070621 – Morning Pages

A rant on how I am unable to make decisions about life and things and work and all that.

7:28. Woke up a few minutes ago. I literally sleepwalked through the weekend. I remain groggy enough though enough water has been splashed in the eyes. Guess it was the side effect of the vaccine that I took on Saturday. I mean I don’t have any fever or anything but there’s sluggishness for sure. Maybe it’s because I am trying to stay away from coffee. Or maybe because I haven’t stepped out of the house in a few days. And no Surya Namaskar. I dont know the cause but I know that I am not feeling great as I wake up.

Anyhow, as the lights turn on in my head and the body starts to function, here are the things that are at the top of my head today.


A. Mare’s review. Yesterday, I finished watching Mare’s story and tried to write a review and I am struggling with it. It’s way too tough than how I imagined it would be. This is one of those series that I want the review well. May be a pitch to some international publications. But I can’t seem to get the words. I know what I want to say but when I put it on the paper, I cant seem to find the right flow or the words. Damn!

B. The mile-long to-do list from work. Even though I tried to close the last week with nothing on my plate per se, I do realize that I have quite a few things that I need to work on. And that means today’s gonna be a busy busy day. Which is ok. I am just hoping and trying that I dont get myself a coffee.

Ok, wait. Apparently, Starbucks is open for dine-in from today. Till I think 4 or 5 PM. And that means that I can sit from there and work. If that is the case, I will probably end up having a coffee (or two), you know the tax for sitting out of an outlet and working! But if it’s open, I will be really really glad. At least I will have a place to go. And I will have probably get more work done. Plus, I for one can’t wait to be outdoors, to meet people, to bump into strangers into a crowd and observe them and silently judge them and all that.

In fact I feed off the energy of other people and this is the opportunity to get the mojo back (you know, its been missing for a while). So that.

C. The live in Mumbai or Goa or elsewhere decision is not coming in easy. I dont think I have ever thought this much about things before making the move. I remember every time I have moved, I just took a decision in the snap of a finger and moved. I even lost what was probably the love of my life when I moved first from Mumbai to Delhi. After that, the moving decisions have been easy. Each triggered by opportunities or the lack thereof. But each has been easy. This time I am not sure. On one side I want to move – get away from the humdrum and disappointments of my life. On the other, I want to stay to create more opportunities. I am not sure. This one decision occupies my head a lot these days.

I read somewhere that I need to take decisions that make me choose the tougher alternative. Here are some bullet points that I am thinking about…

  1. I know that in the long run I dont want to be in India. I know that I like meeting interesting people. So I have to be at a place where I can meet interesting people. I don’t want to be at a village or a small town for sure.
  2. I know that I want to at some point make films. As a writer and a producer. Maybe as a director. I dont know that. I like the idea of telling stories. So I have to be in Mumbai. Or LA ;P
  3. I need to deliver on work on my plate. If I live in Goa, I may not be able to. At least I don’t find the internet or the phone working well. Everyone else seems to be ok but for some reason, I am jinxed.
  4. I know that I can create opportunities but I take a long long time to do that. You know, like a slow burn. Most of my work comes from relationships that I take almost forever to develop. If I move to a new place, I am not sure if I’d be able to create work fast enough to justify the move.

So that. You see my quandary.

D. A trip to Delhi. Now that I am vaccinated with both doses and my parents have been vaccinated, I need to make a trip back to Delhi. Been a while since I’ve met them. I think as I am aging, I am getting more and more emotional about people, life, things, and all that.

In fact, as I look back at life, I realise that I was always this rock on the outside but mushy squishy thing on the inside. So while I refuse to admit that I dont care for emotional constructs in life, at a deeper level, I think, I do.

Nah, I dont admit this ever but now that I have decided to live in public, what the heck.

E. The Food Dreams. So I am on this fancy Keto meal plan till about the 15th of this month. That means I am bored of eating variations of Paneer. And I have these fancy dreams of eating carbs – you know Pizza, Dal, Breads, Chips. Mmm!

I’ve never been a foodie per se to be honest. I mean I like the idea of eating good food and I enjoy when I eat something well made but I am not the one to seek culinary pleasures. With these recurring dreams of carbs-laden food, I am not sure what my body is telling me!

Anyhow, I am abstaining from eating other things than the dabba I get. Till at least I have subscribed to this plan. No, I am not losing weight if you are curious about that. Maybe these guys that I have subscribed to don’t make Keto compliant meals? No, I don’t plan to renew the meals. Way too expensive. and not working for me at least. The only good thing that has happened is that I don’t have to think and order every time. Plus I am not eating any kachra. So that in itself is a good thing!

So yeah. Guess that’s about it for the day. Here’s what Hemingway thinks of this piece…

And, here’s streaks.

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 176
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 1
  • #noCoke – 88
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

260521. Good Job!

I talk about how negative motivation is a thing and how I get affected by all the emotional and yet rational things that people throw at me.

7:56.
Woke up a few minutes ago. Slept at around 11. Was tired af. No, I did not walk. I did not do Surya Namaskar. Nothing. And yet I was tired. In the head. Plus I worked from where I live. I still refuse to call it home. This is one of those houses that I really hate. Can’t wait to get out of here. Coming back. I even slept during the day, even though I had a venti Americano. I don’t know what to do about this sleepiness during the day. None of my friends that I seek medical advice from seems to have an answer. Sigh.

So that.

Yesterday was one of those days that began and ended in a jiffy. I don’t even know where it went. Plus the aftereffects are so severe that I don’t know what to write. I am so blank. So nonfunctional. And this when I slept well for almost 8 hours. More than 8 actually. So, not sure what’s wrong.

Anyhow.

So lemme try and talk out loud about things that affect me.

Let me talk about the emotional blackmail that friends and family pile on you. Often inadvertently. They are well-meaning people and are acting from a good place. However, the thing is, people tend to act from the lens of their experience and their background. A thing that has worked for them in the past may or may not work for you. And this is where things do south.

Let me talk about one of my bosses that I admire and can’t seem to stop thanking for all that he’s done for me. Let’s call him A. So A ran a fairly busy business and was on the road a lot. That meant that he had very little f2f time with his team and most interactions were on emails and phones. Now, this is way before the time when even kids know what to do with Zoom and how to behave appropriately on these non-personal mediums. Thus when talking on the phone, the context would often get lost. Often things would get construed differently. To a point that people would find it tough to cope and all that. Plus what made things worse is that A couldn’t use anything but the ‘negative motivation’ to inspire you. Negative motivation is where you when you get 98% marks, you are reminded that you could have done better to not let that other 2 getaway. Mind you that the parents goading you for this missing 2% are proud of your achievement and they are happy for you. It’s just that they are designed to talk like that. As a child, you may find it tough to understand this behavior. But if you dig a tad deeper, you’d realize why they spoke to you as they spoke to you.

See this clip from Whiplash for context.

So, every time we would do a great project, A would point out tiny flaws in the team, rather than praising us for delivering the impossible. Back then, I used to loathe him. And I would hate him.

But then I realised, he is doing it for two reasons and two reasons only.

  • A. He has been trained like that. He sees that as an acceptable kind of praise.
  • B. He probably saw potential in us. To do more. To excel at what we were doing. And thus, push us.

Could’ve been more. But these two.

Now, in the team, people reacted different to his responses. Some would get disheartened and get drunk. Some would feel the pressure and quit. I would hate it to be honest and would just take the longer route back home. But there were a couple of us who would take inspiration. See the point he was making. And improve on the next project. Just like Whiplash scene about Charlie Parker.

Oh, A? Well, for a large part he never understood that his motivation was killing people in his team! That!

The point of this story?

Two.

  1. People often act based on their experiences. When they do, they may or may not realise that they are putting others in harms way. Most people need to learn this and start reflecting on how they behave.
  2. I want to put on record (and I will send this to people :D) that everytime they pile emo trips on me, I tend to balk at that. I resist. Even if those trips are rational and. common-sensical and obvious. While in their experience, these emo trips work and all that, but someone like me actually runs in the opposite direction when someone throws these emotional guilt trips at me. In fact, I become this stubborn child that does exactly the opposite of what is expected from me!

So that.

Phew.

The other thing I realised while writing this is that when I know what I want to write (like this emo-trip thingy), I am filled with this insane energy and words flow. I mean I am not even listening to music as I write this and yet I seem to have written some 400 words in like 4 minutes. The fingers are moving so fast on the keyboard that there are sparks flying!

May be, for #book2, I need to plot things and then write? You know, when I sit and think about Raunak, Mrs. Gomes, Ankit, Siddh, Rujuta and others, I do enjoy thinking about them as real people but I often dont know what to write to move story forward. Maybe each day I need to just write write write and see where I reach?

Let’s see.

Guess this is it for the day. Need to get moving. It’s almost 9.

Here’s streaks…

  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 164
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • OMAD – 0
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #noCoke – 76
  • 10 mins of meditation – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0

The good work I did the day before, I undid all of that by not doing yesterday. 🙁