210721 – Morning Pages

Had a fairly bad day yesterday. Can’t get into specifics but here’s me dumping things on paper, hoping to get some sanity.

6:50. Woke up a few minutes ago. Had a bomb of a day yesterday. It sucked on all counts. At work, it sucked. At home, it sucked. While talking to friends, it sucked. Seeing everyone cool and all without me around, it sucked. It was probably one of the lowest points I’ve had in a while.

There were a few silver linings as well but more or less it sucked. I dont know who’s to blame. I mean, it has to be me. In the sense, it was me who did not work over the last week and thus I had work and escalations piled up. I must be expecting the world from my loved ones and relationships and I must be a drag on their senses and emotions. And that’s why they did not want to humor me.

I mean it has to be cos if everyone from all sides is taking me for granted, I have to be the one that is at fault. I thought I was a people’s person but I will have to relook at how I operate and work with people.

Anyhow.
Glad the day it’s over.

So in terms of good things, yesterday, I managed 12 Surya Namaskars for the second day on the trot. I had thought it would be tough but I did manage. The push-ups are being a pain. Could only do 10. The shoulders are gone. Managed 12K walks. Climbed 8 stories. So more or less, fitness was on point.

Managed OMAD. Ate Roti after a while. Feeling bloated since! I need to find some food that doesn’t bloat me. Any ideas?

However, I got late while sleeping. Was stuck with work. And then some personal snafu. And thus I woke up late (after 6). I didn’t feel like doing pushups – the shoulder is still being a pest. Will probably try during the day. Managed 12 rounds of SN.

Need to add Pranayama breathing to be mix as I go along.

Come to think of it, it’s funny how in just two three days, all conversation on my blog and all chatter in my head has moved to fitness. Earlier I was thinking a lot about work and life and dunno what all. Now, it’s fitness.

Ok. In other news, I decided I need to get off Twitter. Been away from Instagram for a few days. Need to cut out everything that is a time sink. Even if that adds to who I am as a person. I plan to stay away till October. If I manage it, it will be 2 odd months and it will probably be my longest break from social media. Let’s see if I can manage. Let’s see how this iteration of Digital Detox goes.

For someone like me who’s addicted to conversations, people, strangers, exciting things, and shiny things, this is going to be tough. But then tough things are what you need to do in life when you want to get back to your feet. No?

What else am I thinking about…?
Work? Money? People in life? Future?

Actually all of these!

It sucks I can’t write specifics. I mean however in public I may want to live, I know that whatever I write can be traced back to others. And they may not appreciate this kind of candor.

Thank God, I have echochamber where I can write in detail. I dunno what I would do without it.

Anyhow. Time to get going.

Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 132
  • #noCoffee – 2
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • Surya Namaskar – 2
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 222

160521 – Meditations

Dumped everything that was on my head here. I liked writing this one!

7:07.
Woke up a few minutes ago. Super groggy. Everything hurts. I am dis-oriented. Every time I stretch, I hear so many pops that I am wondering if my skeleton I had slept at some 3 or something. And even then, I kept checking my phone. AM. Was working. And then I turned off the light. But couldn’t turn off the shit in my head. I even installed Instagram on the phone and tried to make conversations with people random strangers. But couldn’t persist.

7:37.
Cleaned the desk. A thick layer of dust had deposited over things after yesterday’s winds. Heated some water for me. Hopefully it will unclog the system.

Yesterday was a day when I failed at multiple counts that I don’t even know where to begin. Lemme make a bulleted list.

  • Had coffee. The idea was to not have coffee unless absolutely necessary. Of course, I had it for fuck sake. Cos I was bored.
  • I was to attend Boman Sir’s classes after a long break to celebrate the life of a fellow student who passed away due to COVID. Despite me putting alarms, I couldn’t attend. If I can’t be around people in their times of grief, why am I even alive?
  • I was to fast. But I couldn’t. The day before I ate once. So that was some consolation. Yesterday I ate I don’t know how many meals and how many carbs and all that. I ate so much that I was unable to move and I literally slept through the day. Monday on I have a Keto dabba coming. Hopefully, I will not defect and eat anything apart from that dabba.
  • Failed at NOBNOM.
  • For almost a month now, I’ve wanted to send in an entry for NFDC’s Scriptlab. I even tried my hand at it for a few days. You may remember that piece I wrote in April. I couldn’t take it to a point where it would make sense to submit. This was, is, will be super important to me. Whatever I have, I have because I’ve taken shots beyond my talent or ability. If I stop taking these shots, I will die an obscure death! Damn!

So that.

While I was writing this, I got lost in those thousand tabs that are open on like 100 windows on my computer. I dont know what to do with this compulsive habit of opening so many tabs! There are way too many things that I am interested in and there’s way too much to read, to know, to think on that I am often left lamenting about shortness of life. Of course COVID has given this shortness a whole new meaning. Ok, I am digressing. The point is that I need to find a solution to these opening-million-tabs problem.

In other news, I moved my notes and personal library to Telegram. Thing is, when I lost all the data, more than the conversation history, photos, and random trivia, I was most at a loss when I lost the temp notes that I had made for myself. Along with those notes, I had saved links, addresses, screenshots, and other tidbits that I had chosen to forget and have easy access to. As a result, I don’t even know what all I lost! And it sucks to know that I don’t have access.

So, that’s why Telegram. They keep an archive of data on their server. So even if I lose my phone, as long as I can access my Telegram account, I have access to notes and all. So that.


I’ve been complaining about the lack of action and excitement in life. I think I’ve found the answer. Thing is, I need something exciting. Something that moves me. Something that shifts me and teaches me and helps me evolve. I mean, life is as good as it could be in these times. My privilege allows me to live a good life. I am typing this on a laptop that cost me more than a lakh on a stable Internet connection at 50 Mbps, perched on a Mango Wood table that I bought years ago, while sipping onto hot water that I used an electric kettle to warm. I am safe even if people around me are suffering. I could get the vaccine because I have fast internet. My parents could get it because we could pay 250 bucks for each dose. I have enough work on my plate from a few clients that I don’t need to fret about money. They pay me well and they understand if I am unable to deliver on time. I do have a loan that I need to pay back but these are from long-term friends and family and I am ok to pay them back in a staggared manner. The daily rigmarole keeps me busy and I am grateful for that.

But after working on PowerPoint and Teams for hours, when I go to sleep, I am left questioning the meaning of life. I know I moved the needle and did work that added value to the world and to others. But I also know that it’s nothing extraordinary. Anyone with even an iota of commonsense will manage that. Probably do it better. And thus, it does not give me satisfaction. I sleep an unhappy man. I sincerely feel I can do a lot more. And I don’t know how to.

So that.

Rant hai.

Moving on.

Anyhow. So, I am starting a new project. Thanks to SG2 for the idea and kick on the butt.

I don’t know the name yet but I want to call it Art In Action. The idea is simple. I will invite some artists I have access to, to “donate” their art pieces. I would put these on sale on a website. All the proceeds from this sale go towards charities that work for people that are affected (migrant labor, people on the frontline, displaced communities, etc). No, not those fancy charities that exist because rich folk want to kill time. But the ones that actually work. Like Hemkunt (I have a friend that volunteers with their Mumbai chapter and can vouch for their work) or DFY (a friend runs this).

The thing with this idea is that the artists do shram daan, the ones that can afford art do the dhan daan and the beneficiaries receive the alms. That’s it. I know this is too little, too late. And most of this is meaningless. We are still twiddling thumbs and not really taking any action. But the idea is to do whatever can be done to raise money and support people that are actually making an impact.

There’s more that I need to think. Will probably do it over the next week and report back. Let’s see.

So, I think that’s for the day.

Here’s streak and some commentary on it.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 154
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 66
  • 10 mins of meditation – 2. Had a longish chat with SG2 about meditation and how the practice makes you better as you go thru the day. If my Headspace data is to be believed, I have meditated for some 2500+ minutes and I am yet to see a tangible benefit. No, I am not quitting. I like to challenge myself to not move for 15 mins when I sit for meditation.
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – Removing this from today on. I was unable to work on this. #fail
  • Surya Namaskar – 1. Did 12 rounds and by the time I reached the 9th, I was literally puking all over myself!

PS: From the next few days, I will experiment with this morning meditations thingy. I will rather write for #book2. They say that for a writer, the currency that makes him tick is not the ideas in this saddle but the finished work that can be shared with the world. I don’t have anything finished. Need to get some more in my kitty. So, if I miss a day (which I haven’t since I started), please excuse! Thanks!

240421 – Meditations

Dump of things clouding my head. I talk about shopping, my inability to be of help during the pandemic and some work shite.

8:00 AM.
I woke up 10 minutes ago. Blame it on the fact that I was up till about 3 last night. Working. What else will be I doing at that hour on a Friday? To be honest, this week was bad. I slacked badly. I did not walk as much. I ate so much crap that it’s not funny. I spent way too much time watching restoration videos on Youtube. That’s the new thing that I am hooked onto. Imagine people breaking things apart and then cleaning, fixing those, and making a video about that experience. Wow. Apparently, there are millions of people who like seeing such things. I am not alone!

Anyhow.

Today is an important day. We have the third edition of Spotlight, a meetup between young founders and experienced ones. The idea is to create a 1-v-1 forum where answers are sought and given. This is one of the largest impact pillars of my work at Podium. I want to scale it to a point that anyone wanting answers to their start-up or funding questions, we should be their first port of call.

We are yet to reach any sort of scale with it but let’s see when we do. Right now, each edition is a stepping stone. Each edition is a learning opportunity.

I hope I can scale it well to a point that it becomes an impactful forum.

No, this is not different from millions of such forums out there and is a me-too idea. But then each me-too idea has the potential to reach people that others have not. The intent is any way to not make money with this, it will happen if I continue to work on the right thing in the right manner.

In the routine boring things of the day section, today is grocery shopping day. This means a visit to the local Star Bazar. Thing is, I am trying to eat clean (not that it has shown any impact on my belly so far). This further means that I need to stock up on supplies. Plus, I secretly enjoy supermarkets. I like to see what is available. I like to see what people like to buy. I like to think of all the fancy things that sort of tempt people with packaging and communication. I think if you want to feed your curiosity, a large set of inputs will come from these places!

I just hope its not crowded. You know, Saturday and all.

In the baring the soul and admitting defeat section, I must report that I have successfully shut out all conversations about the pandemic and the suffering it is bringing about. I know I am being insensitive about it. But at this time, I really want to maintain my sanity and ensure that I don’t go down a spiral. I can’t afford to lose whatever little I have.

I know I could help by augmenting requests for help. I know I can volunteer my time. I know I can donate some money. I can divert all the money from SoG Grant for fighting the pandemic. But the challenge remains, I don’t know who to give this money to. May be to Daku and his team. I know that he will do a good job with it.

Let’s see. If I do use the grant for this, while the purpose of Grant would not be met (help creative people seek an outlet), it would probably serve as a tiny drop in the ocean in the fight against the pandemic.

I am unable to decide what to support. While I know the pandemic needs the money, I also know that artists need it more than anything else – they are the ones that are most affected by it. They are the ones that are most sensitive and thus lose their direction. Lemme think over the weekend.

Coming back to admitting defeat. I think I am running away from responsibility as a human. I ought to help but I am done with seeing all the suffering. I can no longer prevent it from affecting me. There are so many close people that are affected. I am unable to even give them a shoulder. I think I am a great peace-time friend. When it’s war, I think I suck.

Really.

Ok. Deep breath.

In the sleepwalking through life section, I don’t have much to report apart from the fact that my to-do list seems to be growing faster than my belly, which in turn is growing faster than you can spell FAST. I think I am involved in way too many calls and that leaves me with very little time to actually do things. I need to find a way to reduce these calls and block more time for actual work. I will try to implement this from the coming week. Let’s see how it goes.

I think this is about it for the day. In the streaks section, here’s how I am doing.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 132
  • #aPicADay – 113
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 45
  • #noCoke – 45
  • 10 mins of meditation – 10
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 1
  • Surya Namaskar – 1

No, not working on Roshan’s story today. Have other things to work on.

Hope you have a good day.

210321 – Morning Pages

A longish rant on things that are fucking with my head. You may want to skip. You’ve been warned.

8:21. Starbucks, Versova.

This will be a rant. I guess a long one at that. Let’s see when I get around to writing it. The next engagement is at 1030 so I have plenty of time. Please bear. Skip if you have to. Shit’s happening around me and I need to talk to someone and there’s no one but this blog. Of course no specifics here. Will talk in as broad strokes as I can. I am listening to this on loop as I write this.

Lemme start with a simple metaphor that someone once told me (I think it was Hemant). He said think of a giant, spacious room bang in the middle of the city, next to a busy road. The room has floor-to-ceiling windows that give you an expansive view of the world outside. You can open those windows in the mornings to let the sunlight and the fresh morning air come in and make the place a pleasant one. But, if you forget to close those windows during the day, the freshness and the morning cheer will get replaced by the incessant honking of the traffic, dust, and grime from the world out there and may be some stench, some stink from the world beyond your house. Would you as a logical person, not close these windows when it starts getting noisy?

That!

I need to start closing the windows to my life and brain. Lemme elaborate. Thing is, I think of so many ideas, things, businesses, impact areas, and whatnot that are so forward-looking that it takes forever for those to reach a conclusion. Like it would happen with almost anything, with time, some most of those fall along the way (plenty of reasons – I am unable to keep up, the people I work with realizing that I am not the best partner, the timing is not right, I lose steam, I find a shinier object, shit happens, etc etc.). As a result, I often fail to close those loops. And thus, the metaphorical windows to my brain are left often. And instead of helping my brain get fresh air, I am left with the noise and dust. The windows need closing!

You know, I have often thought about myself being that person that had immense potential to do things that could change the world but I feel that I am not living upto that with what I do. I merely hop from one thing to another and along the way I leave behind unfinished projects, half-baked ideas and unfulfilled promises to the world, friends, connections and myself. When I die (which I hope is not before I am 120), I would probably look like that sculptor that has a million unfinished pieces in his repertoire, each with a potential of becoming a David. It would be such a crime that I would waste all the potential. Assuming I have the potential.

I mean I can focus on one thing, one statue that goes onto outshine David and others of the ilk but my magic, my method, the madness comes from trying new things, new experiences, talking to new people, seeding new ideas, seeing new possibilities, and well, chasing the new shiny toy. Lol, the number of times I used “new” in that sentence has to be a world record of sorts.

So, I dont want to stop creating new things, opening new doors. After all, each thing I have in life is a result of all the million shots that I take without any purpose or anything. So that’s not stopping.

What I will do is try and close each loop window that I open in a predictable amount of time. Or once I reach some sort of conclusion. Or when I know the time has come to move on (which is tough to know to be honest). But I will close for sure. I think I have written about this earlier as well on one of the SoGs (I think). Let’s see if I find a link when I come around to editing this. Can’t find.

Also, while I will close all the new loops, new projects, new ideas and all that going forward, I know I cant roll back time to undo all that I should’ve done. I’ll see which ones I can. Even if they aren’t that many.

This is also a good time to tell myself to revisit Dr. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, a book that has been like a ‘bible of life’ of sorts for me. The funny thing is that a lot of intelligent, aware, educated people don’t agree with him. But to me, he makes immense sense and everytime I read it, I take away a life lesson from it.

The antidote to the shit in head, I think the rule that is most pertinent is about setting my own house in order before I try and change the world.

I mean I do want to change the world and each thing I do is from that lens but since I am unable to close the ideas, the loops and other things, I am unable to make even an iota of dent.

I think this is about it. No, I am not any lighter since I started writing this. But I do know that I have vented out and I can move onto the next things. Like Dr. Peterson says in Rule 6, I need to take responsibility for the misery that has been inflicted upon me by my actions / inactions. Here on, I shall take responsibility and put the house in order. I have to play a role in helping the world become better.

Ok enough. Time to get on with the day. Here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages – 99
  • #aPicADay – 80
  • 10K steps a day – 1. The monthly average is 9K steps. I’ll see if I can take this up to 10K by the time month ends.
  • OMAD – 0 (stress ate ice-cream late night). Trying to fast today. Though I am tempted to stuff myself with food.
  • #noCoffee – 11
  • #noCoke – 11
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0

Over and out.

180321 – Morning Pages

The morning pages has evolved into a friend of sorts where I go and rant and cry and wail about things that I cant talk to anyone else about. Here’s one such post.

6:38 AM

For all the ‘living in public’ that I want to do, there’s something that I want to talk to someone about and I don’t know who to. And it involves someone else and without putting names or context, it would be of no use. So, at some point of time in life, I want to be able to write about it in public. But as of today, it will go on my echoChamber. It is big enough that it’s making me rethink my entire way of working / living / thinking / doing. Anyhow. Later.

Before I go ahead, the track of the day is this.

Next. The folks at Producerland announced their lineup of people that they have selected. I saw their profiles and I am slightly disappointed with it. Of course, one large reason is that I did not get through, but the other big one is that a lot of those people are from established production companies in India. I don’t think those people need networking. They are anyway in the market with access to capital, ideas, and talent. It is people like me that need it. Oh, Debasmita, the writer and producer at Bin Bulaaye made it. So that is nice. I don’t work with her anymore but she is exactly the kind that will benefit from this. Super ideas, talented at multiple things, great human being, interested in telling stories that have legs beyond song and dance.

Oh, while writing this, an epiphany happened. I use this blog as a friend. In the sense, I talk about things that I don’t know who else to talk about. Most of my friends do not understand the world I operate in. My family has no clue what I do. My Board of Directors often does not get context. The significant other is almost non-existent. And in absence of all these, I think it is this blog that gives me some sort of grounding. I can blurt out what’s on my head. I get the load out of the way and I can do more things. In fact, each morning, I look up to waking up and writing on morning pages. I often make notes while I sleep, about things that I would write the next day. And then I write! And then I feel so light that I could fly away ;P Ok. Enough.

So, food. Remember how I spoke about my izzat being at stake yesterday? I said…

I have to have to HAVE TO avoid hospitals at all costs. I need to get going. So, here’s the thing. I will gun for a 2-days fast. And then I will go on for as long as I can. Really. This time I will do it. Izzat ki baat hai. I will eventually add some sort of workout to my regimen. But I need to get the hernia operated on before that. Maybe I will start with dance or yoga?

From Morning Pages on 17th Mar.

I ate breakfast, a lunch, an evening snack, an ice-cream around dinner, and then a dinner! There is no way I am going to lose weight :(. The saving grace is that I did walk some 14K steps. And that too purposefully. Phew!

The excuse I gave myself is that I had a COVID scare and I need to eat and get nutrition but now the test has come out and it tells me that I am negative. So that’s ok. And yeah, the test is as uncomfortable as you imagine it to be. I hate hospitals!

Wait. I will try again today. I will try and not eat. Let’s see how it goes. I just need to get started.

I think this is about it. No. Wait. Another thing. Yesterday I learned the importance of money. Or the lack of it.

While I was fuming and I did not have anyone to talk about it, I took to Twitter and posted a rant about how I am gareeb and all that. The trigger was that that there are way too many things I want to do and none of them will probably make money and thus I will have to keep pouring money into those things and that means I will need to have infinite money. Right now, I am very far from it. And there’s no way I can seem to find a solution to my money woes. I mean I have some work on my plate these days and if this continues, I will be ok. But the large, infinite source of capital that I may need is still missing 🙁

While I was wailing in misery, Ajeet Sir had an interesting perspective on my quandary. Here…

From AK’s tweet here.

Now, this is super duper interesting. Multiple reasons. A, he validated that I have the ability! Yay! External validation #ftw! B, he slapped me on the face that I dont put in the effort. I dont know how to put efforts. I need to get out of the current financial mess that I have got myself into and along the way find an answer to this. I think I need to relook at how I operate in life. I think I am ok with taking risks. The thing that I suck at is ability to convert those risks into actionable, tangible steps that take me closer to where I want to be. I need some sort of a coach or something. Damn…

Anyhow, I am done with the pages. Feel a little relieved that what I was earlier. Let’s see how today is. So that. And to end the post, here’s the streaks…

  • Morning Pages – 96
  • #aPicADay – 77
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 8
  • #noCoke – 8
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0