221021 – Morning Pages

I talk about how my dreams of a nation are getting shattered! And more.

8:54. Some hotel in Gurgoan. Before you ask, no I am not sick or tired of sleeping on a different bed each night. I actually like it. Let’s see how many days this continues.

Ok morning pages. I have to start by “declaring” that today I am fasting. Come what may. And I will not even have coffee. Or Coke. Only water. And chewing gum. I dont feel good. There’s way too much kachra that I have been feeding myself. I mean there’s nothing that comes close to eating the perfect Chole Bhature in Delhi and the after-taste is great and you feel good. But after a while, all the maida sort of blows up my belly. So, I am done. At least today. Not sure about tomorrow. But today, I am on a fast. If I eat something today, I will donate 5000 to a charity of Krishna’s choice.

With that out of the way, let’s talk the real morning pages.

So, unless you live under the cave, you would know that SRK’s son is in jail. And there was this Fab India ad that created a storm. And yesterday I discovered there was another ad by Ceat that made people mad. And I think I mentioned on morning pages that an email exchange on my alumni group sort of showcased the rift in the society and the angst that is simmering just below the surface.

And, it SUCKS. To a point that I have decided (and it’s a #lifeEvent for me) that I will move on. And I regret that I did not move on earlier. I don’t know what I would do (the skills I have are not really transferable) but I will move on. Even if I have to become a cabbie. I know it’s one life and time doesn’t turn back and I am closer to my death than how many years I have been around. I know my biggest “career” bet (with films with TRS, in terms of efforts, money, emotions) is right here. I know that I wouldn’t be able to start from scratch. But I know that I am out. I will probably plan the move. I mean it may take a few months. Or a few years. Or whatever. But I will move on. Here’s a promise to self. #sgLifeGoal. I will not die in India. Unless I can “affect” how India is.

So that.

Here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|. It’s tough being who I am. Conflicted. All over the place. Spread out. Etc etc.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. The fact that I can decide on how to spend my time.
    2. The fact that I can use the gift of the gab decent enough to get things done and create opportunities.
  4. Things that would make my today great. Just one thing.
    1. If I can fast, it would be great. I’ve been up for 40 odd minutes and I’ve just had water. Need to sustain this for another 14 or so hours 😀
  5. A daily affirmation. I can control my urges and wishes. I am the master of my sense. If I decide to stay hungry, I can go for hours. And even days.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I ate Chole Bhature yesterday. Loved the taste. I realised that I am not as taste-dead as I thought I was.
    2. It was amazing to sit by myself in an empty office of a friend and get a few things done.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. Work. Funnily, there is nothing on the top of my mind but work. I would have loved to get more things done than what I got done yesterday.
    2. Food. If I could control the food that I ate, it would be better.
  8. Quote for the day
    Dar ke aage jeet hai! Lol!

Guess this is about it for the day. And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 3
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 14. Yesterday’s here.
  • Daily Journal – 15
  • Money spent – 11268
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 15
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 15

151021 – Morning Pages

A #shortPost for the day where I talk about what I am thinking about.

8:27. Home. Woke up a few minutes ago. Had a very very long day. Worked so much that I did not realize when it was like 11:30 in the night. I think I did this much work after a while. Which is ok. Right now, I need to work hard to make things work. But the thing is, I feel spent. Even though I have slept for like 7 hours. It’s like, you know when you have nothing to create, nothing to do. You feel all your energy and creative juices have been taken away from you. If I feel like this on a day-to-day basis, I would probably feel burnt out.

Anyhow. Moving on.

So the plan for the day is go to some Starbucks (nearest is 12 KMs away :() and get some work done. I need to move out. I feel the need to see things on the outside. I am so glad that lockdown is over and I can go out and all that. Just that Delhi does not offer a Starbucks next to my place. That’s one thing I miss btw about Mumbai. I could literally walk to so many Starbucks outlets. Sigh.

Wait. Maybe Gurgaon could offer what Mumbai had. Maybe I could live in Gurgaon for a few days? Yeah! Sounds like a plan.

Must act and find a place. Let’s see how do I find short-term rentals. In an ideal world, I want to live in a hotel. Let’s see if I can afford one. Shall spend time looking for one. Know of any decent ones?

Also, here’s a thing that I have been thinking about. Can I create a like where I am a writer / podcaster / YouTube / content creator? Where 1000 true fans pay me enough to not worry about work? And then I create that dent. I mean could being a content creator be a path to financial independence? #currentThoughts

Guess this is about it. Here’s the song for the day. Hotel California.

And here’s the journal.

  1. Emoticon: :|.
    Still feeling shitty. I think it’s the general state of mind that I need to work on.
  2. Mindful Index (on a scale of 10): 1.
    Need to work on this. Yesterday, after shower, I did sit for 3 minutes of meditation but even that was difficult. Need to amp up.
  3. Things that I am grateful for
    1. I am grateful that most people that I am with, they allow me to be who I want to be.
    2. I could avoid coffee yesterday. Now that I have gone without one for a day, I will try to not have it today either. Let’s see how it goes.
    3. One amazing thing of being at home is that get home-made food. Now that I have it, I realise how much I craved for simple meals. Food anyway is not big on my agenda. So that.
  4. Things that would make my today great
    1. Like yesterday, I think the greatness is linked to work. If I can get some work done, I would feel like I am on the top of the world.
    2. I want to step out and sit somewhere and work. Let’s see when I manage to do that.
    3. I want to meet some of my people. You know, old friends, my team, others that I know already. The ones that I want to see happy, successful, thriving etc.
  5. A daily affirmation
    I am worth a billion dollars and I use this money and access to enable my people to do more with their lives.
  6. Amazing things that happened yesterday? 
    1. I could skip coffee. I have captured this already.
    2. I had a tough situation at work. I have been able to manage it. I may end up not working with that client but at least it’s not getting dirty.
    3. I could manage time to juggle various projects that I am on. It’s a little tricky but I could.
  7. What could have made yesterday better?
    1. If I could’ve got some sort of a workout in, I would have felt better. So far, I havent been able to.
    2. If I did not have to loan my time for money, it have been awesome.
    3. If people in general were little nicer in terms of how they speak, the world would be a far far better place.
  8. Quote for the day
    “Passion is for losers and for hobbies. Have obsession with your purpose in life” – Naveen Jain

And here’s the streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • NOFAP – 0
  • #noCoke – 1
  • #noCoffee – 1
  • #aPicADay – 8. Here is today’s.
  • Daily Journal – 8
  • Money spent – 0 :D. And no, I did not track. Just that I was indoors and did not step out and thus no expenses.
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • Daily Mail to #teamSG – 8
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -3 +1.
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 8

041021 – Morning Pages

Quick post on how it is to come back to a connected life.

9:17. Kathmandu. I am at one of those 3-star hotels that position themselves as 4 and fail miserably at it. So while you pay a lot of money for it, in reality, you have really wasted that. In fact, this whole trip, I have been on autopilot per se. I have not tried to be the pushy, type-A planner that I know myself to be. Rather, I have merely gone with what others planned and followed instructions. To be honest, it was not bad. Having things managed for you by others. But what sucked was that I was unable to control the amount of money I spent. I had imagined I will spend not more than 50K. And the trip is already 4X of that. And I have two more days to go. But then, that’s ok. Such is life and these are the things that make life worth living – you know, the ups and the downs. There are way too many highlights in exchange. And I think this is why I even make money in the first place – to be able to live for experiences.

So, the highlight of yesterday has to be the relaxed, lazy day spent strolling around Thamel. The thing is, I like the idea of this idleness for a large part of the day. And then a lot of action for some part of the day. And then repeat.

To be honest, I quite like Kathmandu (even with all the pollution, dust, and sneaky salespeople). It has all the good things that India has – unorganized mess, crazy traffic, winding roads, freedom to jaywalk, chaotic life, etc. And then more – a hub for tourists, small lanes, cozy restaurants, cute coffee shops that could serve as the perfect inspiration for writing shit. You get the drift. I think this is the same as Goa. Or a Dubai. Or a Bangkok. The option to be in a city that is multi-cultural and international in its very fabric. A Delhi or a Mumbai or a Bangalore is not that. It is more business, more work, more day-to-day large business kind of place. I think I am more suited for a place that has more international, cosmopolitan life. But then the dreams that I hold so close, the ambitions that are so lofty, I dont know what to do about those.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all an after-effect of spending so much time in the mountains that I am sort of disenchanted from the city life. Once I am back to work and the daily grind, I would probably forget all that I am thinking about and I would be back in action – you know, hustle, work, dreaming, meeting people, doing things etc etc.

Apart from this rant about work and life, the minds pretty much blank. I am still jittery while typing even though I am on my own computer. I will probably need another couple of days to get back to normal, I think. Let’s see when that happens and how I feel when that happens.

Guess this is it.

Oh, I dont have the time to work on streaks today as well. I would start those from tomorrow on, hopefully. Plus I’ve had coffee, coke, and sugar in a million forms and I dont want to think about it right now.

So, till tomorrow, over and out.

031021 – Morning Pages

A lazy post where I am sort of coming back to the grind. In terms of writing, thinking, striving, trying, dreaming and all that.

9:04. AM PM Cafe, Pokhara, Nepal.

I am on a computer after about two weeks. And I am rusty. And I am surprised that the infinite speed at which I could type is now reduced to a literal crawl.

So there are so so so many things to write and reflect on. There are so many decisions to be made. There are so many things to be done. I dont even know where to start from. I’d probably just use bullet points and see where it goes?

Here we go. In no order.

A.
EBC was not tough. I mean it was tough indeed but if I could manage it, I am sure everyone in the world can. More on this when I write a longer post about EBC but it really wasn’t tough.

B.
Last night, as I started to come back to the world, I installed Instagram, Twitter, and all other apps that I had deleted a few months ago. Have wasted so much time on those. It’s so easy to fall down the rabbit hole. But then while I was there, I did not miss it at all.

C.
I have no clue of what’s happening in the world. And for a change, I am ok with it. I mean Sony and Zee almost merged. Air India got sold. Apple’s new range is being talked about. Gandhi’s birthday came and went and there was the usual brouhaha about it. And like I said, I did not care. Don’t care. For once, the hermit life of living off the grid, doing things by self on a day-to-day basis without the pressure to make a dent in the universe felt good! But then, that’s not what we were put here for. There is a responsibility that we have towards Universe after all.

D.
Learned so much about myself. My limitations, my dreams, my aspirations, my plans, my shortcomings. I learned how insignificant I am. I learned that most rants that we town-dwelling folks have, are meaningless when the temperature is sub-zero and you have to share a hole in the mountain with 25 other people as your toilet.

E.
I realized (and re-affirmed) that while I may want to be a billionaire, at the very core, I like the company of common-folk. You know, the ones that are not really billionaires and all that. While I was at the trek, I saw my fellow travelers engage with other fancy people and I was happier talking to the porters and the guides, and local folks that were drawing water from the lakes. This has been a theme since I dont know how long. When I did events, I would find the company of an ordinary carpenter more soothing than that of the CEO or the celebrity dancer that we would invite to perform. So, it’s essentially a reaffirmation of who I’ve been. And no, I dont know what this means in the long run but thats how it is.

F.
The dream of doing the Everest is more real now. I mean I have now seen it from up-close (lol!) and I know what it takes. One side of me tells me that it’s going to be a tough tough battle. I mean I did reach the base camp. And I looked up the Khumbu ice-fall and it looked scary. And on the other end, it looked doable. I mean it’s just a walk up the ice. So I may just as well make it to the Jan 1, 2026 deadline. Just that I need to find 4 months and 40 lakhs to support my expedition. Let’s see when that happens. Right now, I need to focus on more urgent things like work and all. Been away for a large part of the last 2 weeks and I am sort of disconnected.

G.
Lemme talk of work. So, most things sort of disintegrated at work. This means that I am still not at a place where I can go for long leaves and let things happen on auto-pilot. I will have to sort of rebuild work from scratch. It sucks to be at a point where I am struggling to make ends meet. And then I am craving to make ends meet at end of each month. And I am always thinking where to get the next tranch of loan from, to fund the dreams of people that I’ve sort of chosen to keep close. One thought is that I must stop feeding others and get to some stability for myself. The other is, this is what defines me! How can I quit on these people? More than that, how can I quit on myself and my decisions?

H.
In terms of people, while I was there, I think I was ok to not think about anyone that I knew prior to the trek. This includes my parents, my sis, M, romantic interests, friends, colleagues, and more. This was a big big revelation to me. Need to think more about this. #note2self #toThink

I.
I have some 1000 ideas about what to write, each thing inspired by the time I spent away from the Internet and the people and the world I know of. Let’s see when I can find the time to do so. I also need to write a lot of other things that I have been putting for later (quarterly email to bade log, for example). So that.


So yeah. Guess this is about it! I mean I can find more things to write about but as of now, these are the things that I can think of. More over the next few days.

Not that things are any clear for me but it was a good break to have. Now that I am back to the grind, let’s see how things go from here on. More in the next few days. Hope to continue writing these every day from today on. And finally, the streaks. I dont even remember where I left them at. I will start tomorrow, hopefully. Till then, over and out!

100921 – Morning Pages

A quick post where I rant to my heart’s content. About nothing in specific. And yet, about everything.

7:08. Home. Woke up some time ago. I am unable to find a place where I can sit and work. There is this humdrum of a well-lived house – sounds of clattering from the kitchen, water being poured somewhere on some plants, the incessant doorbell, and so on and so forth. I am so so so used to living by myself and designing my spaces to my liking that I am unable to understand how to react to all this commotion. Of course, this is not commotion per se. This is more like the sounds of life but I guess these are not for me. I designed my life in a way that I did not have a kitchen (though I wanted to change that), there was no one to talk to or do anything till I first initiated. Even when I lived with sgGF, she was the kind to sleep late and I had the first few hours of the day to myself. And there’s nothing that sets my mood, the tone of my day like the mornings do. My mornings are the most sacrosanct time. I need to be left to myself – even if I am watching Taarak Mehta!

Plus, since I have come home (been two days), I haven’t been able to think of things. This happens each time I am here. I am not sure what is the cause. There has to be one. Why is it that I am not as engaged as I would want to be when I am in Delhi? #tothink

Anyhow. Rant hai. Moving on.

So in the highlights yesterday, I met one of those young ones that I want to become my budhape ki laathi. It was fabulous to see young people and their ambitions and dreams and the effort they are willing to make for that. I wish I could give them a better support system than what I have offered them right now. I call them #teamSG. I need to find a better name. I mean Team SG is super vain and I don’t want that. So that’s something I need to work on.

I was also at a Decathlon outlet and I was amazed at the collection. The sad part though was that the person who was support to help around was super uninterested in selling. What a shame, to be honest. Also, I noticed a subtle difference. At the Decathlons in Mumbai, they dont ask you to deposit your bags to the security. Here, they did. Guess something to do with how people behave? How big a problem pilferage is in Delhi? Lol!

Oh, I missed mentioning but I slept at around 7 last night. Woke up at 9. Slept again at 10. And then I woke up at 6ish today. And while the sleep was ok, I had a few distinct dreams that I recall. Yay! I think it’s after a while that I have been able to remember my dreams. Took a note over at #echochamber.

For the EBC, I had planned to take a Gimbal and a new phone to record a video blog of the journey. However, I have decided against it. I dont have the money to get a phone. And the one I have can’t do – it’s a three-year-old iPhone and the battery is literally dead. And I dont want to spend anything. I would rather use the money to help build the people that I care for. No, I can’t put in words why I do this for others but this is what defines me and I can’t escape from it. Maybe with time, I will change but as of today, this is how it is. So that!

What else?

I feel as if I have a lot to talk about. A lot to write. A lot to pour out. But then the thoughts are scattered so all over the place that I dont know what to do. I am so glad that I have this break coming up. I will be with some people but I can choose to remain aloof and silent and merely observe things. Let’s see how that experiment goes.

Guess this is about it. Time to get going with the day. Have a lot to do. Need to of course find a place to go work from. Not sure where I’d go. Time shall tell.

Over and out. Here’s streaks.

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 183
  • #noCoffee – 27
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Money spent – 6096
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2 +1 (ease of shifting)
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 273
  • NOFAP – 9