010821 – Morning Pages

A quick post about what I did yesterday and what I plan to do about those. More rant than anything else to be honest.

5:24. Woke up a few minutes ago. And I have less than 20 minutes to write today. Need to leave at 6 for a longish walk. I hope to do 20K steps today from 7ish till about 9ish. Let’s see how many I get in.

So let’s dive in. Here’s a quick recap of yesterday. And quick thoughts.

I took a break from walking. I averaged 15K steps this week before yesterday. I was on track to do 110K steps. Now, if I can get to 100K, I would be happy. And I am anyway eating like a mad man. Will stop from tomorrow on. I will also implement a no-call before 2 PM rule from tomorrow. At least I will not allow any calls to be scheduled before 2. The ones that are already on the calendar, I will honor those.

I realized yet again that success gets you friends like nothing else. If you are famous, rich, successful, funny, fit, good-looking, or anything on these lines, you would have FAR more friends than you’d normally have. I think I need to start working on this. I can’t change the way I look or my sense of humor. But I can work on getting rich and famous. So that’s next. After am back from EBC, I will focus on one thing only – getting famous. Come hell or high water.

I was forced to work from where I live in the morning as I had a podcast recording at an awkward time. And while I did that, I ate like crap, I wasted time like I was 19, I slept like I had all the money in the world. After the recording, I went to the Starbucks at the airport, and even though I spent like 3-4 hours there, I could get a lot done. I was in the zone while I was there. I need to find ways to get to a Starbucks or a co-working space as soon as I wake up. #note2self

I had a dark moment. At least two people I care for acted like dicks. They did not understand why I do things I do. They dont understand the sacrifices I am making to make ends meet. And not that I haven’t spelled it out for them. Despite that, they sort of piled onto me emotionally and made me lose track. I know they dont do it intentionally. And I know I need to be stoic enough to not let that affect me. I am working on it. I honestly dont really care what people tell me and how they behave with me. But when the ones I care for and want to care for me pile emotional baggage on me, I lose it. I need to find a way to not get swayed by these things.

Recorded a podcast. Loved it. Even though the conversation could be richer, I absolutely loved it. Must do more podcasts. If I have my way, I can do a podcast a day. But the thing is, I am one of those perfectionists and I want things to be perfect. And that means I dont allow my team to release these conversations. And thus affect the output. Maybe I will rely on my team for releases and then we’d see where it goes?

So yeah, these things. There’s more that I want to write but that’s all the time I have right now. Need to leave for a walk.

And here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 143
  • #noCoffee – 0
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0. Did not walk at all.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -2
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 233

240721 – Morning Pages

Thoda sad post. Maybe very sad. Read with caution. Please dismiss this as a rant of a sad man.

6:18. All the good work that I did in the first 4 days (3 actually, if I ignore the break) went to the gutter yesterday. I had a day where I was so buried in work that I did not get to make health the priority. I was working till late and then I ate carbs after 10 PM. I did not go for a walk. I did not do pushups. I did walk up to my house. I did nothing that would make me proud. I even wasted time on Chess and twitter (I stay away but did browse the website) and other such websites. Even though I spoke to V, I still am as spaced. I have absolutely no clue what to do about this instability in the head and this randomness that I am afflicted with!

Anyhow. I will try and pick up from where I left. Let’s see.

I have a lot to do on the work front. I plan to spend the day at the airport Starbucks, you know the one that’s open on the weekends. I plan to carry my shoes when I go and then on the way back, I plan to walk back. Let’s see if I can.

Even on the projects front, there are quite a few things open. Need to work on those. Hope I get those done.

Here’s a thought that just dawned on me while I was writing this. I think I am burying myself with work and random things to escape from things that are clouding my head and heart. I am sort of running away. From the house I live in. From the relationships I have. From the current life I live.

Thing is, I’ve always ran. Away. Metaphorically. And always to an unknown place. Of course, I can’t get away from a lot of things, some people are now part of me forever. Some things now have come to define me. Some relationships are as important to me as breathing is. In fact, this burying into non-stop work is probably my way to cope with whatever is happening with me on the inside.

I think I need to get stronger in my head. I also think I need to get away once again. Probably go live in a place where I don’t know anyone and there are no chances of any encounters with anyone I know. I tried that with Goa last year. No, it did not help. May be a move to another country? Lol. Or maybe I should just quit everything I am working on and go become a taxi driver or something. And read with whatever little time I get on the side.

I actually don’t know. Thoda muddled hai. I think I will let the thought stay in my head and maybe the answer will pop up. I just need to ensure that I, as Joseph Campbell said, follow my bliss. Maybe this struggle to stay sane and stay focussed and stay on the path is the reward in itself? Maybe this life where I continue to strive to look at larger things is the very reward that my life will get? And now that I already have, why bother seeking affirmations and validation from others?

Kind of dark.

Ok, an epiphany happened. While showering. Funny how many good ideas come in when I am in the shower. Funnier how little time I spend in the shower. Must take longer baths. Anyhow. So epiphany. I was thinking about the email that I want to send to Anjum Sir about Toofan. While I was thinking about it, I wanted to be polite when I ask him questions. I realized that may be, just may be, I know more than him? Of course, I am being a mere critic. And I am assuming that he had control over the script even after the production started. So this is when I realized that may be my destiny, my bliss is not in actually doing things but enabling others to do. You know, like Anjum sir. Like Drona. Like Mickey. Like other such illustrious teachers.

May be I was sent here to enable others.

And not that I haven’t tried to be that coach to others. I have in the past work with countless people as a friend, coach, mentor, etc. And with a few more with deeper engagement with projects like TRS, PPP, GP, and more.

Clearly, I have been ineffective with those. I mean none of those is a roaring success. They do ok but none of those has gone on to become an Arjuna or anything. They remain far from self-sustenance. I am glad they don’t need my intervention on a day-to-day basis but if I stop the funding, they will probably die.

I know that in a few years, they would be really big in terms of their impact and reach and money and all that. I hope I am there when that happens. They are literally my life’s work. The people that work on these are like my children. My babies, my creations. Instead of bearing kids with my DNA, I have given these all that I have. And more. More than I’d probably give to any other offspring in the future. Even M. Guess I am done with it. For the time being. Till something shakes me.

And no, I am not taking credit for their success. If they fail, I am indeed responsible but if they succeed, it would be an outcome of their hard work. aNd I know each of them will become large roaring successes. I hope soon. If not soon, then I know, in a few years. These things take time.

Ok, I digressed.

The point was, maybe my bliss, my raison d’etre is not making it big. But helping others make big. Maybe I need to accept that I will live in anonymity and poverty and I will help others make money. Maybe with this awareness, I need to change how I think, how I imagine, how I plan, how I evaluate myself, and how I work?

May be.

Let this mince around in my head for a few days.

Here’s the streaks though.

  • OMAD – 0. Ate like a pig yesterday 🙁
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 135
  • #noCoffee – 4
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0. Walked literally 0 steps yesterday.
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Minimaslism Counter – -1
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 225

150721 – Morning Pages

I talk about rants, house hunting, SRK, music, work and more.

6:20. Woke up a few minutes ago. Woke up with a nightmare. I mean a nightmare of sorts. On a regular day, it would have affected me a lot and would have made me a man possessed. But for some reason, I am still as water and calm as fire. Also, as I woke up, I am less groggy than I would typically be. I dont know why or how. I again ate multiple meals. And that too full of carbs and oils. I still have a lot on my head with respect to work. There’s so much that I don’t know what to do about! Grrr! I even ranted on Twitter. Here. That’s another thing. I am ranting a lot on Twitter now. My engagement there is shit. I need to grow it to be able to get opportunities to come to me. But I am unable to 🙁

Anyhow.

So, just a month to go for EBC. Need to inform everyone about it. Everyone means people that I work with. Need to make arrangements. Need to wrap the house. Give away whatever is left here. Send whatever needs to be stored to Delhi. Limit my life to as few things as I can (preferably 20 – a number that looks highly improbable). Need to give notice to the landlord so that I can vacate peacefully.

As of now, I am thinking I will move to Delhi by September (assuming there’s no third wave by then) and then stay back till Diwali (mid-November). And come back post that. And look for a new house. This time I am sure I want to live on a higher floor at a fancy society. Enough of kachra living. Or maybe go to Goa. There’s hardly anything that I have left in Mumbai that I look forward to.

Just that I am not sure if I can work from Delhi but let’s see. All this is wishful thinking. We Will see if this pans out.

So on music, today it’s the SRK fest. Mitwa. Pretty Woman. Yeh Dil. Dildara. And a Farhan Akhtar song (Sindbad the Sailor). I know, I know. These guys are mere actors and the credit must go to the lyricists and composers and musicians and all that. Please do excuse me for that.

I dont know what else to write. That’s all that’s on the top of my head.

Ok, lemme try. What did I learn yesterday? Few things…

  1. I am not great at managing time.
    Even with all the fancy tools that I have access to.
  2. I am not disciplined.
    In the sense that I know that to lose weight, I need to do a lot of things consistently for a long time (eat better, eat clean, work out etc etc). I do that as and when I get time. Rather I could be making time for those! I can make small sacrifices (giving up Coke, writing everyday) but I cant seem to workout consistently. Dunno why.
  3. I like giving gyaan to people that can potentially help them.
    I was talking to a stranger and talking about how notes and calendars could get her to do her things better. And it was brilliant! I mean I think I did show her the way but the validation I got for myself was fascinating!
  4. I continue to be that person that doesnt want to disappoint others.
    In fact, I seek validation and all that. Not just from people I care about. But even from strangers on the internet. I wish I could become a different person 🙁

Wait.

These are personal lessons. Why would someone want to read these? Rather, need to figure out lessons that are useful for others. And then post those. You know, things like, wake up early and you’d be awesome. Lol. These are random conjectures that may or may not carry any weight.

But then, these morning pages lose meaning. To a point that I write these for myself. Not for others to read. So it’s cool that these lessons are for me and for no one else.

Anyhow. To close this short post, couple of things that I am taking away from this brain dump. These are…

A. I need to get disciplined. Starting today I will be. At least with food if not with workouts. I will stop eating from outside for as long as I can manage. I will get a home cook to make simple meals for me. You know, less oil, fewer spices, better ingredients, etc. At eat just one time in the day.
Lol! This starting today has lost meaning. I dont know how many times have I said this 😀

B. Will stop thinking about how much work I have on my plate. I would rather do things. I will no longer talk about the unavailability of office space. Or a Starbucks. I will make do with whatever I have and get work done. Enough of fucking slacking and throwing reasons around.

Guess this is it for the day.
Hope you have a great day as well.
Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 0
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 126
  • #noCoffee – 15
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 216

[RANT] 070721 – Morning Pages

An unfiltered rant about a million things in my head that I cant seem to find a solution to. Do NOT read!

5:19. Woke up a few minutes ago.
Was in the bed at around 1. So about 4 hours. That too broken and intermittent. The day hasn’t really started and I am already tired. A million things are swirling around my head in a Brownian motion and each time one thought hits the wall of my head or each other, a loud explosion happens. The head right now is full of the noises that you would expect a battleground to have!

Lemme use freewriting to get the load off my head.
These are not in order.
And not meant to be taken seriously.

I am slowly inching towards the end of my useful time here on Earth. If someone makes the mistake to write a biography on my time here, they would probably finish it in half a sentence. It would be on the lines of, “He’s this person that day-dreamed about doing great things but did jackshit about it. He died a failure, pauper and under considerable debt. His legacy includes a million half-baked ideas who’s carcasses are strewn around everywhere.”

The funny thing is, I exactly know what my biography would contain and yet I am unable to do anything about it. I cant seem to do good work. I am unable to move the mountains. I am not making any meaning. I am not even losing weight. Heck, I can’t even walk for more than 2 minutes without huffing and puffing!

It plain sucks. Most people say that knowing what the problem is half the battle won. I exactly know my problem. And yet I am unable to do shit about it. I mean my problem is that I want to live a life where I am the master of my time and I am able to do what I want to.

Wait. What is it that I want to do?

A LOT!

Both at a personal level and for others. You know, a la, Kabir, make enough for myself, kutumb and yet have enough to ensure that no Saadhu goes back empty handed. Here. This is what he said – “Saain itna dijiye, jaame kutumb samaay, main bhookha naa rahoon, sadhu na bhookha jaaye

On a personal level, here’s an indicative list of things that I want to do…
Teach.
Make Films
Write Books
Run. Marathons.
Entertain others
Travel the world
Be the shoulder to others
Have access to other interesting people

Matlab, sab karna hai.

Maybe that’s the problem? That there’s so much I want to do (and try to do) that I am unable to do any one thing?

I dont know.

No, I cant focus. At all. Even if it was for life. I just can’t. Even as I am writing this, there are a million thoughts that are running helter-skelter in my head. I have surfed timelines on Instagram and Twitter. Checked my email. Fussed over the music I want to listen to. Thought about the meetings during the day. And more!

DAMN YOU SG!

The other thing that I has not stopped banging against the inside walls of my head is the shortness and uselessness of life. You know, you do so much. You try and help others. You receive help from others. You take stands. You create this egoist self that’s larger than who you really are. You do so much for the world. And then when you are gone, nothing changes anywhere. Not for one person. Apart from one cursory mention about you where they would say RIP and Om Shanti or whatever is in vogue those days, nothing else will happen. The world moves on. People who you thought will miss you will make a fancy social media post to gather a million likes, bask in the glory of that eloquent eulogy they just wrote and that’s that!

While it’s ok, while the life needs to continue to move, I think it’s uncool what relationships and respect has come to. And no, it’s not cool that it does. And come to think of it, it’s awesome! People are individualistic and that means that we would see more inventions and more thrust for human race as such. See, that’s the debate. Individual’s king-ness and ambitions. Or the collective’s survival and perpetuity.

No, there are no easy answers. And it’s just plain sad.

Also, I am thinking about these morbid thoughts from my lens. If I were to go unplanned, I dont think apart from my parents and my sis probably, there’s anyone in the world that’d be affected by my absence. I mean everyone wants to be immortal and wants the world to stop and take note when you are gone. But I ask for a far smaller thing. I just want to have people tell me that they value me, while I am here. Once I am gone, I dont really care if they miss me. And that just doesnt fucking happen. I expect very few things but what I want, I want. And I cant get those. Despite me clinging to hard to people. To a point that I have stopped engaging with people. Even with those that I care for. Life’s a series of transactions and sooner I learn, better it is. No?

Next. Work.

So, most of the work I do is of transactional kinds. This means that I am renting my time out to make ends meet. This the worst kind of work that you could do. You are like a Kolhu Ka Bail. Sisyphus, if you will. Each day you are cursed to repeat that monotonous exercise that may or may not make meaning. But that’s all you do – repeat things. On the other hand, you must aspire for project-based work. This is that work that allows you to have large chunks of time to yourself where you could do whatever you want to (even if you want to sleep) and then some chunks of time where you work so hard that you can’t even die. You know, you could make films, produce events, paint, write books etc. You let your work create opportunities for you. You control how you spend time (and not the other way around).

Wait. And the time you have controlled to be on your side, what do you do with it? To what end?

Lol!

Damn so so mindfucked.

Anyhow. It’s almost an hour. Need to move on. And get working on the presentation. So so confused. And unhinged.

Hope this too shall pass. Soon.

Here’s streaks…

  • OMAD – 2
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 118
  • #noCoffee – 7
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 208

040721 – Morning Pages

A short rant on how I feel after I went for a walk yesterday.

7:45 AM. I slept at 10. Woke up a few minutes ago. More than 8 hours. I dont think I woke up in the night except to have some water. I have recollections of an epic dream where some battles are being fought and all that. No, I dont remember the specifics. Chalo this is a good thing.

So, yesterday. Lemme do a quick recap. Did some work in the morning. Then ate. In one window of 2 hours. So OMAD! Yay!. Then slept in the afternoon for a couple of hours. That’s what I do if I am at the place where I live. When I can’t go to Starbucks or a friend’s house to work. I see the bed and I am magnetically attracted to it! Sigh! And once I woke up from the siesta, I just couldn’t work. I kept wasting time. Towards the evening I tried to go for a run. Lol. I went out and all I could run jog was for 60 odd seconds! Kaise hoga EBC?

Those 60 seconds were straight from hell. The phone flapped around so much that I felt like a circus artist trying to balance all the weight and the movement of the phone. My balls hurt (damn Hernia). My breath didn’t come back to normal for like, forever. I was literally sucking on the mask and I almost swallowed it! The heat in my toes was unbearable. I eventually had to take the shoes off and walk barefoot. I even had to lie down on the beach and had sand all over me.

Damn!

The saving grace of this 2-minute health experiment is that I found a one-rupee coin on the beach while walking.

I plan to go today as well. Let’s see how it goes. I am thinking I will buy an Apple Watch to track movements and sleep. Just that I am unsure if I would like to have another device. I mean I am ok with an Oura or something similar. But a watch or a band is not my jam 🙁

Anyhow.

So, after the excruciating walk, for some reason, I did not want to come back to an empty house. I put some emo tweets as well. Guess am growing old and in absence of any tangible achievements or things to look up to, I am forced to look at things like relationships and people?

We’d never know the complexity of the human mind 🙁

Moving on.

On the work front, I have a lot to do. To a point that I am so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start from. Thing is, most weekdays, I am stuck in meetings that take away energy and motivation. And on the weekends when I want to work, there’s no place to go work from. Damn this lockdown. One way is to lock two days in a week for no meetings, no calls, and just work. You know, Maker-Manager?

Apart from these two, to be honest, I have nothing else on my mind. And it’s not cool. I must have more to life than work. I mean I have always hated the concept of people that define themselves with the work they do! And here I am. Defining myself with the lack of work and options to work out from! Not cool.

Will try and change this over the next few days.
Wish me luck.
This is it for the time being.

Here’s the streaks. Changed the order to make it a little more visually appealing.

  • OMAD – 4
  • #book2 – 0
  • #noCoke – 115
  • #noCoffee – 4
  • #aPicADay – 0
  • Killer Boogie – 0
  • 10K steps a day – 0
  • Surya Namaskar – 0
  • 10 mins of meditation – 0
  • Morning Pages / Meditations – 205