310521 – Morning Pages

A sad rant on the mental state I am in for the last few days where I cant seem to function as a human being. I dont know whats the way out. I hope I figure out soon!

6:30. I woke up a few minutes ago. I was on my bed at 8 last night, to be honest, and then I tossed and turned and did everything I could, and yet I could not get sleep.

I am probably at the lowest point in my life ever. I mean I am sure this is not the lowest per se but this is as low as they come. I am in that zone where I am so uninspired to work that I don’t even open my email. I know am slacking. And I am not doing anything to help these matters. My work is the most important thing to me in life – means more to me than my own survival and yet I am not working well. And I know it. I can fake it and deliver just enough that colleagues and clients will probably not know. But even that is becoming impossible these days.

I am so affected that when I met a few friends on Saturday, I couldn’t keep up the conversations. I was so uninspired and so sad and so mindfucked that I actually did not want to meet them. But then I did nonetheless – I had traveled an hour in Mumbai traffic. I am sure they must have noticed that I was not myself. Actually don’t think they did. Not sure they are that deep. Plus, if they did they would’ve asked me. Anyhow. That’s not important.

The thing is, I don’t know what’s wrong. And for a rational-answers-chasing person I am, it’s bugging me that I can’t pinpoint the fault. And thus unable to fix it! I mean I am at a great place in life. I am doing yoga at least thrice twice a week. I am walking 10K steps often. I am even seeing the beach for the last few days. Plus, I am not eating any kachra. Apart from the low-carb meal that I get delivered, I don’t eat anything. I have coffee often. No milk, no sugar. I am even ok with lime water now – something that I’ve balked at all my life. Work is financially rewarding enough to inspire me. I am working on a documentary with a friend and that’s helping me meet new people. The 4 goals of Dharma, Artha, Kaam, and Moksha (as defined by Purushartha) are almost aligned. Wait. I think I am lagging behind on Kaam but the other three, I think I am doing ok there. I am ok healthwise in this pandemic. My parents are ok. The news of second-degree connections passing away continues to trickle in but I don’t really get affected by that. This is probably as good as life has been to me!

And yet I am deeply unhappy.
Yet the dark clouds don’t seem to dispel.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

May be its validation that I miss. Not from strangers but from people that I like and want to be around. Maybe it’s the feeling of helplessness at my inability to do large things at scale. Maybe it’s my inability to move things and seeing the world pass by as I sit on the sidelines and twiddle thumbs. Maybe I just need to get out of this house and find a better place to live where I would have enough space to move around and appliances and things would work as expected. Maybe I need to get out of Mumbai and go live in a different place – Goa, Pune, Panchgani, even Delhi. Maybe things will be better once this lockdown is lifted and I am able to see others around me. After all, I need to have people around me, even if they are strangers and I don’t talk to them at all. And while I was ok in the last lockdown (probably because I was in a space where I could move around and all that compared to this time when I can do nothing but sulk; or maybe because it was the first time and I played it like a game and now I know that I don’t want this game!), this time it’s hard.

Maybe it’s all the windows that I left open at work and in my personal life?

Maybe because apart from work where I am directly responsible for the output, the three babies I have – TRS, PPP, Podium – are all struggling. To a point that I want to not even put my name up there. Of course, I am to blame. The partners and teams there are doing a fantastic job! In the sense that if not for them, whatever little they have achieved, we wouldn’t have. And while I know what’s wrong with these babies, I am unable to fix things. Maybe my meaning is derived from seeing the things I create eventually reach a point where they start making a tangible difference in the world?

Maybe all this is because I am spending way too much time on my phone and chasing vanity like a 16-year-old?

I dont know the solution.

Wait. I dont even know the problem.

But if I met someone like me who had symptoms like me (general disinterest in everything, a former excellent team player slacking at work, lack of sleep, etc), I know I would have thrown a set of usual answers at them. I would tell them to work out, eat better, reflect on things, stop seeking validation, quit social media et al. I would recommend them to stop reading the news. I would ask them to quit all whatsapp group. I would ask them to seek newer experiences and chase more novelty. May be pick up a hobby or something.

I have done EACH OF THESE. And yet I am not any wiser.

Now I know how shallow, how fake, how ineffective my inputs and advice have been for people. Now I am wise enough to stop recommending things to people that confide in me. Now I know I need to find better answers to things that I seem to have ignored all my life. I did not know that the world could come crashing down like this on me when on the outside, all seems ok!

Ok. That was a long rant.

And here’s some disclaimers for whoever may read this. And if they get worried.

  1. No, I am not doing anything that I shouldn’t be doing. I am far more strong than that. Or weak. Or whatever. I have way toooooooo many miles to go.
  2. I am a problem-solver at heart. And like other problems that I try and find an answer to, I will work on this and will not rest till I find a solution. At least for myself. I know I am already on the path but I need some more interventions. That I shall work on. Shall? Will? Would? Damn my grammar!
  3. I have a deeper understanding and newfound empathy for people who are in this place. Luckily, I am privileged enough to have some money, some connections, and some friends. I think, the fact that I live in public and I am ok to share whatever I am feeling deep down inside helps.
  4. And last but not the least, this too shall pass!

Guess that’s it for the day. Here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 169
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 81
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

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