140921 – Morning Pages

An inane update from a Starbucks in Gurgaon.

9:33. Still in Gurgaon. Was up late. Not for work this time. So a tad delayed with morning pages. But as long as I write, it’s cool.

Yesterday was a whirlwind. I met a few friends that I have literally grown up with (from MDI), a client, and a newish friend. It was amazing – talked of old things, plans for life, new ideas, impacting the world, making this a better place, achieving things that have remained under the radar and yet are lurking around the surface. Met curator, founder, and owner of this fascinating place called Fig / Museo. Was so inspired to meet more people like that and create spaces like that. The thought of creating C4E Base became all the more firm.

So that. Today is a longish day. Let’s see how I manage the juggle between work that needs to be done, calls to be made, people to be met, things to be thought, dreams to be conjured. Lol. Random poetic shit.

The highlight of the day has to be the fact that I was told that what I write resonates with people. Of course, this resonation happens with very few people but it does. And that makes the effort and time worth it. If I can leave even one person inspired, I would die a happy man.

In other news, I read this long-read yesterday about a person trying to cope up with this loss after 9/11. This was one of those rare pieces that moved me almost to tears. For multiple reasons. To start with the guy is trying to find his raison d’etre. Then he feels this terrible terrible sense of loss that nothing in the world seems to compensate for. The loss is more profound because the guy thought he was responsible for those people. And at many levels, I can relate to this. I mean I am responsible for all the people that work with me. In whatever capacity, in whatever way. While I may not run a fancy organization, I do have this sense of ownership over their lives and careers. And that to me is an overwhelming responsibility. To a point that I am willing to harm myself to ensure that the people that are around me are happy, healthy, engaged, and compensated to the best of my abilities.

Sigh! So much to do, so few opportunities. Come on, universe!

That’s about it for the day. More later. If I get time. Meanwhile, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 187
  • #noCoffee – 31
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 6566
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1 (buying things for once in a life adventures)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 277
  • NOFAP – 13

080921 – Morning Pages

A short note on mortality and how I would want to leave this world. When I do.

9:38. Home. The only home I’ve ever known. Except in the embrace of the ones I that I’ve loved. And the ones that have loved me. So this home, the one I have grown in, am here after a while. Almost a year! The last time I came here, it was Diwali of 2020 and then I went to Goa. And then I was in Mumbai and then the pandemic hit us again and all that. So that.

Ok. Time to get into some somber mood. This is probably one of the most important posts I’d ever write. I hope words can do justice.

So yesterday, I went to a hospital to meet a relative who’s just had heart surgery.

Lemme give some context. I’ve known him since I was a child and I have spent enough and more time in his backyard. Even in his lap. And he’s given me no less love than he would give to his children. And in life, he’s been a pillar to the entire family. And beyond. He has been an icon of righteousness, selfless service, and everything that you want in a man. No, he’s not really one of those people who’d inspire you with his tales of courage or exploits in business. He is as simple as they come and yet as special as they could be.

Yesterday, he was bedridden. Which is ok. I have seen him when he’s asleep.

But then he had a million wires and hoses and pipes running through his body to the machines that sort of keep the vital functions alive. He looked frail. Fragile. He still had his confidence and his neck held high, the one that I remember him for. But he was clearly putting in a lot of effort to do that. And oh man, did he put the effort!

Of course, he would recover and would be back to action before we know it. Of course, this is part and parcel of life. Of course, I need to be strong and get used to seeing my loved ones in that state – after all, age is catching up.

But that’s not what this post is about. It is about how I do NOT want to be like that. Articulation happened when I was talking to Krishna yesterday. So, the thing is, most people that know me, know me as someone hyper. Someone that can’t sit idle for a minute. Someone that is so fidgety that he’s moving all the time. Someone so full of energy that it’s literally impossible to control. Or contain. Someone who’s so infectious, so disturbing, so all over the place that you can’t ignore him. I dont know if this is good or bad. But this is how I am. If you have any other impressions of me, please do let me know.

So, if I were to fall sick and I am forced onto a bed, bondage-d by pipes and cables and all that, I do NOT want anyone I know to see me decapitated like that. Before any of those people that I love (there are just a handful of those) were to see me like that, I would want the plug to be pulled. Really. I have thought hard about this. For all the zest I have for life, for all the things I want to do with our limited time here, if I am ever in a position like that, I really want my dreams, my hopes, my existence to be wiped out. I am ok to go without saying my goodbyes. The good part is that hardly anyone cares for me outside my parents and probably my sis. So there is no question of giving closure to people. They would find it. Time anyway heals.

Coming back. So, I dont want the ones I love to have the last memory of me to not be of a person that couldn’t sit still and not have child-like enthusiasm or energy. Come what may.

So yeah. That.

Over and out.

And here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 181
  • #noCoffee – 25
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 3109
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 271
  • NOFAP – 7

050921 – Morning Pages

A recap of how I spent yesterday in Ahmedabad. I met people, thought a lot and then learnt a few lessons. It was awesome!

9:19. Starbucks. Ahemdabad.

I had an eventful day yesterday. No, not in the sense of things happening to me but meeting new and interesting people, face to face. I’ve done this after a while. You know, meeting loose connections, talking to them about everything under the sun, and dreaming about possibilities. I’ve missed this meeting with new people and jamming with them. Damn, COVID! Of the people I met, there were a couple of fund managers, an entrepreneur, another aspiring entrepreneur, and another person that runs his family’s business.

While talking to people I realized my limitations. I learned where I am often wrong. I even saw places where I was more right. I missed the fact that I was not carrying a notepad and thus couldn’t take notes. There were some really interesting conversations. I must do this often!

So, for posterity and note-taking, lemme make a list of things that I learned yesterday. About myself and others.

  1. I know the names of a lot of people. And a lot of people know my name. This is a good thing. I just to find a way to convert this knowledge into transactions and work and business.
  2. Most people that are loose connections dont know what I do. I need to fix this. #sgP1. Simply because opportunities do not come to me if people dont know what I do. I need to have a singular definition. I know I want to do a million things but the world works in a manner where they want a singular answer to problems. So, that.
  3. I am a bit wierd. I want to operate in greys. And I want to operate in black and white. These are two different things and there is no way both can go hand in hand and yet I want to have these work in sync. I need to think more on this.
  4. A third-party person seeing my twitter feed recalls the negatives that I have posted about. Even though I have stayed away from rants for a long long time, people still tend to remember that. So, need to be careful about rants. On twitter. On FB. On every possible social outpost. Except here. And on echochamber. This is where I post things to sort of get my head clear. I can bury this link deep. I mean if I were someone with huge successes, people would probably celebrate my outbursts. But then, I am not. And thus.
  5. One of the people I met mentioned about Max Gunther’s work on luck. I am going to spend time on it today. Here’s the book, in case. This link summarises the book well, in case. Even this is not bad.
  6. Another person said out loud that you need to have the balls to call a spade a spade. I dont have this at all. I am the kinds that makes people into soy. Even though I believe in “good job”, I still spoil my people rotten. To a point that they become, well, soy. I need to get better at this for sure. #sgP1

Guess this is all I recall from my meetings. If I remember something else, I would make changes in my Roam graph (and not here :D)

Oh, I have this fuckall cold for the last three days. Running nose, heavy head, and sore throat. Today’s the third day so I should be hopefully better by tomorrow. No, I did not take medicines. And yes, I have been feeding the cold. I hate being unwell. I hate being sick. I hate when I dont have the energy to perform. I mean the very act of living is an ongoing performance that I am on. I just hope I can regain some strength and still have some leftover as I go for the walk up the EBC. I would’ve liked to be a far stronger shape but I will have to do with whatever I have.

Guess this is about it. I am glad that I could find the time and energy to write this. More later. If I can.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 178
  • #noCoffee – 22
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 7396
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 268
  • NOFAP – 4

300821 – Morning Pages

Today I talk about producing short films, being a shoulder and one of the greatest fears I have in life – the one of being treated unfairly!

7:53. Starbucks Powai.

Here for a day-long meeting. Have another meeting here tomorrow. Thankfully that’s not all day. I can be in and out. Just that travel to Ghatkopar is a pain with traffic and Metro construction and all that. It’s a sin. It’s a mortal waste of time. Anyhow. So, morning pages. A dump of what’s on my head.

So, I am constantly thinking of how I should be doing more. Wow! I have been able to capture this so well! Do more in terms of fitness, office work, relationships, and all that. This thing about wanting to do more is literally guiding my thoughts, emotions, and actions. To a point that I am living in this La La land. You know, in the sandcastles in the head. Guess I need to jolt out of it. Let’s see how and when I do that. Maybe the upcoming break from work and a computer would help. Of course, the sad part would be that I would have to break this morning pages streak that I have been on since December of last year!

Ok, enough of sadness. Let’s move on.

So, tomorrow is the first day of the next short that I am involved with. This would be the 4th film that I am part of. I have primarily been a co-producer on all these 4. For the uninitiated, a producer is primarily a financier. And then s/he does other things like getting the project together and ensuring that it works out well.

And no, most short films dont really make money. Actually, wait. I must say, a short-film that makes money is a rarity.

The deal with shorts is that the writer and / or the director gets to show their work. The crew gets one more credit on IMDB. The producer / financier is the fool that does not gain anything. Except opportunities to share stories and reels about it on Instagram. And for someone like me who doesn’t care about these bragging rights, there is no ROI. I mean I can get happy with the validation that I lent a shoulder to some people but that’s that. I can sleep a tad better with the knowledge that I acted like the giant that others could stand on the shoulder of. I can be happy that people want to play games with me (ref: yesterday’s post). But that’s that, to be honest.

I just hope at some point in time in life these things make sense. And the ones that I am lending a shoulder to remember to lend their shoulders to others.

I often think about why I support these endeavors when I dont have the money in the first place. And especially when I believe that I am wise and all that. Lol. I think I suffer from the Dunning-Kruger thingy. I mean I think I am wise but maybe I am not that wise. If it’s pinching me, why am I even trying to do things? Why can’t I just sit idle and let a corpus get built? Even if it takes years for that to happen?

I guess these are those questions that we’d never find answers to. Not that I need the answers. I mean I dont want to find out, to be honest. If I realize that I was wrong, it would break my heart. This risk of being treated unfairly by people that I support is more than the misery of taking on debt and funding my dreams. In fact, this probably is my biggest fear. I hope I dont have to face that day when I see my people being unfair. I mean I know life is unfair. Things are unpredictable. People change. Pandemics happen. But the implicit contract with my people needs to be sacrosanct. Cast in stone. Un-fuckable-with.

Ok, enough. Time to get on with work. Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 172
  • #noCoffee – 15 (wow!)
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1322
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 262

130821 – Morning Pages

A dump of things that I spent a lot of time mulling over yesterday. I think this is what Living in Public really is!

8:28. Starbucks. Friday the 13th. I just hope this day goes ok! You know, superstition and all that.

So here are the things at the top of my head. In no order…

A. Walked 10K after ages.
Even ran a bit. Not ran. Hobbled. For about 300 meters. And then panted like a cow in Delhi’s garmi. Did half-pushups. Just need to get consistent with it. Lol. This consistency is my Achilles Heel. I am great at doing great things in spurts. But I suck when it comes to doing things for long, I suck. #sgQuirks. So, need to fix this.

After the walk, I was missing Diet Coke so much that I decided that I will break the 150-day streak and have one. And I even made my mind to get a frozen one, pour in a glass and savor the taste.

And then I did not. Yay! #win

Here’s a promise. If I reach the Base Camp in one piece, I would get a Diet Coke for myself. So let’s see.

B. Away from Bom.
It is starting to hit home that I will be away from Mumbai for some 2-3 months. I was away last year as well when I lived in Goa but I still had a house and my things were here. This time, I am moving lock, stock, and barrel. In the sense, I am putting my things in a godown and letting go of the house I have here. So, come to think of it, it’s like letting go of the city that I have come to love. For the freedom, access, opportunities, friends, love-interests, hopes, miracles, tears, sea, misal-pao, and more that Mumbai gave me.

No, I am not going away for good. I have to make it in the films business. And startups. And teaching. Lol. A million things yet again. Mumbai is where I would be.

Or maybe not. I mean if I get away from Mumbai, I would either be in Goa. Or out of India. Goa is more of a state of mind where things are slow and all that. But come to think of it, the only one thing that is keeping me back here is M. She may move on as well in the next few months. Post that, who cares where I am.

Wait. Isn’t life like that? You plan plan plan plan and more plan. For the future. And then it creeps up on you so slow that one fine day, you realize you are 38 and you are still planning for the future. What future? At 38, people retire!

C. Applied to a few jobs (I dont know why) last night on Linkedin.
In exactly the same heart-less, mind-less manner that I approach my attempts to find a relationship on dating apps.

I mean I like the idea of a gig that gives me a lot of money. I like the idea of being in a relationship that gives me joy. Not that I am dying hungry. Not that I am joyless.

Thing is, I know I want to do better than where I am. I know I need to get more stable. I know I need a companion. I know I need more than what I have. And yet, all I do is heartless, half-baked attempts at fixing things.

I dont know a way out. But that.

D. Writing.
I did not write on book2. Neither on SoG Book. Damn.

If I have decided that writing is going to be my thing, I must push myself. I must wake up each day with the intent of pushing my craft! For without that, I dont know why I exist.

E. Self-respect.
Yesterday, I got into this weird conversation with someone I care for. Even though I know that my attempts at patching things will not lead to fruition, I still tried. And as a result, I was left with heartburn.

Not cool at all. I must work to get my self-respect quotient high. I shouldn’t do these stupid things. And these have been happening with increasing frequency. Need to fix it.

Will work on this over the next few days. Need to become more stoic.


So that.
Living in Public!
A list of things on the top of my head.
A lot to fix. May be over the next few days.

Here’s streaks as I start the day.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0. Did not write yesterday as well. Missed for 2 days in a row.
  • #noCoke – 155
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had two. Venti. Tall. Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 30 + 30 + 130 = 190
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 1. Finally got 10K steps in. After 2 weeks.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 245