260821 – Morning Pages

A shortpost lamenting about lack of money, fancy things, audience and more. Damn these ranty and negative posts!

8:30. Starbucks. Somewhere in Lower Parel. I am here yet again. Second time in less than a week or so. Work. Sigh. I am now realising how incredible a waste of time this face to face meetings are, especially when it’s mere transactional work. TBH, today is not transactional per se. This one is an important meeting. But this could very well have been a Zoom call. But theek hai. Kaam hai. Karo.

So, yesterday I was supposed to start a 48-hour fast. But I ended up eating like a pig. That was coming out of famine. I ate whatever I saw. Even if the taste was BS and all I ate was fried in oil that was already heated and re-heated a million times. As a result, my stomach has revolted. I have this funny feeling in my gut. I dont know what to do to solve it. I remember Vijesh telling me that each time you are unwell, just fast for 3 days and have just coconut water. So lemme try that today. I mean today I will have to have a lot of green tea (aka ghaas ka paani) as I am on the road but I can have coconut water from tomorrow on. Let’s see.

Also, yesterday, a funny thing happened. I have to log it in here. I am part of the team that is making a short film. For that, since it’s an indie film, we need to save as much money as we can. The team decided that they would pick things from our respective homes and houses and decorate the set. They thus decided to come over to my place. And when they were decided that, I realized that I hate to let strangers come over to my space for inspection. I dont have anything to hide. I have just a handful of things. Even those, most are packed already. I keep my place mostly tidy. But when the decision was made to come over to my place, I was fucked in my head. And these were people that I trust and love and care for and all that. And for a project that would help me go beyond in life. And yet I heard my pit growl. I dont know what it is about getting people in places where I live.

I remember last year when I lived at a fancier place, during the lockdown, VG and AS came over on some frivolous pretext. I was mindfucked for a week after that. The same thing happened when I lived in a fancy locality but a fuckall house. I think it’s my insecurity at the inability to make enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers. I need to think more about this at some point in time in life. Let’s see when. #toThink

Oh, I got paid for a project that I had done in June. This means I can now fund the film that I spoke about earlier. And more importantly, I can pay my people. Yay!

Ok. Moving on. Next thing. Today.

For starters, I am gonna try and fast today.

Today looks like a bad day. In the sense that I am already in unchartered waters (wearing pants, formal shirt, carrying shoes, at a place that is known for poshness). Plus way too many things open with way too many projects for one of my clients. Plus the growling stomach and the parched heart. Wah. Parched heart. I wish I was more famous and my words found more homes.

I just hope that I can avoid the temptation to eat while I am zipping thru the town. Of course, I have discovered that as long as I am busy in my head, I can. So maybe I need to do that. Keep myself occupied. With what? I dont know yet. Let’s see.

Guess this is it for the day.
I shall report back how it is tomorrow.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 168
  • #noCoffee – 11
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1886
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 258

240821 – Morning Pages

A weird post where I touch upon a million things under the sun. Clothes, Mumbai, Fitness, EBC and more.

8:23. Woke up a few minutes ago. Groggy. I actually slept at 3 or something. I was in bed at around 10:30 but I couldn’t just sleep. I even ordered a parantha at 1ish and ate. Thereby fucking up OMAD. I have just about 2 weeks to get to EBC and I am running way behind on my attempts at getting ready for it. I may be in for a surprise when I am there. I just hope that in the worst case, they airlift me back to humanity! And just to be prepared, I sat with SJ2 and gave him access to all my passwords. And the will. In case.

So, in the news yesterday, I did a lot of work. It was one of my most productive days, to be honest. Even though I did not move the needle on a lot of things but I did have control over my time and delivered on most things that were expected from me. So that was cool.

Oh, I was dressed in an office shirt (and shorts :D), and no I did not see the advantages of dressing up well. I did not make any heads turn. I did not feel more confident. I did not have strangers walking up to me and telling me that they feel I could be a fit in their next film. Rather I was sweating (it was hot yesterday) and that meant that I am not sure if I would take the adventure of dressing up to help me get ahead in the world.

What else? The thing is when you are so groggy, there is this lingering, mild headache, you dont know what to do. You can’t think straight. The best way to get out of this is to go take a walk. Or maybe eat something. If not even that, have some coffee or something. Lol.

Ok, lemme write bullet points about what’s on my head. This often works for me.

  1. M is moving away from Mumbai in the next 6 months. She’s probably the closest thing I have that I am attached to at an emotional level. Everything else is expendable. Thing is, I am randomly getting emo about it. I mean it is good for her in the long run if she’s out of here. There are better oppourtunities. She gets to spread her wings and get away from the cocoon that she’s living here in.
  2. I feel guilty at some level for not being able to work out and all that. Thing is, I just can’t use my mornings for anything but work. And by evening, things from the day are piled and there is no time. Plus I am unable to start by myself. I mean I can work all that I want to. But I can’t work out. It’s way too boring! The only sustainable way for me to make it work would be to start engaging in some sport in the after-work hours.
  3. I’ve been reading about some criticism of Dr. Peterson. No, I havent found anything alarming. I mean people dont like the fact that he’s a “conservative” but there’s no logical argument against what he preachers. Guess that’s true with every polarising figure. Anyhow. This is still WIP.
  4. I have this opportunity where I could with with BA on his idea as a co-founder. I am at a place where I have enough and more work on my shoulders. I am almost getting comfortable in terms of money I make. I do want to make more. I am not sure if I have the bandwidth to work on it at a deeper level. So I am at this crossroads. Need to take a call. Will probably do so while I am walking up the EBC.
  5. There’s so much flux in life right now! There are so many open things on my head right now that I am not sure where to find peace. I mean I am distracted a lot. I am thinking a lot about random things. There seems to be this hulchul just below the surface. I dont know what’s causing it. I dont know what’s the antidote. I dont know what’s the solution. But I know something is wrong for sure and it needs fixing.

So this. I know a lot to dump. Should I get back to meditation or something? I dont know. Let me try today.

I am hoping to not go to a Starbucks today. Let’s see if I can manage that. I know I won’t be able to. I mean it’s like a habit, a routine. And anyway I dont have a lot of time left here in Mumbai. I would be gone in less than 10 days. But what goes in trying to write and seeing if I can manage to stay “in shelter”.

So that’s about it. Ok, need to move on with the day. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 166
  • #noCoffee – 9
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 4098
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 256

120821 – Morning Pages

If you read this beyond the evident layer, you would see that I am literally screaming for help. Or am I?

6:20. Woke a few minutes ago.

Little mindfucked about how things are at my end. Both at work front. And on the personal front. Sadly I can’t talk about either on this post. I know I want to live in public and be open and honest about things but most of my misery and mind-fuckery has been caused by others. Or, should I say, my expectations from others?

Wait.

That’s something I can fix. What I expect from others. And how I react to things when what I expect does not come my way. A large part of what Aurelius taught was this. You know, you suffer more in imagination than in reality. I am otherwise amazing. I am a man of free will (well, almost). I have enough food on my plate. I can afford expensive coffee on a daily basis. And yet I am miserable. So, I think I need to work on making my inner game strong.

I know. Easier said than done. I dont even know what to do to get stronger. Any clues anyone? Wait. No one’s reading these. I am by myself. So what clues. Sigh.

Ok. Changing tracks.

I used to write these letters to people where I would share things I’ve learned from others. You know, SoG Letters. Here’s a complete list. Yesterday someone replied to one of the letters from two years ago. In that email, she packed in so much advice and inputs in that email that I ended up doing 10 half-pushups (with my knees on the floor). If I can do 40 more during the day, I would’ve probably ganga-nahaoed. Ok. Wait. Lemme do 10 more. Done. I am a bit woozy. But done! Yay! 20 half-pushups! I just need to do this every day. Maybe I will stack it as a habit. Every time I publish this post, I will do 10. Lol! Who’d say I am 38! Anyhow. So, thanks to this email, I have decided that I will compile some of those letters in the book. I have tried multiple times in the past and have failed. I must compile these letters into SoG Book. Come what may! #toDo

Maybe instead of working on book2, I could work on SoG book every day in the morning for the next 30 odd days? At least I can make it publishing-ready? Hmmm. Interesting thought. Lemme think about this while in the shower. Sounds like a good idea. At least I would ship something. Book2 is anyway delayed by like 7 years. I dont think anyone is missing it. #toThink

So that.

Ok. I am back after a break. Showered and all that. At a Starbucks. Still on the fence about what I want to do (Book2 or SoG Book) till I go away from the grid. I mean I will be with a few other people but I would not be reachable apart from those people. I will work on SoG Book from 8:30 on. Let’s see if I am fully engaged with it.

That’s about it. See you guys on the other side.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday.
  • #noCoke – 154
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 244

250721 – Morning Pages

SG’s shades of grey.

6:45. Just like the last few days, I woke up once again with this sense of sadness and tinge of melancholy in my head. I believe I am a strong person and if going thru what I am going thru is hard for me, I can’t imagine how it would be for a common person.

Nothing seems to be interesting. Or exciting. Not even watching Taarak Mehta, leave alone those complex films with characters that have shades of grey. Grey. Or Gray. Or whatever it is. That’s how I feel. Maybe I am not getting enough Vitamin D. Or B12. May be I am not getting enough human connection. Maybe I am not getting enough money. Maybe… I mean I dont even know what is lacking in life. I mean I know what is but I cant seem to pinpoint and get an antidote. I feel grey. Feeling blue, if you will.

And it’s affecting how I live. And who I am. I am eating like a pig. I have fallen off my exercise. Whatever little I do. I am avoiding friends and people I know. I was supposed to go for breakfast with a friend of 18 years. I skipped it. I am not delivering at work. I have book to edit. I have a deck to make. I have some emails to send. I havent even checked my emails in 2 days. Things are lagging behind. I am not honoring my commitments. I am being a dick to people that care for me. If they do actually care and not just faking it. I dont even know who’s for real and who’s not. Parents, yes. SG2, yes. M, maybe. Rest I dont know. Everyone can see that I am slacking. It’s affecting my relationship with those people. Wait. I am not being a dick. I am merely aloof. Dont think people care if I stay away. They havent told me if they do. Thing is, I am painting myself in a corner. I am running fast on the negative spiral that is probably at the rock bottom and there’s this dark abyss that seems to go as deep as the globe itself.

I dont know how to fix things. I dont know who to talk to. And what to talk about, if I get to talk to someone. Even if I found someone, I won’t know what to say. This blog, this morning page is an attempt to talk. And yet I dont know what to talk about. I mean can’t pinpoint. I just feel blank. You know what I am saying? I can’t afford a shrink. No fast cars for me. Fuck fast. I dont have a car that I could just take off on. And even if I had, where would I take off to? The roads are fine but then apart from the feeling of escape, I am not sure where I would reach? And why would someone care?

As the self-help, self-care, self-preservation measure, I have probably seen the whole of youtube that talks about Buddhism, Taoism, Stoicism, Nihilism, and all the other -isms. Even Dandapani’s videos aren’t helping. I’ve read about the stages of grief and I am probably between denial and catharsis. Of what, I am not sure. I know time will solve whatever is affecting me. I just need to get thru this phase. I know this too shall pass. I know nothing lasts forever and these ebbs and flows are part and parcel of life and death.

I hope soon.

Anyhow. Lemme try to get some cheer on these pages. Lemme try and write about good things from yesterday. There are a few, to be honest, but let me try nonetheless.

A. I found a Starbucks that was accepting customers.
The one at the airport. I went there and found a comfortable chair and table that did not wobble. That in itself is an achievement, considering how busy these outlets can get.

B. I heard a full podcast after a while.
On PradX’s recommendation. This one. Got some interesting ideas. No, despite the interestingness, I am not in the position to absorb those. Or react to those. Or act on them.

C. Wore shoes.
Trying to get used to the idea of feet stuck inside other things. Walked almost 18000 steps. As of today, I am at some 76K steps for the week. I would have loved to clock 100K steps for the week. But looks unlikely. Maybe next week.

Oh, while walking, took the jetty across to Madh and walked about for a bit there. Even though it’s 15-20 minutes away from all the hustle and bustle of Mumbai as a city, it’s still a village. I think Madh could be a good place to live. The only challenge is that it’s way too far from public places that I typically hang out at – Starbucks, Airport, M’s place, etc. I will think about it once I am back after Diwali. If I am back. Yeah, I am strongly considering quitting Mumbai. Even if my dreams of films and fame and bank balance can only happen here. Actually, I am at the place in life right now where I want to quit every damn thing that defines me. I need a fucking reset button.

D. Here’s a new thing.
Each day I will upload a selection of photos I click during the day. And write a line about those. Here are two from yesterday.

So yeah, this is about it I guess. Just a few good things. All forced. In attempts to get some sanity going in my head.

Anyhow.

I need to get going with the day. Which means I will go park myself at the Starbucks at the airport and work. At least pretend to. And then, maybe, try to.

Let’s see how much I can. There’s a lot open at my end. Can’t continue to slack for too long. Whatever I have is because I have worked hard and have proven to be a reliable person to work for.

I just hope I am back to being destiny’s child again where doors open for me and things happen without me trying real hard. Inshallah soon. I’ve had enough of this greys and sadness and mediocrity and all that. Pray for me, if you do.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0. For the second day on the trot, ate so much crap that I’ve undone all the good work that I did in the first few days. I am already hungry. I will see if I can skip food today.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 136
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had coffee yesterday. Maybe that’s why I couldnt sleep?
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1. Walked 17K steps.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 226

[RANT] 070721 – Morning Pages

An unfiltered rant about a million things in my head that I cant seem to find a solution to. Do NOT read!

5:19. Woke up a few minutes ago.
Was in the bed at around 1. So about 4 hours. That too broken and intermittent. The day hasn’t really started and I am already tired. A million things are swirling around my head in a Brownian motion and each time one thought hits the wall of my head or each other, a loud explosion happens. The head right now is full of the noises that you would expect a battleground to have!

Lemme use freewriting to get the load off my head.
These are not in order.
And not meant to be taken seriously.

I am slowly inching towards the end of my useful time here on Earth. If someone makes the mistake to write a biography on my time here, they would probably finish it in half a sentence. It would be on the lines of, “He’s this person that day-dreamed about doing great things but did jackshit about it. He died a failure, pauper and under considerable debt. His legacy includes a million half-baked ideas who’s carcasses are strewn around everywhere.”

The funny thing is, I exactly know what my biography would contain and yet I am unable to do anything about it. I cant seem to do good work. I am unable to move the mountains. I am not making any meaning. I am not even losing weight. Heck, I can’t even walk for more than 2 minutes without huffing and puffing!

It plain sucks. Most people say that knowing what the problem is half the battle won. I exactly know my problem. And yet I am unable to do shit about it. I mean my problem is that I want to live a life where I am the master of my time and I am able to do what I want to.

Wait. What is it that I want to do?

A LOT!

Both at a personal level and for others. You know, a la, Kabir, make enough for myself, kutumb and yet have enough to ensure that no Saadhu goes back empty handed. Here. This is what he said – “Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye

On a personal level, here’s an indicative list of things that I want to do…
Teach.
Make Films
Write Books
Run. Marathons.
Entertain others
Travel the world
Be the shoulder to others
Have access to other interesting people

Matlab, sab karna hai.

Maybe that’s the problem? That there’s so much I want to do (and try to do) that I am unable to do any one thing?

I dont know.

No, I cant focus. At all. Even if it was for life. I just can’t. Even as I am writing this, there are a million thoughts that are running helter-skelter in my head. I have surfed timelines on Instagram and Twitter. Checked my email. Fussed over the music I want to listen to. Thought about the meetings during the day. And more!

DAMN YOU SG!

The other thing that I has not stopped banging against the inside walls of my head is the shortness and uselessness of life. You know, you do so much. You try and help others. You receive help from others. You take stands. You create this egoist self that’s larger than who you really are. You do so much for the world. And then when you are gone, nothing changes anywhere. Not for one person. Apart from one cursory mention about you where they would say RIP and Om Shanti or whatever is in vogue those days, nothing else will happen. The world moves on. People who you thought will miss you will make a fancy social media post to gather a million likes, bask in the glory of that eloquent eulogy they just wrote and that’s that!

While it’s ok, while the life needs to continue to move, I think it’s uncool what relationships and respect has come to. And no, it’s not cool that it does. And come to think of it, it’s awesome! People are individualistic and that means that we would see more inventions and more thrust for human race as such. See, that’s the debate. Individual’s king-ness and ambitions. Or the collective’s survival and perpetuity.

No, there are no easy answers. And it’s just plain sad.

Also, I am thinking about these morbid thoughts from my lens. If I were to go unplanned, I dont think apart from my parents and my sis probably, there’s anyone in the world that’d be affected by my absence. I mean everyone wants to be immortal and wants the world to stop and take note when you are gone. But I ask for a far smaller thing. I just want to have people tell me that they value me, while I am here. Once I am gone, I dont really care if they miss me. And that just doesnt fucking happen. I expect very few things but what I want, I want. And I cant get those. Despite me clinging to hard to people. To a point that I have stopped engaging with people. Even with those that I care for. Life’s a series of transactions and sooner I learn, better it is. No?

Next. Work.

So, most of the work I do is of transactional kinds. This means that I am renting my time out to make ends meet. This the worst kind of work that you could do. You are like a Kolhu Ka Bail. Sisyphus, if you will. Each day you are cursed to repeat that monotonous exercise that may or may not make meaning. But that’s all you do – repeat things. On the other hand, you must aspire for project-based work. This is that work that allows you to have large chunks of time to yourself where you could do whatever you want to (even if you want to sleep) and then some chunks of time where you work so hard that you can’t even die. You know, you could make films, produce events, paint, write books etc. You let your work create opportunities for you. You control how you spend time (and not the other way around).

Wait. And the time you have controlled to be on your side, what do you do with it? To what end?

Lol!

Damn so so mindfucked.

Anyhow. It’s almost an hour. Need to move on. And get working on the presentation. So so confused. And unhinged.

Hope this too shall pass. Soon.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 118
  • #noCoffee – 7
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 208