky to have him around in my life. He asked me tough questions about what I am doing in life (when I told him am thinking to shuttle between Mumbai and Goa). He made me realize that I am being an irrational fool. Something RGMDI has told me often! Thing is, if I cant convince him, I don’t think I can convince anyone else. He makes me see the mirror and unlike all the other people I know, he’s super blunt!

6:37. I like this. Work deeply without interruptions. Break. Write something random. Probably forget what was clouding your head at 4:59. Think of things to write. Recommend music. Like, right now, am listening to this one

7:44. Took a break. Showered. Waiting for clock to hit 7:54 so that I can leave for Starbucks. I am so fucked with work. I am going to get so many stinkers that it’s not funny. Anyhow.

While I was showering, an epiphany happened. Probably cos of this stranger I met yesterday at Starbucks. So this girl walked up to the community table that I generally sit on. She goes, can I sit here. I was like, sure. And then she said, without me asking, I went to give up and I just could not. Took me a while to understand what she was talking about. Once it dawned on me, of course, I had to intervene. We got talking and she was there for an hour or so. We talked and I hope she went home fine and she’s ok now. The point is while talking to her, I revealed all the darkest secrets about me – you know, problems with work, money, relationships, Mumbai, Goa, life, et al. And I realized that it is super duper easy to talk to a stranger. I’ve never felt this comfortable talking to anyone about my issues. Not even to SG2, VG, VK, or AG (le seale, tera naam aa gaya). May be that’s why I depend on a blog? Maybe that is what inspires me to live in public?

Another thing I realized is that when going gets tough, pushy-ness often tilts you over the edge. Like right now, I am being pulled in like 5 directions by 5 people. And I am this close to giving up. But of course, I cant. Again, that’s not the point. The point is that I just need to become less pushy with people around me. I’ve seen how toxic things and work and cultures can get. I need to become nicer.

The last thing I am realising now is that I am getting old. You know, how it creeps up on you? I was very sure of pulling an all-nighter today. But guess what? I fell asleep and couldn’t finish my things. Growing old is no fun 🙁

So that.

I think that’s about it. Need to move my butt. Need to decide what to do of the morning pages on the day when I don’t have Internet. Or when I have so much work that I cant write. Like today.

It’s 7:54. Gotta go.

291220 – Morning Pages

604 AM

I have had a sleepless night. After quite a while.

Why?

Well, multiple factors. Missed deadlines at work. Passion projects seemed to be going sideways. Personal life seems to be going off track. People clearly don’t like and I’ve built my life being a likable person and in general, being helpful and all. A friend turned client called me at 11 to complain about a colleague turned parter. A friend working on a startup seems to be struggling and I cant seem to help him at all. And there is a lot more!

I guess life happened!

And so much more.

Like I tweeted yesterday, what a day!

It was so bad that I ended up loading on carbs like a mad man. All the lo-carb thingy that I was on since the last few days have gone for a toss. I would love to talk about what happened and why it happened and how it happened and if I was at fault. But writing about it and ranting about it would not help. I actually don’t know what would help. I guess this too shall pass. #note2self – write about these on #sgEchoChamber.

So, anyhow.

There were some silver linings as well. I have a few interns from SP Jain working with me to market the Marketing Connect Podcast and I had a session with them where I gave them gyaan. I realized yet again that I love talking to young people. Need to scale it somehow.

Plus, I was working out from Clay and towards the evening, I took time to see the sun go down at the Anjuna beach. It was mesmerizing. Doing nothing and watching the sun hide behind the waves. And since it was less crowded than the Baga where I normally hang out at, it was lovely. I must make it a practice to see it go down every day. There was this colleague at a point in time – Guru. He worked out of Goa and he would insist that we need to go watch it. Yesterday I saw that he meant. It was his birthday a few days ago and I must drop him a line, wishing him and thanking him for the tip. But then, he thought I was a nutcase and he may or may not read my email. Heck, his email address that I have may no longer be valid.

Anyhow, here are some pics for you to enjoy. I am proud of how these have come out. One of these has been edited.

I think I have the talent for photography and I must pursue it. What do you think?

Damn I wish I had more lives!

Apart from this, I am not sure I can write a lot, to be honest. The head is still reeling from all the fuckery that happened yesterday. Of course, I am to blame for all of it. I need to mend my ways. If nothing else, I need to become so unbreakable that even though things so sideways, I need to not get riled up and eat like a man coming out of famine. I have to be stronger. Lol, self-talk!

It’s still 630. And less than the requisite 30 minutes of writing. Lemme carry on.

Oh yeah. One of my old employers and the man who taught me most of what I know called me after ages. He wanted some tiny help. Did that for him. I realised that I would do whatever it takes for his approval. In fact I am realising that if you dont take people from your past into your future, it is not the greatest feeling. While the novelty of a new relationship is exciting, the ease of doing things with the old is something that makes work happen faster!

Talking of fast, life in Goa is making me realize the importance of fast, high-speed internet. There are a million things that you take for granted when you are in the commercial capital of the world. Fast internet is one of those. The entire last night when I was rolling around in the bed, I realized that I couldn’t even distract myself by watching a mindless film because I did not have internet. I couldn’t work because a simple Keyword Planner tool on Google would not open up. This piece is being typed on my blog that is using an internet connection of my mobile phone that is hanging at the edge of the building I live at and I am perched up so that I could be in the range.

I can talk about slowness if I have to but I think I am not the one designed for it. I understand the concept philosophically but I don’t believe in it. Yes, there are things that need slowness to happen. But then that’s that. We can NOT extrapolate those things to everything else, like a lot of people do. Life has to be in the fast lane. I mean it is very very unpredictable. And is random at best. You are like a blip on the radar and you may just go poof randomly. I’ve lost someone important this year. And I know at least two friends that have lost a parent. I lost a classmate from MDI. She was my age. No, I did not know her at all. Even at MDI, I would have spoken to her probably once in all of two times and never ever since. But when I heard about her, I was zapped.

To be honest, I have nothing against the concept of death. I even believe in it. The problem is in the suddenness, the unpredictability, the waste of an opportunity that people and talent have when they die. I mean we lost Rahat Saab this year. Imagine the words he would write, the fires he would ignite in our minds, the impact he would have had if he were around!

I mean we could have an earthquake and all this planning of the future that never seems to be arriving could be rendered meaningless! If there is one thing that I am learning from the day yesterday, it is that life is fucking short. And slowness has no place in it.

You ought to act.

Now.

There’s no time like now. No place like here.

Err on the side of action.

Ready. Fire. Aim.

Steve Jobs has famously said, “your time is limited”. It is my screensaver.

The wallpaper on my phone is Memento Mori. It is the memento that I carry along. Must get one real-life, physical one.

Do not wait for perfection. This is a lesson that a 73-year old man once gave me. And trust me, this man HAS seen the world!

Do so much, so often that the trail you blaze leaves others in awe and makes them inspired to do more in life!

With that motivational pep-talk to self, I hope I would get over the fuck-all-ness of the day yesterday. Time to get going and act.

Over and out!