040521 – Meditations

Had to wade through brainfog to be able to get these 800 or so words out. May not make a lot of sense.

7:07. Been up since 6:30 or something.
Wait, I need to spend less than an hour on this.

So, yesterday was weird. I started at around 9 and worked till about 8:30. Post that, went for a walk (and was on work calls even then) and was unnaturally tired while I walked. So tired that after just about 3000 steps I wanted to sit at someplace. No, not sit. Lie down. In Shavasana. However, since I was on a call, I endured for about 5000 steps and then I just couldn’t continue. I gave up.

I then hailed a rick and asked him to drive me around. Lol, poor man’s car ;P

The guy took me to Juhu Chaupati and then I asked him to take a U-turn. The ride was weird and good at the same time. I think I saw the life beyond the bylanes of Andheri after a while. I am the kind to anyway not step out beyond a certain radius, the lockdown has made me even more contained. At least for me, despite all my privileges, it is getting increasingly difficult by the day to live a life in a shoebox. Us humans were not designed to rest in one place. We are hunter-gatherers. We are colonizers. We are supposed to meet people and thrive. We are social. We are animals that need other animals – both stronger and weaker than us. The ones that are stronger scare us, inspire us. The ones that are weaker allow us to justify our existence. But in isolation, in a lockdown, when all you have is you and your thoughts, it’s impossible to be what we are supposed to be. Damn, I hate this.

Now I know what solitary punishments feel like. I at least have the freedom to move in my house, what if its all of 120 sq ft big? In a jail cell, you probably are in a stinking crowded room that’s half this size without any comforts!

While I was thinking about this in the morning, a character popped up in my head. It may sound autobiographic but imagine a regular person that sort of flips in the head because of the lockdown. To continue with his sense of adventure, he hacks together a sniper gun and starts knocking off people at random. And since he is on a higher floor of a high-rise in a country like India, he remains hidden and inaccessible.

No, I dont know what happens when he’s eventually caught. I did not think that much. But at least he gets to a sense of purpose! Lol!

Anyhow. Coming back to yesterday. The other thing worth noting is that I felt bloated for some reason. Probably this is why I couldn’t walk around in the evening. May be, I am eating a lot of crappy food? I can probably keep a log in terms of what I ate – yesterday, I had Dosa, Idli, Ice Cream, and Sandwiches. All these things were ordered (I don’t have a functional kitchen) and are super-high with carbs! May be that’s causing the stomach to inflate like a balloon?

Thing is, I’ve always had the guts of steel (thanks to growing up in a lower-middle-class part of Delhi) and I could digest whatever came my way. But I guess with age, I am becoming a soy. Maybe it’s all the seating on a cheap plastic chair for hours to get things done. Maybe it’s stress? I don’t know.

But I can fix things that I think are causing this. I think I will get back to eating less and eating lesser carbs. At least I won’t feel knocked up. So, will order today.

PS: I could workout as well but then I know I cant. I can walk for hours. I can do some yoga but I cant work out. It bores the hell out of me. I dont know how people go thru it.

In other things, I started reading Chuck’s Consider This and I am hooked already. To a point that I did not want to put it down, if not for work. I can see that I will fall in love with reading all over again if I can finish this book. I mean this book is more on writing than on anything but it still is written like a typical Palahniuk style!

Moving on. So one of the things that I decided yesterday was that I will get ready early enough and start with work. I did that and I think I did a lot yesterday. I just didn’t end on time – I think should stop “working” at 8 hours dot. Let’s see if I can.

I had also decided that I will not sleep during the day. And if I am sleepy, I would walk to the nearest Starbucks or Blue Tokai and grab a coffee. Yesterday, I wanted to but I could not find the time or opportunity to do so. By the time I did get the time, I did not feel the need. So that worked out. Let’s see how it goes today. I suspect I will need it. I have a lot to do and I don’t have a lot of energy – I feel drained even though I’ve just woken up.

Oh, I’ve also observed that the days I am groggy (the way I am today), the words for the morning pages don’t flow. This one was a struggle to write. To a point that I had to take frequent breaks. And still, I am not happy with the outcome. Ok, it’s almost 8. Need to get going.

See you guys on the other side. Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 142
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 55. I plan on ordering some today.
  • #noCoke – 55
  • 10 mins of meditation – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

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