Morning Pages Archives | Page 19 of 32

250421 – Morning Meditations

A longish conversation with self on things that I need to more of if I want to reach where I want to.

6:56. Woke up a few minutes ago. The minds blank. Lemme fill in some words and see the direction this narrative takes. Yesterday was a long long day. I did not get time to even see the watch till about 2. And no, I could not do the Surya Namaskars. Neither could I do meditation. No, I did not write on the Roshan story. I did manage 10K steps though. So that’s the only win I have.

The other thing that I have to log is that even though I have been eating clean for more than two weeks now (except that lone mousse that I eat every day, I have not eaten anything from outside), I feel bloated all the time. I think it’s all the soda that I drink. Need to stop for a week and see how I feel.

So that.

Mind’s still blank. Lemme pour more. A million things are open at my end. Both at work and at passion projects. And at things that are important for me. Funnily, I am not slacking. I am actually at it. I am not wasting my time with random content. I am not immersed in reading that much that I lose time. I am no longer active on Twitter. Neither am I just staring at the ceiling! I am just procrastinating on random things for no reason. I have never been this. I mean I say no if I don’t want to work on things but I don’t procrastinate. Plus, the time has never been this important. Each minute is accounted for. Plus there’s no travel anyway. So, I don’t know where the time’s going. I even tried tracking it on all the million sheets I maintain. I know that I did “time pass” but I don’t know where the other time’s going. Even this weekend came and went away in a blink!

I think these are the reasons.

a/ I am part of way too many meetings.
What this does is that I get the illusion of working but no real work happens. I don’t create anything. I don’t get my name out. I don’t build my brand. I don’t plant seeds. Which is ok for most people. But not for me. I have this need to be out there. I need to attract opportunities. I need to do a lot more. And a lot more will happen when I ship things.

So may be, Monday onward, I will reduce the meetings I am a part of. I will rely on emails wherever possible.

b/ I work on way too many things.
Which I have made peace with. What I don’t do and should do is, not switch tasks often. Look at this post for example. I started on this at 6:56. It’s 8:02. In this hour, I have worked on this post, tweaked the Wordpres theme on one of the passion projects that I want to work on, checked email, reviewed a client presentation, researched the meaning of Kun Faya Kun (the right way to refer to it is Kun Fayakun – if you are curious, read this), played a game of chess (I won!), thought about how I ought to create and not waste time, filled 5 liters of water in some 8 water bottles (reused bottles of soda, water, etc) around my house.

Even within this post, I have gone back and forth between various sections. Which I think is ok. That’s my style. Most other writers will probably start with a list of things they want to cover and then they would fill in those. I do the same for work related writing. This is a freeflow text. So that.

The point is, I shuttle between way too many things too many times. I need to engage in one thing at a time. I can’t stop multitasking. The tweak I can add is the one around serialtasking (#note2self – must write an SoG on serialtasking). In its purest form, Cal Newport calls this Deep Work.

c/ I am not a doer per se. I am more of a manager.
I need people to do things for me. Most work I get paid for, I am an individual contributor. Most passion projects, I am the sole worker. I do have someone that helps me but I need to find a replacement. I am unable to do so.

I know that I can think of a million things but I need others to do those. In a typical corporate structure, this is possible. Easy to find resources that help you. Easy to delegate. Easy to take feedback and inputs. In the structure I run (everyone owns, runs, manages things), it is difficult. Different people have different levels of motivation. They have different outlooks on life than I. They need more security. They need more structure. I am ok with ambiguity. I like the idea of chasing the unknown. I like taking things from 0 to 1 (thinking of possibilities etc). I need people that can take things from 1 to 100.

So that.

So action points are…

Find a great team. Now that I can pay a bit. The challenge would be to compete with the insane amount of money that these new-age startups are throwing at young people.
Stop attending meetings. Start using that time to do things. Implement maker-manager.
Stop switching. In one line, stop multitasking. Lol.

The next thing I need to think about is my website. I need to create content that attracts the right kind of people and opportunities. What are these? Here we go…

It’s clear to me that I cant do one thing. I will always be on hundred projects at the same time. If I were to draw a structure, I think a pyramid would look like this…

Top – Enable others, make them successful and participate in the wealth they create.
Layer 1 – These people, these others must come from three disciplines that I want to create impact at – startups, films, education. I have made progress with films. And in some way with startups. I will get onto education at some point in time in life.
Next layer – Get better at these disciplines by talking to more people, attracting more opportunities, doing more, showing the proof of work, delivering impact, becoming an “expert” etc.
Next layer – As an individual, do things I like – writing, photography, talking to people, travel, clean my desk, drink water etc etc. With people I like – strangers, friends, coworkers, family.
The base layer – Become atamnirbhar. AKA financially independent fast. By making money from things like brand consulting, marketing, content, events, etc.

I guess that sums my approach to life well. Sounds very similar to Elon’s masterplan. Wait. Even I wrote a masterplan a few years ago when I was starting C4E.

Lemme reproduce those slides here…

Wrote this sometime in 2016 or 2017. The idea was to create money, use that money to create more people that make more money. And use that money to scale things further. Till I reach a billion people.

And, in terms of tangible actions, I wanted to do the following…

This is how I would expand into other things.

Lemme know if you want access to the entire deck.

Needless to say, I am far far away from these. I did make early moves but I have proven to be a disappointment to myself. But, the thing is, I have not given up on myself. I will never do so.

Wait. I was talking about my website. How did I land on to this self-pity piece?

The point is, I need to work on my website that gets me connected to more opportunities.

Ok. Next?

Nothing is next. It’s 8:45 and I need to get going with the day. Before that, must log that these days, Kun Faya Kun is my default music for each morning as I wake up. This version. And when I sleep. At that time, I listen to this version. I also must log that I hate this block-structure that WordPress has. It’s not friendly for writers at all. To developers, it may be.

With that, over and out.

Here’s the streaks. Also logged here.

Morning Pages / Meditations – 133
#aPicADay – 114
10K steps a day – 1. Did 11K.
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 46
#noCoke – 46
10 mins of meditation – 0. Did not do yesterday and broke a 10-day streak.
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0

And no, nothing on Roshan today either. Dal Roti comes first.

240421 – Meditations

Dump of things clouding my head. I talk about shopping, my inability to be of help during the pandemic and some work shite.

8:00 AM.
I woke up 10 minutes ago. Blame it on the fact that I was up till about 3 last night. Working. What else will be I doing at that hour on a Friday? To be honest, this week was bad. I slacked badly. I did not walk as much. I ate so much crap that it’s not funny. I spent way too much time watching restoration videos on Youtube. That’s the new thing that I am hooked onto. Imagine people breaking things apart and then cleaning, fixing those, and making a video about that experience. Wow. Apparently, there are millions of people who like seeing such things. I am not alone!

Anyhow.

Today is an important day. We have the third edition of Spotlight, a meetup between young founders and experienced ones. The idea is to create a 1-v-1 forum where answers are sought and given. This is one of the largest impact pillars of my work at Podium. I want to scale it to a point that anyone wanting answers to their start-up or funding questions, we should be their first port of call.

We are yet to reach any sort of scale with it but let’s see when we do. Right now, each edition is a stepping stone. Each edition is a learning opportunity.

I hope I can scale it well to a point that it becomes an impactful forum.

No, this is not different from millions of such forums out there and is a me-too idea. But then each me-too idea has the potential to reach people that others have not. The intent is any way to not make money with this, it will happen if I continue to work on the right thing in the right manner.

In the routine boring things of the day section, today is grocery shopping day. This means a visit to the local Star Bazar. Thing is, I am trying to eat clean (not that it has shown any impact on my belly so far). This further means that I need to stock up on supplies. Plus, I secretly enjoy supermarkets. I like to see what is available. I like to see what people like to buy. I like to think of all the fancy things that sort of tempt people with packaging and communication. I think if you want to feed your curiosity, a large set of inputs will come from these places!

I just hope its not crowded. You know, Saturday and all.

In the baring the soul and admitting defeat section, I must report that I have successfully shut out all conversations about the pandemic and the suffering it is bringing about. I know I am being insensitive about it. But at this time, I really want to maintain my sanity and ensure that I don’t go down a spiral. I can’t afford to lose whatever little I have.

I know I could help by augmenting requests for help. I know I can volunteer my time. I know I can donate some money. I can divert all the money from SoG Grant for fighting the pandemic. But the challenge remains, I don’t know who to give this money to. May be to Daku and his team. I know that he will do a good job with it.

Let’s see. If I do use the grant for this, while the purpose of Grant would not be met (help creative people seek an outlet), it would probably serve as a tiny drop in the ocean in the fight against the pandemic.

I am unable to decide what to support. While I know the pandemic needs the money, I also know that artists need it more than anything else – they are the ones that are most affected by it. They are the ones that are most sensitive and thus lose their direction. Lemme think over the weekend.

Coming back to admitting defeat. I think I am running away from responsibility as a human. I ought to help but I am done with seeing all the suffering. I can no longer prevent it from affecting me. There are so many close people that are affected. I am unable to even give them a shoulder. I think I am a great peace-time friend. When it’s war, I think I suck.

Really.

Ok. Deep breath.

In the sleepwalking through life section, I don’t have much to report apart from the fact that my to-do list seems to be growing faster than my belly, which in turn is growing faster than you can spell FAST. I think I am involved in way too many calls and that leaves me with very little time to actually do things. I need to find a way to reduce these calls and block more time for actual work. I will try to implement this from the coming week. Let’s see how it goes.

I think this is about it for the day. In the streaks section, here’s how I am doing.

Morning Pages / Meditations – 132
#aPicADay – 113
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 45
#noCoke – 45
10 mins of meditation – 10
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 1
Surya Namaskar – 1

No, not working on Roshan’s story today. Have other things to work on.

Hope you have a good day.

230421 – Meditations

Reflection on how I spent yesterday and a harsh note to self about how not to live. Did not go deeper to discover the reason for lethargy.

6 AM
Been up for a while. Feel ok.

What a day was yesterday. Fuck. Can’t imagine having more days like that. I literally slept through it.
And whatever part I did not sleep, I got thru it like a zombie.
I did not step out of the house. A rare occasion.
I ordered a million things. A thing that I had stopped over the last few days.
I would’ve eaten like a pig that’s come out of famine.
I did not go for a walk.
I did not do Surya Namaskar.
I did not write on the Roshan story.

However, I somehow managed 15 minutes of meditation. And I did publish the day’s #aPicADay. I did call home but I would have spoken to my parents for not more than 300 seconds.

Thankfully I did not succumb to temptation and did not order coke or coffee. Though I did eat a bg tub of chocolate mousse. I think that’s my guilty pleasure. As long as I have that in moderation.

Fuck.
It sucked.
Like a day taken away from the limited time, we have here on Mother Earth!

It’s a crime that I did that I need to be a lot more responsible with my time.

On one side, I may claim that it’s ok to take breaks. Apparently, even God rested on the 7th day. But then, the earth does not stop spinning on the 7th day. The sun does not stop fusing into Helium (I hope I am right) and radiating energy. We don’t stop breathing on the 24th hour. The chakra of life does not stop spinning! Who are we to then stop and break our routines?

While it is good and easy to acknowledge that I slacked yesterday, at some point in time, I need to meditate on the reasons. So that I can fix those.

One reason I can think immediately is that I overslept. I know that I am as fresh as a daisy even with 6 hours of sleep. I know, science says we need 8 hours. I want to go there. I may work my way to that. But right now, I am good with 6. The days I sleep more than 6, I get fucked. so may be, yesterday was brought about that.

Two, it could be all the news around me. Friends falling sick of COVID, friends, and families of people I care for suffering from COVID, people dying from it, general apathy of policymakers with it. I think this is the first time I have seen this large humanitarian crisis (please don’t get started on how living in India in itself a humanitarian challenge. May be that’s affecting me at the subconscious level? May be I may claim that I am indifferent to the suffering but I get deeply affected? May be it’s my inability to help people and matters right now that is making me suffer? Fuck helping others, I know that if I were to need Oxygen or those meds for my family, I would have a hard time arranging for those. It plain sucks to be alive right now.

Of course, I am lucky to be ok but I think it’s a matter of time.

Anyhow. The point is to not wail into the misery. The point is to reflect on the reasons for the off day.

Three. May be my system merely wanted a break from the strenuous routine that I live? You know, where each minute is accounted for?

Routines. Ah, the love of my life. lemme talk about that.

For someone that chases freedom and independence of time, I love routines a lot. I think it is the routines that get simple people to do great things. Like I have been walking up 8 floors every day for the last three days. The first day was tough af. The third was a little easy. I could’ve gone another flight. If I did this every day, someday I can walk up 24. And then someday, the Everest. No, I haven’t forgotten that. But the moment you break routine, you are back to square one. I know that today I will have a tough time walking up.

Most great people, when asked about their process and work, “blamed” the boring routines they had when it came to work. They would live exciting lives otherwise but when it comes to work, the things that they are known for, the work they do, would have been produced in the most boring, mundane, routine things.

Wait. I am thinking. Should I do a series of posts on how some of the greatest writers write? Now that I am ok being on video, this could be a great time to do so! Kya kya karega Garg? Marketing Podcast? Investor’s Podcast? Writer’s techniques. Lol. Guess, “I am not much of a petty thief!” Let’s see. Let me make a list of questions and see where it goes. #note2self

Anyhow.
Moving on.
Here’s the streaks for the day.

Morning Pages / Meditations – 131
#aPicADay – 112
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 44
#noCoke – 44
10 mins of meditation – 9
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 0
Surya Namaskar – 0

Lol. Most things are zero. What’s the point of tracking these?

Anyhow, onto Roshan’s story.

Day 8

I am still at a point where I don’t know the central conflict in his life. What is his nemesis? What makes him leave his bed every morning (even though he is deteriorating) and take a stand? What is the cause that he wants to chase? In #tnks, I was clear that the main character was chasing revenge. The others were trying to protect Nidhi and her family. I can’t make this about a treasure and its hunt. Book2 is all about that. I can’t make this about the family’s heritage that he may want to preserve – the setup will become complex.

Lemme launch into free text for about 30 minutes and see where I reach. Its 8:03. Here we go.

[START]

The thing with a small place is that everyone knows everyone else. If you don’t know things first-hand, you will hear it soon enough. You may still be able to hide things trifle like life or death, bankruptcy, misfortunes et al. But you can not hide things like love affairs, a familial argument, revolts in the family, and other such things that take more significance at these small towns where things literally are stuck in time. The older men still gather under the banyan tree. The younger women still find time to share notes when they gathered around the temple. Temple was probably an excuse to leave their homes to escape their monotonous lives that circled between sleep, kitchen, chores, sleep.

At the temple, while the Pujari and everyone was there, it was Pritha that was the chieftain of these women seeking a break. At these breaks, they engaged in idle banter and gossip as they did non-essential chores for the temple. This hour that they got for themselves after lunch was like a maha-sabha of the women of the town. Even a few non-Hindu women attended these. And despite their status or rank, everyone was welcome. It is at this temple and under the patronage of Pritha that the daughter of a sweeper could sit next to the wife of the Pujari and share water and snacks from the same banana leaf.

These meeting of the women was the only anomaly in the town of Indapur where people were still seated in tradition even though they were in the 21st century. The traditions from the yesteryears were still enforced, respected, and revered. To a point that it was not uncommon for the Panchayat to bar a family or two often from the town. There was no way you could go against the Panchayat that consisted of a representative of the seven families that Shivaji himself blessed. To represent the pandits, there was the Pujari. Shlok Chavan was a descendent of the fighters in Shivaji’s camp. Pritha took on the seat after her husband died and she represented the munims, the accountants for Shivji’s empire. The voice of the lower castes was with Sharat, whose family has been in the service of the Maratha warrior even before they came to Indapur. So, even though they should ideally not be on this august panel, he was the most vocal. To make things worse, he accepted and agreed and decreed that the caste system be preserved.

Of course, there was a local MLA, the police, and the government apparatus. But at Indapur they held no power apart from giving inconvenience to their official powers to reaffirm whatever the council decided. There were talks that Sharat stand in the elections next time around so that they did not need these pen for hire. But then the system was convenient. They could pass on diktats with as much ease.

As the only woman on the council, Pritha was as important. While the other men would secretly sneer at her decisions, none of them had the balls to be open about it.

[END]

Let’s see where we reach. Some ideas…

1/ Can I make this a communal story? Two people from two different communities fall in love. This love wedges a crack in the entire town. To a point that there are murders and all. May be Roshan could be a saviour? Before he died, he wants to see his town safe and the couple married? Not sure. Too many violent, angry love stories have been told already!

2/ Can the rift be between son and mother? Mother wants traditional upheld. Son wants the lovers to succeed. On one side, they have the grief to get over. And on the other, they have this egoistical battle?

So that.
Over for the day.
Work beckons.
See you guys tomorrow.

220421 – Morning Pages

An incoherent report on how I spent the last two hours.

6:50.
Been up for a bit. Feel tired and energy less for some reason. I don’t know why. Sleep? Well, I slept well. I ever had some dreams (a great indicator if you got restful sleep). Was a long day yesterday. From like 10 till about 8, was on the computer and on calls. Damn all these calls are exhausting.

Heads to tired and brain so fried that I dont have a lot to talk about. I will come back to the post in a bit.

7:07
Shuffled around the house. Filled all those thousand water bottles that I drink water from throughout the day. Cleaned the kitchen (which doesn’t really need cleaning – afterall I dont cook at home, though since I got this home-cooked dabba, I do see merit in having a kitchen at home).

Dont know what to write. How to write. Etc.

7:18
Saw this documentary. On 1.5x speed. Not the best documentaries. More like marketing material for the book. Truth be told, I have had this book on my bookshelf for years and I am yet to read it in its entirety. Maybe this listlessness that am feeling is a calling to read the book and implement some of the lessons.

Let’s see.

7:29.
Saw this. Better than the last one. I like a couple of lines from therein. One of them goes something like, temptations were created, were given to you, to make you stronger. If you fight with a stronger opponent, you grow in strength. If you fight with a temptation, you grow stronger as a person. If you can fight the bodily pleasures that guide actions, you can become better.

Do see the video.

Maybe I need to grow as a stronger person. May be this is what I need? I have been a hedonistic, pleasure-seeker for a large part of my life. From Diet Coke to AC to Food to Comfortable beds to Bodily pleasures. From ego to validation to envy and more. I am entrapped. Of course, lately, I have stopped succumbing to these and I exercise a lot of restraint but I can see patterns where I have picked the phone first thing in the morning (like I did today) and have stayed up to chat up with random strangers (like yesterday) and eaten so much that my gut would burst (a few days ago) and a la Fight Club, spend money that I don’t have to buy things I don’t need to impress people I don’t like (all the time; I even got a new credit card yesterday!).

So may be I need to get out of these. May be Yogananda is the answer. No, I don’t believe in God. I am borderline spiritual though. Damn this mind!

8:14
Down the youtube rabbit hole. Ending up seeing a hundred videos about Kriya Yoga. Damn ~~we humans are~~ I am great at sinking time into pointless pursuits!

Ok enough. Lemme get on with the day. I have a lot of things on my hands, heads, and to-do lists. Oh, I must say that I am dying to gobble up some Coke. Miss it terribly. I am dying to get it! I know I would enjoy the first can. And once I get the first can, I would get addicted to it like crazy. Bummer.

I think this is about it from today. Before I go, here’s the streaks…

Morning Pages / Meditations – 130
#aPicADay – 111
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 43
#noCoke – 43
10 mins of meditation – 8
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 7
Surya Namaskar – 3

No, no original work today. At least not yet. Let me see if I can find time during the day.

210421 – Meditations

A confession that I am experiencing what Adam Grant calls “dulling of delight or the dwindling of drive”

6:30 AM.
Been up for quite some time. Was pottering around.

I now wake up at 6 without an alarm. Even if I sleep at 1ish like the case was yesterday. Of all the days recently that I have felt listless, lonely, confused, scared, yesterday was probably the toughest. I just couldn’t find the peace to sleep. I am not the kind to get fazed by things happening around me but yesterday was bad. I don’t know what triggered me. And yes, I walked 10K steps. I climbed 8 flights. I did 10 Surya Namaskars in the morning. On each leg. I ate clean. No snacks. No Diet Coke. I don’t consume drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Oh, I did eat a lo-carb chocolate mousse that I am sure uses some alternative to Sugar. And yet I was in this weird zone where nothing seemed to make sense. For a change, I was left questioning the meaning of life. No, I did not find the meaning. Or the answer to the misery shrouding us right now.

I don’t recall a lot of things that I thought about. I think it’s like a bad dream that I want to forget. What I do remember is that I couldn’t sleep. In fact, sleep has been my superpower. Even when I’ve faced my biggest challenges, I’ve slept peacefully. I mean, I am a light sleeper and I sleep fitfully but I am rested more or less. Yesterday I couldn’t get sleep. No, the phone was away. It was not even charged. It was a dark room. Reasonably cold (as much as a tired AC can make the room cold). And yet I could not sleep.

But then I did drift at some point. It was past 1 for sure cos I remember a friend wanted help and it was some 12:30 or something. It was 12:50. I had called her before battery died. I just checked.

So yeah. That.

Apart from that, it was a regular day with a million calls and a billion emails and all that. But the night, last night was tough. I need to find a way out. I don’t know what could help. I read this recent piece by Adam Grant. He puts a word to my (and other’s) misery. Languishing.

I am experiencing, what he says, “dulling of delight or the dwindling of drive” and a possible antidote could be a project that stretches my boundaries and gets me in the flow frequently, and gives me a sense of progress.

Now, the job at hand is to identify that! Let’s see. Will report in the next few days. Some options could be…

Killer Boogie ;P
Code – build an app from scratch? I used to be good at code and I would often get in the flow when I did that.
Write (I consider writing regular work and thus I don’t want to put a separate tag to it).
Fitness. It’s been my anathema. I have had some start at it with a two-day streak of Surya Namaskars. Today would be third.

If you know me, do tell me what you think I could pick

Before I end this piece, I am thinking if I am finding it tough to continue, what about other people that are not as indifferent as I am about life and misery and fuckeries? Must help them in some way. #note2self

So that. Here’s the streaks.

Morning Pages / Meditations – 129
#aPicADay – 110
10K steps a day – 1!
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 42
#noCoke – 42
10 mins of meditation – 7
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 6
Surya Namaskar – 2 (added today. Will track from now on)

This tracker now has 11 things on it. At this rate, I would track more than I would do! Lol!

Fuck, getting the mojo back.
Is it writing?
Is it the hope of a better life?
Or is it this video from the film Dangal that I saw to start the day?
See here…

Chalo, onto original work.

Day 7.

Yesterday, I added a few characters. I tried to find the conflict in Roshan’s life. I added a reluctafcnt love internest. Outside of this page, while walking, I saw a refresher on Hero’s Journey. I felt that my story has nothing so far. Which is true.

So, to push things forward, I think I will think/write about the plot in general. You know, freewriting. It’s 7:32. I will write till 8:15 or so. Need to be working from 9 onward and need 45 mins for yoga, potty, shower, etc.

Here we go.

[START]

So Roshan’s normal world is that of a happy-go-lucky, cheerful guy. The film could open on his hosting an event – he’s after all an MC and stand-up as well. I am thinking of Parijat as I create Roshan (the only stand-up I know). The opening scene must make Roshan likable. Right from the start. So when he gets to know that he has 14 days to live, the audience must gasp as well. Need to establish his charm, his mastery over this world. And then showcase the normal life.

The call to adventure could the death sentence. No, wait. That is not the adventure. That’s a crisis that he’s going to face while he works on the adventure. So, I need a part that’s his adventure. Could be a property dispute with his cousins. Could be COVID. Could be Cholera. Could be someone wanting to attack his family’s name. I need to work on this for sure. I don’t have this!

His moral dilemma about his limited time and all that he could do (ensure that his mother is safe and happy after he is gone, put his affairs in order etc) has to take the back seat. This would provide the conflict and will make his choose one over other eventually. This is what would probably divide the audience.

Refusal and the mentor could be the doctor. In fact the adventure could be something that relies on the expertise of a doctor. The mentor could be the mother as well.

The threshold is crossed when he embraces that he is at the point of no return. He is anyway going to die in 14 days. But while he is alive (and fading in faculty – he can’t just pop-off), he has to accept his mortality and jump onto the other side and become the savior. Of course, he has to fail to a point that he realizes that he needs the help of a mentor or something to battle it out.

Team, tests, etc. are simple. Need to develop sidekicks that assist him on the task. And things that stop him from reaching the place with the magic potion.

Innermost cave / apotheosis. This is where he seems to have lost everything in the battle. As a result of his own actions. This is when he would accept that he may die before he resolves the issue at hand. He should almost die. His medical condition must make it impossible for him to continue. But he will prevail.

Wait. I am only listing the steps of the Hero’s Journey. I am not adding anything to the story or pushing it.

Boon. This is where he would get the weapon needed to slay his monsters and

Not sure if I am well-read enough about the refusal to return but once he has mastered t his world, his “refusal” could be the want to live in the new world that he has created. The refusal to die. The grief that he had overcome when he set on this mission. Because he knew he was going to die. Now, he may want to live. Which is literally impossible. By this time, we should be on the 12th day or something.

Master of two worlds. This is when he eventually dies. People celebrate his death. Stories are written about the sacrifice he’s had to make along the way. Becomes a role model. This could be the thing that he wanted to become when he was alive but he gets his after his life. In the beginning, I can add a part where he declares to his mother that one day the entire world would thank him for what he’s done. His entire world is all of Indapur. Like Mohan’s world was limited to Charanpur. Roshan’s actions have to impact Indapur irreversibly. That is what he would be remembered for. In the story. And outside.

So that.

Ok, now I know the gaps (the central conflict, the personal conflict and more).

[END] [NOTES / THOUGHTS]

I am thinking, if the mother accepts Roshan’s terminal state, it would be too easy for Roshan. I must make it difficult for Roshan to communicate this to his mother. He will prepare her for his death but it has to be gradual. This is where he would need allies. May be Diksha gets to know by accident and Roshan leans on her to get the message across to the mother.
The death sentence is the ticking timebomb.
Can he become a killer or something of the characters in the village that are a pain in the ass? You know, imagine Sholay but only with Jai and Veeru about to die. They know they are gonna be dead. They are fearless. This taking of law in the hand could split the audience.
There could be a mystery that all these problematic people in the village are dying. And they pin the blame on Roshan. And they can’t find evidence. And Roshan is not the one who’s doing it! He in fact is told that if he doesn’t find who’s the one murdering, his mother would get killed. Sounds interesting.
I still need a backdrop. Draught? Drugs? Crime? Dispute? Religion? What else could he want to fix? What else may need fixing?

***

#notetoself – Continuing point 3 from above, if I know that I would die in 14 days, I get fearless and do things that I thought were impossible. I know that I would be dead in about 40 years (I hope I have longer!) and yet I am scared of a lot of things! Need to change this. This is exactly what Steve Jobs said!

So yeah.
That’s it for the day.
Need to find the flow thing.
Over and out.

200421 – Meditations

Quick post on how things are with me in probably the toughest times we’ve seen as a race. And an attempt at pushing the story forward.

6:04. I just woke up. A minute ago. Without an alarm. The room was too hot. The AC conked off. And so did the phone. Or maybe it’s the charging cable. I will get to know by the time I end this post. I am trying to charge it with another wireless charger I have. Ok, the cable is the problem.

It’s funny how mundane like is, on a day-to-day basis. You plan for grand things, the ones that can change the world and you struggle with basics like devices, tools, etc give you a hard time. Life has its ways.

It was a terribly busy day yesterday. Way too many meetings and calls. To a point that I ate while I was on a call. I had to pee and I had to put 11 people on hold to do that. Which is ok. I don’t mind this at all. I like the idea of spending my time on things other than mindless consumption of all the content floating around on the internet.

But the good part is that I managed about 9000 steps towards the end of the day. I went a million times around the cramped space around my building. Thanks to the calls that allowed me to not get bored. I think I will schedule all the calls that I can control at that time so that I can walk and not get bored.

So, what happened yesterday? And what do I want to log-in here?

This
More and more people are moving to Goa. This means they are finding better internet and phone connectivity. And thus the Goa post needs to be updated. Done.
A very very good friend was found positive. This is one of those people I care for. Damn. Hope he recovers fast.
I’ve decided to stay away from any negative news of any kind. Even if it’s supposed to be funny. Including jokes, WhatsApp, tweets, and others that have been going around. I am not even hanging out on Instagram anymore. There’s way too much negativity masked as comments and critiques. If I endorse something, they would add to your life and not take things away. I had to log in about the friend (point 3) but that’s that. I don’t plan to delve any further into it. Need to practice equanimity. You know, this too shall pass.
Believe it or not. I did 8 rounds of Surya Namaskar yesterday. I followed this video. I was dead by the 4th. Wanted to quit by the 6th. But persisted. I plan to do 8 more today. At least. I will see if I can push myself to do 10. The lofty goal is to be able to do 100. I don’t know how I would get the time out but let’s see.
Last two days, I’ve been using Headspace on a computer (and not on a phone). This again is better. Cos I switch off phone when I do and thus there are no distractions.

Plan for the day?
Lol. Calls. What else.

Here’s the streaks…

Morning Pages / Meditations – 128
#aPicADay – 109 the quality of photos is going down everything. There’s nothing to click in the tiny place I have access to 🙁
10K steps a day –0.
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 41
#noCoke – 41
10 mins of meditation – 6
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 5

On to the original work. Day 6.
Yesterday I was at a point where Roshan has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and he will be dead in 14 days. He tells his mother about it. I did not write it entirely. But I did manage a part of the conversation. I had identified a few questions and pointers. I needed to find out other characters. I need a larger battle as the backdrop. And I need to generally find out what would Roshan do once he knows that he was going to die in 14 days.

Lemme introduce Roshan’s love interest.

[START]

Diksha’s family was as old as Roshan’s was. And had the same lineage. Her’s was the lineage of teachers and had the distinction of teaching even Shivaji for a brief period. She had continued to the tradition and now ran the only private school in Indapur. Like Roshan’s, she also had numerous cousins in the town and most of them were teachers at various schools, including some at her school.

Like any two old families in a tiny town, the two families knew of each other. Many people had married within each other. The relationships were more or less cordial. However, there was no way Diksha and Roshan would cross paths. They had contrasting worlds and world views. Diksha was a lot more serious and had no serious ambitions. As long as her students were happy, she was ok. Roshan on the other hand planned to move beyond to at least Mumbai in search of his dreams. The challenge was, he did not have a dream. Yet. He remained in search of opportunities.

The only time they spot meet each other during the day would be when Roshan would walk back from the temple with his mother. It was around the same time Diksha would finish her work and on the way back stop at the temple for a bit. She did she Roshan as an obedient, respectful person that took extra care of his mother. And that was that. Beyond that, she had no interest in his physique or the flurry of jokes that he seems to have handy all the time.

Neither was Roshan interested in Diksha. She was, what they call, a simpleton. A woman next door with nothing special to write home about. Probably boring as well. Plus Roshan had seen her grow alongside. The large families would meet often on various occasions and since they were both from the only two illustrious ones, they always had special status reserved for them. Most times, these interactions would happen at their respective homes. They weren’t anything like the glorious ones of the past, with each successive generation, the patch of land that they could lay claim to would get smaller and smaller. Most times these splits would be amicable. At such places, pragmatism took over the need to argue.

Except when Roshan’s family got dealt an unfair hand. Roshan’s father was the younger son and thus when the split had to be done, he was left out with parcels of land that none of his elder brothers wanted. He was content with what he was handed over. Pritha had a large part in Kishore’s decision to take what was given to him. They were happy that they got a house to live in, a gala next to the temple where his Kishore could start a business, and a barren patch further beyond the town. This is where Roshan would go on to establish his akhada.

This was clearly unfair as this was not even 5% of the total fortune that Roshan’s family should’ve inherited. If not for Diksha’s grandfather, Kishore wouldn’t have got even this much. His elder brother, Dinesh believed that as the younger brother, Kishore had no claim over any inheritance and must live on the alms. If not for the sense pounded in to his head, he would have probably got his henchmen to do the same. In fact, even now Roshan and Darpan, the two cousins would often spar.

Now Darpan was unlike his father. He believed that whatever his father gave away to Roshan’s family, he still had the rightful claim over that. But then he was a reasonable man. To a point that when the elders started talking about getting him and Diksha married, the pragmatic Diskha had no opposition to the match.

[END] [NOTES]

Nah. Did not flow. I couldn’t think of a lot. Need to do better. Experienced deja vu while writing this! Woah! After a long time!

Also, need to think on the following…

How to make Roshan likable?
Can I reveal Roshan’s actions at the very end of the film? You know, he did all these because he was terminal? Similar to Sweet November.
This Diksha – Roshan escapade is not happening. Seems forced. May be it’s Diksha’s pain that Roshan is trying to solve? May be Diksha knows that Roshan is terminal and is empathetic? May be she’s a doctor herself? May be she doesn’t know that he was going to die?

I just realised that I think FAR better when I am writing. Or when I am talking to others. #epiphany

Over and out!
See you guys tomorrow.

190421 – Meditations

Yet another rant. Damn this COVID crisis. It’s making me dystopian and think of dark things only. Read at peril.

6:19. Woke a while ago. Did not feel like sitting on the computer. This was new. Too much in my head. Decided to take matters of my health in my hand, despite the COVID scare and hernia that seems to be back in full force. I will start with OMAD today. Plan to get onto the Yoga bandwagon all over again. Let’s see if I can manage these things.

There are quite a few other things that I need to think about – more on those on the echochamber. Quick bullets…

1/ Need to find a better house pronto. My 6-month lock-in expires in May. I am less than 2 weeks away from that. I will give the notice and get going. Even if I have to be homeless and sleep on the floors of friends’ houses, I will. But then with the lockdown, homelessness may not be a good idea. Will think and decide on this. Or I will get a grand fancy house with all the bells and whistles. Lol. Wishful thinking.

2/ Need to stop trying too hard with relationships. The ones that would want to stay, will stay. The ones that will want to move on, will eventually move on, even if I tried hard. So, need to stop chasing.

3/ Need to streamline work. Way too many tiny things are taking too much time. You know, Pareto. But I must say, I am glad that I have work in this day and age.

4/ Need to stop whiling time on social media. I do want to develop a personal brand that attracts opportunities. But the unintended side-effect of that is that the perfect lives of others is leaving me with incredible FOMO. To a point that it is digressing me from my ambitions of impacting the world and inspiring others and all that.

5/ Need to get my sanity back. COVID is wreaking havoc all around me. To a point that family and close friends are suffering. These are the people that I actually care about. The ones that I want to keep close. The ones that I exist for.

Of course, my EQ and pain-avoidance behavior is making it impossible for me to handle the crisis. I am unable to carry conversations that heal them. In a first, I am unable to even be that man behind the scenes that would make things happen. It is not helping how I live.

Every time I open WhatsApp (which I have to, all day long – most of the work happens there), I am saddened. Either someone close is suffering. Or someone closer needs a shoulder that I am unable to give. I am not programmed for it. I can try and change but what if it’s at the cost of my own survival? I think more than their suffering, what saddles me is the guilt about my inability to help. I am not sure how to reconcile with it. The escapist in me wants to get away from all this. To a far away land where I don’t get to hear about any of these things. But then poor people like me can’t. Lol. Poor. This is being typed on an expensive laptop from an expensive place to live! It just plain sucks. See the conundrum that I am in?

Anyhow. Every time I open the Internet, I see the suffering of the world at large. I see the apathy of policymakers, government, politicians, and people in general. It fucks the head even more. I’ve never seen this much helplessness and this much lack of avenues to seek help.

6/ As my escape mechanism, in the past, I have had significant others to lean on. Now, I find myself alone. While I was thinking about the words to write this, a picture popped into my head. Imagine Mahabharata. The battle is raging at its most ferocity. You are one of those lucky soldiers that is yet to be injured.

You take a walk on the battlefield in the evening. You see dead bodies of people you’ve known all your life strewn around you. They had it easy. They died. Then you see others that have been decapitated and left there to die. They are no use in the battle after all. They cry to you for help. You decide to help one of those. But if you helped one person, you’d lose a portion of your blood. So, to be of help to others, you need to sort of slash yourself and bleed. At this rate, before that walk is done, you’d probably die yourself.

Which is ok. Death is an inevitability.

What is tough is for him to explain this to ones that he sees suffering on the battlefield and has decided to not extend help. The one dying on the battlefield cant comprehend this behaviour. Of course, he wont. At this time, he would see his pain more. And he cant see any apparant scars on you. He sees you as a brother, a cousin, a friend, someone that he’s spent all his life with. He thinks if you were the one on the field dying, he would have given his life to help you. And here you are. Walking over them nonchalantly.

Ok, too dark. Too much honesty. Moving on.

7/ I will reduce my screen-time drastically from today on. I will also reduce the number of phone pickups. Only when it’s required. Today, while writing this, I have been on this page for about an hour and I haven’t touched my phone. I intend that to be the case. I will ignore every notification unless it’s a phone call from someone. That too shall be answered only if I am not engaged in any other thing at the time.

So that. Wow. A lot. I am sure more. But these are the ones at the top of my head. More on these on days when I have more time to write.

Here’s streaks…

Morning Pages / Meditations – 127
#aPicADay – 108
10K steps a day –0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 40
#noCoke – 40
10 mins of meditation – 5
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 4

Day 5

Onto, original writing and thinking.

Here’s me trying to crack the story for NFDC’s competition. Yesterday I finally stumbled onto a plot that I seem to like. Though I am not sure if it’s compelling or unique or whatever but it is still worth exploring. Since it is getting at an interesting juncture, I have made a copy here where I will compile more notes / thoughts / structure, etc.

Here we go with today’s text.

[START]

Once Roshan knew he had 2 weeks, he went through the set of predictable emotions. From denial (The doctor is wrong. They may have made a mistake. I must take a second opinion.) to anger (How could this happen to me?) to bargaining (Damn this is happening. How do I escape? Can I goto some Pandit that may make this go away like a bad dream?) to depression (sadness about leaving this wondering life behind. Especially his mother who’d be left alone in his absence. And Chandani, the love of his life) to finally acceptance (Now that this is happening, what do I do to put my affairs in order?).

Unlike most that take months to go through these stages, Roshan was surprisingly calm. It was at the doctor’s clinic itself that he accepted and decided to take fate in his hands and fix things. Some things would be easy. Most of them would be hard. The toughest would be to talk to his mother. He was the world for her. The easiest for him was to dispose of the gym.

It had to start with his mother. Luckily, Pritha, her mother was like him. Or, he was like her mother. He remembered that when his father passed away, his mom was as calm as a secluded lake on a full-moon night. No amount of cajoling could make her shed even a single drop of tear. People around them gossiped for months about this indifference of his mother.

He just needed to find a way to tell her. In his limited world view, if he confronted the problem head on, it would probably make life simpler. Well, life.

Anyhow. He decided to bring up his father’s demise as an excuse to ease her into the state of pain.

He went to the temple where his mother volunteered and literally spent all her time. She was probably more attached to the temple than she was to anything else. People do need something to latch onto. If not a God, then an idea, a hope of something in the distant future, something grand.

Pritha was sitting cross-legged on the marble floor and rubbing cotton into wicks that they would use in the diyas.

“Maa, remember when father passed away, you did not shed a single tear. How did you do that?”

“Huh?” She responded.

“Arey, I am asking how did you come to terms with the fact that Pa was gone?”

“What’s wrong with you? What’s this?”

“I just want to know that if I die tomorrow, would you cry? That’s it”

“Mare tere dushman. You are all of 27. Dont say such things. Not in the temple. Bhagwan ne teri sun li to?”

“Maan lo sun li. If I told you I will die in 2 weeks, what would you do?”

She laughed. “I will do exactly what I am doing right now. Wake up before the world does. Come to the temple. Stay here till it’s dark. And then walk back home and sleep.”

“You wouldn’t miss me?”

“Well, I will miss walking back home with you.” The mother and the son had a routine. Each day, irrespective of where Roshan was, he would ensure that he would walk back home with his mother. It was hardly a 5-minute walk but this tradition was passed down by his father and had stayed. Earlier, the father had a tiny trading shop next to the temple. So that made logistical sense. However Roshan’s akhada was a little further away, next to the state highway 71 that connected Indapur to Pune. Even with the distance, Roshan had maintained the routine.

That’s how relationships ought to be. No grand gestures, flourishes, etc. A routine that may sound boring to the world is what you need to establish if you want your relationships to go deeper. These mundane routines are what define you and your loved ones and your relationships. These predictable patterns are remembered long after you are gone.

Roshan knew he would miss this when he was gone. But how could he miss things when he wouldn’t have any consciousness? He was not sure of Pritha. She seems to have accepted her husband’s untimely death in a jiffy. She was back to the temple the very next day. the pujari and other women opposed the decision vehemently but you could not stand up to Pritha. She spoke with reason and was respected for all she’s done for the temple over the years. She even dismantled her husband’s shop and donated the same to the temple, to be used as a godown. They did not mind. Even the Gods don’t mind hoarding onto additional assets!

[END] [NOTES]

Here are some notes that popped up in my head, as I was thinking about it.

Need a metaphor to showcase the emotions that he goes through. Its a film and I cant take more than 5 minutes to get over those.
I am not sure where to take this. Here are some directions that this can go in…
1. There is some calamity in the town and he dedicates the rest of his days fixing that. You know, Swades. There was no ticking clock there but Mohan solved something larger than himself.
2. He commits a perfect crime and solves a large issue confounding his people. This could be killing a zamindar, solving a business deal, preventing a calamity from happening. A la Majboor.
3. Propagate his family’s DNA by impregnating someone? Lol.
4. Some treasure that has been left by Shivaji in their keep? But this will become way too close to #book2 and I am invested in that like nothing else. So, I may skip this.
5. I want him to fall in love in these 2 weeks. I want to show this woman’s heartbreak. I want him to not want to die, only for this woman. I want to talk about how cruel fate could be in such cases. Sounds similar to Wo Saat Din or Sweet November?
6. No, I don’t want a happy ending where he is miraculously saved. I want a realistic story that has a realistic end.
Roshan’s arc seems to be emerging easily. From a happy-go-lucky dude to a man on a mission. Need to discover where he ends up.
Need to start introducing additional characters that bring out Roshan’s character. You know, show, not tell. May be the film opens at an event that Roshan is hosting. This would establish his present world, the milieu, the conflict (someone may want to compete with Roshan). This is where I can also showcase the challenge (while performing, he could collapse). Reminds me of a scene from Majboor where Amitabh Bachchan is holding an aquarium and crossing a road. Bang in the middle, he gets a stroke, drops the aquarium, and strews all the fish on a hot tar road. Wow! What cinematography!
I must add Majboor to the list of films that I am inspired by. Again, the character is on a clock and does something to deliver riches to the family.
What I need is the large conflict as the backdrop that makes Roshan’s life and death trivial. Could very well be COVID. I mean what’s better than someone on the clock putting all his energy into fixing others around him? But then I’ve had enough of COVID and I want to get away from that.

So that’s it for the day.
Over and out!
7:57. Andheri. Wow, two hours! Still haven’t touched the phone. #win

180421 – Meditations

A quick rant and a longish attempt at writing a script. Nothing special for you to look at.

07:19. I am really struggling to keep my head sane with this lockdown. I have become unproductive, I don’t have the inspiration to push myself. I do start the day with a lot of enthusiasm but within minutes, I am left dead with literally no energy to even start the process of starting. While the lockdown is not affecting me directly (I can move around in my tiny house whenever I want to), it is devoiding me of human connection. You know those thought experiments when they ask you if you would be trapped on an island, who would you want alongside? That. I think I will never want to be trapped like that. I would rather live near the busiest street. Here’s the thing. Even when I am with people, I don’t talk a lot. Most of my conversations are superficial. I am fast with my judgments, faster with my approval or dismissals. I don’t do parties. I often avoid traveling even if that means I get to meet the people that I want to be with. But all those things are optional. If I wanted to, I could. It was my choice to not go to Ghatkopar each time people met. It was my decision to not attend a wedding at Kolkatta. I was in control. Here I am. I can’t even step out of my house. I cant see others. What I miss the most is the energy I would get from others around me at a Starbucks where they would be hard at work to make their dreams come true. I am inspired by the ambition of others and the relentless pursuit that they are engaged in. Trapped on my writing table with a 13″ screen, diagonally, of a laptop, I am stuck. I have at least 13 more days to go before the lockdown is lifted. Each of these days is going to get tougher than the previous. You know, misery will compound. But may be with time, I will learn to live in a cocoon? May be I will accept fate and kill that ambitious kid in me? May be I will start faking emotions and actions and other things to get approval from others on Instagram? Let’s see what becomes of me in the next few days. Here’s a tiny chart that probably does not showcase my misery but if there was a horrific chart, it would be this…

The most scary thing that I can ever see.

Anyhow. Here’s streaks…

Morning Pages / Meditations – 126
#aPicADay – 107
10K steps a day –0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 39
#noCoke – 39
10 mins of meditation – 4
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 3

Coming to the script am hoping to write.

While I am struggling to even find the next word, I will try and persist. Like always, I will try to write for an hour. It’s 7:38. Yet again, I don’t have a story per I do have an idea that struck me while I was writing the rant above. What if there a 38-year old underachiever was told that all he had was 13 days to live? How would he react? How would he live the rest of his days? What would he do? Lemme pound the keyboard and see what comes out.

Day 4

[START]

“Roshan, I have a bad news”, declared Dr. Khambata sombrely as he stepped into the examination room where Roshan was lying buck naked.

“What can be worse than totting around my nakedness in front of middle-aged men for I don’t know how many days now! Bring it on.” Roshan knew that something was terribly wrong with him. The local doctors at the tiny government hospital at the hamlet of Indapur were inadequate to figure out why would he get shooting pains up his spine that would end up in a headache so bad that he would pass out.

As a local jester, comedian, master of ceremonies, gym owner, trainer, and more rolled into one, he was quite popular in his town. He had to be. His family was the descendent of the munims of Maloje Bhosle, the grandfather of Shivaji. Between the cousins, literally half the town was related to him.

After a few weeks of inconclusive examination, he was asked to go see someone senior at Pune. Or if he really wanted a solution, to Mumbai. He settled on Pune’s KEM Hospital purely for the ease of logistics.

“I am serious Roshan. You have a rare disease that we havent the medical expertise to give you a solution to.”

“What do you mean?” He still did not understand that his life, or whatever was left of it was about to change.

There’s some fibrous growth in your brain. It’s some form of a cancer but we dont know what it is. And it is increasing everyday. To a point, we suspect, you have… less than 2 weeks.”

You’d imagine that such death sentences would be delivered with little more gravitas, a little more drama, a little more empathy. But when you’ve worked all your life with patients that are terminally ill and the families that are eternally hopeful, you learn how to abstract emotions and facts.

[END]

Additional text that I will probably use somewhere…

Roshan’s father died when Roshan was all of 5 and he was raised by his mother.
A middle-aged Parsi doctor, Dr. Peston Khambata was attending to Roshan. That was any way the thing with Parsis. You could never guess their ages.

Notes…

1/ I think I have stumbled onto an interesting plot. I feel I have heard / seen it elsewhere. Some names that come to mind are Anand and Sweet November. In both, the protagonists are sitting on a ticking bomb and they attempt to use the time they have to bring happiness to others. There’s another that I think I saw where a guy decides to rob a bank and leave all the money to his family so that they don’t feel the pinch after he was gone. Then there’s Lootera, an adaptation of The Last Leaf where leaves on a tree become the harbinger of death. I am sure there are more. Need to research.

My concept is similar in the sense that my character has a clock ticking, just that there would be a crime / psychology angle to it, rather than a relationship piece. I don’t understand relationships.

2/ I need to find a disease that gives you 13 days to live.

3/ I still write like I write a book. Need to change tracks and start writing like a script.

So, that’s it for the day. Over and out. See you guys tomorrow. Or maybe not. Let’s see.

170421 – Meditations

Woke up late. Couldn’t find the words. Struggled to write. But got in a few words none the less.

9:02 AM. Yeah. Really. I woke up about 10 minutes ago. What can I say, I am living a thug life!

So morning meditations. Things clouding my head. Without any order, here’s a list. And the “solutions”.

A. In most relationships, I tend to give a lot more than I want to receive. You know, low expectations. However, ~~at times~~ most times, even the little I expect does not materialize. And it sucks. It’s a recurring pattern that I have seen time and again with multiple relationships, businesses and transactions. Of course, if there is are recurring incidents, I must be at fault. So, I need to fix this. Dunno what else to say.

Further, I think I survive on this give and take (even if my “take” is insignificant) and I start hurting when this “transaction” is not complete. I have literally lived my life to help others and yet I am told that I am not around when people need me. It just plain sucks. Takes the air out of me, like you know, I got sucker-punched in a bout that was supposed to be a mere conversation. So that.

B. I realized yesterday that I am so so lucky on so many counts. I have enough to eat. I have a comfortable enough house. I have some great relationships. My family is safe in these times. I am generally a cheerful, helpful person that’s mostly on the right side of the law and society. And yet I seem to spot and then crib about things that I don’t have. Now that’s a good thing – you want to do better and I am anyway inspired by fear more than by greed. But I think I woke on this negative reinforcement to a fault. I may need to tame it.

So that. Surprisingly two things. When I set out to write, I thought I would have more. Funny I am. So, here’s the streaks.

Morning Pages / Meditations – 125
#aPicADay – 106
10K steps a day –0 because of the lockdown, I am unable to get the two hours out to walk 10K steps 🙁
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 38
#noCoke – 38
10 mins of meditation – 3
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 1

And here’s the original work. I will write for an hour. It’s 9:26 on the clock and I will write for an hour. However, I still don’t have a coherent story idea in my head. Let’s see if it emerges as I write. Here we go…

Day 2

Satish stirred as he woke up with a heavy head. It had become a recurring pattern. He would stumble back to his house after spending hours and drinking bottles of hooch at the dance bar. No, he was not an alcoholic per se. He was forced to order something while he sat there and admired Janki. One of the backup dancers at the bar. She was not the prettiest. She was not the one with the best moves. She was not the one to dress provocatively. Even on the days when she was dressed the best, she could pass off as a regular woman in the chawl that Satish lived in. There were clearly more and shinier objects of affection that Satish could lust over. And yet Satish seemed to have a thing for her. Lust works in funny ways.

Satish was not a bad man otherwise. He was a graduate and held a respectable job as a security guard at a bank. He even could speak a few words in English if there was a need. He got lot of people from his chawl to get their accounts open at the large bank that were otherwise inaccessible to people like that.

That’s the thing. For people like that, everything was ok. The battles are of survival and not for love or honor or whatever. These words don’t mean a lot when you know that you need to be up at 4:30 and you’d have to walk 3 KMs to stand in a long queue to fetch two buckets of water that you would use during the day. At that time, honor could a hike. Pain could take a pause. Love becomes a long-forgotten thing that happened only in films. Or at these dimly lit dance bars.

Even though Satish was now a regular at the dance bar and he had made no bones about his affection for Janki, apart from him, everyone knew that Janki was not into him at all. Maybe he had an inkling as well. May be not.

But he was back. Day after day. Night after night. To stake claim at the tiny table placed bang in the middle of the hall and ogle at Janki, even when there were other pieces at display. The only time he would saunter his gaze to others was when she would disappear towards the back of the stage to change her costume or take a break.

[END]

Notes…

The words did not flow. I think getting up late is the reason. Must ensure that I sleep on time so that I can wake up on time.
These pieces I write, these are great narratives. But they do not look like or dead like a film script. So that needs to change. I need to reduce the wordiness. And shape these like a script. I am not chasing a book here, you know.

So yeah. That. Was a struggle but that’s it for the day. Over and out.

160421 – Meditations

Quick update on what I did yesterday. And day 1 of an attempt to write a film script in 15 days.

6:17 AM. Andheri.
Woke up at quarter to 6. Some fitful sleep. I think it’s the AC. Need to fix it.

Lets not be digressed by that. Today’s when I start writing a script or something and focus less on thoughts. Let’s see how it goes. To be honest, I dont have an idea in my head right now. Let’s see what comes out when I start typing. I will be at it for at least an hour. That’s the point of “forced creativity”.

Before that, there are some updates from the day gone by and things on my head…

I went out! Yay! I walked up to the nearest Star Bazaar and brought some dry fruits. Grocery was an excuse – I just wanted to step out. On the way back I spotted more people walking than on other days on the Lokhandwala backroad. So I can walk too. I just need to find a time when it’s not as crowded. May be in the morning? Right after morning pages?
Work has started to become hectic. Which is ok. Just that I need to be on the computer for like 10 hours. The only thing I am worried about is my eyes.
KG told me about how Michelangelo would go hungry for up to 7 days and then pick up the chisel to work his masterpieces. Now that’s incredible. I haven’t been able to find any conclusive evidence on a cursory Google search. I am sure, I will find it if I dug deeper.
Yesterday, I talked about Coconut Milk as a beverage. It’s the second day and I love it. To a point that I have stocked the refrigerator with it!

So that’s about it.

I can write more. But I am trying to shun negativity and live in denial. I am assuming that there’s no COVID out there. At least for the next 15 days. I will of course continue to write my thoughts on #sgEchoChamber. And here

Here’s streaks…

Morning Pages / Meditations – 124
#aPicADay – 105
10K steps a day –0 🙁
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 37
#noCoke – 37
10 mins of meditation – 2
#book2 – 0
Killer Boogie – 0
Original Work (limited time only) – 0

Now, onto the “original work” that I will write for one hour. It’s 6:43 on the clock. Here we go…

Day 1

What do I write about? Writing itself? A writer struggling to find his spot in the sun? Another trying to prove a point to the world, and to himself; that he’s worth a lot more than what the world gives him credit for?

Or I could write about someone intriguing that I read about. You know, a true story. Of someone’s heroic. Of someone’s extraordinary journey of becoming extraordinary. The world is full of such people. They do simple things in such a unique manner that you are left inspired. Just need to find someone like that and merely narrate what they were up to.

Then there is the question of my ability to look at these people with a lens that makes the story worth telling!

Or it could be about someone’s dreams, hopes, aspirations, ideas, and thoughts. Funnily most of these are so damn simple that you wonder if there’s a story in there on not. I mean at the end of it, each person seeks those basic things that our monkey mind has trained us for – safety, survival, propagation of the genes. For most, safety comes from a house (people call those homes), survival comes from a stable job that pays enough to build their house and propagation from a spouse.

Of course, this simple monkey-mindedness becomes an impossible chasm to leap over when one person’s wants start to collide with another’s. I mean you have a stable job. This stability threatens your colleagues’ survival in the same workplace. He would then try and do things that would jeopardize your stability. You on the other hand would not tolerate this game and you would first secure your place. And once that has happened, you would go back with vengeance. Even if you don’t want to. You are guided far more by your monkey mind than you can imagine.

I can also write about this image that I have held in my brain for I don’t know how long. Lemme narrate it. Let’s see what comes out of it.

So, I was at one of the busiest local train stations in Mumbai. I think it was Kurla. Or it was Dadar. The trains were jampacked. To a point that even the people that were hanging out of the doors were stacked like lego blocks. One on top of another. Interlocked so well that even the biggest canons, the wildest wrecking ball couldn’t make a dent if they tried it at the same time. Packed so tight that even air couldn’t pass through. Whatever gaps you could spot were shuttered by the sweat and in some cases, the blood. The greatest architcet in the world couldn’t build something as grand if she tried for decades. And here we are. In Mumbai. Train after train, bogie after bogie, day after day was so packed by strangers that you are left marveling at the sheer capacity to bear hardship, the sheer will to get things done despite odds, the sheer tolerance of pain, and heat and hunger!

As a newcomer to Mumbai, I would often sit at a busy station to see these men and women and the mass of humanity go through this grind every day. Twice. Every time I sat on one of those benches that were invariably donated by the kin of a rich person that is now long forgotten, I was probably the only person who was still amidst all the cacophony.

So imagine you are in the midst of this scene of life playing like a film. You are marveling at the scene unfolding in front of you. Pretty much on auto-pilot. A train stops right in front of you. Like a well-orchestrated symphony, the wall of people shifts shape. Some bricks come out. Some go in. The wall remains steadfast. The wall gets stronger than ever. People are packed tighter than ever. Anyone even thinking of breaching it would get discouraged by even looking at it.

The train starts to move, the wall starts to take it easy. And unknown to it, a young girl of not more than 14 starts walking towards it. She is unassuming. She is not rushed. She is relaxed. The train picks speed. The girl continues her easy pace towards the train that is now almost a blur.

The last of its bogie is in sight. The girl is now a few feet away from the train. From where I am, I can’t see her face. I don’t even know what she’s upto. But she’s upto something for sure.

As if on cue, she breaks into a sprint and hurls her tiny frame at the wall. And just before she’s about to collide into the sea of people hanging from the doors, she turns around. And her back thuds into a man that’s wearing a distinctly blue shirt. Out of reflex, the man grabs her. The wall comes to life. More hands appear and support the girl. Some bricks shuffle. They make the space that no one could have imagined existed.

While the reengineering was happening, while she was slowly becoming the part of the wall that was almost out of my sight, I saw her. And for a fleeting second, I saw the smile on her face. I saw the determination in her eyes. I saw her punch the air with her fists clenched tight. I saw the unbreakable, the immovable wall of humans make way, shift its shape and bow down to this young girl that I did not even know the name of.

[END]

Notes…

Was tough to start. But once I started typing, it was easy. Takes me a lot of time to get to a point.
There no no story right now. None seems to be emerging. Need to work on it if I am giving myself 15 days.
What I write is very very descriptive. It does not move the story forward. I have only narrated one scene. Took like a million words for it. Screenplays are not that. The story has to move. I need to think differently.
I, of course, need three tracks (A, B, and C). I need clear character arcs. I need conflicts. I need release and resolution. I need to follow the three-act structure. I need the inciting incidence. I need so much more!

Let’s see how it goes over the next 15 days.