Some crazy thoughts from a day when I cant seem to concentrate.
8:45. Woke up at 7:45. Right now at Starbucks. Lemme show you the view that I have right now.
Ya, that laptop is not more than 6 months old and looks withered. That is coffee. I am tripping on it for 2 days. Enough with ghaas ka paani.
So, here’s things that are at the top of my head.
A. When I woke up, I was more tired than usual. Probably walked too much. Probably stressed too much. Probably it was all the food I ate yesterday. Oh, I would have had some 5000 calories yesterday, if not more.
B. I can’t seem to concentrate at all. I don’t know what’s wrong. As I am writing this post, I am thinking about my relationships. When I am delivering a presentation, I am playing chess. When I am showering, I am thinking of ideas. When I am walking, I am on the phone. And all this after I’ve seen Dandapani videos like there’s no tomorrow. So clearly, there’s no effect on me. Need to think about it. Let’s see how or when.
C. I am not proud that I have moved to FB. Without any Twitter, I am not making any connections. Without any Instagram, I am not getting inspired. And FB sucks. I can’t put my thumb on what’s wrong with it but there’s something terribly wrong with FB as a platform. It’s making me do things that I typically would not do. I mean I am adding random people as friends and then am getting into small talk. I mean I do that on Twitter and Insta as well but that’s more to do with appreciating someone’s work or something cool. But on FB, am being exactly what I don’t want to be. I am also getting sucked into conversations that make no sense. Like this writer wanted help with his book. He wanted people to review. I volunteered. And then he sends me a long-ass message saying that he would only send the book if I agree that he can sue me if I plagiarise it. I am like, WTF!
D. Been writing a prompt a day for PPP for the last few days. Here’s the prompt for the day. “You are a cop and you recently read a story about a gang of art thieves that specialize in stealing figurines from remote temples. You need to lay a trap and capture the gang. How would you go about it?”
E. The road to EBC is looking harder with each passing day. I am not working at all. The only thing I have remained consistent since I started tracking is the walks. I think it is because I don’t need to put in any additional effort to walk. Plus it allows me to see the scenery. Wait. With that argument, I should be able to run /jog as well. But for some reason, I can’t seem to!
So yeah. That’s about it. Moving on with the day. Here’s streaks.
Short post on things at the top of my mind on this Thursday morning.
6:18. Woke up at 5 something. Feeling unwell. Feverish I think. Maybe it’s the AC that spews cold air on me? Or maybe the kachra that I am eating? I don’t think there could be any other reason. I mean I didn’t get wet in the baarish, there hasn’t been any baarish lately. So I don’t know why I feel unwell. I didn’t get good sleep the night before. I was ok during the day. Yesterday I slept at around 10 and woke up without an alarm at 5ish. And I think I slept well. So dunno what’s wrong. Let’s see how the day goes.
So, over the last few days, I’ve been watching conversations and discourses by Dandapani. He’s one of those rare mystics / monks that speak to me. In whatever I have seen, he has remained away from commenting on what’s in vogue (you know, gender issues, politics, etc) and he seems to have the same thoughts about life and people as I (social media is bad for you, highlights of a stranger’s life making you narcissist, etc). I am inspired by his thoughts and ideas that I think I will ape him. You know, mimic him. In the sense that I will renounce all material possessions (I anyway have very few of those) and get detached from whatever emotional relationships I have (again, I have few of those). I will be available to serve the ones that seek my time / company et al. More on this as I start reflecting and seeing where I want to be.
Oh, I am noticing that my eyesight is kinda fading away. In the sense that the things that are in small fonts are blurred. I need to squint my eyes to focus my gaze and then read. Things in the distance are blurry. All my life I’ve taken pride in having good eye-sight. It seems to be going away. Guess this is what aging is. I am at the point in life where the body seems to be withering away with each passing day. I know a time will come when probably all of it will fall away and along with it will go my consciousness that sorts of makes me think, reflect, do, and all that. Wait. If this happens, it will be the best thing to happen. You will know that you are fading away. You can plan for the time when you are gone. You know, write a will, say your goodbyes, get and give closure. The worst way to go would be the one where you go all of a sudden. In the sense that you think all’s hunky-dory and the next instant, you are gone. Without knowing about the impending departure. And without having the opportunity to at least make that final comment or a note on how you lived!
Anyhow. Moving on.
I don’t know what else to write. Lemme come back in a bit.
8:15. Starbucks. Since I took a break, have shat, showered, read a few pages of this book, reflected on what I saw in today’s video by Dandapani, spoke at home.
I still don’t know what to write. Guess I am exhausted after the flurry of texts and emails and notes and all that over the last few days. Time to get going and start with the work. The track of the day is Hotel California.
Short post on affirmations, one of my life goals and other things.
6:32. Woke up a few minutes. Again, from a sleepless night. I dont know what is wrong but something is. I think I need to change the house for a few days and see if I get better sleep. Let’s see.
The thing is, I can rant about things but I have decided I will not. The last few days have been overly negative I will try to stop thinking about those. And focus on things that are not negative. Plus, today is a long day and I need to be at the top of the game if I have to achieve things that I have planned for the day.
So, I started the day with Danapani’s video on affirmations. See it…
It was eye-opening! Even though I have been a believer in the power of affirmations, I stopped thinking about it somewhere along the way. I used to do that on a notepad (I will start again I think) and then I moved to a spreadsheet.
However, when I saw Dandapani’s video, my eyes sort of open. He says (and I did not) that affirmations have to have three things…
Concise choice of positive words
While I had clear choice of words, I never had the other two. I did have try visualisations once in a while but I did not take that serious. Today on, I will try to do all three. Will probably order a Rudraksh mala, like he has!
I have to say that it’s funny how the dots connect. It’s uncanny. Really. Few things happened that makes me want to become a believer in the mystical world!
Lemme use bullets.
A. Surbhi called and asked me if I want to go to Everest Base Camp in September. The timing is just right – I like to disappear around that time and Base Camp is a good place to disappear.
Plus the Base Camp would be a great opportunity to get a feel of the mountain that I want to summit. Of course, Base Camp is like a stroll in the park. It’s easier than most other treks, just that the altitude is an issue.
But still. It would be a step in the direction.
Plus when I checked, I realised it’s not as expensive as you’d imagine it to be.
B. Shravan called. He’s the kind that’s super tough to catch. Not that I had a lot to talk about with him but he’s the only guy I know who’s passionate about serious hiking and trekking. So among other things, we talked about the Base Camp. He knows my fitness levels and quirks. And he affirmed that I can do that.
On the call, he rattled off the entire itinerary with names and altitudes and other things that only a local would know. Shravan, obviously knew those things!
C. I’ve been feeling listless last few days and I think this could be a good milestone to work towards?
So clubbing A, B and C, I will probably start to plan for the trek in end Sep. I just need to get fit for that. Lol!
Also, I bring this chat of Base Camp because one of the three affirmations I used to repeat was that I want to climb Mt. Everest by Jan 1, 2026. It’s uncanny how yesterday I was talking about the Base Camp and today I spotted a video on affirmations!
So yeah, may be I need to restart with affirmations. If I can do the base camp this year, I think I will get some sort of a push to get serious about climbing and preparing myself for the big summit in the next few years. Let’s see.
Also, while writing this, I realized that I absolutely love dreaming about things, like the potential trek to the Base Camp 😀
So, I think that’s it for the day. Hope today I do better than the last few days. I need to get my act back on track. I can not afford to slack on work! And here’s streaks…
Morning Pages / Meditations – 197
#aPicADay – 0
10K steps a day – 0
OMAD – 0
#noCoffee – 0
#noCoke – 109
10 mins of meditation – 1. Did 10 minutes yesterday. Plan to do it today as well as soon as I publish this.
After the longish post yesterday, I am sort of black. Don’t have a lot to talk about. So, a non-meaningful update.
6:15 AM. Up a while ago. Tried sleeping at 10 but by the time I finally hit the sack, it was 12. Lemme start by recapping the mile-long rant I wrote yesterday and how I am faring at various things I talked about.
Filled water container and bottles. To a point that I don’t think I will have to order in for the next few days. Good!
Since I couldn’t work from my place, went to a friend’s. Promptly fell asleep. Lol!
Saw no Netflix. But ended up seeing almost all the videos on this channel. You must check them out! Bad.
No coffee but had a RedBull. Bad.
Ate one meal of just Dal. But then ate chips and assorted kachra throughout the day. VERY bad.
I think I need to find a non-carb thing that I can munch on all the time. I use chewing gum often but it’s either too sweet or a ball of rubber in the. I prefer something savory. Or something like Diet Coke 😀
Did 3 minutes of meditation and 5 push-ups (in 2 reps. For someone like me, 5 is like infinity. Super stoked. I need to be able to do 500 in a day. You know, if I want to build strength in my arms! Good!
Walked some 3K steps. The plan is to get out more and reach some 15K a day.
Slacking on work yet again. I still haven’t figured this as an answer.
So, more bads than goods. But then some goods nonetheless. So that’s a good thing. Need to have more goods and less bads. And then monitor these closely so that I only have goods and no bads. Ok, enough of this good and bad wordplay. Has stopped making sense.
Lemme think what I want to talk about today.
Wait. As I write this, I am back to listening to Singh is King title track. On loop.
In highlights, along with AD, I started with the Podium Writing Fellowship. The idea is simple. We want to add a leg at Podium by adding text content. Now, the niches we operate in (entrepreneurship, marketing and more) has enough and more competitors to even get started but we believe that the content we have is so good that we can rehash is. The first rehash we’d do is text-based content. You know, newsletters etc.
The trouble with it is to find people to write it. For starters, writers are a rare commodity. It’s tough to find great writers. Second, even if we find some great writers, the way we run The Podium, we don’t have enough cash flow to find writers sustainably.
So AD came with an idea to identify young writers and help them get better. Of course, the responsibility to do so is on my shoulders. I have never delivered a longish course to help others learn but I think I am excited. More than anything else, this would help me improve my writing! In the world where AI would eat creative work (you know, GPT-3), this is an attempt to remain sane by actually doing work that creates meaning.
Ok, I am digressing.
The point is, at The Podium, we are taking so many shots and doing so many experiments that I am hoping one of those will stick and make this struggle worth it, at some point. I just hope we can make enough money for everyone that works with us at The Podium. And of course at all other places where I put my time and energy.
I am back to listening to discourse by Dandapani. Today’s its this video.
He talks about finite among of energy and attention, life purpose, people that uplift you, importance of attention (over money), death (and the finiteness of life), energy vampires, staying affectionately detached to people (super important for me!), passing on the burden of responsibility, happiness (and pursuit of lifestyle that create happiness).
I love how he talks. I love his content. I think I am a fan!
Lemme try and take a stab at this. What is my life’s purpose? At a materialistic level, I still want to make a billion dollars, climb Mt. Everest and while I do both, inspire a billion people! In terms of a little more metaphorical level, I want to enable others I know to do well. Do well is an open-ended thingy. I define it by saying that whatever is your end-state that you want to achieve for yourself (make films, travel the world et al), I want you to enable you to do that!
I seek my happiness in yours. I want to see you succeed and I want to derive joy from that. I want to ensure that you live, grow, thrive on a day-to-day basis and I do whatever it takes to enable you to do that.
No, I dont have the resources to do this for a lot of people and for a living and I still need to make my ends meet. Maybe at some point, I reach that place. Whenever that is. Let’s see.
A very lengthy super-rant on all things Saurabh – work, personal, thoughts, health and everything else that makes me.
8:51. Woke up a few minutes ago.
The feeling of listlessness continues. While I am not stressed about any one thing in particular but I am discontent. I am uninspired. I am like a vegetable. I am slacking at work. I am pushing things around unnecessarily. I am wasting a lot of time on Fauda. Thank God I finished all three seasons, some 36 hours of it, yesterday. Here’s a promise to self about not see anything unless something comes highly recommended. Wait. May be that’s not the right metric. May be the right way would be to see just one thing a month. You know system vs goals. So that I can choose only select things.
I digressed. Netflix is not important. I don’t think I am addicted to it. The problem is, I am uninspired and I lack the spring in the step. There’s no, as they say, joie de vivre! You know what I am saying? My shoulders are slouched. I am being lazy where I should not be. I mean I am not even replacing the water container in the kitchen! I order 1-litre bottles. Expensive. Plastic. But then, very convenient. Damn!
And no, it’s not ok to feel like this. While I don’t chase hedonistic pleasures all the time but there’s a reason why I am here. There is things that I need to do to fulfill promises I’ve made to people. Heck, promises that I’ve made to myself. I still remember I’d once said that I would buy Mannat. No, I dont talk about these things frivolously. The idea is to aim very very high. There’s a higher purpose I chase. And so, it’s not ok to slack.
I need to snap out of it. Find a way out. Find an answer. Lemme try on this post.
So, most things that happen, there’s a cause for those somewhere deep down. You know, cause and effect? This listlessness, thus, has to be a direct outcome of one (or many) of my actions. Lemme try and list things that could be the cause. And then change those (once I spot those).
May be it’s all the crappy food I’ve been eating last 10 days? Maybe it’s fucking with my gut and with my brain and making me restless?
Maybe it’s all the coffee am gulping that’s keeping me up at night. Coupled with bad food that has upset my system, maybe coffee is acting as a larger catalyst.
I could have said it’s the lack of action on the work front. I can’t complain there. There is enough and more interesting work that I can engage in. There is of course boring, mundane, dreary things that I need to work on. There are bad colleagues. There is imperfect information. There is a lot that I can complain about. But there is LOT more that I can be grateful for on the work front. There is so many new things to do. Most things I am working on are new to me and like a child in a candy store, I must feel excited about those. But I am not!
May be I am overwhelmed by all that I am working on? At any given point in time, I have a thousand tasks open on my Asana. Maybe I am so scared and overwhelmed with the monsterity of that list? I mean imagine if you were one of those 300 at Sparta and you saw a sea of more than a lakh well-trained, heavily-armed, dying-to-kill-you soldiers. You would probably lose the battle even before it starts! May be that’s causing me hurt?
I may say that I am excited and I do well when I have so many things to do. But may be, deep down, I am scared and I dont want to do any of those?
I dont know. Looks like a plausible thing. Will come back to this.
It’s definitely not the money. While I am still in debt and the money situation is far from being ideal, I am ok on that front. I have a fairly generous credit line in Sonali, my father, NG, RD and more.
Could be it sleep? I mean it’s no secret that I don’t sleep well. Combination of shitty AC + distractions + restlessness + monkey mind. Of course I know the importance of sleep. I know a good night’s sleep is probably the biggest contributor towards well being. And I get very little of it.
Could it be time I spend on social media? I feel compelled to create an audience so that I can become independent. I am thus forced to spend a lot of time on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. And maybe the fancy lives of people is filling me with envy and making me sad?
Or do I need to get active physically? You know, yoga, running and all that? I had actually started to enjoy Surya Namaskars. But I hated the time it takes to recover after I was done. Plus I hate to waste my morning on anything but work. May be I need to get more protective about my evening time as well? The way I protect my mornings?
Is it relationships? I am probably at the lowest point when it comes to this. I’ve been away from my parents since Diwali. In terms of friends, most of those have reduced to mere transactions (both work-wise and other societal obligations). There’s no love life – active or passive. I continue to avoid places with a lot of people. Making new friends / romantic interests is an investment that I am unwilling to make. I mean I am willing to but I dont know how to.
Could it be my posture? I just realised that I am slouched forward as I type this. Nah. At Starbucks, I alternate between sitting and standing.
Spirituality? Meditation? Higher purpose? I haven’t meditated in ages now. I can look at streaks and come back and tell you guys when I last meditated. Or I can open Headspace. Wait. That’s not the point. No one cares about the date. All I care for is that I haven’t been.
Or do I need to work harder on my tiny acts that become a tsunami of gigantic proportions with time? I mean, rather than trying to find one large reason for this snafu in life, could be it that I need to make tiny adjustments and create systems that impact all of the above? For example…
Rather than ordering in each meal, three times a day, I find a place that gives me home-cooked meals (and I go back to OMAD).
I could stop having coffee altogether. If I have to go to Starbucks, I start having green tea. I know it would waste money with flavored water, but it’s ok.
Each time I have the urge to check social media, maybe I do two pushups? Lemme do two right now. Done! Three. Arms are gone.
I start taking the stairs as much as I can.
I block time after 6 PM for walks. Even if I have to take calls, I ensure that I am walking around. To hell with the world. I can give them time from 10 to 6 and that’s enough.
Rather than blocking 10 minutes for meditation, I start with 3 minutes sets?
I switch off my phone at 10:30 PM each night. One of my friends used to do it. I hated her for that but she would and she would sleep well (I am guessing). I need to do the same.
I start adjusting for not having people around and fix the dependence on others for validation, attention, conversation etc.
You get the drift.
I am not sure if I will do all or even any of these. But the deal is, there is radical change needed if I have to live till 120 and climb the Mt. Everest and all that. And it starts today.
I have this dying urge to order in some food. But I shall not. I will go to a friend’s place and get his cook to make something for me. I will start with OMAD today. Let’s see.
Kaafi heavy! Kaafi dil se!
Anyhow. In other news, I am seeing videos by Dandapani. He’s one of those rare spiritual / motivational gurus that I seem to relate to. I saw this before I launched into the above “discourse”.
No, the video did not open any third-eye per se but I will try and practice what he’s saying. That I need to do one thing at a time.
Guess that’s about it for today. Lot to think about. Lot to ponder over. Over and out.