201021 – Morning Pages

A short note on how the day was and what’s on the top of my head. Not a lot apart from work.

7:19. Yet another hotel room. Loving this life where I work for a large part of the day. And then I drag the small suitcase to the hotel that I want to. And while I do that, I catch up with a friend. And then I sleep. And then I wake up and get writing these morning pages. I could get used to a life like this. In fact, this entire movement around and not having a stable place to be at is giving me the feels! Yeah, man. The feels!

Ok. In terms of yesterday. Work and all. Thoughts and all. Life and all.

So the second day of the workshop went ok. It wasn’t as good as the first one. But went ok. I can improve on a few things. Let’s see how the next one is. One thing is for sure. I need to talk more about this to people. I mean I think I do a good job and this deserves to reach more people. Need to make it more popular and known. #note2self #sgTodo

The other things that I was supposed to, I did work on a lot but I could not find to close all of those. I’d say I could’ve done more. Let’s see when I get to a day when I have done enough to be able to have a big smile on my face when I am writing these morning pages.

Today I have a lot on my plate. Let’s see what I deliver on it. It’s 7:40 right now and once it’s about 9, I will have to literally dive into work! And I have a few lot of things that are open ever since I’ve come back from the base camp. Including a travelogue that I want to write about the basecamp trek!

In things that I want to capture is the intolerance and the worst and the best that religious conversations bring out. Yesterday, on the alumni group of my business school, the alumni committee wishes everyone on the occasion of Eid. Someone responded and asked why did they skip wishing on other festivals. It was not long before it took a communal angle. And then from there it just went downhill. People that have gone to a premier business school engaged in heated exchanges, name-calling, questioning, and dunno what else. And this is a group of highly educated, reasonably smart people that are probably more aware than an average joe.

I dont know what has happened to the country that I’ve grown in. I dont know what to do about it. Can’t blame others. Can’t find the problem. Can’t fix it. DAMN!

Anyhow. This is about the morning pages. Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :). I feel good. Even though I did not sleep ok, I am at a desk, staring into the sun, appreciating it as it comes up and fills me with life. No photo can do justice to how it is.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I am grateful that I have this sun coming up as I am writing this. I am so so so content in this moment. I have no worries and even though things I am working on need urgent attention, I am not anxious.
    2. I am grateful that I love water so much. I have had 2 litres since I woke up.
    3. I am grateul that I am able to plan a large part of my day.
  4. Things that would make my today great
    1. I would love if I can deliver on open projects. If not all, some.
    2. I would be great if I could actually go back home. Only to meet my parents. And nothing else.
    3. Like yesterday, If I can skip coke, it would be great. In fact, I would love it if I could do OMAD.
  5. A daily affirmation. I look great and I have this brilliant sense of clothing and dressing.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I could yet again make things happen for people around me. This time I did not create opportunties per se but helped people close on projects that they needed help with.
    2. I had a tough conversation with someone else about things that needed to be done. I am typically the kinds to avoid tough conversations. But I managed one. I should lean more into such tougher chats more often. #note2self
    3. Got CM to agree to spending sometime everyday on helping me with where I want to be in life. I have tried to have multiple people like that but none seems to be panning out. Let’s see if CM sticks. Wish me luck.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I could deliver on more things at work, I would have liked it. I had decided that I would not sleep last night till I finish various projects. But I could not. The day would’ve been better if I could.
    2. If I could have got about 10 minutes of meditation in, it would have been better. I would try to get it in today. Right after shower. Let’s see.
    3. Again, if I could skip coffee, it would have been amazing. To be honest, I would not be able to do it today either. But I can definitely skip Coke. And gun for OMAD.
  8. Quote for the day
    “Discipline not desire, determines destiny.” – Anon. Thanks to Harshit for sending me this. Must say that he sends me a quote everyday and I read those and they are really unlifting. He’s been doing it for 1069 days as we speak. I am amazed as his consistency!

Guess this is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 1. Avoided it. I almost had one. But then skipped.
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had quite a few. Let’s see if I can quit today on.
  • #aPicADay – 12. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 13
  • Money spent – 19501. Again, random expense. From today on, need to get these in order.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 13
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 13

151021 – Morning Pages

A #shortPost for the day where I talk about what I am thinking about.

8:27. Home. Woke up a few minutes ago. Had a very very long day. Worked so much that I did not realize when it was like 11:30 in the night. I think I did this much work after a while. Which is ok. Right now, I need to work hard to make things work. But the thing is, I feel spent. Even though I have slept for like 7 hours. It’s like, you know when you have nothing to create, nothing to do. You feel all your energy and creative juices have been taken away from you. If I feel like this on a day-to-day basis, I would probably feel burnt out.

Anyhow. Moving on.

So the plan for the day is go to some Starbucks (nearest is 12 KMs away :() and get some work done. I need to move out. I feel the need to see things on the outside. I am so glad that lockdown is over and I can go out and all that. Just that Delhi does not offer a Starbucks next to my place. That’s one thing I miss btw about Mumbai. I could literally walk to so many Starbucks outlets. Sigh.

Wait. Maybe Gurgaon could offer what Mumbai had. Maybe I could live in Gurgaon for a few days? Yeah! Sounds like a plan.

Must act and find a place. Let’s see how do I find short-term rentals. In an ideal world, I want to live in a hotel. Let’s see if I can afford one. Shall spend time looking for one. Know of any decent ones?

Also, here’s a thing that I have been thinking about. Can I create a like where I am a writer / podcaster / YouTube / content creator? Where 1000 true fans pay me enough to not worry about work? And then I create that dent. I mean could being a content creator be a path to financial independence? #currentThoughts

Guess this is about it. Here’s the song for the day. Hotel California.

And here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|.
    Still feeling shitty. I think it’s the general state of mind that I need to work on.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
    Need to work on this. Yesterday, after shower, I did sit for 3 minutes of meditation but even that was difficult. Need to amp up.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I am grateful that most people that I am with, they allow me to be who I want to be.
    2. I could avoid coffee yesterday. Now that I have gone without one for a day, I will try to not have it today either. Let’s see how it goes.
    3. One amazing thing of being at home is that get home-made food. Now that I have it, I realise how much I craved for simple meals. Food anyway is not big on my agenda. So that.
  4. Things that would make my today great
    1. Like yesterday, I think the greatness is linked to work. If I can get some work done, I would feel like I am on the top of the world.
    2. I want to step out and sit somewhere and work. Let’s see when I manage to do that.
    3. I want to meet some of my people. You know, old friends, my team, others that I know already. The ones that I want to see happy, successful, thriving etc.
  5. A daily affirmation
    I am worth a billion dollars and I use this money and access to enable my people to do more with their lives.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I could skip coffee. I have captured this already.
    2. I had a tough situation at work. I have been able to manage it. I may end up not working with that client but at least it’s not getting dirty.
    3. I could manage time to juggle various projects that I am on. It’s a little tricky but I could.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I could’ve got some sort of a workout in, I would have felt better. So far, I havent been able to.
    2. If I did not have to loan my time for money, it have been awesome.
    3. If people in general were little nicer in terms of how they speak, the world would be a far far better place.
  8. Quote for the day
    “Passion is for losers and for hobbies. Have obsession with your purpose in life” – Naveen Jain

And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 1
  • #noCoffee – 1
  • #aPicADay – 8. Here is today’s.
  • Daily Journal – 8
  • Money spent – 0 :D. And no, I did not track. Just that I was indoors and did not step out and thus no expenses.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 8
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 8

010921 – Morning Pages

Today’s post talks about the sadness that September brings, the unpreparedness for the walk to EBC and a few others things.

8:27. Starbucks.

September. The month has continued to send me into inexplicable sadness. All my underachievements and failures come back to haunt me. And since I am in this zone where I am sad about things, I often make errors in judgment and that makes me more prone to mistakes. And that means things that can go wrong, start going wrong. And that means the spiral of sadness starts moving faster. And I dont know what to do about it.

So that. Lemme digress and talk about other things.

Yesterday, I was at the shoot of my next short film. While I was there, I got yelled at, despite me being the one who’s enabling all that to happen. I often dont take credit for things I do. I mean the world doesn’t stop if you stop existing. It finds its way. Always has. I just happen to be at a place at a time where I played a role that moved the ball further. Now when I do that, and I say this with all humility, I want to be anything but the person that gets yelled at.

Plus it’s getting reinforced that a producer really has no role in anything that happens. Apart from being the one that’s bankrolling the whole jingbang. I knew it to be honest but now I know it as well. So that’s that.

The action point is to stop this free flow of money to fuel other people’s dreams, unless I am the one whose work is getting created. Or I am the one that will get credit beyond a producer. And thus, I need to move onto the other side. My writing doesn’t seem to work with people. I have no clue what directing is. I am anything but acting material. Plus I dont watch a lot of films anyway. So need to think hard about this love of making films. Lemme add this to the list of things I want to think about in the break in the second half of September. Let’s see what I come up with. #toThinkOn.

Oh, the internet at the house I live at, aka, the shelter has stopped working. And funnily, I am ok to face the inconvenience of not having the Internet, when compared to the effort required to make calls to the ISP and getting it fixed. Plus, I am around for today and tomorrow. Day after I am gone.

In the happy, hopeful things to talk about, I have just about 15 days left to go for the break (and the walk to the EBC – I refuse to call it a trek. It’s a walk). I am looking forward to the experiment of not having the phone and being cut off from the world. I do plan to use a phone to make a vlog about the journey and take notes about things that I am thinking about. But that’s about it. I want to be with myself for a large part of this journey. Reduce contact to minimal. Talk when spoken to. Not distract myself with news, entertainment, or any modern, pop-culture-y thing. I’ll try to not even be that problem solver that I have this compelling obsession to be when I am in taxing situations. Let’s see how it goes.

For some reason, while I wrote the para above, I was reminded of the time I spent when I went for Vipassana. I think I must go again. I may not be able to do so in 2021 but I will try and do it sometime in 2022 for sure. #in2022.

The thing though is that Vipassana requires little in terms of physical preparedness. The walk to EBC is more taxing. And I am not ready. I have not worked out. I am not doing any breathing exercises. I refuse to wear shoes. I am eating crap all the time. I am making the walk all the more difficult. I think I need to live the next 17 days the best I can. This means, eat less and do some breathing exercises. I can’t work out, I can’t walk – not time to do this. Lots of work on my hands.

Oh, lemme get this load off my head by writing this. On the work front, I am suffering. To a point that I am back to a point where I no longer have enough coming in to keep my team together and will have to sort of seek out a loan each month to feed my team. I think things are different from the last time around (in the sense that the world has finally adopted this work-from-home thingy and people are now investing in marketing, communications, events, etc). I need to make myself different now to be able to leverage these new opportunities and create work for myself. And my team. And my Kutumb.

I also need to find an office space for myself. I can’t focus when I am at home / house / shelter. I can’t be at Starbucks all the time. Way too expensive and inefficient for the kind of work I do (meetings, selling, etc). So, once I am back, even if I choose to live in Delhi with my parents (to save on rent), I will need to find an office of sorts. Let’s see.

Been writing for about an hour now. Guess will take a break and get on with the day. Here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 174
  • #noCoffee – 17
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1900
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 264. I think I will reach 280 or so days before I go for the trek. Let’s see. Maybe the vlog I make will be the morning pages and I will publish those on the blog?

300821 – Morning Pages

Today I talk about producing short films, being a shoulder and one of the greatest fears I have in life – the one of being treated unfairly!

7:53. Starbucks Powai.

Here for a day-long meeting. Have another meeting here tomorrow. Thankfully that’s not all day. I can be in and out. Just that travel to Ghatkopar is a pain with traffic and Metro construction and all that. It’s a sin. It’s a mortal waste of time. Anyhow. So, morning pages. A dump of what’s on my head.

So, I am constantly thinking of how I should be doing more. Wow! I have been able to capture this so well! Do more in terms of fitness, office work, relationships, and all that. This thing about wanting to do more is literally guiding my thoughts, emotions, and actions. To a point that I am living in this La La land. You know, in the sandcastles in the head. Guess I need to jolt out of it. Let’s see how and when I do that. Maybe the upcoming break from work and a computer would help. Of course, the sad part would be that I would have to break this morning pages streak that I have been on since December of last year!

Ok, enough of sadness. Let’s move on.

So, tomorrow is the first day of the next short that I am involved with. This would be the 4th film that I am part of. I have primarily been a co-producer on all these 4. For the uninitiated, a producer is primarily a financier. And then s/he does other things like getting the project together and ensuring that it works out well.

And no, most short films dont really make money. Actually, wait. I must say, a short-film that makes money is a rarity.

The deal with shorts is that the writer and / or the director gets to show their work. The crew gets one more credit on IMDB. The producer / financier is the fool that does not gain anything. Except opportunities to share stories and reels about it on Instagram. And for someone like me who doesn’t care about these bragging rights, there is no ROI. I mean I can get happy with the validation that I lent a shoulder to some people but that’s that. I can sleep a tad better with the knowledge that I acted like the giant that others could stand on the shoulder of. I can be happy that people want to play games with me (ref: yesterday’s post). But that’s that, to be honest.

I just hope at some point in time in life these things make sense. And the ones that I am lending a shoulder to remember to lend their shoulders to others.

I often think about why I support these endeavors when I dont have the money in the first place. And especially when I believe that I am wise and all that. Lol. I think I suffer from the Dunning-Kruger thingy. I mean I think I am wise but maybe I am not that wise. If it’s pinching me, why am I even trying to do things? Why can’t I just sit idle and let a corpus get built? Even if it takes years for that to happen?

I guess these are those questions that we’d never find answers to. Not that I need the answers. I mean I dont want to find out, to be honest. If I realize that I was wrong, it would break my heart. This risk of being treated unfairly by people that I support is more than the misery of taking on debt and funding my dreams. In fact, this probably is my biggest fear. I hope I dont have to face that day when I see my people being unfair. I mean I know life is unfair. Things are unpredictable. People change. Pandemics happen. But the implicit contract with my people needs to be sacrosanct. Cast in stone. Un-fuckable-with.

Ok, enough. Time to get on with work. Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 172
  • #noCoffee – 15 (wow!)
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1322
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 262

170821 – Morning Pages

A ranty post about work, Starbucks and how I am dependent on public places to get things done.

7:21. Woke up a few minutes ago. Little groggy. Tired as well. I dont know why. I did not do anything that would leave me like this. Plus, I have a long day ahead. And a lot of what I am busy with, I need to be the one talking. So, it’s going to be a long and interesting day. And by the end of it, I would probably be exhausted. Not exactly the kind of busyness that I like but theek hai. That’s where life is right now and can’t complain. Or rejoice. Let’s see how it goes.

Oh, because I am the one talking, if I talk well and I see that people are enjoying what am saying, I would end the day on a high. And if everything goes flat, I would be sad. Yeah, my work is what guides my happiness and sadness.

Ok, yesterday. This amazing thing happened. I worked for more than 12 hours! I mean I am not proud but I realised that that’s all I have to my life. And I could only do this because stores are now allowed to remain open till 10 PM.

I started at 830 with morning pages. Took a break around 12 for lunch etc. And then went back to a Starbucks at 5ish or something. And stayed till 945. So I was up and about for longer. And rather than sleeping by 945, I actually did more things. I must say that the vibe at a Starbucks in the morning is way different than the Starbucks in the evening. There are many more people merely chilling, catching up, gossiping in the evening. The crowds are more effervescent. There are larger groups, noises are louder. Morning is more intimate. People are mostly working and trying to get things done. I think I am indifferent to this vibe per se, as long as I get a place to sit and bury myself in my laptop. And of course, being a morning person and all that, I prefer mornings. Even if the vibe was wild like a club!

Thing is, this dependence on public places to work from is not really cool. I need to be less dependent on things. You know, walk on my journey by myself. Plus, It’s not cheap at all. I mean I spend almost 1000 bucks each day there. Making it the most expensive indulgence I have. But then, I am thinking, if it allows me to get things done, why not? Plus I am sure once offices are open and I get back to a WeWork or something, I would manage it cheaper.

Let’s see.

The point remains that I am more effective when I am not alone. And definitely far far better when I am not at this house. The good part is that I am gonna be out in less than 15 days. Yay!

In other news, I restarted with a lo-carb diet. I mean it’s just been one day but I plan to continue with it till the time I am in Mumbai. Once I go to Delhi, I am sure I would want to eat all the street food strewn out there on every nook and cranny!

Nothing else to report per se. As always, I have way too many ideas. Way less time. And I still dont ship. Sigh. Need to fix it. Somehow. And before I spiral down into a full-blown rant and a depressive cave, must move on. Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0. No work on any book yesterday.
  • #noCoke – 159
  • #noCoffee – 2. Had none. Had 2 chais.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 1880
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 2. Did 12 rounds today as well.
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 249