150821 – Morning Pages

A shortnote on how yesterday was. And the good and bad and the ugly of being me.

8:44. Starbucks.

Yesterday was a bad bad day. Kept faking that things are ok. They weren’t. Couldn’t focus on work. Couldn’t center my mind. Couldn’t get attention on one thing. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t function. Was to meet someone. I chose to not do it. Thankfully it was a Saturday and no one needed my attention. So I could get by without talking to anymore. I can’t afford to have these dark days on a workday. I would get rogered.

Come to think of it, there’s nothing wrong with me per se. Life seems to be going ok. People I care for are healthy and happy. I have some money in the bank (even though it’s still debt) and I know more is on the way. There is some work that keeps me engaged. There are challenges with it but none that I would lose my sleep over. Or get spaced out the way I am right now was yesterday. Today I am far better.

I dont even know what triggered it. I was awesome in the morning. Spoke to a friend that I would shack up with in Japan if I go there. Made myself Maggi for brunch. Ate some more kachra. Caught an afternoon nap. And then was back to work. Somewhere between making myself Maggi and getting to work, the switch just flipped. The equanimity in my head turned into darkness. And it kept me engulfed. Till I woke up today.

I was fucked to a point that I couldn’t breathe. Not exaggerating. I had to step out in the afternoon. I went to the Starbucks at the airport. I had to be outside. Could it be the lockdown that’s taking a toll on me? Now? After when everything is open? Lol, Mr. Garg.

Anyhow. It’s a thing of the past now. I am ok now. As I write this.

Lemme talk about some good things that happened yesterday.

A. I worked on SoG book.
I am still not clear about how the output would look like but I did make a tough structure. This is how it looks like…

If you have any thoughts on this, please do feed me. I am still not sure of how the book will take shape. But I really want it to be a life manual for kids in their late teens, early 20s.

Any thoughts?

B. Saw this video about Miyamoto Musashi and his life and his teachings.
Super super inspired. I think these Japanese were ahead of their times and the lessons are still relevant. Of course, how they lived is literally impossible for someone like me to ape but I can pull some lessons from there and implement them in my life.

Among other things, I am amazed at the similarities between his life and that of stoics and non-religious ascetics. In the absence of any attachments, you probably get to a higher plane and do more with your life!

C. Saw some documentaries before I slept.
And I think it worked well. In the sense that from despair and cluelessness, I was immediately transposed into a zone where I was left amazed and inspired. I mean there’s so much about the world that I dont know about. And like a child in the candy bar I was left wanting more.

D. I wandered on my Roam.
Most of my life is now cataloged on Roam. Even if there are things that are out of Roam, they are all linked in there. Yesterday when I was spaced out, I whipped out my Roam and spent an hour or so flipping from one page to another and fixing things, tinkering things, and thinking about those things.

It was fascinating to see my brain in action. Lol. It’s not a comment on the greatness of my brain. But the way interconnected thoughts pop-up. In a loose manner, it was great to see how one thought could trigger another. And then another. Without any apparent effort. The human brain is a kickass thing. I wish I had in me to go beyond the basic curiosity!

Guess this is it for the day. Like I said, I am ok now. Time to get on with the day and get some work done.

Oh, today is India’s independence day. From being that jingoist nationalistic patriot to almost forgetting the importance of 15th August, I have come far! Yeah, judge me. But I think I am done with showing off these affiliations. More on this #someday.

Guess this is about it. Over and out.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0. Ate like a pig yesterday.
  • #book2 – 0. Worked on SoG Book.
  • #noCoke – 157
  • #noCoffee – 0. Had three. 2X Venti. Tall. All three Americano.
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 4703
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 247