5:19. Woke up a few minutes ago.
Was in the bed at around 1. So about 4 hours. That too broken and intermittent. The day hasn’t really started and I am already tired. A million things are swirling around my head in a Brownian motion and each time one thought hits the wall of my head or each other, a loud explosion happens. The head right now is full of the noises that you would expect a battleground to have!
Lemme use freewriting to get the load off my head.
These are not in order.
And not meant to be taken seriously.
I am slowly inching towards the end of my useful time here on Earth. If someone makes the mistake to write a biography on my time here, they would probably finish it in half a sentence. It would be on the lines of, “He’s this person that day-dreamed about doing great things but did jackshit about it. He died a failure, pauper and under considerable debt. His legacy includes a million half-baked ideas who’s carcasses are strewn around everywhere.”
The funny thing is, I exactly know what my biography would contain and yet I am unable to do anything about it. I cant seem to do good work. I am unable to move the mountains. I am not making any meaning. I am not even losing weight. Heck, I can’t even walk for more than 2 minutes without huffing and puffing!
It plain sucks. Most people say that knowing what the problem is half the battle won. I exactly know my problem. And yet I am unable to do shit about it. I mean my problem is that I want to live a life where I am the master of my time and I am able to do what I want to.
Wait. What is it that I want to do?
Both at a personal level and for others. You know, a la, Kabir, make enough for myself, kutumb and yet have enough to ensure that no Saadhu goes back empty handed. Here. This is what he said – “Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye“
On a personal level, here’s an indicative list of things that I want to do…
Travel the world
Be the shoulder to others
Have access to other interesting people
Matlab, sab karna hai.
Maybe that’s the problem? That there’s so much I want to do (and try to do) that I am unable to do any one thing?
I dont know.
No, I cant focus. At all. Even if it was for life. I just can’t. Even as I am writing this, there are a million thoughts that are running helter-skelter in my head. I have surfed timelines on Instagram and Twitter. Checked my email. Fussed over the music I want to listen to. Thought about the meetings during the day. And more!
DAMN YOU SG!
The other thing that I has not stopped banging against the inside walls of my head is the shortness and uselessness of life. You know, you do so much. You try and help others. You receive help from others. You take stands. You create this egoist self that’s larger than who you really are. You do so much for the world. And then when you are gone, nothing changes anywhere. Not for one person. Apart from one cursory mention about you where they would say RIP and Om Shanti or whatever is in vogue those days, nothing else will happen. The world moves on. People who you thought will miss you will make a fancy social media post to gather a million likes, bask in the glory of that eloquent eulogy they just wrote and that’s that!
While it’s ok, while the life needs to continue to move, I think it’s uncool what relationships and respect has come to. And no, it’s not cool that it does. And come to think of it, it’s awesome! People are individualistic and that means that we would see more inventions and more thrust for human race as such. See, that’s the debate. Individual’s king-ness and ambitions. Or the collective’s survival and perpetuity.
No, there are no easy answers. And it’s just plain sad.
Also, I am thinking about these morbid thoughts from my lens. If I were to go unplanned, I dont think apart from my parents and my sis probably, there’s anyone in the world that’d be affected by my absence. I mean everyone wants to be immortal and wants the world to stop and take note when you are gone. But I ask for a far smaller thing. I just want to have people tell me that they value me, while I am here. Once I am gone, I dont really care if they miss me. And that just doesnt fucking happen. I expect very few things but what I want, I want. And I cant get those. Despite me clinging to hard to people. To a point that I have stopped engaging with people. Even with those that I care for. Life’s a series of transactions and sooner I learn, better it is. No?
So, most of the work I do is of transactional kinds. This means that I am renting my time out to make ends meet. This the worst kind of work that you could do. You are like a Kolhu Ka Bail. Sisyphus, if you will. Each day you are cursed to repeat that monotonous exercise that may or may not make meaning. But that’s all you do – repeat things. On the other hand, you must aspire for project-based work. This is that work that allows you to have large chunks of time to yourself where you could do whatever you want to (even if you want to sleep) and then some chunks of time where you work so hard that you can’t even die. You know, you could make films, produce events, paint, write books etc. You let your work create opportunities for you. You control how you spend time (and not the other way around).
Wait. And the time you have controlled to be on your side, what do you do with it? To what end?
Damn so so mindfucked.
Anyhow. It’s almost an hour. Need to move on. And get working on the presentation. So so confused. And unhinged.
Hope this too shall pass. Soon.
- OMAD – 2
- #book2 – 0
- #noCoke – 118
- #noCoffee – 7
- #aPicADay – 0
- Killer Boogie – 0
- 10K steps a day – 0
- Surya Namaskar – 0
- 10 mins of meditation – 0
- Morning Pages / Meditations – 208