sgNegativeEmotion Archives

141021 – Morning Pages

A rambling, long post on how I spent yesterday and whatever was clouding my head. Read on.

7:58. Home. After three days I think. Not that I missed it. Not that I hoped I would have any better. But home nonetheless.

So I have a lot planned for today. Essentially it is catching up with all the things that I have been procrastinating for the last few days. In fact, like this entire week has been, yesterday was a blur. I was stuck till about 8 in a situation that I could not wring myself out of. And then I was stuck in traffic. And then when I reached home, I was mindfucked like a mad man. I even put an emo tweet out. See this. Of course, I learned instantly that these emo tweets dont help. While you put those because you want to share and there is no one else that you want to share things with, you also somewhere expect that dark cloud would part and some light will shine through. And no, strangers dont text you and give you validation. God doesn’t appear and gives you a magic potion of happiness. Whatever you seek, it is not forthcoming. You need to get over things yourself. So that’s a lesson!

In fact, reminds me, till a few years ago, I would not filter any of my thoughts and rant like a bitch on twitter and blog and everywhere else. You know, I was living in public to an extreme level! But I was in my early 30s, I wanted to make a dent (still want to) and I would take a lot of inputs and adapt myself. A lot of well-meaning people told me that by putting things out like that, I come across as an overly emotional person and that means the kind of opportunities I want and seek dont come my way. This also meant that I was exploding my gullible nature to the world and I got taken for a ride. And thus I stopped.

But, as I am growing older, I am realizing that even if the world takes me for a ride, I want to live authentic, honest and public life. I dont want to be in the rat race. And I want to live for myself. And do things for myself. And I want to make a billion dollars while I do that. And more.

So, back to emo, shit posting. Tolerate it. Or ignore it.

Ok. Moving on.

Last night when I was on my way back home, I was pukish! I know what it was. A lot of coffee (I must have had some 20 cups, if not more). Very less food (ate literally nothing). Pollution (I must have travelled some 100 KMs within the city).

And I did not like it at all. In fact, I hated it. So, today on, even if I am dying, I shall not have coffee. Or coke. And everything I eat will be done with mindfulness and with an assumption that my body is my temple and everything that goes in needs to be carefully vetted.

Finally, the last large thing that happened yesterday was when I was talking to a friend. In a casual conversation, I was talking about how I am and what I do, I happened to talk about money. And the responses made me sick. I realised that I am one of those urban poor. You know, the world (and my friends and contacts) assumes that I am this rich person with a lot of assets and money and all that. In fact I live like that (you know, Starbucks, Apple, Nike etc). However, IRL, I may not be that. No, the money is not important. Important is that the people dont understand me.

Wait. Why should they? Who are they? What do they owe you? After all, its your life and you need to find your way around things.

Ok, final thing about today. I just realised I love it when I am alone. I am home and I am not liking the movement around me. You know, the helps and non-stop door bell and all that. I am dying to step out. But then the nearest Starbucks is like 12 KMs away! Plus this time of the day, right after I wake up, this time is the most important time of the day for me. I get some things done. I catch up on email. I write these morning pages. I think about things to be done. I make grand plans for things. I hate the failures. I mean I go thru thus wide range of emotions on a day to day basis and I think the time in the morning the one that I need the most. I dont know what to do preserve it. Except stepping out as soon as I wake up ;P

Ok, enough. Here’s the journal.

Emoticon: :|. Was feeling shitty for last 2-3 days. Ok now.
Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
Things that I am grateful for
1. Back home to my parents. I may want to be alone but this is where I belong. Need to find a balance.
2. The ability to stay calm in most dire situations.
Things that would make my today great
1. I think my work means the world to me. More than anything else. I need to thus find a way to get things done. And if I do that, I would be happy and today would be great.
2. I will step out at some point in time today. When I do that, I will probably goto a Starbucks and I would want to NOT order a coffee while I am there. If I can stay away from coffee and coke, it would be great.
A daily affirmation
I am the master of my time. I need to give it to others and when I do give it out, I will do so at my terms.
Amazing things that happened yesterday?
1. The cab ride back home was good. Even though I was pukish, I enjoyed it a lot!
2. I had the office machine-wali coffee yesterday. Had some 10 cups. I enjoyed the taste of sugar and milk-powder and all that. I got pukish as well. The Amazing thing is that I now know what I need to avoid.
3. Another ex-client called and wanted to offer me work. It is less than what I would want to charge for a 3-day project. But it’s work nonetheless. Yet to decide if I am taking it up. Let’s see.
What could have made yesterday better?
1. If I reacted better to the news and things around me, it would’ve been better.
Quote for the day
“I wasn’t much of a petty thief. I wanted the whole world or nothing.” – Charles Bukowski. I even tweeted this yesterday.

And here’s the streaks…

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
NOFAP – 0
#noCoke – 0. Had a few. Wont have today on.
#noCoffee – 0. Had a few. Wont have today on.
#aPicADay – 7. Here is today’s.
Daily Journal – 7
Money spent – Did not track. Must have spent 500 odd except the hotel bill.
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
Daily Mail to #teamSG – 7
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
Morning Pages / Meditations – 7. Making it 7 to help track things easy. Most things I do thus get in the sync.

260821 – Morning Pages

A shortpost lamenting about lack of money, fancy things, audience and more. Damn these ranty and negative posts!

8:30. Starbucks. Somewhere in Lower Parel. I am here yet again. Second time in less than a week or so. Work. Sigh. I am now realising how incredible a waste of time this face to face meetings are, especially when it’s mere transactional work. TBH, today is not transactional per se. This one is an important meeting. But this could very well have been a Zoom call. But theek hai. Kaam hai. Karo.

So, yesterday I was supposed to start a 48-hour fast. But I ended up eating like a pig. That was coming out of famine. I ate whatever I saw. Even if the taste was BS and all I ate was fried in oil that was already heated and re-heated a million times. As a result, my stomach has revolted. I have this funny feeling in my gut. I dont know what to do to solve it. I remember Vijesh telling me that each time you are unwell, just fast for 3 days and have just coconut water. So lemme try that today. I mean today I will have to have a lot of green tea (aka ghaas ka paani) as I am on the road but I can have coconut water from tomorrow on. Let’s see.

Also, yesterday, a funny thing happened. I have to log it in here. I am part of the team that is making a short film. For that, since it’s an indie film, we need to save as much money as we can. The team decided that they would pick things from our respective homes and houses and decorate the set. They thus decided to come over to my place. And when they were decided that, I realized that I hate to let strangers come over to my space for inspection. I dont have anything to hide. I have just a handful of things. Even those, most are packed already. I keep my place mostly tidy. But when the decision was made to come over to my place, I was fucked in my head. And these were people that I trust and love and care for and all that. And for a project that would help me go beyond in life. And yet I heard my pit growl. I dont know what it is about getting people in places where I live.

I remember last year when I lived at a fancier place, during the lockdown, VG and AS came over on some frivolous pretext. I was mindfucked for a week after that. The same thing happened when I lived in a fancy locality but a fuckall house. I think it’s my insecurity at the inability to make enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with my peers. I need to think more about this at some point in time in life. Let’s see when. #toThink

Oh, I got paid for a project that I had done in June. This means I can now fund the film that I spoke about earlier. And more importantly, I can pay my people. Yay!

Ok. Moving on. Next thing. Today.

For starters, I am gonna try and fast today.

Today looks like a bad day. In the sense that I am already in unchartered waters (wearing pants, formal shirt, carrying shoes, at a place that is known for poshness). Plus way too many things open with way too many projects for one of my clients. Plus the growling stomach and the parched heart. Wah. Parched heart. I wish I was more famous and my words found more homes.

I just hope that I can avoid the temptation to eat while I am zipping thru the town. Of course, I have discovered that as long as I am busy in my head, I can. So maybe I need to do that. Keep myself occupied. With what? I dont know yet. Let’s see.

Guess this is it for the day.
I shall report back how it is tomorrow.

Here’s streaks.

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 168
#noCoffee – 11
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 1886
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 258

240821 – Morning Pages

A weird post where I touch upon a million things under the sun. Clothes, Mumbai, Fitness, EBC and more.

8:23. Woke up a few minutes ago. Groggy. I actually slept at 3 or something. I was in bed at around 10:30 but I couldn’t just sleep. I even ordered a parantha at 1ish and ate. Thereby fucking up OMAD. I have just about 2 weeks to get to EBC and I am running way behind on my attempts at getting ready for it. I may be in for a surprise when I am there. I just hope that in the worst case, they airlift me back to humanity! And just to be prepared, I sat with SJ2 and gave him access to all my passwords. And the will. In case.

So, in the news yesterday, I did a lot of work. It was one of my most productive days, to be honest. Even though I did not move the needle on a lot of things but I did have control over my time and delivered on most things that were expected from me. So that was cool.

Oh, I was dressed in an office shirt (and shorts :D), and no I did not see the advantages of dressing up well. I did not make any heads turn. I did not feel more confident. I did not have strangers walking up to me and telling me that they feel I could be a fit in their next film. Rather I was sweating (it was hot yesterday) and that meant that I am not sure if I would take the adventure of dressing up to help me get ahead in the world.

What else? The thing is when you are so groggy, there is this lingering, mild headache, you dont know what to do. You can’t think straight. The best way to get out of this is to go take a walk. Or maybe eat something. If not even that, have some coffee or something. Lol.

Ok, lemme write bullet points about what’s on my head. This often works for me.

M is moving away from Mumbai in the next 6 months. She’s probably the closest thing I have that I am attached to at an emotional level. Everything else is expendable. Thing is, I am randomly getting emo about it. I mean it is good for her in the long run if she’s out of here. There are better oppourtunities. She gets to spread her wings and get away from the cocoon that she’s living here in.
I feel guilty at some level for not being able to work out and all that. Thing is, I just can’t use my mornings for anything but work. And by evening, things from the day are piled and there is no time. Plus I am unable to start by myself. I mean I can work all that I want to. But I can’t work out. It’s way too boring! The only sustainable way for me to make it work would be to start engaging in some sport in the after-work hours.
I’ve been reading about some criticism of Dr. Peterson. No, I havent found anything alarming. I mean people dont like the fact that he’s a “conservative” but there’s no logical argument against what he preachers. Guess that’s true with every polarising figure. Anyhow. This is still WIP.
I have this opportunity where I could with with BA on his idea as a co-founder. I am at a place where I have enough and more work on my shoulders. I am almost getting comfortable in terms of money I make. I do want to make more. I am not sure if I have the bandwidth to work on it at a deeper level. So I am at this crossroads. Need to take a call. Will probably do so while I am walking up the EBC.
There’s so much flux in life right now! There are so many open things on my head right now that I am not sure where to find peace. I mean I am distracted a lot. I am thinking a lot about random things. There seems to be this hulchul just below the surface. I dont know what’s causing it. I dont know what’s the antidote. I dont know what’s the solution. But I know something is wrong for sure and it needs fixing.

So this. I know a lot to dump. Should I get back to meditation or something? I dont know. Let me try today.

I am hoping to not go to a Starbucks today. Let’s see if I can manage that. I know I won’t be able to. I mean it’s like a habit, a routine. And anyway I dont have a lot of time left here in Mumbai. I would be gone in less than 10 days. But what goes in trying to write and seeing if I can manage to stay “in shelter”.

So that’s about it. Ok, need to move on with the day. Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 166
#noCoffee – 9
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 4098
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 256

120821 – Morning Pages

If you read this beyond the evident layer, you would see that I am literally screaming for help. Or am I?

6:20. Woke a few minutes ago.

Little mindfucked about how things are at my end. Both at work front. And on the personal front. Sadly I can’t talk about either on this post. I know I want to live in public and be open and honest about things but most of my misery and mind-fuckery has been caused by others. Or, should I say, my expectations from others?

Wait.

That’s something I can fix. What I expect from others. And how I react to things when what I expect does not come my way. A large part of what Aurelius taught was this. You know, you suffer more in imagination than in reality. I am otherwise amazing. I am a man of free will (well, almost). I have enough food on my plate. I can afford expensive coffee on a daily basis. And yet I am miserable. So, I think I need to work on making my inner game strong.

I know. Easier said than done. I dont even know what to do to get stronger. Any clues anyone? Wait. No one’s reading these. I am by myself. So what clues. Sigh.

Ok. Changing tracks.

I used to write these letters to people where I would share things I’ve learned from others. You know, SoG Letters. Here’s a complete list. Yesterday someone replied to one of the letters from two years ago. In that email, she packed in so much advice and inputs in that email that I ended up doing 10 half-pushups (with my knees on the floor). If I can do 40 more during the day, I would’ve probably ganga-nahaoed. Ok. Wait. Lemme do 10 more. Done. I am a bit woozy. But done! Yay! 20 half-pushups! I just need to do this every day. Maybe I will stack it as a habit. Every time I publish this post, I will do 10. Lol! Who’d say I am 38! Anyhow. So, thanks to this email, I have decided that I will compile some of those letters in the book. I have tried multiple times in the past and have failed. I must compile these letters into SoG Book. Come what may! #toDo

Maybe instead of working on book2, I could work on SoG book every day in the morning for the next 30 odd days? At least I can make it publishing-ready? Hmmm. Interesting thought. Lemme think about this while in the shower. Sounds like a good idea. At least I would ship something. Book2 is anyway delayed by like 7 years. I dont think anyone is missing it. #toThink

So that.

Ok. I am back after a break. Showered and all that. At a Starbucks. Still on the fence about what I want to do (Book2 or SoG Book) till I go away from the grid. I mean I will be with a few other people but I would not be reachable apart from those people. I will work on SoG Book from 8:30 on. Let’s see if I am fully engaged with it.

That’s about it. See you guys on the other side.

OMAD – 0
#book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday.
#noCoke – 154
#noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
#aPicADay – 0
Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -2
Morning Pages / Meditations – 244

250721 – Morning Pages

SG’s shades of grey.

6:45. Just like the last few days, I woke up once again with this sense of sadness and tinge of melancholy in my head. I believe I am a strong person and if going thru what I am going thru is hard for me, I can’t imagine how it would be for a common person.

Nothing seems to be interesting. Or exciting. Not even watching Taarak Mehta, leave alone those complex films with characters that have shades of grey. Grey. Or Gray. Or whatever it is. That’s how I feel. Maybe I am not getting enough Vitamin D. Or B12. May be I am not getting enough human connection. Maybe I am not getting enough money. Maybe… I mean I dont even know what is lacking in life. I mean I know what is but I cant seem to pinpoint and get an antidote. I feel grey. Feeling blue, if you will.

And it’s affecting how I live. And who I am. I am eating like a pig. I have fallen off my exercise. Whatever little I do. I am avoiding friends and people I know. I was supposed to go for breakfast with a friend of 18 years. I skipped it. I am not delivering at work. I have book to edit. I have a deck to make. I have some emails to send. I havent even checked my emails in 2 days. Things are lagging behind. I am not honoring my commitments. I am being a dick to people that care for me. If they do actually care and not just faking it. I dont even know who’s for real and who’s not. Parents, yes. SG2, yes. M, maybe. Rest I dont know. Everyone can see that I am slacking. It’s affecting my relationship with those people. Wait. I am not being a dick. I am merely aloof. Dont think people care if I stay away. They havent told me if they do. Thing is, I am painting myself in a corner. I am running fast on the negative spiral that is probably at the rock bottom and there’s this dark abyss that seems to go as deep as the globe itself.

I dont know how to fix things. I dont know who to talk to. And what to talk about, if I get to talk to someone. Even if I found someone, I won’t know what to say. This blog, this morning page is an attempt to talk. And yet I dont know what to talk about. I mean can’t pinpoint. I just feel blank. You know what I am saying? I can’t afford a shrink. No fast cars for me. Fuck fast. I dont have a car that I could just take off on. And even if I had, where would I take off to? The roads are fine but then apart from the feeling of escape, I am not sure where I would reach? And why would someone care?

As the self-help, self-care, self-preservation measure, I have probably seen the whole of youtube that talks about Buddhism, Taoism, Stoicism, Nihilism, and all the other -isms. Even Dandapani’s videos aren’t helping. I’ve read about the stages of grief and I am probably between denial and catharsis. Of what, I am not sure. I know time will solve whatever is affecting me. I just need to get thru this phase. I know this too shall pass. I know nothing lasts forever and these ebbs and flows are part and parcel of life and death.

I hope soon.

Anyhow. Lemme try to get some cheer on these pages. Lemme try and write about good things from yesterday. There are a few, to be honest, but let me try nonetheless.

A. I found a Starbucks that was accepting customers.
The one at the airport. I went there and found a comfortable chair and table that did not wobble. That in itself is an achievement, considering how busy these outlets can get.

B. I heard a full podcast after a while.
On PradX’s recommendation. This one. Got some interesting ideas. No, despite the interestingness, I am not in the position to absorb those. Or react to those. Or act on them.

C. Wore shoes.
Trying to get used to the idea of feet stuck inside other things. Walked almost 18000 steps. As of today, I am at some 76K steps for the week. I would have loved to clock 100K steps for the week. But looks unlikely. Maybe next week.

Oh, while walking, took the jetty across to Madh and walked about for a bit there. Even though it’s 15-20 minutes away from all the hustle and bustle of Mumbai as a city, it’s still a village. I think Madh could be a good place to live. The only challenge is that it’s way too far from public places that I typically hang out at – Starbucks, Airport, M’s place, etc. I will think about it once I am back after Diwali. If I am back. Yeah, I am strongly considering quitting Mumbai. Even if my dreams of films and fame and bank balance can only happen here. Actually, I am at the place in life right now where I want to quit every damn thing that defines me. I need a fucking reset button.

D. Here’s a new thing.
Each day I will upload a selection of photos I click during the day. And write a line about those. Here are two from yesterday.

Shot from an empty Starbucks. At some point in time in life, I will want to have a place with decor like a Starbucks.

So yeah, this is about it I guess. Just a few good things. All forced. In attempts to get some sanity going in my head.

Anyhow.

I need to get going with the day. Which means I will go park myself at the Starbucks at the airport and work. At least pretend to. And then, maybe, try to.

Let’s see how much I can. There’s a lot open at my end. Can’t continue to slack for too long. Whatever I have is because I have worked hard and have proven to be a reliable person to work for.

I just hope I am back to being destiny’s child again where doors open for me and things happen without me trying real hard. Inshallah soon. I’ve had enough of this greys and sadness and mediocrity and all that. Pray for me, if you do.

Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 0. For the second day on the trot, ate so much crap that I’ve undone all the good work that I did in the first few days. I am already hungry. I will see if I can skip food today.
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 136
#noCoffee – 0. Had coffee yesterday. Maybe that’s why I couldnt sleep?
#aPicADay – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 1. Walked 17K steps.
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Minimaslism Counter – -1
Morning Pages / Meditations – 226

[RANT] 070721 – Morning Pages

An unfiltered rant about a million things in my head that I cant seem to find a solution to. Do NOT read!

5:19. Woke up a few minutes ago.
Was in the bed at around 1. So about 4 hours. That too broken and intermittent. The day hasn’t really started and I am already tired. A million things are swirling around my head in a Brownian motion and each time one thought hits the wall of my head or each other, a loud explosion happens. The head right now is full of the noises that you would expect a battleground to have!

Lemme use freewriting to get the load off my head.
These are not in order.
And not meant to be taken seriously.

I am slowly inching towards the end of my useful time here on Earth. If someone makes the mistake to write a biography on my time here, they would probably finish it in half a sentence. It would be on the lines of, “He’s this person that day-dreamed about doing great things but did jackshit about it. He died a failure, pauper and under considerable debt. His legacy includes a million half-baked ideas who’s carcasses are strewn around everywhere.”

The funny thing is, I exactly know what my biography would contain and yet I am unable to do anything about it. I cant seem to do good work. I am unable to move the mountains. I am not making any meaning. I am not even losing weight. Heck, I can’t even walk for more than 2 minutes without huffing and puffing!

It plain sucks. Most people say that knowing what the problem is half the battle won. I exactly know my problem. And yet I am unable to do shit about it. I mean my problem is that I want to live a life where I am the master of my time and I am able to do what I want to.

Wait. What is it that I want to do?

A LOT!

Both at a personal level and for others. You know, a la, Kabir, make enough for myself, kutumb and yet have enough to ensure that no Saadhu goes back empty handed. Here. This is what he said – “Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye“

On a personal level, here’s an indicative list of things that I want to do…
Teach.
Make Films
Write Books
Run. Marathons.
Entertain others
Travel the world
Be the shoulder to others
Have access to other interesting people

Matlab, sab karna hai.

Maybe that’s the problem? That there’s so much I want to do (and try to do) that I am unable to do any one thing?

I dont know.

No, I cant focus. At all. Even if it was for life. I just can’t. Even as I am writing this, there are a million thoughts that are running helter-skelter in my head. I have surfed timelines on Instagram and Twitter. Checked my email. Fussed over the music I want to listen to. Thought about the meetings during the day. And more!

DAMN YOU SG!

The other thing that I has not stopped banging against the inside walls of my head is the shortness and uselessness of life. You know, you do so much. You try and help others. You receive help from others. You take stands. You create this egoist self that’s larger than who you really are. You do so much for the world. And then when you are gone, nothing changes anywhere. Not for one person. Apart from one cursory mention about you where they would say RIP and Om Shanti or whatever is in vogue those days, nothing else will happen. The world moves on. People who you thought will miss you will make a fancy social media post to gather a million likes, bask in the glory of that eloquent eulogy they just wrote and that’s that!

While it’s ok, while the life needs to continue to move, I think it’s uncool what relationships and respect has come to. And no, it’s not cool that it does. And come to think of it, it’s awesome! People are individualistic and that means that we would see more inventions and more thrust for human race as such. See, that’s the debate. Individual’s king-ness and ambitions. Or the collective’s survival and perpetuity.

No, there are no easy answers. And it’s just plain sad.

Also, I am thinking about these morbid thoughts from my lens. If I were to go unplanned, I dont think apart from my parents and my sis probably, there’s anyone in the world that’d be affected by my absence. I mean everyone wants to be immortal and wants the world to stop and take note when you are gone. But I ask for a far smaller thing. I just want to have people tell me that they value me, while I am here. Once I am gone, I dont really care if they miss me. And that just doesnt fucking happen. I expect very few things but what I want, I want. And I cant get those. Despite me clinging to hard to people. To a point that I have stopped engaging with people. Even with those that I care for. Life’s a series of transactions and sooner I learn, better it is. No?

Next. Work.

So, most of the work I do is of transactional kinds. This means that I am renting my time out to make ends meet. This the worst kind of work that you could do. You are like a Kolhu Ka Bail. Sisyphus, if you will. Each day you are cursed to repeat that monotonous exercise that may or may not make meaning. But that’s all you do – repeat things. On the other hand, you must aspire for project-based work. This is that work that allows you to have large chunks of time to yourself where you could do whatever you want to (even if you want to sleep) and then some chunks of time where you work so hard that you can’t even die. You know, you could make films, produce events, paint, write books etc. You let your work create opportunities for you. You control how you spend time (and not the other way around).

Wait. And the time you have controlled to be on your side, what do you do with it? To what end?

Lol!

Damn so so mindfucked.

Anyhow. It’s almost an hour. Need to move on. And get working on the presentation. So so confused. And unhinged.

Hope this too shall pass. Soon.

Here’s streaks…

OMAD – 2
#book2 – 0
#noCoke – 118
#noCoffee – 7
#aPicADay – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
10K steps a day – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0
10 mins of meditation – 0
Morning Pages / Meditations – 208

060421 – Meditations

A not so happy post about how I felt this morning when I woke up. Read at peril.

0536 – Andheri.
Just woke up. Super blank.

0626.
Wrote some on my quarterly review. Still blank about what to post on morning meditations. I think there are multiple reasons, not sure which one is at play. Let’s investigate. Here’s a list.

I have been closeted in my house for an entire day (I did go out yesterday morning to a Starbucks and then went for a walk after I recorded the podcast). I hate it here.
I ate 3 large meals – all full of carbs, bad oil, at inappropriate times. For none of those, I was hungry. I was just bored and bugged and wanted some change. Maybe its all the crap I am eating? Maybe I will subscribe to some Keto service or something. The other day SG19Feb asked me to lose 10 KGs. Why not?
I did not really work a lot per se but by the time day ended, I was exhausted. Even watching reruns of Taarak Mehta did not help.
I slept at around 11 and I woke up at 5:30. I know I need more than 8 hours of sleep but 6.5 hours of sleep is actually more than enough for me. Most days. I have to get the AC situation fixed. Too hot to sleep peacefully otherwise.
A tiny tiff with a friend I care for. I hate that the handful of people I want to understand me and get the subtext of what I am saying, do not!
I did not brush my teeth yesterday. I know. TMI. But cant help it.

Any or more of the above ~~five~~ six could be a reason for my exhaustion and blankness. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I am not liking how I feel right now. I tried everything – drinking water, stretching, moving around, music, even porn, writing, meditating, and more in the last 45 minutes. And yet I can’t seem to get my head to focus.

The more I think, the more I realize that it is probably because of the stress am taking that I will have to be indoors till end of April. I know that COVID is wreaking havoc and we need to stay indoors and maintain protocol but what about people like me who have the compulsive need to be out and about?

This staying indoors is going to fuck my brains. I don’t want to use the mental health thingy loosely. I am lucky that I am ok (compared to a lot of people I know) more or less. But if I am forced to stay indoors, I will find it tough to sail through. I dont know what to do. I have enlisted a friend to help me stay sane by giving me random things to work on.

Ok, while editing, I realised that this has come out too dark. Too sad. I am not that bad to be honest. Lemme talk of a few good things that have happened around me.

So, yesterday I recorded the first episode of the Investor Thesis podcast. I try to make this mythical creature called the investor more human. I try and understand what is required for a successful pitch to an investor. Of course, brevity is not my cup of tea and thus these are 90 minute long conversations. I will try to shorten these to about 30 (tough job) before I release these. Let’s see how that goes.

I also managed to step out for a walk after the day was done. I mean I had an option of not stepping out. But I did. And thank God, I did. I did some 8K steps. I plan to do 10K today. If I am getting locked into the house, I will ensure that I get my 10K steps for sure. Why? A, fresh air. B, the compulsive need to be not indoors.

Chalo, lemme talk of a pet peeve of mine. There are people that type flowers in their WA messages. I have at least three contacts that send flowers with every message they send. I have never understood their rationale or thinking. I mean I get it you want me to take away happy feelings and nice thoughts and a good aftertaste from our conversation. But does that merit a flower? In the conversation?

I also put a sticky note on front of the wall where I have placed my working desk. I know that if I want to be a digital nomad, these notes don’t help. Plus I anyway will move out from this house as soon as I get the next project that I can work on. But then, I like the idea of seeing things regularly and reinforcing things that I am working on. Knowing myself, I will have wall full of random notes stacked on top of each other soon. Let’s see.

I think this is about it. It was a real struggle to write this one. But I am glad I was able to. I am going to try my luck and see if Starbucks is open. Wait. I will not go. I will try and break the muscle memory and the patterns in my head. I will not go. I will rather get ready and come back at the desk and get going with work.

Over and out.

Oh, the streaks…

Morning Pages / Meditations – 116
#aPicADay – 96
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 27
#noCoke – 27
10 mins of meditation – 0
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0 (Adding a new row. More on this in a few days)

160121 – Morning Pages

In this one, I talk about the anatomy of a bad day in Goa, all probably induced by unavailability of Internet and a phone network.

7:39 AM. Yesterday was a weird day. Regular day, if you know me well.

After I don’t know how many days I was spaced out. To a point that I did not even speak with the most cheerful people I know – Noops and Nicky. The Internet won’t work at all. The regular phone and SMS won’t work. Tried to avoid crap but I could not. The hands were literally shaking before I loaded myself with carbs. Skipped two events where I could’ve been at – a poker night and a Pecha Kucha evening. Missed the launch of a friend’s music video. Thought I would start a Clubhouse but the damn connection won’t happen. Locked myself out of the house (thankfully, I could reach the key from the window).

The saving grace? I went for a walk. Did some 12K steps. In like 2 hours. The slowest ever.

My phone tells me that I am averaging 2000 steps this year. Lol. The older Saurabh that I was, even in a wheelchair, he would average more than that! Finally when I was walking about, luckily the phone worked (still no data) and I made some phone calls. Spoke to two new people on LunchClub and CoffeeMug – at both places (and all such calls), I am asked what am up to with these random networking calls if I am in Goa. Need to find a funny answer to this. Spoke to an old boss. He told me that am like shit. Sigh. No, no. It’s ok. Everyone has their opinions. I know where I stand.

Another thing happened. As if stars align or something. Or maybe one thing led to another that lad to me. Gehani and Pradeep pointed me to two interesting tweets about the media and entertainment business. Need to think hard about those. They look like things that I can put my head gainfully to. For life. Lol, yet another thing. This has to stop, Mr. Garg. Let’s see. In fact, the content in those tweets is exactly what I’ve been thinking about lately. I know that I am not singularly great at creating content. But I know I can give a launchpad and wings to others for sure. So that.

These two tweets helped reinforce two beliefs. One, you must have a network that makes a piece of news that you can’t miss reach you. That clearly happened. Two, how the fuck did I miss these two tweets? Need to get back to being active on twitter!

Oh, AD gave me the responsibility of writing the first draft of the Founder Thesis book. Yay! If this happens, it would be the second non-fiction book that I would get to publish this year (apart from SoG Book). 2021 is already looking up. Just need to see how do I make money from these ;P.

Guess that’s that for how the day was. How I felt. How I am gonna cope up today. I HAVE to find a solution to the Internet thingy. Either I move houses (no, I can’t get Internet installed here – this is a temporary house) or I need to start going to a coworking space in Goa that has good internet and mobile phone access (the phone network at Clay sucks. Maybe at Felix it works better?) I’ll try Felix today and will report back.

No, I don’t like that this is becoming an open journal of sorts. But then, I like that I have someplace to go dump my thoughts.

Oh, I also need to think about what to do with WoW. Do I move it on SaurabhGarg.com? Or do I leave it on blogger? I am very very sure that Google will either sell or shut Blogger (they have made some changes to the product but they’ve merely fucked it up. Plus they are not even in the same league at WordPress and countless others). And I don’t want to lose all that I have written over the years. Will check with Rege or Arpit.

So that.

Coming to #book2. I am in the mood for some dark shit today. Let’s see what I come up with :D. The names are fictional (I mean the entire book is fictional but I am using random names right now).

“The ropes have to be as taut as you can make them go. Here, use this hook to pull more”, Kiran handed over what looked like a well-used, aged, pirate’s hand hook to Sita.

“The fuck is this?” Sita balked. It looked as if it was ripped from a real pirate.

“I use this as a grip when I need to clasp onto something. The pirates were geniuses.” Kiran replied and continued with this work. The way he was going, Sita knew this was not the first time he was doing something like this.

Sita held gingerly at it tried to pull the rope that she was wrapping over layers of plastic, tarp and jute.

Kiran continued and spoke matter of factly, “make sure it is as tight as you can. When we tie it to the anchor, it cant come undone.”

Sita merely nodded. That’s all she could do. She was merely going through the motions. The night that started as a celebration had taken a dark turn and now, it did not seem to be ending. When she boarded the train from her village 2 weeks ago, she did not know that her life would change so drastically. From a simpleton in a secluded village deep in Maharashtra, she has had alcohol, slept with a man that was not her husband, and now, become an accessory to a murder. And she was the reason for the fight between her husband and the young man she got carried away with. Such loss for such a small incident. If only Kiran understood why she did what she did, all this could have been avoided.

Kiran beamed, breaking her reverie, “wow, that looks good. I am almost done with the head and the torso. We just need to tie a big rock to his legs and then we’d be on our way.”

The plan was to dump the dead body deep into the sea but it had to be wrapped to prevent the parts from flailing and they had to put something heavy on it to ensure that it doesn’t wash ashore. Way too many amateurs were caught by the cops when bloated dead bodies arrived at the short unannounced. Kiran and Sita were not getting caught for sure. They had packed the dead body in three layers – plastic, tarp, and jute before typing it up till it resembled a mummy. There was no way fishes were going to gnaw and dismember various parts. With the two rocks that Kiran had identified, there was no way it was going to surface. And the spot where he was going to dump it in was known to have rocky terrain underneath. Like it had done for so many others, the sea would keep their secret.

Little did they know that while the sea wouldn’t rat on them, the young man they were busy with would be missed from the house of Paul’s and the impending search would unleash an inferno ono them and everyone else at Caravan Serai that the entire Arabian Sea wouldn’t be able to douse.