221021 – Morning Pages

I talk about how my dreams of a nation are getting shattered! And more.

8:54. Some hotel in Gurgoan. Before you ask, no I am not sick or tired of sleeping on a different bed each night. I actually like it. Let’s see how many days this continues.

Ok morning pages. I have to start by “declaring” that today I am fasting. Come what may. And I will not even have coffee. Or Coke. Only water. And chewing gum. I dont feel good. There’s way too much kachra that I have been feeding myself. I mean there’s nothing that comes close to eating the perfect Chole Bhature in Delhi and the after-taste is great and you feel good. But after a while, all the maida sort of blows up my belly. So, I am done. At least today. Not sure about tomorrow. But today, I am on a fast. If I eat something today, I will donate 5000 to a charity of Krishna’s choice.

With that out of the way, let’s talk the real morning pages.

So, unless you live under the cave, you would know that SRK’s son is in jail. And there was this Fab India ad that created a storm. And yesterday I discovered there was another ad by Ceat that made people mad. And I think I mentioned on morning pages that an email exchange on my alumni group sort of showcased the rift in the society and the angst that is simmering just below the surface.

And, it SUCKS. To a point that I have decided (and it’s a #lifeEvent for me) that I will move on. And I regret that I did not move on earlier. I don’t know what I would do (the skills I have are not really transferable) but I will move on. Even if I have to become a cabbie. I know it’s one life and time doesn’t turn back and I am closer to my death than how many years I have been around. I know my biggest “career” bet (with films with TRS, in terms of efforts, money, emotions) is right here. I know that I wouldn’t be able to start from scratch. But I know that I am out. I will probably plan the move. I mean it may take a few months. Or a few years. Or whatever. But I will move on. Here’s a promise to self. #sgLifeGoal. I will not die in India. Unless I can “affect” how India is.

So that.

Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|. It’s tough being who I am. Conflicted. All over the place. Spread out. Etc etc.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. The fact that I can decide on how to spend my time.
    2. The fact that I can use the gift of the gab decent enough to get things done and create opportunities.
  4. Things that would make my today great. Just one thing.
    1. If I can fast, it would be great. I’ve been up for 40 odd minutes and I’ve just had water. Need to sustain this for another 14 or so hours 😀
  5. A daily affirmation. I can control my urges and wishes. I am the master of my sense. If I decide to stay hungry, I can go for hours. And even days.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I ate Chole Bhature yesterday. Loved the taste. I realised that I am not as taste-dead as I thought I was.
    2. It was amazing to sit by myself in an empty office of a friend and get a few things done.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. Work. Funnily, there is nothing on the top of my mind but work. I would have loved to get more things done than what I got done yesterday.
    2. Food. If I could control the food that I ate, it would be better.
  8. Quote for the day
    Dar ke aage jeet hai! Lol!

Guess this is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 3
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 14. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 15
  • Money spent – 11268
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 15
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 15

130921 – Morning Pages

A note from the land of thekas and perpetual construction!

8:43. This one comes to you from a Starbucks in Gurgaon. Took me almost two hours to reach here. Had to meet a couple of people and anyway what else would I do at home. I am even hoping to stay back the night and meet more people if I can.

There is this funny feeling when I am in Gurgaon. I see these tall, swanky buildings and people dressed in their official best and making merry after their office hours at those fancy places to dine out. It’s a world that I want to belong to but I am unable to relate to. A lot of people I know can only navigate life in such worlds and would probably be lost at a place like Mumbai, where I have decided to live life has decided to make me call home. Actually, I can’t really call Mumbai home. There’s nothing that I look forward to. The only thing that Mumbai offers me that no other city offers me is the freedom and convenience to move around. And in a way, I want to. I mean I am almost always the worst dressed person around. And in Mumbai, it’s cool. At Gurgaon, I get stares when I walk around. Today I am dressed in my best shirt and a pair of jeans. And yet I am being stared at. Probably it’s the chappal.

Reminds me. I have less than a week now to go and I am still not wearing shoes. And to top it off, I went and bought a pair of hiking sandals for myself. My plan is to wear those as far as I can. And wear shoes only and if only I need to.

In other news, I have started to think about where life would take me from here on. For a change, I have started to get serious. In the sense, I was in the zone where I was steadfast in my decision to stay independent. Where I try to find work that gives me the freedom to move around, live anywhere, and do multiple things. But this trip to Delhi has changed a few things. For starters, I now need to up my ante as a son. My parents need me. And they need the money. With my lifestyle, money has always been a challenge. I was ok to live life as and when and I have upgraded and downgraded my lifestyle a few times already. But now, I think I need some sort of stability. More than for myself, for my folks. They have only given me. I owe them this much. Even if that means I need to put my life and my aspirations at stake. In an ideal world, I would make both things work – get something that allows me the freedom, and them the comfort that money can bring. No, I often dont talk about these things in public but well, live in public!

Ok. Moving on from somber things.

I am still undecided about working from Nepal. On one side, it would offer an opportunity to work from a new place and understand a new place. The stint in Goa was very very useful. I made a few connections and learned a lot. If I could work from Nepal for a few days, it would be very enriching. In arguments against working from Nepal, the challenge would be to find a place that allows me to make phone calls in peace and a comfortable enough bed to crash on. BTW, my definition of comfort is fairly evolved and most people I know will probably not understand it. More on this some other day.

What else? Guess this is about it. I am in that place where I know that I have a 3-week break coming up. In less than a week. And that means I can’t initiate any new projects. And there’s no time per se to even push things on exiting projects. Weird kind of place to be in, to be honest.

But I guess, as they say, this too shall pass!

And before I end this, here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 186
  • #noCoffee – 30
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 2560
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1 (buying things for once in a life adventures)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 276
  • NOFAP – 12

100921 – Morning Pages

A quick post where I rant to my heart’s content. About nothing in specific. And yet, about everything.

7:08. Home. Woke up some time ago. I am unable to find a place where I can sit and work. There is this humdrum of a well-lived house – sounds of clattering from the kitchen, water being poured somewhere on some plants, the incessant doorbell, and so on and so forth. I am so so so used to living by myself and designing my spaces to my liking that I am unable to understand how to react to all this commotion. Of course, this is not commotion per se. This is more like the sounds of life but I guess these are not for me. I designed my life in a way that I did not have a kitchen (though I wanted to change that), there was no one to talk to or do anything till I first initiated. Even when I lived with sgGF, she was the kind to sleep late and I had the first few hours of the day to myself. And there’s nothing that sets my mood, the tone of my day like the mornings do. My mornings are the most sacrosanct time. I need to be left to myself – even if I am watching Taarak Mehta!

Plus, since I have come home (been two days), I haven’t been able to think of things. This happens each time I am here. I am not sure what is the cause. There has to be one. Why is it that I am not as engaged as I would want to be when I am in Delhi? #tothink

Anyhow. Rant hai. Moving on.

So in the highlights yesterday, I met one of those young ones that I want to become my budhape ki laathi. It was fabulous to see young people and their ambitions and dreams and the effort they are willing to make for that. I wish I could give them a better support system than what I have offered them right now. I call them #teamSG. I need to find a better name. I mean Team SG is super vain and I don’t want that. So that’s something I need to work on.

I was also at a Decathlon outlet and I was amazed at the collection. The sad part though was that the person who was support to help around was super uninterested in selling. What a shame, to be honest. Also, I noticed a subtle difference. At the Decathlons in Mumbai, they dont ask you to deposit your bags to the security. Here, they did. Guess something to do with how people behave? How big a problem pilferage is in Delhi? Lol!

Oh, I missed mentioning but I slept at around 7 last night. Woke up at 9. Slept again at 10. And then I woke up at 6ish today. And while the sleep was ok, I had a few distinct dreams that I recall. Yay! I think it’s after a while that I have been able to remember my dreams. Took a note over at #echochamber.

For the EBC, I had planned to take a Gimbal and a new phone to record a video blog of the journey. However, I have decided against it. I dont have the money to get a phone. And the one I have can’t do – it’s a three-year-old iPhone and the battery is literally dead. And I dont want to spend anything. I would rather use the money to help build the people that I care for. No, I can’t put in words why I do this for others but this is what defines me and I can’t escape from it. Maybe with time, I will change but as of today, this is how it is. So that!

What else?

I feel as if I have a lot to talk about. A lot to write. A lot to pour out. But then the thoughts are scattered so all over the place that I dont know what to do. I am so glad that I have this break coming up. I will be with some people but I can choose to remain aloof and silent and merely observe things. Let’s see how that experiment goes.

Guess this is about it. Time to get going with the day. Have a lot to do. Need to of course find a place to go work from. Not sure where I’d go. Time shall tell.

Over and out. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 183
  • #noCoffee – 27
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 6096
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 273
  • NOFAP – 9

080921 – Morning Pages

A short note on mortality and how I would want to leave this world. When I do.

9:38. Home. The only home I’ve ever known. Except in the embrace of the ones I that I’ve loved. And the ones that have loved me. So this home, the one I have grown in, am here after a while. Almost a year! The last time I came here, it was Diwali of 2020 and then I went to Goa. And then I was in Mumbai and then the pandemic hit us again and all that. So that.

Ok. Time to get into some somber mood. This is probably one of the most important posts I’d ever write. I hope words can do justice.

So yesterday, I went to a hospital to meet a relative who’s just had heart surgery.

Lemme give some context. I’ve known him since I was a child and I have spent enough and more time in his backyard. Even in his lap. And he’s given me no less love than he would give to his children. And in life, he’s been a pillar to the entire family. And beyond. He has been an icon of righteousness, selfless service, and everything that you want in a man. No, he’s not really one of those people who’d inspire you with his tales of courage or exploits in business. He is as simple as they come and yet as special as they could be.

Yesterday, he was bedridden. Which is ok. I have seen him when he’s asleep.

But then he had a million wires and hoses and pipes running through his body to the machines that sort of keep the vital functions alive. He looked frail. Fragile. He still had his confidence and his neck held high, the one that I remember him for. But he was clearly putting in a lot of effort to do that. And oh man, did he put the effort!

Of course, he would recover and would be back to action before we know it. Of course, this is part and parcel of life. Of course, I need to be strong and get used to seeing my loved ones in that state – after all, age is catching up.

But that’s not what this post is about. It is about how I do NOT want to be like that. Articulation happened when I was talking to Krishna yesterday. So, the thing is, most people that know me, know me as someone hyper. Someone that can’t sit idle for a minute. Someone that is so fidgety that he’s moving all the time. Someone so full of energy that it’s literally impossible to control. Or contain. Someone who’s so infectious, so disturbing, so all over the place that you can’t ignore him. I dont know if this is good or bad. But this is how I am. If you have any other impressions of me, please do let me know.

So, if I were to fall sick and I am forced onto a bed, bondage-d by pipes and cables and all that, I do NOT want anyone I know to see me decapitated like that. Before any of those people that I love (there are just a handful of those) were to see me like that, I would want the plug to be pulled. Really. I have thought hard about this. For all the zest I have for life, for all the things I want to do with our limited time here, if I am ever in a position like that, I really want my dreams, my hopes, my existence to be wiped out. I am ok to go without saying my goodbyes. The good part is that hardly anyone cares for me outside my parents and probably my sis. So there is no question of giving closure to people. They would find it. Time anyway heals.

Coming back. So, I dont want the ones I love to have the last memory of me to not be of a person that couldn’t sit still and not have child-like enthusiasm or energy. Come what may.

So yeah. That.

Over and out.

And here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 181
  • #noCoffee – 25
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 3109
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 271
  • NOFAP – 7

020921 – Morning Pages

A quick post about a day when I am uncharacteristically happy. About nothing in specific. Read on!

8:19. Starbucks.

Second last day in Mumbai for this stint. The move has been surprisingly smooth. I mean it had all the snafus and fubars and all that (shifting, packing, misplacing things, breaking things that I am sentimental about, etc) but more or less it was an ok experience. The advantages of not having a lot of things! Minimalism +1!

Even though I slept with a heavy heart (not sure why – may be cos I am not doing well at work, may be I am not feeling loved by the ones I want to be loved by, may be it’s just because I am moving away from Mumbai) but when I woke up, I was surprisingly in a great mood. May be because I did not eat a lot yesterday and my system is feeling clean. Lol. May be because we wrapped the shoot of the next short (but I did not play any role in it apart from funding it). May be I spoke to an artist (Manmeet Narang – see this video) that I am a big fan of and that interaction left me inspired. May be it’s the fabulous weather – some sunshine, some rains, a lot of wind – exactly the kinds I’ve experienced in my trips to colder counties.

I dont know what it is but I am in the zone. I feel relaxed, content, in the moment. A rarity for someone like me that is all over the place, all the time.

As I write this, I am perched on a high table, hunched over my laptop and I am grooving to the music on my headphones. If you are curious, I heard this, this and now I am on this. I just hope this, whatever this is, continues. I must preserve this with all I have. I must try and reach this place, this feeling as often as I can. If only I knew how to. Let’s see.

So, the best part of yesterday was that I managed OMAD. It was pretty simple actually. All I had to do was not eat till about 12 and then occupy myself with work, meetings, and all that. Reminds me of the rant from a few days ago about food – that you eat when you are stressed, you are social or you are habituated. I removed all three yesterday. And I could manage. Let’s see how it goes today. I do have a long day with a lot of work and a lot of stressful phone calls to make. But I shall prevail. In fact, someone just shared this with me…

This is such a simple statement and yet so powerful. I must make the clear decision to stay away from things that drag me down, even if it’s work. I need to become unfuckwithable. And chase this contentment and chase greatness and chase impact and all that. Of course, these are very very wide statements and at some point, I need to crystalize these, and I will. But, definitely a #note2self

Oh, today also happens to be Shubhi’s birthday. She’s one of those rare people that I can bare my soul in front of. No other thoughts to be honest. Just wanted to put this here. She is that important.

I guess this is about it for the day. Time to get started. Like I said, I have a long day ahead. Let’s see how I end the day.

Here’s the streaks.

  • OMAD – 1. Managed it yesterday. I sort of decided that I will spend the next few days trying to get in some sort of shape for EBC. Even though I am very late for it. But I will do whatever I can.
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 175
  • #noCoffee – 19
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 630
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 265