Category: Morning Pages

150421 – Meditations

Yet again, a rant about how things are and how I am coping (not too good, if you want hints).

7:12. Andheri.
Woke a few minutes ago. The minds blank. I don’t know what to write. Even though I have a lot on my head.
Lemme try bullets.

a/
So, we have a lockdown from today in MH. That means I wouldn’t be able to go for my walk.

Damn.

The only thing that was keeping me sane. But that’s ok. I will prevail. I am stronger than that. I hope so.

This entire COVID situation is getting out of hand and the government seems to be failing at controlling it. From stupidity around election rallies to gatherings like the Kumbh, to allow the country to remain permeable, to even fudging the data, there have been numerous slips.

Also, honestly, I can’t blame just the government. You and I and People are to blame as well. For example, I can’t sit at home (if I call where I live home). While I may claim to take precautions, how do you enforce everyone to be sensible? How do you ensure that there are no slip-ups? We are human after all!

Plus people will die hungry if they do not step out! I mean, they can’t be at home. I don’t even know how to fix that. Damn, it sucks to be a mere armchair activist.

b/
On my way back from the walk last night, I took a rick. Got talking to the driver. I quipped that now that traffic is less, he must be having it easy while driving.

No, he was not amused.

He said he liked it where there was traffic. The meter doesn’t stop. The passengers don’t stop coming. The wheel of life continues to move. He said that if there’s a lockdown, he would be forced to go back to his hometown, somewhere in Bihar. And this is when he had just come back in December after an 8-month-long hiatus.

Funnily, minutes before this conversation, I had a friend tell me that the pollution levels in Mumbai would fall and it will get green and nice and gorgeous. Can’t say no to that. Mumbai is beautiful if you remove the filth that we spew on it.

In my head, what was contrasting was that these two worlds — one of the people that are perched atop their high-rises and the other of those that are literally crawling on the street — will never see the world from a similar lens.

The worst are people like me that are stuck in the middle. We don’t belong at either end. We are not privy to how either lives. We shuttle between resignation, acceptance, denial, and hope. We merely chase vanity and comfort. The high-rises inspire us. The streets are the epitome of negative reinforcement. We chase the comfort and go-getter-ness of the two extremes. We shun pain and try to unsee what these two worlds are going through – one behind the closed doors, the other, communal. Out in the open.

For someone like me, I dont even know how to communicate my anguish.

Someone that drives a rick, has an option to go back to his hometown. He will somehow find a train ticket and go. Someone on the 29th floor of a building that has 5 levels of parking to prop the 29th even higher, has an option to continue to live without getting affected. The only bummer for her is that her “maid” would not come to help on the next party they’ve planned at home – lockdown or no lockdown.

For someone like me, the one in the middle, I have no hometown to go to. Even if I had, I would never be able to jugaadofy a ticket. Of course, no savings per se to talk about. No backup plans in terms of where I could go or what I could do. No birthday parties to host. No domestic help to worry about.

Of course, like I said yesterday, lately I’ve been doing better and I am seeing some signs of how life is at a point where things are a little more stable. With lockdown and the random madness it has thrown on me, I don’t even know if I’d be able to deliver effectivity and continue this stability.

It’s just a weird situation. I am clueless. I have even lost the ability to think straight. My writing has become mundane. Boring. Assuming it was interesting earlier. I took pride in my strong mental framework and how I never got affected by things around me. People could come, go, die, live, win awards, lose jobs, I remained steadfast.

Not anymore. I find myself thinking a lot about people that have lost someone close, lost something important, lost hopes for the future. To a point that I am becoming less and less effective at work.

Thankfully I still sleep ok.
Thankfully I still try and cook up ideas.
Thankfully there is a continual adventure. Like yesterday I realized that all domains that I have hosted on net4 (literally all!) are at risk of obsolescence. I can’t even log in to the control panel. Trying to salvage some of those but let’s see. All the hard work of the last so many years will go for a toss. How are you to imagine that a 20+-year-old company, listed on the stock exchanges will go down? Damn!

Anyhow. Enough. Moving on.

c/
Here’s a thing.
Starting tomorrow (today I wanted to rant), on these morning pages / meditations, I will write not more than 200 words about the day gone by or about things clouding my head. I would rather gun for writing something original. I have a few options.

I want to write a script and enter the NFDC Scriptwriter’s Lab. While it is not impossible to write a script in 15 days, I will try. I could do that. Would make for an interesting challenge.

Or I could write towards book2. Lol!

Or I could work on SoG Book.

I dont know. I want to write something original. Let’s see what I choose to do.

d/
Even though I knew of Coconut Milk all this while, yesterday, I bought a pack on a whim yesterday and it was delicious. The pack says that they don’t put any additional sugar and I want to believe it. I will see if I can sustain my taste for it for the long term.

e/
sgM1 is giving me trouble. Heats up randomly. It may be because of the stand that I have put underneath to prop it up? I tried to search online if this is a common occurrence and I couldn’t find others that have the same issue. So, mine is a unique case.

If the laptop conks off (in less than 3 months of buying it), it would be unfortunate. Thankfully, I still have sgAir. Even though it doesn’t work as well as it’s supposed to, I at least would have access to a computer that works. Without a computer, my ability to make money would get dented.

I can only hope that the computer continues to work as expected. At least till this lockdown is over.

f/
My back has been troubling me lately. I think it’s all the hours of sitting in front of the computer. To fix it, I decided to try and sleep on a yoga mat.

I must report that the experiment failed miserably. I had to get back to a mattress. Old age. Lol! Plus, classic example of shit people do when they are clueless about what to do and are bored!

g/
Finally, even though I touched it briefly in point “a” above, I am surprised that I am this affected, triggered, anxious. I am clueless and I have like zero energy / focus / attention during the day. I always considered myself far more stable, far more sorted than this. I am clearly not. Must work on this!

Let’s see what the future has in store for me.

As I end this, reminding myself that starting tomorrow, 80% of what I publish here would be original work and not just thoughts. Wish me luck!

Before I end, here’s streaks

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 123
  • #aPicADay – 104
  • 10K steps a day –3
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 36
  • #noCoke – 36
  • 10 mins of meditation – 1
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Original Work (limited time only) – -1 (starting tomorrow).

140421 – Morning Pages

A ranty post on the mindfuckery imposed by the lockdown. In case you read, please excuse the expletives.

7:02 AM. Andheri.
Been up for a few minutes. Had a fitful sleep. Guess it’s all the food that I’ve had yesterday. 4 full meals! Will try to fast today. Let’s see.

So they announced the curfew in the whole of Maharashtra. Plus no deliveries after 8 PM. So basically, I am fucked. I can hit the road today but I don’t know where to go. Goa is an option but the cases there are on a different trajectory. Plus irrespective of what people say, it’s impossible to get things done there (no phone / internet). Also, I am thinking if I have to get affected by COVID (of course I will try hard to not get the virus), I want to be at a place that has better medical facilities and I have a better shot at not dying! From what friends tell me, the scene in Goa is scarier than what it is at other places (cases, medical staff, general carefulness of people, etc). So that.

One thing is for sure. If I am stuck for these 15 days in Mumbai, at this place, I will have to find something that allows me to stay sane. I don’t know what that could be. Meditation? Some sort of home workout (this place does not have enough to spread a yoga mat – not sure how would the workout happen)? Keto? Ideas anyone?

The other thing I am worried about is all the time I would waste cleaning the house. I know I am not cooking but the metro construction across the road spews a lot of dust and particle material in my house. There’s a thin layer on top of literally everything. I will be forced to put in a lot of time just with dusting.

Sigh.
The fuck is happening.
And yes, I am one of those people in the favour of the lockdown. But not in the favour of not allowing me to walk on the road. Damn this powerlessness sucks.

Ok. Deep breath. Deep breath. I will find a way. And too dark. Wont delete.

First things first. I will restart meditation from today. I will restart OMAD. I will be religious about these things. Meditation right after I wake up, once I have opened the windows and all. I will sleep by 10, come what may. I will try and wake up at 5. 7 hours of sleep is good for me.

Lol. I sound like a desperate man.
Lemme change tracks. Lemme talk of three things that I am grateful for.

A. I walked 10K steps yesterday. I could’ve walked more. But I just took a rick and came back home. I did 15K the day before. Today, I will get about 20K for sure. Before the lockdown shit at 8 PM.

Walking is not important but what I do while I am walking is. I spoke to a couple of friends and helped them with what they are thinking about – one wanting tips on marketing. Another wanted inputs on how to do better.

Grateful that people seek my counsel.

B. I have money in the bank for the first time since mid-2019. I mean I still have a big debt that I need to repay but I am finally not worried where would I get the rent from. Or where would I get the money required for paying my people. Even though the cards are still maxed and I am merely rolling them over, I know that I have enough inflow to roll those over.

I am grateful for these opportunities that have come my way; that, in turn, has allowed me to get to this stability. This feeling is very very liberating. To a point that I am probably sleeping better.

I just need to augment this.

C. For all the cribbing and ranting and hate that I have for this house that I live in, I am sincerely grateful that I have a roof over my head. I may have complaints about the lack of space, I am grateful that I don’t have to share this with anyone. I may not be able to remove all the furniture, I am grateful that I have found some space to put my writing table and work on that.

So that’s that.

What else? Yeah! I am going to get started on Diet Coke. I havent had it more than 30 days. It’s time I get back to it. For a month or so. And then I will quit again. Help me decide?

Help me decide!

So yeah, this is it. No book2 today. I have a lot of work. To end the post, here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 122
  • #aPicADay – 103
  • 10K steps a day –2
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 35
  • #noCoke – 35
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0

130421 – Meditations

What started as a recap of the day got converted into a rant. Lol. Read at peril.

6:56. Andheri.

Slept for some 7 hours. And I feel I have overslept. Even though I had a looooong day with a million phone calls and a billion things to remember, I feel overslept. You know how you feel you should’ve woke up earlier? I don’t think I can do 8 hours of sleep. But 7 I think is doable. Must aim for that.

So, I did a 10K yesterday. Walked on Versova Beach. Among other things, a lot of people play cricket there. While I was passing by some of those, I tried to catch a ball or two. I tried to stop one from my feet. I even threw a ball towards someone.

I remember as a child, I was pretty nifty with all these. I may not have been a Jhonty Rhodes but I definitely was among the better ones with my reflexes and hands and feel. I could stretch myself like a rubber band and dive further than a swimmer to take impossible catches. I could outrun the balls racing towards long boundaries. I could then throw right on top of the wickets, if not hit the wickets. I rarely missed.

However, yesterday, I felt I was reduced to a pale memory of my former self. And it hurt, it pained to observe that something that I was good at, I am not longer even considered eligible for. Guess this is how oldies feel when they sort of retire. It’s the worst feeling in the world!

Picture a young man of 22 who’s take a bus to reach the large departmental store where he was a security guard for years. Just that after 40 years in the service, he no longer looks strong. His actions are slower. His reactions are labored. And he knows that there are murmurs of them trying to find a replacement. Replacement of a person that has literally given his entire life to an establishment! Old age. Sigh. I hate this.

Anyhow. The good part is that I did 15K steps. I was tired but I continued to talk. One of the main issues why I can’t do some sort of a work out (apart from my Hernia that is troubling me all over again – need to get operated finally) is the boredom that sets in after a while. I think the secret is that I need to schedule the calls that don’t need me on video or a computer for the time I walk. For example, yesterday, I had calls from 6 till 830 that did not require me to be on a video and I walked for the most part of it!

Earlier I would listen to podcasts but I think I need something more engaging. More involving. More proactive. You know, like a conversation. Agreed that there’s background noise but I think most people are ok to make that concession. The world is kind like that.

In other news, there are rumors of a lockdown from tomorrow in Mumbai at least. If that happens, I will probably not survive. I mean humans are like cockroaches. They’d find their way through even the nuclear war (remember Wall-E?). But I can not be closeted in a house. A small one at that. I need space. I need to move around. I need people. Even if I don’t talk to them. I am ok to not talk to them. But I need to observe. Make secret jokes to myself about how they are dressed, how they behave et al. But I need them. I need the fresh air that the “modern homes” in Mumbai are not capable of providing. I need to, need to have access to literally an open sky. Of course with an AC in that room. Lol.

Ok. I am digressing. The point is, I can’t survive a lockdown. I have to escape it somehow. Even if I get fined by the cops or get a whack on my butt, I need to be out and about! Fuck this pandemic. Fuck the stupidity of people. Fuck the majboori of the world that they are forced to risk their lives to make ends meet. Fuck our incompetent policymakers and politicians and others that could’ve done better. Fuck Saurabh Garg. For always being on the sidelines when the crisis hits and not taking any action. I had more than one year to get active, learn more, foresee the crisis, and plan for the contingency.

Deep breath, Mr. Garg. You are ranting. The point is not to get angry. The point is to find an alternative to what is coming my way. May be I will borrow VG’s car and hit the road without a destination in mind. I will probably end up driving to Goa but still. If the North East was not that far, I would probably drive all the way there. Let’s see what the government declares tomorrow. Once that happens, I will decide.

So, It’s 8:14 and I have a call at 9 AM. So I have about 45 mins to write for #book2. Let’s see what I create. I am going to write about something that I have not written so far. I mean I may have written on one of the previous passes over the years but I will stay away from usual suspects (Rujuta, Raunak, Mrs. Gomes, Udita, Chintan, etc). Here we go.

[START]

“How much is enough?”

“More than what the world has to offer.” Despite what he did or what he was infamous for, he was a very well-read person at the end of the day. His repertoire included texts not just from Hinduism and Christianity but also from western philosophers, obscure thinkers, scientists, and statesmen. And he knew he was intelligent and knew all of that. And that coupled with his false sense of insecurity is what made him a highly functional sociopathic. And he knew this as well. And he used it to his advantage. Every time he had to do something that even he would not agree with, he would use the excuse of his sociopathic traits to get justify his actions. Like this time.

“How can one man have all of it already? And still want more?” His father asked.

“That’s the point. I know I am here for a limited time. Maybe another 30 years if I don’t get killed by all the vodka that I love. And I need to be sure that when I die, the world stops moving. If I cant enjoy all that the world has to offer, why should anyone else get an opportunity?” He was bereft of any emotion when he spoke that. As if it’s a universal truth that most pundits would agree upon.

His father was exasperated. There was no point in breaking his head over the stubbornness of his son. “This is not how it works. You are far intelligent than that…”

He cut his father midway and retorted, “That’s your problem, father. You never thought I was good enough to carry the fabled heritage of the Pauls. There was always someone else that had your affection.”

He took a pause. Poured himself some vodka and gulped it at once.

Even though his father was strict about not getting any alcohol in their house, the younger Paul was insolent.

“You think so?”

Ankit smacked his lips and said, “I don’t think so. I know. I am not dumb. You know it. I know it. There was always someone else that you held in higher regard. Ever since I was a child, you have ruled with an iron fist. I was punished for no reason. I was pushed against the wall all time. Why did you not just kill me right away when I was born? Why put me through all this suffering?”

He put his mouth to the bottle of Belvedere that he was carrying and took a big drag. This was not his choice of vodka, he had finer taste but this is what was available at the shop en route his ancestral home.

The father could respond to each accusation that was being hurled at him but he knew better. “Son…”

“I don’t want your fake sympathy. Give that to all of your proteges that you thought were better than me. I’ve come here to ask for the Green Book.” He dropped the bomb.

The Green Book was more treasured, holy, and inaccessible than the innermost Sanctorum of the most revered shrine in the world. It has been passed down their family for countless generations. Apart from the father and son, no one even knew that the book of life existed.

The father was not surprised at the demand. He knew that this day would come. Just that he did not expect it to come this soon, on the 30th birthday of the son. But then, the book did have hints of a big upheaval around the same time.

“What would you do with it? You know far more than what one book can teach you. And you have seen it. There’s nothing in there that you do not know about.”

“Again! I am not dumb, father. I know that that book is as worthless as toilet paper. But that book father is also when a Paul boy becomes a man. That book father is when a Paul passes on his reins to his son. That book father is what a Paul is born to inherit. It belongs to me and I am here to lay a claim to it before you betray the family and give it to someone outside. I will not let the Paul’s name go to ruin.”

It was ironic that the two of them were talking about the legacy of their family and both seemed to on the opposite ends of a river. Neither realized that they were at the opposite ends of a candle that’s burning from both sides. A far urgent, far ferocious inevitability. While the son could not see this, the father could see the writing on the wall. He had tried to delay this as much as he could. But the time seemed to have come. The book is never wrong.

He submitted.

“What you are doing right now is taking us closer to ruin than anything else has ever. The family has survived fires, floods, famines, false promises, and far more. You have read about it. I taught you myself.” He lowered his voice. “You were my brightest student, Son, but the book, the Pauls, you and me, this is where our story comes to an end.”

With a quick motion that surprised even himself, he flung the book into the fireplace.

[END] 8:57! Yay!

Anyhow. So, here’s the streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 121
  • #aPicADay – 102
  • 10K steps a day –1
  • OMAD – 1
  • #noCoffee – 34
  • #noCoke – 34
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0

120421 – Meditations

A conversation with self about a wide range of things that include health, sleep, book2 and more.

7:47 AM. Andheri.

I just woke up. I actually woke up the second time today. I slept at 8 last night. Woke up at 1. did some work till 4. And then slept again. And then I woke up. am a little tired but far better than what I thought I would be like. Guess polyphasic sleep is not bad. No, I am not advising anyone to change any patterns. Yes, I know more and more people have found to be a solid 8-hour of sleep to be life-changing. Anyhow. Different discussion for a different day.

COVID is now knocking on the doors. A good friend got it. Is recovering. Another good friend’s mother is in ICU. A former roommate’s parents got it the day before. An ex-girlfriend’s parents got it. They are still recovering. Quite a few colleagues have it. It’s a matter of time before I or my immediate family get it. I need to be mentally prepared for it. I can say all I want to but how do you cope with something as inexplicable as a communicable disease that spreads like wildfire ravages through tinder?

I don’t know how to escape. I have resigned to fate that it will strike my family and me at some point in time. I can delay it till I get the vaccine (assuming I want to get a vaccine – that’s another matter altogether). However, if it does strike, I am mentally prepared for all eventualities. But like I said, I hope it stays at bay.

In fact, these recent snafus around public health are troubling to be honest. I am scared that time would run out before I get to those lofty goals that I have for myself. The first deadline has just about 1800 days to go. I am thinking, should I try micro-dosing? There are 4 considerations here.

  • Moral – do I want the undue advantage? Guess this is easily answered.
  • Physical (long-term effect) – I am not sure of this. I need to read more and talk to people and see what they say.
  • Affordability – Again, I am not sure. Need to find out.
  • Access – Should not be a problem. If there’s one thing that I am sure of is my resourcefulness. I will get it from somewhere, if I decide to do it.

Wait!

Lemme write about this in #book2 as well. Allows me to conduct research for an unrelated matter. And add another dimension. May be the conflict could be to control the supply? Or could be to created under the influence? Let’s see!

So that. I have a busy day today. And the week for that matter. So, no time to waste. Its 8:13. I need to be ready and up and about by 9. Wait. I spend almost an hour on this everyday. Does this add up? Do I see any benefit in this? Do I get to inspire people from these notes? I am not sure. I may want to relook at this. The only tangible outcome I see is that I have something to look forward to when I wake up! Let’s see how this pans out. Like most things, I will let this simmer in my head and then will see what comes out of it.

No book2. Work needs to be done. See you guys tomorrow. And as I end this post, here’s the streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 120
  • #aPicADay – 101
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 33
  • #noCoke – 33
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0

110421 – Meditations

A quick note before I head off for something important.

0438. Andheri.

I woke up 5 minutes ago. Eyes are still groggy. Haven’t slept properly. Could’ve slept for more. But I would have missed writing this. I need to be on the road at 6:30. So there. Plus, I want to be up at 4 every day. So this is not bad a time to wake up.

Without further ado, here we go. Here are the things that I want to talk about…

Finished my quarterly update yesterday. It’s here. I am yet to send this to people. I will send it tonight. That’s how I work on important posts. I write. Forget about it. And then after a few days, I come back to it, tweak it and then put it in action. This allows me to look at things with objectivity.

I saw Irul last night. This is the second Malayalam film in two days (the first one was Joji). Again, did a thread alongside. Irul was better than Joji for sure. While both of them are in the crime space, Irul stands out for multiple reasons – limited characters (there are just three in Irul), one location (an old bungalow), and full of suspense. Brilliant writing. It did not let out who the killer was till the very end.

The other thing that stood out for me was that in Irul, one of the protagonists is a crime writer and writes crime / psychological. Has written one book. Has a regular day job. Who does he sound like? Lol!

I kept telling myself that if this were not a sign for me to get my act together and get serious about working on my next book, nothing ever would be.

Anyhow, I should do a proper review for both these films one of these days. The trouble is, I take a lot of time to write reviews (I will read what the director had to say about it, what was the inspiration, what other films exist in similar zone etc etc). And I must see other films. SK79 recommends that I see a few more Malayalam films like Super Deluxe and Kumbalangi Nights. I think I will. I enjoy watching content not merely for the sake of watching content and killing time but trying to find connections in what the filmmaker is trying to say.

Let’s see if I can find the time.

Yesterday was the 100th day of #aPicADay. Again, I have not missed a single day so far this year. I plan to do all 365. Let’s see what destiny has in store for me. While I am not happy with probably 85 of these 100 pics (its tough to get a shot everyday that epitomises what you saw on that day), I am happier that I got the streak going. As an individual, I have always

I tried for a 48-hour fast yesterday. I did not mention it. I managed 27 and then I ate like a pig. I had three full meals in one go. To a point that I couldn’t even breathe. I need to find a solution to this. I am thinking, I will subscribe to one of those Keto dabbas. I know they are expensive. I know that every time I have tried those in the past, I have sort of been unable to continue on Keto and have reverted to eating crap. May be this time I will be little better. I dont know.

For a change, this time, I can afford. But the question remains, do I want to? Is there a better option? Will think on this today and decide and act.

On #book2, I am not writing today. I don’t have the time. I did think of a line though. It goes,

Each day when I wake up, I am full of hope about the world I will get to live in today. But by the time I sleep, the hopes have been dashed in more ways than one.

The world that was supposed to be kind, is not. The people that were not supposed to rub me the wrong way, do. The odds that were shining bright in my favor sort of fade with the rising sun. The sun is too damn powerful like that. It’s supposed to give me energy. And here it is, taking away that thread that I hang onto for my life!

Raunak Singh, Carvan Serai

Guess this is about it for the day. Here’s the streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 119
  • #aPicADay – 100 Yay!
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 1
  • #noCoffee – 32
  • #noCoke – 32
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 2
  • Killer Boogie – 0

100421 – Meditations

Today’s post is about this restlessness in my head and heart for no apparent reason. May sound like a rant. Read at peril.

0728. Andheri.

Woke up about 15 minutes ago. Must have slept for 8 or so hours. Yesterday I was probably at the lowest points in my life. I don’t know why. I don’t know what was causing it. I literally slept through the day. It could be the house but I think I have made it bearable now. I even went for a walk and forced myself to do 10K steps. That did not help either. Oh, by the time I ended, I was so tired and breathless that I couldn’t even walk. Had to take a rick to come back. Since I needed a distraction, I saw this Malayalam film, Joji, and live-tweeted it. Here are the tweets in case. Interesting film. Good narrative. It’s one time watch for sure. I do feel that the story could’ve been better! But then my opinions may not make a lot of sense. Who am I after all? Unless I write a few things myself that are good enough for the world to take note of!

So that. On to #book2

[START]

Ankit was the dark horse of the family. Once he wanted something he wanted. By hook or crook. Or by Saam, Daam, Dand, Bhed. He could very well be the Duryodhana from Mahabharata. Often angry for no reason, often irritable for no fault of others, often at high pedestal that was accorded to him purely by his lineage, often rude when not required. When he was a child, even though his father knew where this was going, he did not believe in interfering with fate. Things that were written in the stars had to happen. Even if you used all your might, you’d not be able to stop those from happening.

So when Siddh, the Bhishma, had the opportunity to stop the young Ankit in his tracks, he chose not to. Rather he focused his energies on preparing for the hell Ankit was going to rain down on their tiny hamlet. A large part of the plan rested in finding the Krishna that would eventually goad the Pandavas into stopping Ankit. And that was becoming a problem. Each passing day he was getting older. Ankit was getting more and more belligerent. There was nothing that the old man, the father could do. Except wait. And keep others around him placated. His only hope was that he would find the savior soon. The other saving grace was that there was no sign of Indraprastha or Drauapadi. Yet. He knew it was a matter of time before Ankit would get fixated on something, someone that he would start showing his true colors.

Of course Siddh count confide this into anyone. His only companion was long gone. All he had were his books. Even if he tried to talk to others, they would probably dismiss. Being religious is one thing but being able to see the future is another altogether. People in Goa may be simpletons but they were not fools. Siddh, thus kept to himself.

[END]

So this is probably the first time I have expressed that I want Book2 to be an ode to Mahabharata and more importantly, Anjum Rajabali Sir.

What else do I want to talk about? Lemme think and write disjointed notes…

a, The lockdown for the next two days. I don’t even know how would I survive. I will try and walk around and see how it goes. Let’s see how it goes. I am supposed to go out on Sunday morning, going by the prep the cops had made yesterday, I am not sure if I’d be able to. Let’s see.

b, The mouse I ordered yesterday is here. Wireless is magic. The computer can now be perched at a distance and I and sit back and work. Well done, Mr. Garg. Why did I not think of this earlier? 😀

c, The quarterly letter that I send to mentors (archive here) needs to go this weekend. It was supposed to go last week but I could not edit it. This weekend, the letter is my task number 1. Everything else may wait. Lemme know if you want a copy!

d, Song of the day is an old favorite – So Gaya Ye Jahan. Here.

I guess that’s about it. I feel I have a lot more to say but I am unable to find the words. May be during the day? May be these morning pages / meditations are becoming a drag, a routine, and I have stopped deriving values from these? I mean I talk about how I spent the day. I talk about what I plan to do the next day. I share some of my thoughts that I don’t talk to the world about. I dump whatever is clouding my head. I almost never go back to what I have written. Except for those few days when I want to see where I was on a certain date in the past. I am not sure why I ought to continue with this. I mean, for that matter, I can question the meaning of life and all that. After all anything and everything we do while we are here is meaningless, pointless. Most of us would be forgotten within 50 years of dying. The impact we make would not last more than 100 years. We’d be lucky if things we create (companies, books, etc) live for more than 200 years after we are gone.

Reminds me of Camus and the Sisyphus. Despite not having meaning in anything that I do (including writing this post every day), the notion in my head that it keeps me going is what keeps me going!

Oh, here’s the thing. I have not read Camus. I merely know his name and what he talked about when he walked about Sisyphus. All I did was see this video to understand what he said. And here I am. Using his name like I am a scholar, deeply interested in his life. Lol. You see the problem there?

Anyhow. Enough for the day. Loads of rocks need to be rolled up some very high mountains. Oh, streaks? Here…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 118 (yesterday was 119 but today I checked and I am at 118. I made a mistake somewhere!)
  • #aPicADay – 99 (again, I checked. Today’s post will be 100th.)
  • 10K steps a day – 2
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 31
  • #noCoke – 31
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 1
  • Killer Boogie – 0

090421 – Meditations

Took almost an hour to write this one. Damn writing is hard! Lemme know what you think.

6:09. Andheri.

I woke after a sleep of 7 hours. No, I am still not as energized as I would want to be. But I am definitely ok. The good thing I did yesterday, amidst all the craziness around COVID is that I walked some 10K steps. Around the beach. So, small win.

I will start with #book2 before I get to the morning pages. This is the only way I will get some writing done!

[START]

“What’s the point of all this?” The loss, the grief, the pain, the suffering, all over again, for Rujuta, was way too much to bear. Why would the universe do that to her? Wasn’t she the best a human being could be? True she had done some inexplicable things in life but she was forced to do those. Knowingly she wouldn’t! Her values were better than that!

Raunak did not have any answers. The universe hadn’t been kind to him either. He never knew his family. He spent a large part of his life in jail. He’s always got close to where he wanted to and yet he never got to it!

They were still perched on top of the Betul Lighthouse. Even though it was inaccessible to the general public, Rujuta had her way with the government officials. It was like a scene out of Amir Khan’s 3 Idiots. Just that Rujuta and Raunak made for an odd pair. And instead of a water tank, they were on top of a lighthouse. While it was far from where they lived, the lighthouse had become Rujuta’s secret hiding spot. She liked to see the world from a height. That’s one thing that she missed about the highrises of the US. This was the first time she had got Raunak there.

Ranuak, of course, had no love for anything that gave him a bird’s view of things. He had had enough of that from that window in his jail. He wanted things to be a lot more real. Lot more tangible. Lot more earthy. He had to feel the texture, the place, the cracks, the smoothness with his feet, his hands, his body. He often wondered how much his life stayed still for almost 30 years and how much it changed in the last 3 months. It was straight out of the movies! He chuckled if Amir Khan would play his character if they ever made the film!

They continued to

[END]

So, on to morning pages meditations.

The thing I want to talk about right now is that humans are funny people. If not all humans, I am funny for sure. All this while I have cribbed about how this house is not the best that I have lived in and here I am, adjusting to its shenanigans, adapting myself to suit to space, cleaning the house, scrubbing it as much as I can, fight a losing battle against the birds and insects and lizards and cockroaches to keep them at bay and repeating to myself that it’s ok. If this continues, I may even begin to love this place!

If I can extrapolate this to other people, I am sure most others are rationalizing and tend to get comfortable in whatever they get. I think I have revolted against comfort but then I guess that’s how it is.

Also, the COVID situation is getting grimmer by the day. I know there’s the vaccine and all that but I am not sure it’s helping. I think I need to think about moving away from Mumbai. I don’t want to – I want to be in the middle of an ecosystem of interesting people that are hustlers and actually want to make money and there’s no way I will get that at any place other than Mumbai. Goa has loads of them but most of them are lost in their worlds.

The other thing I want to talk about is this friend. Let’s call him SK1979. So he is like me and unlike me – like me, he has a job that has nothing to do with films and like me, he wants to get into the business of films and like me, he is willing to put his money where his mouth is. Unlike me though, he gets paid a bomb, unlike me, he is focused (wants to do only films) and unlike me, he is clear about his fascination for films.

So last night for a project that we could potentially invest in, I got talking and I found that he and I were sort of completing each other’s sentences. And not in terms of specifics but in terms of values that we want to establish. I was in awe. Of course, he and I share values and that was reflected in our conversation. I am super lucky to have found him! I need to somehow find more such people and connect with such people and work with such people.

Unrelated, I got myself a Bluetooth keyboard for the computer. Oh man, this is life-changing. I need to get a Bluetooth mouse and with that, I think I can fix my back! And if I can hook the TV one of these days, I would be sorted!

I think whoever said that you need to invest in tools that make your life and work better was so right! Ok, by the time I finished this post, I placed an order. And damn, the Bluetooth mice are expensive! I got this one from Logitech! Also, if I may indulge, now that I am, may be I can get myself AirPods all over again once I have some more money to spare?

So yeah that.
This is about it for the day. Like all other days in the recent past, this is also going to be a long one. See you guys on the other side.

What else? Nothing much!

Here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 119
  • #aPicADay – 99
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 30
  • #noCoke – 30
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0

080421 – Meditations

A shortPost. Micropost, if you will. Just to get the streak going.

6:15. Andheri

I slept at 3ish and I am up already. I had to. There’s a lot on my plate. And thus, this post will be a short one. I have a boatload of work and less than a bucket of time. I need to do some serious focused, deep work if I have to get thru.

On the post today I wanted to comment on something that Leo Tolstoy once wrote. Here’s what he wrote about people from various nationalities. I wanted to give an Indian’s perspective.

Ley Tolstoy. In War and Peace.

In terms of achievement, I have to say that despite all the work I did yesterday, I still did not get myself a coffee. I know this is not something to be proud of. While I am trying to not get hooked onto anything specific, I still don’t know if I want to microdose on what I call performance additives. You know, coffee and such things. This requires some deeper introspection. Let’s see when I get around to that.

Apart from this, I have decided to get a home-office for myself that I can walk to. The intention is to get into zone more often, which I can never do while I am here.

Oh, the highlight of the day gone by has to be the filtering of applications for a role at TRS. We had some 80 applications and it was heartening to see so many people – young and old – wanting to work with us. Either we do some great work. Or there’s a lot of people wanting to get into films and all! I sincerely wish there was a way I could help each of those. I have started to believe that the future of work is individual brands and creators that get to make a living off their respective talents. I mean, there’s no way a small operation like TRS can hire more than 1 person. There’s no way I can hire more than a handful directly. But if we could enable each person to see light with their work, I am sure they’d be able to make enough from their friends, families, and strangers that they would live a more fulfilled life. Just that they’d have to create consistently and will have to work for the long haul! I hope they find a way. I hope we find our rockstar team member to help us through the next phase of growth.

Anyhow. More on this someday. Lol. Too many things have more someday ;P

Enough of musings. Time is short. Need to go. Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 118
  • #aPicADay – 98 Wow, just 2 days to go for a 100-day streak!
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 29
  • #noCoke – 29
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 1

With that, its over and out. Took me less than 5 minutes to get this out of the way. At least now I can focus on actual work at hand!

070421 – Meditations

A short ranty post that I converted midway into a piece of text for book2.

7:16 Andheri

Woke up ok. Better than the last few days. Guess I am getting used to the idea of sleeping in a noisy room with a lousy AC. So that’s cool.

So the highlight of yesterday has to be that I walked 10K steps yesterday. I don’t know after how many days. I mean I can find out the number of days but it’s been a while. It sucks to have been trapped in this house. I am trying to walk as much as possible (and that’s why the 10K) but I need to find another place for sure. May be some friend’s house.

OK!
I AM RANTING.
NEED TO STOP THIS. SO TODAY’S POST IS ONLY GONNA BE A PAGE FROM BOOK2.

[START]

One of Udita’a guilty pleasure is to play Jagjit Singh’s tracks early in the morning. Guilty pleasure because this was unlike the music Mrs. Gomes liked and you cant do shit at Caravan Serai that Mrs. Gomes did not approve of. But then at this ungodly hour, there were hardly any guests at Caravan Serai. All she had for company and audience was the cleaning crew that was anyway busy washing away what the revellers left behind the night, the cooing of birds that owned the beaches before the first stream of early risers started their jogs and the omnipresent sound of waves lapping up to the beach. These waves would drown out as the world started to life but at this time, there was hardly anyone that could give competition to what was probably the sweetest of sounds that nature created.

Except the rare, occasional song that the lone guard perched outside Caravan Serai would break into once in a while. These melodies were so rare that even after 5ish year at Caravan Serai, she would still get surprised when she heard him play his flute and sing. The language that he sung in had to be a dialect from Konkan but was different from what people spoke in Goa or even Maharashtra or Karnataka. Everytime she asked him about the songs he sung, he would skirt the conversation and divert her attention to something urgent happening at the other end of Caravan Serai.

Today, however she was determined to find out. The tourist season was long gone and there wasn’t a lot to be done anyway. She plugged in Jagjit’s Beyond Time and made her way to where the G001 was stationed. G001’s been around for a long time and as soon as he spotted Udita walking towards he knew what she would ask. Before she could make it, he walked off towards the beach.

Udita knew he was running away from the conversation and she had to ask him today. She was like any other young girl. Once she decided what she wanted, she would not rest till she got it.

She ran after him. “G001, wait! I need some help!” She knew he couldnt say to a call for help. Even if that would mean he’d have to put himself in harm’s way.

He slowed his unnaturally fast gait and turned around to ask her, “what happened? Is everything ok?”

She was still pacing towards him. She said, “Yes, yes. I just heard a piece of music and I need your help to place it.”

He knew where this was going. They’ve played this cat and mouse for a long time now. He sped towards the beach and said, “Not now. Mrs. Gomes has been asking me for a week now to get her a… “

Udita was literally running towards him. He was walking away effortlessly towards the sea. And yet the gap between them seemed to be increasing every second. She could hardly hear what he was saying. The gentle sounds of the waves crashing into the beach had now become loud thuds.

Udita yelled, “I can’t hear you, G001!”

G001 did not show any signs of stopping. He probably ignored what Udita said. The sea as restless today. The waves hit the land with more might than what G001 remembered. He knew that in another minute or so he will have to stop and face Udita. He did not know that he was going to be wrong about.

Udita knew this as well. She could see that he had reached to almost the end of the beach. She slowed down and said, “Where would you do now? I know you dont know how to swim! I am going to get my answers today!”

G001 turned around. Resigned to fate.

Udita came to a stop and bent over to catch breath. It was a tough hike, especially on the sandy beach.

She was about to come up with her trademark wisecrack but for a loud bang from where Caravan Serai was. She couldn’t comprehend what had transpired. All she could see was G001 running towards Caravan Serai, this time with a speed that she thought was humanly impossible.

[END]

So, to give context and add notes for myself, this is how I develop backstories of characters. This piece will probably not make it to the book whenever it comes out.

So that.
Felt good.
Maybe I will do this instead of ranting about how my house sucks and how I cant get fit and how I am growing old. May be. Let’s see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow.

Here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 117
  • #aPicADay – 97
  • 10K steps a day – 1
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 28
  • #noCoke – 28
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0

060421 – Meditations

A not so happy post about how I felt this morning when I woke up. Read at peril.

0536 – Andheri.
Just woke up. Super blank.

0626.
Wrote some on my quarterly review. Still blank about what to post on morning meditations. I think there are multiple reasons, not sure which one is at play. Let’s investigate. Here’s a list.

  • I have been closeted in my house for an entire day (I did go out yesterday morning to a Starbucks and then went for a walk after I recorded the podcast). I hate it here.
  • I ate 3 large meals – all full of carbs, bad oil, at inappropriate times. For none of those, I was hungry. I was just bored and bugged and wanted some change. Maybe its all the crap I am eating? Maybe I will subscribe to some Keto service or something. The other day SG19Feb asked me to lose 10 KGs. Why not?
  • I did not really work a lot per se but by the time day ended, I was exhausted. Even watching reruns of Taarak Mehta did not help.
  • I slept at around 11 and I woke up at 5:30. I know I need more than 8 hours of sleep but 6.5 hours of sleep is actually more than enough for me. Most days. I have to get the AC situation fixed. Too hot to sleep peacefully otherwise.
  • A tiny tiff with a friend I care for. I hate that the handful of people I want to understand me and get the subtext of what I am saying, do not!
  • I did not brush my teeth yesterday. I know. TMI. But cant help it.

Any or more of the above five six could be a reason for my exhaustion and blankness. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I am not liking how I feel right now. I tried everything – drinking water, stretching, moving around, music, even porn, writing, meditating, and more in the last 45 minutes. And yet I can’t seem to get my head to focus.

The more I think, the more I realize that it is probably because of the stress am taking that I will have to be indoors till end of April. I know that COVID is wreaking havoc and we need to stay indoors and maintain protocol but what about people like me who have the compulsive need to be out and about?

This staying indoors is going to fuck my brains. I don’t want to use the mental health thingy loosely. I am lucky that I am ok (compared to a lot of people I know) more or less. But if I am forced to stay indoors, I will find it tough to sail through. I dont know what to do. I have enlisted a friend to help me stay sane by giving me random things to work on.

Ok, while editing, I realised that this has come out too dark. Too sad. I am not that bad to be honest. Lemme talk of a few good things that have happened around me.

So, yesterday I recorded the first episode of the Investor Thesis podcast. I try to make this mythical creature called the investor more human. I try and understand what is required for a successful pitch to an investor. Of course, brevity is not my cup of tea and thus these are 90 minute long conversations. I will try to shorten these to about 30 (tough job) before I release these. Let’s see how that goes.

I also managed to step out for a walk after the day was done. I mean I had an option of not stepping out. But I did. And thank God, I did. I did some 8K steps. I plan to do 10K today. If I am getting locked into the house, I will ensure that I get my 10K steps for sure. Why? A, fresh air. B, the compulsive need to be not indoors.

Chalo, lemme talk of a pet peeve of mine. There are people that type flowers in their WA messages. I have at least three contacts that send flowers with every message they send. I have never understood their rationale or thinking. I mean I get it you want me to take away happy feelings and nice thoughts and a good aftertaste from our conversation. But does that merit a flower? In the conversation?

I also put a sticky note on front of the wall where I have placed my working desk. I know that if I want to be a digital nomad, these notes don’t help. Plus I anyway will move out from this house as soon as I get the next project that I can work on. But then, I like the idea of seeing things regularly and reinforcing things that I am working on. Knowing myself, I will have wall full of random notes stacked on top of each other soon. Let’s see.

I think this is about it. It was a real struggle to write this one. But I am glad I was able to. I am going to try my luck and see if Starbucks is open. Wait. I will not go. I will try and break the muscle memory and the patterns in my head. I will not go. I will rather get ready and come back at the desk and get going with work.

Over and out.

Oh, the streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 116
  • #aPicADay – 96
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 27
  • #noCoke – 27
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0 (Adding a new row. More on this in a few days)