060521 – Meditations

A longish post on things like COVID, house, iPhone and more. Little dark and depressing. Read at peril.

5:43. I woke up with a combination of a weird pain in my stomach (I suspect it’s the chana masala I had for dinner) and even more weird sounds that the AC made throughout the night. The AC at my place, on a normal day, sounds like Bane. It has its moods. It can be incredibly quiet. It can be incredibly loud. And it can be that tease that wants your attention all the time but would never give you the action.

And now that I am up, I better make use of the time. If nothing else, I can get done with the morning pages before I dive head-on into the day ahead. I am not sure what all do I want to write. But let’s try.

A. iPhone snafu.
So I broke the screen of the iPhone (this is a 2018 X). This is at least the second time that I have broken a screen on this one. Last time, it was last year, around this time (and during another lockdown) that I broke it. I am tempted to buy a new phone (I’ve been using this for 3 years now and it’s time for an upgrade; I want. Not need.) but I think I will get this one fixed. That’s anyway not the point. The point is that I don’t have a usable phone. And I feel helpless without one. Lemme try and think why is that and may be make a list.

For starters, all my work is dependent on the phone – coordinating, taking feedback, giving inputs, conversations, and so on and so forth. I use a variety of tools – Whatsapp, MS Teams, Phone Calls, Emails (in that order) and while I use a laptop for these, I am also dependent on a phone – you know, multitasking and all that. Without a phone, I was ok more or less for a large part. Except for Whatsapp. And I have to admit, I felt very very restless without access to Whatsapp. No, I am not missing anyone in particular. No, I don’t have any important messages coming my way. No, I am not impaired in my ability to work or get things done. Just that, something felt missing.

Then, I check the phone multiple times a day to get OTPs and other such 2FA applications (authenticator etc). Thankfully, I did not need to use a lot of those yesterday. May be today, once I am ordering my food. Or if I get logged out from any of work related things.

Finally, I think with an Internet connection on and a working laptop (about 4 months old), I was more or less ok.

But then I have to get the phone fixed. It’s the constant companion that I wake up with, that I sleep with, that goes with me to almost all the places you can imagine except the shower. It’s a thing that I carry even if I am not carrying any money on me. Or even the house keys. Now that I don’t have a phone, I realize that when I do have a working phone, I feel not just connected, but also empowered. When I hold an iPhone, I have that Thor’s Hammer, Arjuna’s Brahmastra, Iron Man’s Jarvis, and the Crypton from Waqt Humara Hai!

So that.

Oh no, I cant do an Android Phone, even if they are now far better, faster, sleeker, sexier, cheaper than the iPhone.

B. Done with Byomkesh
I’ve seen binged on all 32 episodes of Byomkesh Bakshi. These episodes were my companion over the last month or so for every time I had to eat or I had to let my mind wander.

For the uninitiated, Byomkesh is India’s answer to Sherlock. A detective that uses deductive reasoning to solve seemingly complex crimes. Each crime is seeming complex to solve, there are no clues on who’s done it or how the crime’s been done. And yet Byomkesh comes in, observes people, dips into his infinite pool of knowledge, and comes out with that thread that when pulled unravels the mystery.

Of course, the production value and direction and acting wouldn’t survive in the world we are in, the stories are so interesting that you are willing to ignore all those. Like I did.

I really wish I had the talent to write such simple and yet deep short stories. Brevity is not my scene. Must try and develop that muscle.

C. Tentatively started to look for a house at Thane and Borivali
So yesterday I started to look for a cheaper house. And since I want a lot of space, I need to move away from epicentres. So it has to be Thane or Borivali. This time when I take a house, I will make sure it is not an old building. In fact, I have to be the first or second tenant. And I dont want any old, rickety, tired white goods. And I need the place that has a Starbucks within a 2-Km radius. Rest I dont care about. Once this COVID thing is over (another 6 months I am hoping), I will move back to an epicentre. Or I would have moved to Goa by then. Or I would have left the country for good. I mean I don’t know where I would be in six months. But today, I know that I need to live with peace and I dont have that right now.

Let’s see what I actually do and if I actually make the move.

D. Scared about COVID
Some really good friends, the ones that take more than all the precautions required have got it as well. To a point where I am thinking, how is it that I am the only one left unaffected. Lemme illustrate with another example. If you opened my phone log and looked at a list of 20 people that I speak to most often, EACH of those (or their VERY close personal connections – wives, kids, parents, etc) have been affected. I feel like an anomaly to not have contracted the disease. I am wondering how. May be cos I live alone and the only person that comes into the house is my help? May be cos when I go for walks, I mask up, properly with the nose and all covered and maintain distance in case I encounter others around me. May be I’ve already had a minor strain and I have antibodies. I don’t know. But I know that it’s a matter of time before I get it. And with COVID, you don’t know what it would do to your body. Someone I used to play poker with passed away at 32. And I have heard of 90-year olds recovering. So, I don’t know. I think this is the first time I have felt fear. I don’t know why. But then, I think this too shall pass.

So that’s about today I guess.
When I was reviewing what I wrote, I realized this piece reads like a rant of a depressed and sad man. I did not intend it to be. I merely wanted to log thoughts in my head. But then, who am I to control whatever takes birth from me? May be at some point, it will tip. I will stop seeding these thoughts. Let’s see where it tips.

In the meanwhile, here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 144
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 1
  • #noCoke – 57
  • 10 mins of meditation – 3
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 1

Over and out.

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